Can't stop thinking about another man

[FloralGirl1]

Hi

First time I've posted on here but I don't know where else I can go.

I've been married for 6 years, together for 17. I'm in my late 30's.

My relationship was going swimmingly until 5 months after we got married, I met this other guy at work and established a 'connection'. We had a lot of things in common and he was extremely good looking. I had butterflies in his presence and my body would pump adrenaline around and make me as high as a kite. I felt like I could fly.

I never let this be known to anyone and put them to the back of my mind. Eventually, I acknowledged I had feelings for someone else, but very confused by these and gained a lot of weight and became more depressed. I didn't handle it very well and became defensive towards the other man, who hasn't been in my life for years now, I scared him off.

However, I still get these strong, powerful feelings for him and I can't shake them off. I keep idealising life without my husband, who is an amazing man but has his own issues. I can't help but think this is what it all boils down to, because sex is one of these issues that we've not been able to tackle.

After 5 years of thinking of another guy, I'm at the end of my tether. I'm scared of being without them though because I think I'd be empty.

I just don't know where I can turn or what to do. I feel like a lunatic!

In my experience, a crush like that represents all the things that are missing from your marriage. I wouldn't act on it, but think of it more like a recurrent dream that's trying to give you a strong message about your current situation.

The fact that you worry about life without your DH being "empty" suggests to me that perhaps you married rather too soon and there is some life-growing you need to do, on your own, and you instinctively know that.

Perhaps you need to stop "idealising life without him" and actually make the leap to find out what life without him would be like. Pretty sure it won't be empty. Probably full of surprises for you, including about his "issues".

Limerence, look it up.

@Alcemeg

In my experience, a crush like that represents all the things that are missing from your marriage. I wouldn't act on it, but think of it more like a recurrent dream that's trying to give you a strong message about your current situation.

The fact that you worry about life without your DH being "empty" suggests to me that perhaps you married rather too soon and there is some life-growing you need to do, on your own, and you instinctively know that.

Perhaps you need to stop "idealising life without him" and actually make the leap to find out what life without him would be like. Pretty sure it won't be empty. Probably full of surprises for you, including about his "issues".

This sounds like the right approach.

@autumnalrain

Limerence, look it up.

Awful thing to go through!

I think you'll be relieved to have scared the other man off op.

The feelings you describe sounds very much like limerence which can make you behave irrationally. It will pass eventually and you will look back and think WTF?

Isn’t limerence another word for infatuation? It’s part of the human bonding process re: prospective mates and includes intense sexual desire & obsessive fantasising.

@Sayamino

Isn’t limerence another word for infatuation? It’s part of the human bonding process re: prospective mates and includes intense sexual desire & obsessive fantasising.

It can last for years. If you're in the position where you can say a word about it or talk to the other person about it's absolute torture. Nothing makes it go away.

Sorry - Can't say a word..

As someone who was in a similar position and then acted on it, my advice is try and forget him. The fantasy probably wouldn't live up to the reality.

I very nearly deleted the message when I posted it, but I'm happy I did. I never knew limerence was a 'thing' and after reading up on it, I'm pretty sure that's what it is. I'm going to read up on it.

In my head, everything's cozy, lovey dovey & like a romance film. In reality, it's hard to manage.

He is my ex-manager who showed me a lot of attention. We'd sit and talk for ages about life etc. I was completely hooked.

It brought up holes in my marriage including the sex. I've not felt the same about my marriage since I met him. It feels like torture.

I was similar once. Had massive crush on someone for about 6 years. It got so bad I couldn't sleep!

I never told him, or acted on it.

Instead (and this took me years to get round to), I left my husband.

Which turned out to be what really needed to happen. In retrospect, I realised so much had been missing from my life with him. The intense crush just highlighted the most obvious things (notably sex).

The funny thing is that several years after my divorce, fate threw a few curveballs that ended up with me having to share a bed for one night with my crush (the first time I'd seen him in years)!!! I'd have killed for that experience earlier in my life. But by the time it happened, I'd lived and loved and laughed, and got so much out of my system, and become such a different person, that he was just a friend by then. We just slept peacefully next to each other.

The message you're getting strong and clear is that you're not fulfilled in your current relationship. This message is not going away. But don't expect your crush to provide the answers. He is just the messenger.

I'm going through the same thing at the moment, its good to get other peoples perspective on things. Its been about a year and I'm still in the "confused / sad / what does it all mean / don't know what the hell to do or where to turn" phase.

@booksnshopping

I'm going through the same thing at the moment, its good to get other peoples perspective on things. Its been about a year and I'm still in the "confused / sad / what does it all mean / don't know what the hell to do or where to turn" phase.

Are you in a relationship already @booksnshopping? If so, distance yourself from this person. The feeling will pass if you don't act on it.

I am yes. I've been with my partner for 15 years now and we have a daughter. A few weeks after she was born was the first time I found him texting other women, photos included. I got past it but even today, I struggle with trust and he still gives me reason to. He drinks, not heavily but his attitude changes towards me and he gets sarcastic and snappy and find myself treading on eggshells. My feelings for this guy came out of nowhere. We worked together but I don't see him anymore, he was only ever there temporary. We text on a rare occasion, just general chit chat but on occasions I've been a bit flirty and I've definitely made it obvious I like him. I've never had anything back off him though, only ever been me text first, he most of the time gives one word answers. My own thoughts is that I think he likes me but he's keeping his distance and respecting my relationship. To make matters worse I discovered hes a lot younger than me, like 15 years younger which was a big shock. I know the right thing to do is forget this guy and fix what I have but I'm finding it hard. I think about him all the time. I'm an overthinker, I have anxiety and I'm finding I'm worrying about how they might feel by my actions more than my own feelings. Please don't judge me, my partner hurt me with his actions and I feel like the biggest hypocrite already, I spend most days beating myself up and feeling like the worse person in the world towards both of them. I just wanna sort this out and feel happy again.

You say sex is one of the issues you haven’t tackled with your partner. Did you marry knowing your sexual connection was an issue?

For this to happen just 5 months (!) after marrying suggests you’ve “settled” for your husband but your hormones are screaming at you to have sex with someone you actually have chemistry with.

You have to decide what you want out of life, make that decision & stick to it.

You have been with your husband a long time and you are still young. Did you marry at a time when you should have actually split up? Had the relationship run its course? I wonder if sometimes this happens and people then marry hoping to reignite the relationship rather than accepting it is ending.
I feel very sorry for you, you are too young to be feeling so unfulfilled. Are you brave enough to have a serious conversation with your husband. How is he feeling?
You have a lot of life yet to live. I hope you are able to resolve this.

So you got together with you husband when you were - what? - 20?

Have you ever even been with anyone else?

I truly think your relationship with your husband has run its course and needs to be consigned to the dustbin of history.

This other chap is more than likely no go either. But it’s time to move on from husband.

You don’t mention kids, so I assume none.

Oh wow. I am entirely suffering with limerance, although I never had a word for it until now. I'm currently on my 4th obsessive crush, although this one has lasted the longest (about five years now). I have nearly crashed the car twice now fantasising about our fantasy life together. I only see him a few times a year and usually it dies down for a bit when I don't need to contact/see him and then properly ramps up as the time to see one another gets closer (I have to see him through work) . I look back on the other three now and just think 'what was I thinking', and sure I'll feel the same about this one eventually. Although I do have our wedding planned entirely and actually look up engagement rings/wedding dresses. I saw him for the first time in a year last week (bloody covid denying me my fix) and I've been obsessed this week. I need help 😂 (Side note: HE TEXT ME whilst I was writing this essay of a reply. The excitement!) (and I'm a married mother of two. I should not be behaving like this😂😭😍)

Think op your unhappy leave the relationship as to me it seems like it’s only going to worse for you

Op, I suspect marriage was the trigger for your feelings for OM. After being together for so long you might have subconsciously felt that with marriage you were now trapped.

I'm even more confused!

To give you all a bit of insight into what's happened, when I got together with my now DH, I was starved of physical intimacy for a long time and throughout our relationship, the actual physical content has been very difficult due to his issues. Let's just say I rely on foreplay etc and this is only every so often.

This was never an issue for me, I accepted it, I knew fine well what I was marrying into. That is until this guy came along and woke me up so to speak.

I have tried reinvesting this energy into you name it! I'm busy all the time and before C19 hit I was going out to dance classes etc. It's harder for me to do that these days, hence why maybe I just can't get this obsession out of my mind.

Now, this other guy is history in the physical sense but not in the emotional sense. I have never looked him up online, I have never pursued him and I respect that he has a life and we can never be together, so boundaries are there.

Until now, I've never even talked to anyone about it but it's getting too much.

I'm amazed there are people out there who feel the same and share my excitement/pain/gushy feelings. I can only describe it as bitter sweet. I want these feelings but then I don't. All very complex!

And no children. Another sore point. He doesn't want them and I thought I didn't either - until you know who! :(

@autumnalrain

Limerence, look it up.

This 👍

I've experienced limerence just the once, from 17 to 25ish (with a 2 year break in the middle when I fell in love with my ex). Very difficult thing to go through and was much easier for me to move on when I discovered the term limerence and understood it was a 'thing', until then I had been convinced this person was my soul mate! Not someone I saw often and he had (and still has) a partner. My sister has recently experienced it for the first (hopefully last) time also, so it's been a much discussed topic for me recently! I'd definitely recommend doing a bunch of research about it, that really helped for me

I think the only trouble with labelling it as "limerence" is that it pathologises you and neutralises the need to do anything about a strong impulse.

It means accepting that you are completely irrational and that there are absolutely no reasons whatsoever for being attracted in another direction than your husband.

I'd call this "sweeping under the carpet", but of course it depends. Only you know what's going on for you in your life.

The only caution I'd give is that you might not be aware of just how bad things are for you, because we get used to things and they become our daily normality. Especially if no one is actually hitting, shouting, etc.

Loneliness is sometimes hard to recognise and easy to dismiss.