Please take a vote on my situation

[bubbagunt]

I have been in my relationship 10 years. I am at a cross roads as to whether I can do another 10 years, please can I ask what you would do. This is all I can think about at the moment, I'm very fragile so please no abuse. If you think I'm an idiot I understand, I quite often think that of myself, I just don't need to be told it tonight.

I'll start with the positive
He's a very good dad
He is financially responsible
He doesn't beat me

Now for the " is this just normal or is it bad"
He has never told me he loves me
He won't marry me ( doesn't believe in it )
He doesn't seem to like me if I'm doing something good, he seems threatened by it ( example... having personal training, winning an award at work, securing a big client etc all gets minimised/ignored )
Cannot provide any emotional support.
Is 40 but acts like a 20 year old emotionally ( yet very, very successful in business )
Tells little fibs rather than own up to minor things
If we are out and bump into someone he knows but I don't, he won't introduce me... just carries on as if I'm not there
If we are with friends in a group I always notice most other couples will mingle/ talk to each other whereas he will just go off and stand with his friends without ever even checking in with me. He will get himself/ friends beers but doesn't think to offer me one. Am I being a princess here? I'm so confused I don't know anymore if I'm actually just high maintenance.

I don't have family to rely on, I have a handful of good friends but feel bad moaning as on the outside a lot of people would kill for what I have materialistic wise. I would be walking away from complete financial security in these turbulent times. I am self employed in an industry that has been affected by Covid with 2 small children. I would want to leave as I couldn't afford to maintain the family home on my own and it's too big for me. Plus I actually don't want to stitch my partner up. This really isn't a LTB post as I don't want to hurt anyone, least if all my kids.
I feel like I'm not the best version of myself being with him.
But would I be silly to walk away when I could just find myself on the breadline chasing my tail every month for what I have described? Or am I being a princess?

Ps. Ds aged12 just came in my bedroom and asked what I was reading on mumsnet. I said “I’m on a thread and the OP said that when she says “I love you” to her dp he just says “thanks” and won’t say “I love you” back. He looked shocked and said “what? That’s horrible - he shouldn’t be her husband then. She should dump him!”
Out of the mouths of babes!

@indianelephant thank you so much and I'm so happy for you that things worked out, even though it's been tough at times.
I'm not really that worried about going from rich to poor as such, more what the hell do I do if the money doesn't cover the bills at the end of the month and I don't have a soul in the world I can go to help for? I can live in primark and dye my own roots without an issue.
It's reassuring to hear you have a lovely husband now. I'm currently at the stage of fantasising of living in a little house with only my children and no other grown up to drain my energy.

@Loopyloututu2 Your Ds is going to be a lovely husband one day!
I don't think people believe me when I say he won't tell me he loves me. They always go " but yeah he must show it in other ways " and I'm like.,.. yeah I guess so... he pays the bills and doesn't duff me up so yeah you're right "
Oh how silly do I feel.

Sounds like he doesnt say he loves you, makes you feel unloved. Was it always like this, or did it change after the kids. Not congratulating you in any way regarding your achievements makes me think he likes to be the centre of your world. Time to up the ante, girl, and find out whether he really cares for you. Send yourself some flowers, then Rose's, and start going out , lockdown permitting, once week. He will become so fixated on what you are doing, you will soon find out his true feelings. Even when you are married or otherwise, you need to still be a person in your own right. Not just mother, wife, girlfriend etc. You are making life too easy for him.

I wonder if there could be a way of living more separately with in the same house - as it's a large place.

The saying 'thank you' sounds more and more like a petty childish type of social awkwardness to me. It sounds to me as though he doesn't believe that people should need to say 'I love you', so he isn't going to be 'bamboozled' as he would pretend to himself he sees it, in his own immature way.

I would avoid divorce. You sound like a lovely person who is too nice, and he is giving into his worse nature to be mean. Talking to his mates when out socialising sounds obtuse and might be unconscious - again . People laughing at him and ribbing him for his awfulness might change his attitude, but who is going to do this? During lockdown, life is still more isolating.

Only you know how much mental strain you could deal with, and it worries me that if you split, he might play stupid games with your mind and nerves and shatter your self-confidence. I worry it might be too onerous for you, and you might be better off creating space between you and him within the marriage framework, and trying to get time for training and hobbies to boost yourself and dilute his emotional importance to you . If he is a high earner, say you think you need a nanny to free yourself up.

I don't trust his take on life and emotional intelligence for him to be good to the kids after you split - if that's what happens. He might play his silly games over this and it will be wearing and anxiety-making for you.

If you want to know how easy it is to be a single mum when your struggling with your nerves after a stressful divorce, you need to ask somebody who has done it and knows what kind of jobs work best. Work might not be easy with Covid and little in the way of family support. I worry about you a lot over this. He might give up work and say he's got no money. He might be rigid in his thinking and regard supporting the family as his raisin d'etre and give up bothering when the life he wants is taken away. He sounds that petty, and you might be left hard up. Poverty is hard and draining and hurts your health and your diet.

He is a twat, and ignore how he speaks to you, but don't make things harder for yourself.

They always go " but yeah he must show it in other ways

I think this is probably just something people say because they don’t really know what to say iykwim.
One thing being on mumsnet has made me realise is that you are perfectly valid to feel the way YOU feel and have your own expectations in a relationship. What is ok for one person (ie having a dp who doesn’t say I love you, won’t marry you and doesn’t show any care/compassion/understanding) won’t be ok for (most) other people!
You have realised this isn’t working for you, you’ve tried and you still feel unhappy. You don’t need to justify it to anyone else.

Oh how silly do I feel.

You shouldn’t feel silly at all. You loved/love him and took a chance on him, maybe you thought he’d change. He’s let you down.

Exactly what @Ginmonkey84 said. You should be with someone who adores you. Sometimes we set our bar so low (as in, 'at least he doesn't beat me') we don't realise how much higher it should be. So very much higher. You deserve to be adored. So do I. I don't want to be stuck upstairs while he watches his little you tube videos of Piers Morgan or Jacob Rees Mogg. I don't want this to be my life. At least he doesn't beat me. That's the extent of my positives. You know what you need to do OP. As do I, but I know how hard that is x

You should 100% do that. I did a couple years just me and the kids and even though it was financially hard (I had help with benefits because even upping my hours my wage didn't cover everything) it was great knowing I didn't need a relationship to make life great. It was lots of fun having so much freedom and when I met my husband I knew going forward I would make sure I wasn't ever in a relationship because I felt I had to be but because I wanted to be. You definitely need to do your research into what help you would be entitled too (if any) for if that situation ever occurred where you were short on money for bills/ essentials. There is so much help out there that I found like community fridges (no judgement and no proof of low income free food and essentials for working and none working people) not that you'd need that but just an example on if you had a bad month. Being self employed must be hard as it's not a fixed income. Thank you so much for the love. I hope it all works out for you. We are here for if you need a rant or advice 💐

He will manipulate them anyway, whether you stay or go. He's not going to make you out to be the good guy, is he. If he was touting you as being amazing, you wouldn't be in this position.

If you leave him, your children have 2 households to learn from: your partner (can we say 'ex'?) with his unpleasant, manipulative ways, and yours, with your loving, responsible, please-add-positive-words-about-yourself-here, ways.

If you stay, your children have 1 household to learn from, where 1 partner treats the other like crap, and that behaviour is accepted.

Your kids will copy, in a 'monkey see, monkey do' manner, what you do. Just as you have copied your parents. Model for them, and their futures, one act: the act of walking away from that which makes you feel like shit. It will be, in one lesson, more valuable to their future happiness, than anything they learn at school.

I wish that my mum had done this when I was little. I would have been in awe. Do this for your kids. Demonstrate walking away to them. Whatever crap he performs as a result, they will see through him. Stay calm, stay resolute. You know in your heart it's the right thing to do.

I think you deserve to be in a relationship that makes you happy and this one doesn’t

You need to cut your losses and make a new life. It sounds awful. Why did you have children with someone who couldn't even say they love you?

Any positive list that includes not being beaten shows that you're really struggling for positives.
Leave

My exH was a little bit like yours in that he wouldn't include me in social gatherings, if we met one of his friends that I didn't know he wouldn't introduce me. He sometimes used to walk 5 paces in front of me when we were out and about.
It made me feel tiny, and as if he was embarrassed to be with me.
To some extent he must've been as he left me for someone else in the end.
I am not saying this is happening to you, but I would seriously consider ending things if that's how he makes you feel. My self esteem was in tatters and it's only just dawning on me 18m down the line how our marriage wasn't really a good marriage at all.

You deserve much much more than he is giving you.

Would you want a relationship like this for your child when they grow up? If the answer is no, (or maybe no with bells on, or even hell no), make plans to leave.
Children see, hear and pick up on FAR more than we realise - and they will regard your relationship as normal.....like you did with your parents. At least until you realised what a hellish way it is too live. You’ve said he won’t consider counselling (not that it’s the cure for all ills anyway), and you’re not married, so that does make leaving a whole lot easier. As pp have pointed out, he doesn’t show you love in any way, shape or form - and that’s no way to live.

@LoveIsAllThereIs I guess it was just normal to not be told he loved me. It's always been an issue to me but I was always made to feel I was being unreasonable and ungrateful to ask for it. He's very much of the thinking that he works so hard for the family and has created us a lovely home that I should count myself lucky. I'm ashamed to say I just agreed with that mentality all these years.
I've got a lot of work to do on self esteem as this seems to be a pattern which I do need to put a stop to.
The thought of making the break is making me feel physically sick. Although I'm not trying to talk myself out of it any more which is progress!

[quote bubbagunt]@LoveIsAllThereIs I guess it was just normal to not be told he loved me. It's always been an issue to me but I was always made to feel I was being unreasonable and ungrateful to ask for it. He's very much of the thinking that he works so hard for the family and has created us a lovely home that I should count myself lucky. I'm ashamed to say I just agreed with that mentality all these years.
I've got a lot of work to do on self esteem as this seems to be a pattern which I do need to put a stop to.
The thought of making the break is making me feel physically sick. Although I'm not trying to talk myself out of it any more which is progress! [/quote]
@bubbagunt oh that is so sad and it really isn't normal, you shouldn't have to be grateful for that. This is 2021! I very much understand the fear, it's paralysing sometimes isn't it? Wishing you all the best

Sounds like he will get worse., short of a drastic reset, and how likely is that?

Hello all. I wanted to give an update as everyone has been so helpful in guiding me to realise my relationship is not healthy. Two weeks ago I told him I cannot do this anymore and I'm leaving. I have had the estate agents out to value the house, waiting to see if he will buy me out or we will sell. I've made arrangements to hand my lease car back and am looking for a cheaper car that is suitable for me and my children. I'm in the process of seeing if I am even able to get a mortgage.
I'm actually terrified, but know I have to do this. The thought of my kids ending up in unhappy relationships due to witnessing ours is too much.
He is laying on the guilt thick. It's awful. Saying I'm taking his children away from him and that he'd never do that to me. I've said he can see the children as much as he wants and we don't have to be "normal" about arrangements but he's still making out I'm the bad guy for breaking up the family.
It's bloody hard. But I'm doing it anyway.

I think the fact the longest list is not the positive one speaks volumes. Even writing a list in the first place means deep down you know you deserve much better.

So good to read your update OP.

Your posts were so sad.

Let him try and guilt trip you all he likes.

You got great advice from many on here.

One thing that struck me, it's always the small things with me....that when you are out socialising he would get himself and friends a drink but never think of you.

He's a prick.
A nasty, deliberately belittling prick.

The not getting you a drink is his way of telling you, that you just aren't worth the effort.

Not a nice man.
Not a good man.

Every time he tries to guild you, think of him deliberately not getting you a drink.

He's a small nasty man.

He's just not good enough.

Don't feel guilt.
You have none.

You've wasted 10 years with him, thank God you realise that.

The best of luck.
Keep posting updates.
So positive to read of lovely women like you taking back control of their lives.

It's never too late.

The simple fact is you are not happy.
I spent 20 years in a marriage like this that was not happy but was not violent and was in no way supportive, All he cared about was his own needs and nothing else, it broke me in half.
I thought my life was over when it ended but actually all of the worry and anxiety lifted and I was able to think about myself and my needs for the first time in years.
There is no leaving deadline, it sounds like you have pretty much decided to leave and the when is entirely up to you. When it suits you and when you are sorted.

Well done, OP, I would like to have seen his face when you told him ! I bet he wasn't his usual, indifferent self. You are NOT the bad guy, he is, and I bet writing it all down, you didn't recognise yourself.

So happy to hear you have told him and are leaving him.
Life is much too short to stay in such a miserable situation; a death by a thousand cuts.