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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Deceitful ? Or not ? Asd ‘masking’ within an early relationship

71 replies

feelingCheatedd · 17/03/2021 18:38

So I’m trying to work out. Is/was this deceitful?

I mask a lot always have. When I first met my Dh obviously I did and I didn’t tell him of my diagnosis till the relationship was v serious.
I actually masked for a few years to some extent.
I don’t anymore but during an argument he said had he known the truth things woukd have been different.

I didn’t set out to be deceitful but now I feel is that how it would be viewed?

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingCheatedd · 17/03/2021 19:53

Yes I think it’s been because I am now very upfront I will say I won’t do certain things rather than go and mask
I feel like finally I’m at a point in my life where I can do that as masking is so hard and uses up so much energy and makes me unwell afterwards.
I spent my childhood having to conform and mask and my parents were always telling me to act normally and I think that stuck with me for a long time. But I do think maybe I’m too the other way now the freedom to say no I wont do something but to expect Dh to step in for me rather than me masking was probably unfair of me

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 17/03/2021 19:56

You are more dependent on him... he married a person who ordered food, spoke to people, acted independently. He didn’t know this came at a huge emotional cost the day after. He thought you were perhaps reserved. You lied to him and now are facing the consequences. I’m being vey harsh, but to me trust is huge. A couple of months I would accept, because getting to know someone etc. I couldn’t continue a relationship in which I felt deceived

RandomMess · 17/03/2021 19:57

How would you feel if your DH now refused to do lots of things he has always done after 10 years?

Original poster
feelingCheatedd · 17/03/2021 19:59

@thelegohooverer

Is masking something that you consciously do? When ds is masking it looks to me like an innate stress response rather than a deliberate, rational choice. He rarely does it at home, but I can spot the difference between masking, and him having a good day or even making an effort to behave well. It doesn’t seem to me that he’s actually in control of it.

As an NT, I know I’m quite different than I was when dh and I got married. There’s a lot more effort put in at the start of a relationship. It’s not deceit as much as the natural evolution of long term relationships. I think you need to cut yourself a little bit of slack here.

I agree with a pp who suggested counselling. It’s a tough situation for you both.

Both conscious and unconscious I think Sometimes if it was a pretty planned event I would know I had to be a certain way I’d plan things I had to do or say to appear normal I’d plan times to disappear to the bathroom for as long as possible to ‘recover’ for a bit

When it’s been something unexpected that’s even harder as if I haven’t prepared and I get very stressed I can find it impossible to speak and I get into real problems then

OP posts:
Didiplanthis · 17/03/2021 20:05

I understand where he is coming from but I also completely understand why you did what you did. You have been pressured and conditioned throughout your life to conform and be different to who you are and this extended into your relationship. Someone who is NT can never really understand how it feels not to fit in

EarthSight · 17/03/2021 20:09

When you were putting so much effort into being this other person, the person you thought he wanted you to be, and then got married to, did you think how he would feel about it one day when you would eventually stop doing this? How did you imagine he would feel or cope with that? How did you imagine you would cope with that?

Didiplanthis · 17/03/2021 20:10

Posted to soon ! I am ND. I have been married 20 years.. and my Neurodiversity has become more obvious to me during that time.. as I have 2 children with ASD/ADHD and I recognise me and my childhood struggles in them. Interestingly my DH is finding it harder to deal with my anxiety since it has become apparent it is linked into my Neurodiversity and reflects more OCD obsessive thoughts than 'normal' anxiety as he finds it much harder to understand and he no longer supports me in the same way. It makes me sad but I do understand that I am not quite the person he thought I was..

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 17/03/2021 20:11

As someone who most likely has ASD, I think you were really unfair to wait two whole years to tell him of your diagnosis. I am very Aspergers in my profile and have learnt a lot about myself in the last 3 or 4 years following 2 of my DS being diagnosed. I don’t mask in social situations-I have learnt the script and play it well. But my DH has learnt with me, so we had no idea (although it helps he is most likely also ND) he accepts my quirks and foibles because I’ve always been the same-we just now know the reason. I think if I’d have hidden my true self for two years and then sprung it on him he’d be right to question who I was.

I’m not saying you should go back to masking...I think you should be true to who you are, but it’s possible this may end the relationship.

Foxhasbigsocks · 17/03/2021 20:13

Op I’m coming at this from a different place to others and think you might get responses that are more helpful to you on there than here.

IMO your dx is yours to do with as you want. There is no obligation on you to reveal it immediately. I have a dc with HFA and will not be advising them to reveal this immediately to a prospective partner.

I would say ideally you would be able to tell them at around the same time you are starting to get serious - a few months in. I understand that having asd can make understanding how others would react to a dx and how best to reveal it more challenging.

You need and deserve a partner who loves you as you are. I think ultimately you can try to understand your OH’s feelings and explain that you didn’t intend to upset him, but after that if he can’t love you as you are then this relationship may not be right for you. I would consider seeing what support is out there for you from ASD charities with how to handle this issue.

Wishing you all the best Flowers

Original poster
feelingCheatedd · 17/03/2021 20:14

@EarthSight

When you were putting so much effort into being this other person, the person you thought he wanted you to be, and then got married to, did you think how he would feel about it one day when you would eventually stop doing this? How did you imagine he would feel or cope with that? How did you imagine you would cope with that?
I didn’t think about it I put all my effort into trying to act a certain way and then recover from that then do it again and again I didn’t think of the long term at that point I thought of just getting through each date / social situations / day and then to hide away to recover to start again
OP posts:
Foxhasbigsocks · 17/03/2021 20:15

@Didiplanthis I have had a very similar experience to you Flowers There is a stigma surrounding ND sadly and my dp has found it hard to accept I likely have ADHD and so am not “normal”.

Foxhasbigsocks · 17/03/2021 20:16

@feelingCheatedd I get the impression you were just trying to do the right thing and I appreciate how hard that must have been for you Flowers

babyyodaxmas · 17/03/2021 20:19

Someone who is NT can never really understand how it feels not to fit in

Don't be ridiculous of course we understand not fitting in. Extroverts spend hours agonising over saying the right thing/ what people think of them. We don't mask, we are ourselves but that doesn't mean we don't fear rejection. It is part of the human condition.

RandomMess · 17/03/2021 20:21

Ironically I am the one going through ASD diagnosis whereas DH has severe anxiety.

What really hurts me is that he will push his boundaries to do things that matter to him but not for me and things I want to do with him. The message I take from that is that I am not worth it.

Had he been acting like this before we got married I wouldn't have married him. I love him less because of it because I know where I stand in his priorities.

Foxhasbigsocks · 17/03/2021 20:22

@babyyodaxmas just to gently challenge that, don’t you think it’s a significant difference of degree?

Every time I go out with my dc it’s obvious she is different. It’s the fact she laughs too loud, doesn’t make eye contact etc etc. Temple Grandin wrote A Martian in the Playground to sum up how this made her feel. My dd says ‘everyone thinks I’m weird’ and sadly she is right.

It really is quite different from me worrying about what to wear and wishing I had different shoes on.

Shoxfordian · 17/03/2021 20:27

Everytime you masked how you felt, your dh thought oh that’s good, she’s fine with going here or doing that only to find you’re not fine with it. I don’t really blame him

babyyodaxmas · 17/03/2021 20:34

If they had said NT person cannot understand how it feels to never fit in, I might have agreed. Although mixed race children will often say they feel this way.
ND isn't the only circumstance in which people can feel adrift.

Original poster
feelingCheatedd · 17/03/2021 20:50

I just feel guilty and I feel bad they ive done something wrong and something that has upset him.
I didn’t intend to lie or deceive it was just me trying to get through situations I felt uncomfortable in and to a point, to have a successful relationship and to be what I thought I should be as growing up having Autism wasn’t hidden but it definitely wasn’t something anyone admitted or spoke about and I just knew a lot of the time I needed to hide certain things about how I was and that carried on

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/03/2021 20:57

Going to counselling is really worth it. A safe space for you both to be honest and so how/if you can move forward together happily or not.

Stonecrop · 17/03/2021 21:07

OP I used to wear perfect eye makeup for all my dates with DP, but now I rarely even wear mascara. Its normal to show your best side in the first couple of years. Maybe do the masking when he next asks you too then take yourself off to bed for 24hrs afterwards so he gets the toll it’s really taking on you? I am not ND but have always had to be careful not to overdo it as I get exhausted easily too so understand that part of what you say .

chilling19 · 17/03/2021 21:08

The issue appears to be that to be your authentic self requires your OH to manage situations for you. Perhaps you can pick which situations you can manage (or mask), on the understanding that there can only be a certain number that you can cope with? This way he knows you are making an effort and you know that he has your back.

MerryDecembermas · 17/03/2021 21:08

It is so sad you didn't feel able to be yourself. I wonder if you were quite young when you met. Getting older has the advantage of giving fewer fucks about making other people comfortable by following social norms.

I think seek therapy for yourself. You deserve to be happy being yourself. DH may or may not accept the real you, but you can.

ParadiseIsland · 17/03/2021 21:09

@feelingCheatedd, I really don’t think you have done something wrong though.

From what you said, one part of the situation is that you are not masking anymore.

But the other part is that you have changed and got more self confident so NOW you are ready to say ‘actually no. This is who I am and I am not going to pretend anymore’.

So it’s not an issue that you have set out to hurt him or anything like this. You could well have not grown in confidence and still be masking a lot.

I agree with a PP about counselling.
It IS a big thing to change in a relationship because yes he will feel you are more dependent on him. Or rather you are more dependent when you are doing all the things HE enjoys but you are struggling with.
If you want that relationship to continue LT you will need to change your expectations. I think you will BOTH need to make some concessions. He might have to agree that you can’t always go out with him and spend the night with his friends. You might have to agree that SOME OF THE TIME, you will need to mask for an evening like you use to do. And he might need to accept that you will have more take away nights than restaurant nights.

FWIW I think when you have a young child, you tend to go down the route of take away and staying at home more than wo children so that d’ajustements could also well be part of adjusting to being parents too.

But the bottom line is that you will need to talk about it to find something that is working for both of you.

ParadiseIsland · 17/03/2021 21:15

I know I have proposed masking in some cases as a possibility myself.

But I think it’s worth noting that, for someone with ASD, masking is exhausting. It’s not just making a small effort like going to see the IL when you dont really get in with them or have little in common. It’s much much more than that.
I suspect it’s even harder to do when you are aware that there is another option available (vs thinking you have to mask all the time so that’s your lot type of thing).

@feelingCheatedd I’m wondering how much your DH knows about ASD and how it affects people in general and how it affects you as a person.
It took me a long time to get my head around that.

zzizzer · 17/03/2021 21:23

"He said if he'd known that things would be different" ... ah OP this sounds pretty huge.

How important is your marriage to you?

There's a horrible part of being autistic where we often do have to keep masking to some extent, to live as functional adults.

There's lots of stuff I absolutely hate that I grit my teeth through and suffer about afterwards or have to lie in a dark room to recover from.

But I think if I refused to ever do anything suddenly and refused to do basic things like ordering for myself, my (also autistic) husband would feel very stressed and lonely.

I'm not saying you just have to just mask 24/7 and deal with everything all the time forever - but if your relationship is important than maybe you need to reach some compromise?