Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Deceitful ? Or not ? Asd ‘masking’ within an early relationship

71 replies

feelingCheatedd · 17/03/2021 18:38

So I’m trying to work out. Is/was this deceitful?

I mask a lot always have. When I first met my Dh obviously I did and I didn’t tell him of my diagnosis till the relationship was v serious.
I actually masked for a few years to some extent.
I don’t anymore but during an argument he said had he known the truth things woukd have been different.

I didn’t set out to be deceitful but now I feel is that how it would be viewed?

OP posts:
ParadiseIsland · 17/03/2021 18:50

I think it’s a hard one. My own very PERSONAL pov

  • If the difference between masking or not is big, this will affect the dynamics Of the relationship. Suddenly things that were easy become hard. Some stuff that could have been a deal breaker early on the relationship suddenly appear.
  • if someone is masking but act as if it’s their ‘normal’ not their work/4outside persona, I would wonder why they can’t carry on being and acting like they were for all those years.
  • if then I was told years later, once I’ve invested time/emotions/future that actually things are different, I would find it hard. 1 because I’ve invested so much, 2 because if I’m saying it’s not working for me, I would feel I’m rejecting. That person because Of their disability. It means I would try even harder to make it work when my first reaction could have been ‘No it doesn’t work for me’.

I wouldn’t Put it as lying or deceitful . But it would be similar than the guy who is equality until you have kids and. You are left in a 1950 set up with smalll dcs (aka harder to leave etc

OfTheNight · 17/03/2021 18:56

I personally feel as above. I don’t have ASD so I can’t relate exactly. But I do have bipolar disorder and EUPD. I can keep them under wraps to a degree, but I think they’re too big a part of me to hide from a partner and they deserve to know as, eventually, they will impact that person. So a partner has the right to choose with all the information they need.

Original poster
feelingCheatedd · 17/03/2021 19:02

I feel bad because I didn’t set out to be a different person.
It just happened that I was masking most of the time at the beginning so appeared different but it was exhausting. Rather than mask less I managed to steer dates away from situations where I needed to mask as much so not meals out but takeaway and watch a film so it was easy in a way to keep this up.
By the time I had told him and then gradually over time didn’t need to mask anymore it’s made things worse
Before I would mask and do things like have to ask for something (ie a coffee in a cafe) y it would use up so much energy but now I can say ‘sorry I can’t do that - can you order for me and I’m waiting outside because it’s too busy in there’ but I think he prefers my masking personality?

In the argument he said i should have said and he felt tricked ?

OP posts:
Sstrongtn · 17/03/2021 19:07

Sorry but I think he’s right.

Everyone is the “best” version of themselves when dating so a bit of that is ok, but to completely and deliberately cover who you really are and what you can really do/not do, and now not mask at all surely means he married a totally different person?

Doona · 17/03/2021 19:11

If you've always masked, then it's part of who you are. Everyone behaves differently around others than they do alone, it's assumed they will, and so how is masking different?

Original poster
feelingCheatedd · 17/03/2021 19:14

I think I was just trying to function in difficult social situations and get past a certain point where he would know me and like me so I could gradually let the masking stop, if that makes sense

It would take days if preparation for even a short date id use up all my mental and physical energy and be bedbound the following day I feel like there’s now an expectation after this argument for me to mask more again to make things easier for him ? He wants a ‘normal wife’
It’s hard to explain the effort that goes into masking to him it’s not something I want to do if I don’t have to it’s draining to the point of not being able to function afterwards at all

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingCheatedd · 17/03/2021 19:16

I had felt so secure in the last couple of years and been able to say if I felt uncomfortable or couldn’t do something
Or if I was overwhelmed to say just that but me doing this isn’t helping our relationship I think he wants me to mask for him still if that makes sense

OP posts:
Doona · 17/03/2021 19:21

It sounds as though even though you didn't intend to deceive him, he ended up deceived. He fell in love with the masked version, whereas you thought he fell in love with the real you and you could drop the mask. You were both deceived, in a way.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 17/03/2021 19:22

Unfortunately you are not the person he thought he married. Of course he "wants you to mask", not because he's an uncaring arsehole but because that's the person he he thought he met and fell in love with.

RandomMess · 17/03/2021 19:23

Did you marry before you unmasked??

Original poster
feelingCheatedd · 17/03/2021 19:26

So now I feel like I have to go backwards to help my relationship
For example if he says in future ‘we are going out for a meal with friends’ I can’t say either ‘no sorry I hate socialising and eating in front of other people ‘ and not go I have to either say I’ll go but that I need him to order for me and help me out with conversation etc and be masking a bit or do full masking and talk to people order my own food then go home afterwards and be feeling dreadful for days after as it’s used up everything I have

I didn’t tell him when I first knew him because i couldn’t find the right way

OP posts:
Hailtomyteeth · 17/03/2021 19:27

Not deceitful. People try to show their best side at the start of a relationship.

If he wants you to be 'a normal wife' he's going to lose you. Protect your mental health - don't let anyone dictate who you should or shouldn't be.

Original poster
feelingCheatedd · 17/03/2021 19:29

@RandomMess

Did you marry before you unmasked??
No I didn’t tell him about my asd till I was pregnant 2 years into our relationship I had to because I knew it would be mentioned in antenatal care We actually got married after being together 10 years and even that was not the wedding he wanted as I had to have the minimum people at a registry office not a big wedding because I just couldn’t have coped
OP posts:
Original poster
feelingCheatedd · 17/03/2021 19:32

Lockdown hasn’t helped I think the fact he’s worked from home for a year has made him see things 24/7 and how I am. No breaks really or time apart

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 17/03/2021 19:32

I would seriously recommend couples counselling. You might be able to come to a compromise going forward and understand each other better.

He's not at fault for wanting what he thought he got, but you're not at fault either. Try and work together.

RandomMess · 17/03/2021 19:32

Was it an unplanned pregnancy?

Original poster
feelingCheatedd · 17/03/2021 19:35

@RandomMess

Was it an unplanned pregnancy?
Yes
OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 17/03/2021 19:35

So he found out two years into the relationship and got married 8 years later? He wasn’t exactly tricked into it then was he???

annonnymous · 17/03/2021 19:35

If you are masking your true personality, behaviours or feelings, then you are lying to the other person.

Its sad you felt you had to do that but I know there is enormous pressure placed on people on the autism spectrum, to conform to society. However it is also not fair to represent yourself as someone you aren't to someone who loves you and you love.

I hope you can work this out

OuiOuiKitty · 17/03/2021 19:36

My dh was 'masking' for the first few years. Yes I felt deceived. I don't think he deliberately set out to deceive me but it still felt like I was tricked to a certain degree.

I think I was just trying to function in difficult social situations and get past a certain point where he would know me and like me so I could gradually let the masking stop, if that makes sense

This makes me wince because I was myself at the start of my relationship. Dh and it sounds like you weren't yourselves. You were the version you thought people wanted. I get that for 2 or 3 dates, you want to be the best version of you but for dh it was years.

Original poster
feelingCheatedd · 17/03/2021 19:38

He feels the less I masked the more dependant i became on him

OP posts:
annonnymous · 17/03/2021 19:41

@Doona

If you've always masked, then it's part of who you are. Everyone behaves differently around others than they do alone, it's assumed they will, and so how is masking different?
Masking for an autistic person takes a huge effort and takes a real toll on their energy and mental health. Its not part of who they are, its an act to fit into a society that is very confusing and difficult for them to work out.

Long term it is very damaging and denies their reality and their true experience of life. An autistic person needs true acceptance to feel at ease, not this walking on eggshells existance.

RandomMess · 17/03/2021 19:43

Well I think 2 years was a long time to not tell him.

The pregnancy was unplanned and then you didn't marry for another 8 years - he had plenty of time to walk away before you married!

I understand how he feels but I think his words are inaccurate and unfair.

Definitely go for couples counselling and see if you can find compromises that improve his quality of life without negatively impacting on yours.

His point of view is that your needs are dictating his life and he is no longer happy enough with the limitations that brings.

Also he must have felt stick that he either didn't want to end it because you were pregnant or quite possibly didn't understand the impact of your condition and how it affect him.

Doona · 17/03/2021 19:47

Thanks annonnymous

thelegohooverer · 17/03/2021 19:51

Is masking something that you consciously do?
When ds is masking it looks to me like an innate stress response rather than a deliberate, rational choice. He rarely does it at home, but I can spot the difference between masking, and him having a good day or even making an effort to behave well. It doesn’t seem to me that he’s actually in control of it.

As an NT, I know I’m quite different than I was when dh and I got married. There’s a lot more effort put in at the start of a relationship. It’s not deceit as much as the natural evolution of long term relationships. I think you need to cut yourself a little bit of slack here.

I agree with a pp who suggested counselling. It’s a tough situation for you both.

Swipe left for the next trending thread