Please take a vote on my situation

[bubbagunt]

I have been in my relationship 10 years. I am at a cross roads as to whether I can do another 10 years, please can I ask what you would do. This is all I can think about at the moment, I'm very fragile so please no abuse. If you think I'm an idiot I understand, I quite often think that of myself, I just don't need to be told it tonight.

I'll start with the positive
He's a very good dad
He is financially responsible
He doesn't beat me

Now for the " is this just normal or is it bad"
He has never told me he loves me
He won't marry me ( doesn't believe in it )
He doesn't seem to like me if I'm doing something good, he seems threatened by it ( example... having personal training, winning an award at work, securing a big client etc all gets minimised/ignored )
Cannot provide any emotional support.
Is 40 but acts like a 20 year old emotionally ( yet very, very successful in business )
Tells little fibs rather than own up to minor things
If we are out and bump into someone he knows but I don't, he won't introduce me... just carries on as if I'm not there
If we are with friends in a group I always notice most other couples will mingle/ talk to each other whereas he will just go off and stand with his friends without ever even checking in with me. He will get himself/ friends beers but doesn't think to offer me one. Am I being a princess here? I'm so confused I don't know anymore if I'm actually just high maintenance.

I don't have family to rely on, I have a handful of good friends but feel bad moaning as on the outside a lot of people would kill for what I have materialistic wise. I would be walking away from complete financial security in these turbulent times. I am self employed in an industry that has been affected by Covid with 2 small children. I would want to leave as I couldn't afford to maintain the family home on my own and it's too big for me. Plus I actually don't want to stitch my partner up. This really isn't a LTB post as I don't want to hurt anyone, least if all my kids.
I feel like I'm not the best version of myself being with him.
But would I be silly to walk away when I could just find myself on the breadline chasing my tail every month for what I have described? Or am I being a princess?

I could not live in a love less marriage
The fact he won't marry you and hasn't said I love you is enough reason to leave

Being a good dad is a given basic expectation nit a positive

Hi OP, I definitely agree with all the pp's that you shouldn't continue as you are.
I'm going to go out on a limb though and say that you should suggest couples counselling to him. You have something between you that's made you go ahead and have not just one but two kids with this man. That suggests to me that maybe it hasn't always been this bad?
I'm not saying that the counselling will fix things and you'll stay together - to be honest that sounds like a long shot given where you are. But if you can explain how you feel in front of a neutral third person, and he can hear you, and he can maybe explain some stuff like the fibs and why he won't say he loves you - it just might bring you more on the same page for all the years of co-parenting you've got ahead of you.
And at the end of the day I think it's good for you to be able to say to your children "I gave it my best shot", when they ask what happened between you both.
Just my opinion obvs! Best of luck with whatever you decide

Thank you so much to everyone by the way.
I was honestly expecting a grilling and to be told I'm asking too much.
I wish I had posted years ago.

It would be a no from me. The things you say about him are bare minimum standards surely? It’s super convenient he doesn’t believe in marriage. I’m not thrilled by the concept but when children, property etc are involved then it’s prudent

Get away from him and be happy. You can be. You deserve to be.

@WoolyMammoth55 yes I have thought about joint therapy as a last resort, however he has sent me to therapy on my own in the past because the issues were "mine" so why did he need to go. He's not one to open up to a stranger, nor accept advice. He would just say he would do whatever he needs to do then not do it.
I really wouldn't walk away over a few misunderstandings. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking our relationship is normal. That's what's got me in this mess! My parents have a very dysfunctional, unloving, toxic but financially very secure relationship. I'm worried I am repeating a toxic cycle subconsciously and want to break it. I am worried about the short term pain though 😬

however he has sent me to therapy on my own in the past because the issues were "mine" so why did he need to go

Sounds like there’s been a bit of gaslighting going on in your relationship OP. I reckon some of the things your telling us are just the tip of the iceberg. I suspect everything is always your fault and you are paranoid and imagine things too?

Your 3 positives:

1. he's a very good dad - I'd actually question this based on how he treats their mum! When you say a good dad, in what way? Is he willing / capable of showing them love, empathy, emotion? Does he tell them he loves them.

2. sensible with money - ok, he's practical

3. doesn't beat you - absolute minimum standard and definitely not a positive reason to be with him.

You say he's never told you he loves you - do you love him?

You (and everyone!) deserves so much better - don't settle when you could be with someone who adores you and vice versa.

@Loopyloututu2 yes there's a bit of gaslighting, I have been looking into all of the signs of emotional abuse for years. I'm 99% sure I am in an emotionally abusive relationship and am being slowly driven batshit crazy but that 1% is holding on to the fact that it might possibly just be me! I don't know anyone that would think badly of him. Whereas I'm quite a reactive person ( quite likely due to being driven mad over the years ) so most people would think I'm ungrateful for all he gives me.
I am quite paranoid though 😂
He can lie very easily even when I'm in tears and saying I know he's lying. When it all comes out eventually it was always to protect me.
I know, I know.
I do think he is a good dad, a very good friend ( would do anything for his mates and often does ) he does practical stuff for me without a second thought! He's not your common or garden narcissist. He just can't show love or affection towards me.

Under "positives" it didn't occur to you to write that you love him or indeed anything about how he makes you feel. For that reason alone you should leave.

I think you should stay and work it through.

Your partner's problems sound like social awkwardness - maybe slight Asperger's Syndrome. It's not unusual for men to have poorer social skills than women, unfortunately. Is his job something where he just gets on with it, being clever, and doesn't rely on flexible and nuanced social skills? His success in his work might mask his deficits in other areas, in terms of the positivity and ease with which he is able to negotiate life and make good impressions outside the home - appearing to be ok with relationship skills.

It is childish to be competitive with you, but people who develop that mindset early on, often feel the need to be testing themselves against others. It's sad but a cultural thing which goes with being 'sharp-elbowed' as they say .

The fact that he is loving towards the children is a wonderful thing.

See if you can find the other thread on MN today; it's called something about a friend with a 35 year marriage being 'snobby' and criticizing people who split up and move another person in to be the quasi parent. The thread went on to be critical of people who get divorced and who haven't 'worked' at their marriage - not just about moving people in. It sounds like your problems could be ameliorated thanks to some counselling, if your partner would go. Even on your own might help you with strategies.

You'll see from the other thread on MN that there is a firm belief, backed up, no doubt by second hand experience, that children will always prefer that their parents stay together. If yours are young, then I would stay married for them. You will encounter some negative views, (although not universal on all counts) if you split the family, and I think you don't realise that, not uncommonly, when an individual in your partner's position finds a new lady, she might effectively and insidiously convince him not to maintain a generous and affectionate level of financial support for your children. If his interpersonal skills are as poor as you describe, then he might lack assertiveness and negotiating skills to tell her to mind her own business. I have seen this scenario happen to people often, and things soon become complex and miserable, make your current difficulties seemed manageable by comparison. Your DH might totally change in his attitude if his new partner has some agenda of her own which isn't favourable to your welfare and interests

You need help from counsellors or family, but do be careful because the advice to leave is always given extremely readily on MN, probably because people feel they have a duty to deter the woman from accepting unkindness which quickly develops into something more abusive.

@FifteenToes I did used to tell him I loved him all the time, but he would only ever say thanks in return. I think I would feel awkward saying it now 🥴
He makes me feel like I hate myself. He brings out the worst in me and I don't want to be that version of myself anymore.
I know what I need to do, I have for a while. Someone else posted that I was looking for validation and I think that's what I needed.

I'm worried I am repeating a toxic cycle subconsciously and want to break it.

It's not subconscious now though, is it? You've obviously been thinking something is very wrong for a long time now, and you have taken a brave and positive step in coming on here and asking for advice and support.

Look up psychopath
It's not slashy knife stabbers it's " normal" people who have no feelings and are manipulative to get what they want cold can't do empathy ... but still leave him

@Diverseopinions thank you for your response. I would definitely want to see a Councellor if I thought he would try/listen. But he really isn't that sort of person.
I would love nothing more than my kids to grow up with loving parents that lived under the same roof.
I do worry about him meeting a new woman, not so much to do with the financial side of things, more that she might not be kind to my children.
My parents hate each other, yet are still married. I often wonder if they had separated early on and met people they actually loved and had happier lives would I have been more inclined to look for the same myself?
I will take on board what you say before making any rash decisions. But the thought of living another 10 years without being loved seems a pretty bleak future to be honest.

Can you imagine how shit a person you'd need to be, for somebody to list 'Doesn't beat me' as one of your positive attributes?

That's how far down the barrel you have to make 3 positive things to say about him?

He's right. It is embarrassing for him. But that's his own doing. You've been willing to find that the fault is within yourself, but you don't need to look any farther than how shit your list of his positives are. It wouldn't really matter if you were a slug; it wouldn't make him any more worthy.

Sorry, that was a bit sluggist.

It sounds like you’re just married by title, rather than the relationship amounting to a loving, respectful marriage. It’s almost like he doesn’t even like you

Sounds like you already have all the responses you need, but as soon as I read your post it was obvious that this man does not meet your needs.

It doesn't matter whether he's on the spectrum or a good dad or solvent, he's supposed to be your partner and he doesn't have your back. You could carry on living like that but it will sap your soul.

That and not having a security net of a family to help out/ pick me up on the bad days.You call it a security netbut it looks like a spider's web to me and as for him replying thank you if you tell him you love him, how horrible

Did he go to boarding school as a child? In some cases that can lead to emotional issues but the person can be very successful in their career.

@bubbagunt

My parents hate each other, yet are still married. I often wonder if they had separated early on and met people they actually loved and had happier lives would I have been more inclined to look for the same myself

Yup. There's your explanation. We are very 'monkey see, monkey do', So, you can let yourself off the hook re self blame: you did what your parents demonstrated as 'how to have a relationship'.

You're in a good place. Some people never get to where you are, and stay all their lives feeling like they don't have other options. It is scary where you are, but it is do-able, and you really should do it, you know you should. It will be hard, but the most rewarding decision you will ever make, especially if you find a way (counselling did it for me) to get re-parented in a healthy way.

Hello. Didn't wanna read and run and wanted to tell you I was in a similar place a few years ago. 10 years, 3 kids, he was very successful, we had the big house and nice car. Great dad. But I was unhappy. He had no time for us, didn't put any effort into our relationship. I tried for so long. But I just knew I couldn't do another 10 years. I was earning minimum wage (still am) but I left. It was hard. I did have family who helped a lot. He was very bitter (still is to some extent) and that made it harder for me because of the kids. I didn't want them affected emotionally/mentally. But I'm through the other side now. I'm now married. My husband doesn't even earn half of what my ex partner did and we live in a small house which can be a squeeze. But I'm happy. So happy and feel free. He's still a great dad, we have the kids 50/50 (he has a lot of help from his parents as he works full time) and the kids are thriving as no longer under the doom and gloom of that relationship. Their dad seems happier which of course is also good for the kids. There were times I was regretting it because of how hard it was but now I'm so glad I was strong enough to do it. Hope this helps. x

@Yebanksandbraes no he went to state school. I think there are some family issues on his side but he wouldn't ever have it said.
@Eckhart yes I know. I'm a bit too aware I think so I know what I have to do. If we didn't have children I could have walked away and slammed the door without any regrets. But I just don't want to hurt them. I'm also worried he could manipulate them into thinking I'm the bad guy that turns their little lives upside down.

Thank you all for your advice.

THE OP’S “DP” WONT MARRY HER! RTT! He won’t even afford her that privilege!

I did used to tell him I loved him all the time, but he would only ever say thanks in return

That is horrible. “Thanks”?? Good god - he sounds like he has all the warmth of a wet teabag! You don’t need to stay together for the children OP - it sounds like you’ve tried, really tried for years and he cannot give you what you need (which sounds like just a little bit of love and warmth - not much to ask). You have been manipulated into thinking this is normal and you are just needy or something - honestly, it’s not you - it’s him.