Please take a vote on my situation

[bubbagunt]

I have been in my relationship 10 years. I am at a cross roads as to whether I can do another 10 years, please can I ask what you would do. This is all I can think about at the moment, I'm very fragile so please no abuse. If you think I'm an idiot I understand, I quite often think that of myself, I just don't need to be told it tonight.

I'll start with the positive
He's a very good dad
He is financially responsible
He doesn't beat me

Now for the " is this just normal or is it bad"
He has never told me he loves me
He won't marry me ( doesn't believe in it )
He doesn't seem to like me if I'm doing something good, he seems threatened by it ( example... having personal training, winning an award at work, securing a big client etc all gets minimised/ignored )
Cannot provide any emotional support.
Is 40 but acts like a 20 year old emotionally ( yet very, very successful in business )
Tells little fibs rather than own up to minor things
If we are out and bump into someone he knows but I don't, he won't introduce me... just carries on as if I'm not there
If we are with friends in a group I always notice most other couples will mingle/ talk to each other whereas he will just go off and stand with his friends without ever even checking in with me. He will get himself/ friends beers but doesn't think to offer me one. Am I being a princess here? I'm so confused I don't know anymore if I'm actually just high maintenance.

I don't have family to rely on, I have a handful of good friends but feel bad moaning as on the outside a lot of people would kill for what I have materialistic wise. I would be walking away from complete financial security in these turbulent times. I am self employed in an industry that has been affected by Covid with 2 small children. I would want to leave as I couldn't afford to maintain the family home on my own and it's too big for me. Plus I actually don't want to stitch my partner up. This really isn't a LTB post as I don't want to hurt anyone, least if all my kids.
I feel like I'm not the best version of myself being with him.
But would I be silly to walk away when I could just find myself on the breadline chasing my tail every month for what I have described? Or am I being a princess?

Someone not beating you is not a reason to stay with them.

Your feelings are, I think, perfectly reasonable snd you are definitely not being a princess.

Can you take a serious look at life separated from him? Really do your research? I can tell you poor and happy is a lot better than comfortable and miserable.

Oh god, get away from him now. He doesn't even like you - sorry, but that's how this is coming across. He's awful. Don't invest any more time in the relationship. If you can afford to go, then go.

You're not being a princess if you expect your partner to acknowledge your presence!

As you have discovered, having material things doesn't make us happy. Your relationship sounds - not very good

I think you know, really, what you want to do.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound harsh. It's just that when you see it there in black and white it's so obvious that he isn't worth it.

No this does not sound like you've got your priorities right. He doesn't give you what you need in any way. Start planning to make the break. He's not worth it.

You're not high maintenance either. You wouldn't necessarily be on the bread line if you left. Ok, you might be poorer, but you can work. Plus, you'd be happier!

He doesn’t sound like a good catch to me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4195418-ex-wants-me-out

OP - read this thread. I commented on it earlier. There are many, many threads on here about the danger of not marrying when you have dc’s or are financially reliant on your partner.

He won't marry me ( doesn't believe in it )

This is the biggest and most worrying red flag that stands out to me in your post.

I can't believe I have that many replies already, thank you.
Writing it down it does seem like it's a no brainier. But I've been going around in this cycle for years. I do think he doesn't really like me but he would always deny that.
When I tried to discuss these issues with him his first response was how embarrassing it was for him that I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him anymore. That's what has got me thinking, he didn't care that he might lose me/seeing the kids every day. That it would be embarrassing to him.

If you are asking the question you are purely looking for validation. If you are not happy then don't make the next 10yrs the same. You deserve better.

Don’t waste another 10 years on someone who doesn’t adore you. You deserve better x

I think when you're at the point of holding up "he doesn't beat me" as some kind of perk or special positive it shows how bad things are.

Not beating one another is a basic behavioural expectation in our society. It's not a positive, it's the default.

If you've already spent years like this, the question really is do you want to chuck even more years after them?

@Loopyloututu2 yes it was a red flag all those years ago, I actually left after a couple of years in the beginning of our relationship as I didn't feel it was fair to force him into doing something he didn't want to do, but at the same time I wasn't willing to sacrifice my needs. He begged and pleaded and promised so I came back only to be in the same position all these years later...
I do understand the implications of not being married with kids, I work in financial services so have a water tight will and am on the mortgage. All being said he wouldn't ever see his kids in trouble or go without so I'm not overly worried about him being an arse. I was actually a very high earner part time before covid hit!
Money definitely isn't everything. It has just been something I haven't had to worry about during the pandemic unlike a lot of others.
I don't mind being poor, it's just the unknown I guess. That and not having a security net of a family to help out/ pick me up on the bad days.
The more I'm writing the more I think he just makes me hate myself!

I work in financial services so have a water tight will and am on the mortgage

Well that’s good to hear. Honestly in your situation then, if you think you’d be ok financially I would just make moves to end it. You sound really sad and worn down - it’s no way to live.

Oh Op, this is so sad to read. You definitely deserve so much more. Hope you find the courage to go after the life you deserve and don't waste anymore time on this man.

Agree with all PPs here... he is grinding you down. In 10 years what will be left of you? You need to save yourself from this deeply insecure little man.

This sounds like no fun, and definitely not what I'd want out of a relationship. Has Aspergers ever been mentioned? What you've said just resonates so much of someone I know with a diagnosis (lack of outward emotions, lack of empathy, making up stories, but practically very responsible). Of course he could just be a self centered idiot.

It sounds like you want very different things out of the relationship. What he wants isn't quite clear to me, but it isn't a normal relationship of equals. Is there anything about the relationship that makes you happy?

@amylou8 I don't know what it is, he's so, so successful and a really great Dad. Hands on, not a Disney dad by any means he doesn't spoil the kids and Chuck money at them, plays and is really loving with them. He can tell the children he loves them, which makes me so happy on one hand but on the other burns a little hole in my heart that he can't say it to me.
I think maybe I'm just not the right person for him?!
@HotPenguin the children make us both happy. We do have fun with the kids, but once they go to bed I can't wait to get away from him.

This is very sad to read. I genuinely think you would be so much happier in yourself if you were out of a relationship that makes you feel so bad.

1. Good father - doesn't mean good partner.
2. Financially secure - handy
3. Doesn't beat you - Shouldn't even be in the equation. It's a basic expectation.

So the only plus point of your DP is that he's earning. I'm not saying this to make you feel mercenary or bad. Just pointing out that you are likely to be happier in a relationship with absolutely any other employed man.

Because they are unlikely to be as emotionally stunted as he is. And honestly, you'd also be happier alone I think.

This is very sad and it seems understandably you are agonising over this. Has he got any autistic traits?

Your partner makes you feel that he doesn't actually like you. That's reason enough to leave him right there.

None of your positives are reasons to stay

He’s a good dad so he can be a good single dad
He’s financially responsible; good for him
He doesn’t beat you. Wow. Your bar is really low if you’re seriously listing this as a positive. This should be a basic standard requirement for anyone you see

It sounds like you shouldn’t be with him

@Mintlegs ive always thought the problem must be me. I thought I may be autistic, I've been looking into it for the last year but it's not quite resonating. He's definitely not the type to consider there could ever be anything wrong with him.
I have spent thousands on therapy trying to change myself over the years. Nothing has really worked, I think the last thing to try would be walking away and being on my own.
Fuck. I actually have to do this.