Would you sacrifice it all?

[modernday]

I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 years, and we are both early 30s and I know it's cliché but we really clicked from the first day.

However, our careers are very different. He's in the armed forces (spends 80% of the year at his base tho) and I work a regular office job. Ever since we met he's been very clear about the strong possibility of not wanting children/marriage. Whilst this is not something I absolutely dream about, I do sometimes envision myself getting married and/or having children but have also thought of sacrificing it for the right person (if he happens to be so long term).

Have any of you been in this situation? Did you actually sacrifice your wants and needs for the person you consider to be your other half? Was it worth it?

I would want a relationship with someone on equal terms regarding level of commitment and priority. You aren't his priority but it sounds as if he is yours. Can you truly be happy about that?

YOU are the one who has said sacrifice it all.

No...of course you shouldn’t sacrifice it all for a man who won’t commit to you in any meaningful way.

When I looked for a partner, I was looking for someone to have children with. If they didn't want that, they weren't the one for me.
I wanted marriage but could have lived without it. In your shoes though, I'd have got married, simply because the reality of needing a widows pension etc is closer to home in the military. Although someone who is married to their job wasn't for me. Basically I wanted someone who I could form a really solid base with, and the fact that their boss could post them anywhere at any time isn't for me.
You've done this a bit backwards. Decide if you want kids, decide if you want to be a full family unit or just a boyfriend / girlfriend, then find someone who wants the same. (By full family unit I don't mean kids, I mean a couple who are a unit, not just boyfriend and girlfriend).
Neither is right or wrong but you need to be with someone who wants the same.

Well it's not a binary choice between being married with kids and having a successful career. Many of us manage to do both!

He's saying he doesn't want kids. Ok, fair enough, not everyone does. But why doesn't he want to get married? How does being married stop him from focusing on his career? Isn't that really saying that he just doesn't want to commit? That he wants the benefits of a long term relationship with none of the responsibilities?

You're giving up the potential of having children for a man who won't even commit to marrying you. He is giving up nothing and retaining the freedom to walk away whenever he wants.

@Suagar completely agree. I mean more does he commit time and is he a pleasure to be around.

Being a military spouse is hard enough even when they do commit. Get out now, it’s been 5 years and he’s been honest with you that he doesn’t want marriage or children. Children I can understand as this makes life so much more complicated... but to not want to marry you, this would be a deal breaker for me. What happens when he gets posted? Surely that must be coming soon if he’s been there 5 years already? What about his deployments? Things need to be strong and secure when he goes away for 8+ months. If you were married and lived in married quarters it would bring you closer to the support network when he goes way. IMO he should want these things for you so you are cared for when he’s away. Military spouse life is tough enough, don’t stay for his minimal offerings.

I would actually have the conversation with him now and say that this could lead to a decision to split - you need to make your firm decision about whether you want kids sooner rather than later due to your biological clock. If you are serious that you do, you have to act and his reaction will tell you all you need to know.

@modernday

Thank you everyone for the comments. I don't know why some of you were so quick to judge my partner and almost saying I'm being taken for a fool and that he doesn't love me and will never marry me.

Even before this turned romantic at all we talked about what we wanted in life and he expressed wanting to be fully committed to his career. I don't think it has anything to do with me as he decided this long before we met and I knew about it. I don't even know if I want to get married or have children because I am fully focused in my career too at the moment so I haven't quite decided but I haven't ruled out the possibility.

And no, he doesn't have a wife "back home" as we actually live in his hometown which is where the navy base is.

We aren't quick to judge as such but we are older and wiser and have seen this play out a million times. He won't be the one in a trillion that will change.

You know what you want. Even on this thread you are defending him saying you don't know you want kids yourself. I'd bet you do (why else would you start the thread) but are too willing to sacrifice this for some guy that will sacrifice nothing.

You are potentially throwing away your fertility for a man who can decide to change his mind later and have a family with someone else.

It’s absolutely your choice. He has made his position clear.

Do you really want to give your life to someone who doesn't want to commit? Sounds like he's happy for you to follow him around, which maybe you're happy with too. If that's what you want then all good.

But do believe him when he says he doesn't want to marry or have kids. He's not going to magically change his mind

People are being harsh to your partner op because he is being harsh to you. He wants you to stick around, doing everything his way with no commitment from him.

To be honest if you’re in your 30s you don’t have time to wait to. It’s not just your fertility it’s the increase in complications at birth and how hard it is to recover from birth and deal with sleepless nights in your 30s in comparison to your 20s.

This narrative that women can wait and wait is not true, and serves men like your partner very well to have you believe it.

As someone with kids I would say don’t sacrifice your whole life to have them either. But I don’t think that’s what you would be doing if you left this man. If he wants to be with you forever he would marry you.

I see this so often. A good friend stayed with her boyfriend from her 20s for 10 years while he dithererd about getting married. When she finally dumped him he married someone else a year later.

You really have a fairly short window of fertility left. You have quite an idealistic romantic way of speaking, I imagine you've secretly been harbouring fantasies he'll change his mind because of your love. It's been 5 years. If you dream of kids and marriage like you said in your op, it's time to go.

No never.

Don’t do it op.

It’s not really a long term relationship is it though? *
Even before this turned romantic at all we talked about what we wanted in life and he expressed wanting to be fully committed to his career. I don't think it has anything to do with me as he decided this long before we met and I knew about it.
He’s telling you it’s good for now, as long as you don’t ask for more. But most people end up having to sacrifice or change something at some point for a relationship. Mine moved overseas with me. Could your bf get posted elsewhere? Most importantly, If you had a major accident or got some kind of long term condition, if that impacted his career it does sound like he’d say well I do love you but I told you what’s important so that’s it for us. Whereas you would probably make sacrifices to look after him in the reverse scenario. Don’t stay in a one way relationship.
You shouldn’t plan for long term with someone thinking like that, and this is before you’ve addressed children.

I think you need another ‘life plan’ chat to see whether his views have changed, what he envisages long term etc. You can still have a career and a family. Maybe early on those were his views, but now he’s more open to the idea.

However, I do think that you’ll regret it if he doesn’t want children. If you were happy with the situation, you wouldn’t be posting on here!

Why does he get to call all the shots in your relationship?

@Dery

“Tbh OP the way I see it is he has said that he doesn't want marriage or children. Speaking as a much older woman I would tack a "with you" onto the end of this sentence. He doesn't want marriage or children with you. He may want them with someone else someday and when that day comes you may have spent your 30s with a man who ultimately is not committed to you and be childless and he may be moving on age 42 with a younger woman and a couple of kids”

This with bells on.

I don’t agree with this. It sounds like he said he didn’t want marriage or children from very early on, suggesting it’s his general stance rather than just ‘with her’. Not wanting marriage or children isn’t a moral failing, and doesn’t mean the relationship is ‘going nowhere’. But you need to take him at face value when he says he doesn’t want that. What do YOU want? If you’re not happy to write off the possibility of marriage and children then he isn’t the right man for you. I don’t think you should ‘sacrifice’ that if your gut feeling is you that you’ll want it in future. If you’re more inclined towards ‘I’d do it, but I’d also have a perfectly nice life without it’ and are happy for the relationship to continue as it is, then fine. But if you think theres a chance you’ll be unhappy in future then it could be time to move on. Whatever you decide, put yourself first.

OP, posters are jumping in saying it's no commitment to specifically you because he has no commitment to you.

Lots of men say they dont want marriage and kids then when they meet the right one, they change their mind.

As a PP has said, marriage and kids are two completely different things. Fair enough he doesnt want children as he wants to commit to his career but how does being married to you stop his career? Sorry that just screams commitment phobe.

There is no compromise with him it seems. When you love someone, you meet in the middle where as your DP isn't, it's you who's sacrificing being a wife and a mother.

This relationship may not work out in the long run and you'll have wasted the best years of your life and fertility on this guy.

Thank you everyone for the comments. I don't know why some of you were so quick to judge my partner and almost saying I'm being taken for a fool and that he doesn't love me and will never marry me

Even before this turned romantic at all we talked about what we wanted in life and he expressed wanting to be fully committed to his career. I don't think it has anything to do with me as he decided this long before we met and I knew about it. I don't even know if I want to get married or have children because I am fully focused in my career too at the moment so I haven't quite decided but I haven't ruled out the possibility

And no, he doesn't have a wife "back home" as we actually live in his hometown which is where the navy base is

He is married already. To his job. That is his first love and he has spelled it out that he doesn’t want to marry you or have children with you

In the meantime you have a dream with children in it and use the word sacrifice of you don’t have children.
I think you are wasting precious time sitting around waiting for your life to start and hitching yourself to a guy whose first and greatest love is his job.
He is probably a really great guy for someone else.

I always think in these type of situations that staying with someone that isn’t the right person for you is not only going to make you miserable but eventually the other person and also the people out there who would have been a better match for you and your partner. So 4 people stand the chance of missing out on happiness

For some reason, probably a deep-rooted insecurity, it seems like you don't feel worthy of having good positive things in your life.

Or perhaps you are comfortable being last on the list because you have slowly become conditioned to it.

I walked away from an 8 year relationship because in the end I realised how much I wanted to have children. This may sound unfair but we were together from a young age and as I became more mature I realised I wanted those things and he didn't. I'm glad I made that choice as 10 years on I'm happily married with two children. No regrets.

It's not jumping on him to say you are incompatible. He has been clear with you, you are not a priority with him. Any 'sacrifice' you make for him and your relationship is you deciding to throw away your time. Take ownership of that. Be the architect of your own life rather than passively giving away your power and agency to someone who has told you where he stands.

Re-read gutful's post because she is spot on, you do not sound like a childfree by choice and that's it person. I am in my 50s and have several friends who are just like gutful and they would say the same. One did not even want a relationship, she wants and has her own space and career. Again, entirely her choosing. Anyone she started up with in her life who wanted marriage and kids or even a live in relationship she broke up with because it's not what she seeks in life. Others are happily married to people who felt the same about kids. It just wasn't for them. They took steps to prevent it, permanent ones and have no regrets.

The relationship isn't going anywhere. It is only 20% of his life.

Split up and live a full life as a single person, and base your decisions on what you want.

You need to step out of the comfort zone of being in a relationship.

@modernday

Thank you everyone for the comments. I don't know why some of you were so quick to judge my partner and almost saying I'm being taken for a fool and that he doesn't love me and will never marry me.

Even before this turned romantic at all we talked about what we wanted in life and he expressed wanting to be fully committed to his career. I don't think it has anything to do with me as he decided this long before we met and I knew about it. I don't even know if I want to get married or have children because I am fully focused in my career too at the moment so I haven't quite decided but I haven't ruled out the possibility.

And no, he doesn't have a wife "back home" as we actually live in his hometown which is where the navy base is.

Up to you if you want to be a female doormat and waste your life with this man while the good men pass you by.

As another poster said, it's very strange you're even thinking in these terms and readying yourself to sacrifice everything. This is either not a real post or there's some sort of deep seated issue going on.

JFC, don't fall into the trap of listening to some of this nonsense, you've gone from a 5 year committed relationship to being the side piece in 1 post, it's utter nonsense and ultimately it's down to you.

Basically, if you've been told from the beginning and it's not just been sprung on you then it's on you - contrary to what people on here believe then the fella may actually be a genuine guy that doesn't want a piece of paper to declare anything, only issue is the pension etc.