Deceitful ? Or not ? Asd ‘masking’ within an early relationship

[feelingCheatedd]

So I’m trying to work out. Is/was this deceitful?

I mask a lot always have. When I first met my Dh obviously I did and I didn’t tell him of my diagnosis till the relationship was v serious.
I actually masked for a few years to some extent.
I don’t anymore but during an argument he said had he known the truth things woukd have been different.

I didn’t set out to be deceitful but now I feel is that how it would be viewed?

'they had said NT person cannot understand how it feels to never fit in, I might have agreed'

Sorry don't know how to quote properly... but yes this is what I meant.. I worded it badly.. I men t be totally at sea in the 'normal' world .. to feel in a bubble of confusion and misunderstanding, to never feel like I got it right , that every single interaction may have been wrong, to never know if I've read a situation correctly and not be able to analyse it if it was wrong because I don't know what 'right' is. To see my ASD child standing alone like its the first day of reception... only its 5 years in and he still hasnt been able to learn the social norms. But yes from a PP I'm 'ridiculous' for a clumsily worded phrase trying to articulate the sense of separation.. basically get back in your box if you can't get it right 🤷‍♀️

It seems that this situation has escalated since Covid started. I'm not sure I'd do anything drastic (eg end the relationship) until you have tried going back to a situation where he is working outside the home. You aren't getting any respite from him, and on some level he feels rejected by the fact that you can't recuperate (maybe not the right word) while he is there,much as you may love him. This strikes me as an issue where a few things need to wiggle a bit, and that won't come by assigning blame, but looking how you can meet each others needs more.
Eg find out why it bothers him to order your food. Is there something you do that he finds awkward. Eg I sometimes feel a bit annoyed that dh can't do a particular task, then I remember that in the winter he always gets up early and defrosts the car for me, then the resentment dissipates.

It's hard, OP - I'm ND myself and very lucky that my husband is too so he understands. But I found a previous relationship breaking down because the masked version of me was who my partner fell for, not the unmasked version. It hurt but I understood - I had tried to be someone else and it backfired.

I think it's important to find out which parts of your masking your husband is missing (or which bits of your unmasked self he finds difficult). Is it socialising or going out and about, or how you communicate at home, etc etc? I think this'll help you decide if this is something you can make a compromise on for the sake of your marriage or not.

If you can't - which is fair enough, as it's exhausting and a HUGE ask to say "I'm going to consciously mask in X scenario for the rest of my life for the sake of my marriage" - then I think you do have to accept that your husband may not want your marriage to continue. He didn't have the full picture going in and I can see why he's bothered by it, even as I can see why it is so painful for you. It's incredibly hard and I'm so sorry that it's worked out this way.

I don't think you've done anything wrong OP, I think your partner doesn't understand the presentation of autism in women or masking and how much of toll it takes on you and that it's not a choice you can switch on and off.

Some counsellors specialise in clients with ASD or counsel couples where one partner is neurodiverse and the other is NT.

Random googling gives these as first hits if it's something you may like to consider.
www.actionforaspergers.org/asperger-marriage-counselling/
www.autism.org.uk/directory/a/ann-jinks-counselling
www.connections-counselling.co.uk/

On thé other side, @BlankTimes, her DH doesn’t have to accept to live a life completely different to what he had imagined and what he had set out to live. Because the OP happens to have ASD and it’s making life very different.

At a different level, I’ve developed ME. It’s stopping me from doing more or less all the activities I used to do with DH during our hols and weekend because it’s all outdoor based and I cant walk more than 15 mins.
Most people have told me DH is somehow a saint because he had to step up and take on most of the housework and cooking (that I can’t do anymore). Things that would normally be considered ‘normal’ for me to do.
Ive had to accept that I’m not going to be involved in a lot of my family activities (dcs are also very outdoorsy).

Sam applies here. It’s great if the OP’s husband is happy to change his life and adapt to the OP now visible struggles. But he doesn’t have to. Regardless on his understanding of ASD.

What confuses me is why you’d want to be with someone who you have to put on an act for? Surely it’s more enjoyable to be with someone who makes you feel comfortable?

@Bagamoyo1

What confuses me is why you’d want to be with someone who you have to put on an act for? Surely it’s more enjoyable to be with someone who makes you feel comfortable?

It's not that simple - a lot of ND people who are capable of masking do so with all new people they meet, because neurotypical people generally find ND behaviours 'weird', 'off putting' or confusing. Add that to the fact that it's very different seeing your partner in smaller chunks, it can feel manageable to mask for a date or a weekend or a holiday and it makes like with mostly NT people around you run more smoothly a lot of the time.

It's not necessarily a case of feeling uncomfortable with that specific person (although it can be), it can be a general thing with all new people that's easy enough to keep up for the early parts of a relationship. But once it's not, then the change appears very dramatic to the other person.

I do feel like not sharing this until you had him “locked down” and committed is quite misleading & deceitful.

This is the kind of thing people deserve to know, especially if they may be wanting to settle down & have a family. It isn’t pleasant to hear but people I feel deserve to have all the information upfront & make a decision

To keep this till after commitment has been made may make a person feel bamboozled.

It’s the kind of thing you might keep to yourself for weeks or months, but this long - that’s lying and a betrayal of trust.

@babyyodaxmas

Someone who is NT can never really understand how it feels not to fit in

Don't be ridiculous of course we understand not fitting in. Extroverts spend hours agonising over saying the right thing/ what people think of them. We don't mask, we are ourselves but that doesn't mean we don't fear rejection. It is part of the human condition.

Are you thinking that Extroverts are the opposite of neurodiverse people?

Someone who is NT can never really understand how it feels not to fit in

Don't be ridiculous of course we understand not fitting in. Extroverts spend hours agonising over saying the right thing/ what people think of them. We don't mask, we are ourselves but that doesn't mean we don't fear rejection. It is part of the human condition.

@babyyodaxmas Maybe there's a different way of phrasing it, but non-NT people do fit in less than the average NT person, and it is harder. It's not entirely the same as NT people's experience. You do not know what we experience. Your response came across as a bit dismissive and obnoxious TBH. We experience both what the average person experiences of trying to do the most effective thing socially, and another layer of stuff too.

I'm an extrovert and non- NT by the way.

@feelingCheatedd

Your husband's comment wasn't nice at all.

I think most people don't disclose MH/ non-NT stuff early in a relationship, for fear of discrimination.

In general, if you avoid certain activities it makes those activities harder in future (though I understand it's a balance of course.)

Maybe you could go back to your GP/consultant and get some more help for your anxiety?

So much of what you wrote about not wanting to eat and socialise out in front of other people resonates with me.. I put on quite a masterful act in my day-to-day life however I deeply resent having to spend any of my leisure time coerced into these "fun" social situations. I positively wither internally at any kind of teams activity, group sports or away days, etc
Personally ive been single for 10+ years since I came to terms with the realisation that the compromise of my own-self and denial of my own need for solitude was a vastly inadequate trade off for co-habitation and I wouldnt be able to meet the demands of a partner and balance this with my own sanity : )
Im grateful that my job in disability services has a high level of responsibility and autonomy- my "inner workings" (private joke with myself) allow me to achieve results where others fail and develop behaviour-based strategies that wouldnt occur to most people in and outside the department. I feel validated through this and know my value.
In your partners shoes I think Id feel cheated. He's built his life/envisaged a future with a woman who doesnt exist, seeing as its your own creation of what an attractive propostion looks like. Very hard to see a way out of this other than agreeing to draw up a kind of contract of expectations if he was willing to give it a go..I think the thought of that for most people would be a death-knell tbh.

masking isn't a conscious decision, as somebody else mentioned, I am sure it is part of an unconscious stress response.

Polyvagal theory explains it nicely. Haven't yet had a look at the evidence base. It puts to rest a lot of the misconceptions around more puzzling aspects of masking.

I can see why your husband feels cheated; However as you two still got married to eachother a decade later, I would think he fell in love with the UN masked you somewhere along the line. You would think so anyway, eh?

I am a middle aged autistic woman. I was only diagnosed with autism last year. When I was growing up it wasn't a thing so it was missed until my employer identified that increased stress meant my autistic traits were way more visible.

My ex husband had identified it but it just felt like part of the whole picture of him not accepting me as me.
I masked for years - except I called it more of coping strategies. I honestly can't say where the mask and attempt to be seen as close to normal ended and the real unmasked me began. It didn't feel like lying. Autistic people are often too blunt and literal, but rarely lie because we often just don't know how. I was just trying to get through my day the best way I knew how...

A lot of autistic masking is probably just like that. Seeking a level of acceptance in a world where unmasking just labels you yet again as wierd.... Good luck OP.

@Otter71 there’s a big difference between the experience you describe & wilfully hiding a diagnoses condition from your partner for several years until pregnant with their child.

Your experience is not the same at all - your masking was a coping mechanism for something you didn’t know you had. Everyone “masks” in social situations to some extent.

Even the extrovert is masking their sadness behind a veil of confidence. The introvert feigns interest in exchanging pleasantries with others even when we don’t want to socially engage...We all do it to fit in at least sometimes.

I don’t think that is the same as actual deception for years and deciding for your partner that they will have a higher chance of having a child with autism just because you don’t want to be honest. That’s a terrible thing to do to someone

Plus as you say it is not in the nature of autism to hide secrets & many see things in black & white, so find lying a challenge.

How is it she has kept this secret for years ? What made this black & white & okay to do in her mind?

You've 'taught' him your asd is optional. So his expectations are out of line with reality. You have deceived him, just not intentionally. Most people's best version of themselves are not life changing stuff, like not farting in bed etc. But actually some neurotypical people had game changing facts about themselves too, which when they come to light alter the foundations of the relationship. Like gambling addiction for instance.
You need to be totally honest with him, educate him what you can offer and let him make his choices from there. I think he is reasonable to be upset and to need to be in dissing of all the facts now.
If course he loves you and you have a family, he won't want to break that up so his first wish is that it can go back to what it was... He will need to grieve (denial, anger etc) for the relationship he thought he had. Maybe he will decide he still loves you, maybe he will feel the relationship is wrong.

OP you should have said your were male and your DH female and you would have received very different responses from a lot of people here.

Of course you deceived him why is it even a question . You deliberately masked because you wanted him to think you were a different person from who you are. As someone said, recommend couples counselling so you both can work through this now you're married.

I don’t think that is the same as actual deception for years and deciding for your partner that they will have a higher chance of having a child with autism

Risk of that is fairly small.

just because you don’t want to be honest.

@gutful It's not as if OP was lying for the sake of it, it's because of how prejudice and discrimination effects disabled people's lives. This is real.

If I told employers I had bipolar I probably wouldn't get a job. If I told landlords I probably wouldn't easily find a home. There are many different opportunities that may close to you with a MH problem/neurodiversity- including even basic shelter. I was homeless twice until the council gave me a home, due to issues with landlords.

Navigating dating is very difficult, as you can imagine, and it's not something that you come out with early on necessarily- not if you want another date, anyway.

Trying to say OP was lying for the sake of it shows complete ignorance of the reality of disabled people's lives.

@feelingCheatedd You just did what you thought was best and that's ok. Don't feel bad about what we have to do as disabled people in this society to try and get by and make the best life we can for ourselves.

I think you could consider seeing a doctor/ consultant as you seem to be finding things so difficult. Someone may have ASD but things can still be done for the unpleasant symptoms they have, such as anxiety.

@SoulofanAggron I also have bipolar & would not tell an employer that.

Because its something to manage privately & try not to let it affect my work performance.

I would hazard a guess that many employees choose not to share their personal life stories with their employer.

Leaving out key info to a life partner though? Is that really the same as not disclosing bipolar to your employer? I don't think it is.

The thing is an employer can always sack you - bit harder to sack off the wife who is pregnant with your child - that's a lot more permanent. The lie has irrevocably changed the direction of this person's life.

Also "Navigating dating is very difficult, as you can imagine"

They aren't dating. They are married with child on the way - at what point in a relationship is honesty expected about genetic conditions which you are knowingly passing onto the other's offspring?

And this wasn't even open honesty - it was begrudgingly telling him because the nurses were going to out her. She stole his ability to choose and waited until he was locked down for life with child.

It is a bit unbelievable that for years you could seemingly face social occasions but now apparently cannot.

I would suggest a compromise of one social occasion per month or something.

Also "Navigating dating is very difficult, as you can imagine" They aren't dating.

We were talking about how OP acted and why she didn't reveal she had an ASD diagnosis earlier. You were saying she lied just randomly for no reason. She didn't.

She was honest with him years ago now about having ASD.

Having said that, I don't think getting one's husband/partner to order for you and stuff is a good thing to do on a regular basis, as the person can lose basic skills/they become harder to use if they're not used regularly. But everyone's different.

I'm still learning about masking myself, so don't know if there's anything I will change in the way that OP has. Personally, not being able to do stuff like go in a shop or whatver I would see as a backward step. It's like stuff I used to avoid when I used to have panic attacks years ago. I managed to overcome those. Not being able to do stuff, running back home etc etc- I would be concerned if I got like that again and would see my consultant to improve it.

I do make sure I get plenty of time to myself though. @feelingCheatedd Do you get much time to yourself to fully relax?

There are some things I still don't talk about much to loved ones, such as eating disorder symptoms etc.

And this wasn't even open honesty - it was begrudgingly telling him because the nurses were going to out her.

I think OP was maybe worrying unnecessarily somewhat there. They hopefully don't go round blabbing people's private info. She chose to have her partner in the antenatal appointment when she needn't have.

It is a bit unbelievable that for years you could seemingly face social occasions but now apparently cannot.

People's mental health varies. Also OP has more demands on her now with family etc, which she finds harder. For instance, if she used to be flattened for days after a social occasion, it's relatively less of a problem if you live alone or don't have children. You can just veg out and recover. But if you have kids you can't as easily.

@feelingCheatedd I wouldn't just accept not being able to do things like a meal though sometimes. With therapy, medication etc these things can be do-able and even fun.