Can't stop thinking about another man

[FloralGirl1]

Hi

First time I've posted on here but I don't know where else I can go.

I've been married for 6 years, together for 17. I'm in my late 30's.

My relationship was going swimmingly until 5 months after we got married, I met this other guy at work and established a 'connection'. We had a lot of things in common and he was extremely good looking. I had butterflies in his presence and my body would pump adrenaline around and make me as high as a kite. I felt like I could fly.

I never let this be known to anyone and put them to the back of my mind. Eventually, I acknowledged I had feelings for someone else, but very confused by these and gained a lot of weight and became more depressed. I didn't handle it very well and became defensive towards the other man, who hasn't been in my life for years now, I scared him off.

However, I still get these strong, powerful feelings for him and I can't shake them off. I keep idealising life without my husband, who is an amazing man but has his own issues. I can't help but think this is what it all boils down to, because sex is one of these issues that we've not been able to tackle.

After 5 years of thinking of another guy, I'm at the end of my tether. I'm scared of being without them though because I think I'd be empty.

I just don't know where I can turn or what to do. I feel like a lunatic!

Limerence

I have a different view of things, as I am a bit of a fantasist in general. The crush's I have feed into a long narrative I have going in my head, a soap opera featuring me, if you will. I'm aware that it's mental to constantly imagine various situations where I have a husband, wife, kids with someone I've never spoken more than two sentences to but there it is.
Me: hello
Him: hello
Me: what are you eating?
Him: it's leftover cottage pie
Little does he know in my head we are planning how to tell your parents in Ireland about the baby. We go over there, there's a family party, you get too drunk, I carry you home. Everyone comments on how good looking the baby is. Takes after his dad etc.
If I told anyone this in RL...

Thank god my crushes are actors my dh knows about them and we laugh but god I ache sometimes for bit of sex but we have health issues and love each other very much.

Hey!

I’m not sure if this helps but I was in a relationship with a lovely man for 5 years. I spent about a year lusting over another guy and I just couldn’t shake it off.

We ended up splitting up and a year on, I haven’t been in contact with either my ex or the other guy. It turns out it wasn’t even about the other guy and I wasn’t that into the other guy after all, but it hasmade me realise all the issues that I had with my ex.
So it sounds as if it’s a sign you may be unsatisfied in your current relationship and either work on these or decide if you want to leave xx

I don't understand why you married your DH and why you're apparently determined to stay with him. It sounds like you have sacrificed huge amounts of your own hopes, dreams and desires for him. Why? What's the point? You are so young still.

Are you really going to throw away the next 30 years because you're too embarassed to admit you made a mistake? Rip the plaster off and divorce him. Start over. Have some good sex for chrissakes! Be yourself for a while.

I agree with PPs saying you should seriously consider ending your marriage. Not least because of one thing you said, that he doesn’t want children and this is a sore point. This is something you really need to think about, otherwise the ‘sore point’ might turn into a huge resentment once you’ve gone past the point where you can do something about it.

Especially as it doesn’t sound as if you’re happy in the relationship in other ways either.

This is me 101% right now.
Its been pretty full on since September. Today has been pretty miserable because this other person has been in my head all day . Im reading a book at the moment called 'obsessive love' to try and help me rationalise how I'm feeling but tbh, it's not helping.

Ive been married about 15 years and we have young kids together and whilst my DH is generally a good man, we are more like best friends lately and our sex life is literally non existant. Aside from that, DH also has and has had a lot of issues and there just isn't any excitement there anymore.

I miss the feeling of butterflies and the passion.

I saw an older couple in the Park the other day and you could see how in love they were. He was cupping her face and kissing her and I kept thinking how much I wanted that too.... but I was thinking about the person I have a crush over, not my dh.

I know the situation is ridiculous. For so many reasons, I know nothing would ever come of it. I say I wouldn't act on my feeling but I say that because I don't think I'd ever be in a position to.. if it were a reality, I'm not sure I could say the same thing.

I thought I'd got over it recently as I hadn't seen him for a while, but then saw him by chance when in town. He was just looking at me (this has happened a few times) and I caught his eye (again, this happens a lot) and although we didn't speak (I quickly walked away to not give myself a chance to say something), it's brought it all back with a vengeance.

Its not fun feeling this way. Today, I just want to cry.

Thanks for this thread, although I am sorry that posters and OP are feeling anguished.

What I've been wondering is, what's the difference between fancying someone (which has an element of fantasy, surely) and limerance.

Is it like a sliding scale with fancying someone at one end and either love addiction or obsessed/stalking at the other?

I fancy someone, I think of him most days and have given him my number as we do talk and I felt some kind of spark. I do fantasise about him and what it could be like if he reciprocates, but I also get on with my day. I am recently out of my marriage so I'm aware I could be projecting on to him a bit. I'm not dating or looking at the moment, but he's come into my life and I like him.

I'm now questioning if this is limerance and whether everyone I've fancied in the past have been limerance or just fancying/crushes!

@Oohhwhattodo limerance feels like its taking over your life. With a crush, you acknowledge you fancy someone and maybe fantasise about them but limerance is all that but on steroids..

It will control your thoughts and emotions. It can become obsessive or stalkerish in a way that is not healthy. I fantasised about my crush so much that the lines between fantasy and reality were becoming blurred. I've never acted on it but people have done and it can be disastrous.

It can get you feeling super happy one minute with feelings of despair and anguish the next and this can go on for years.

I saw 'him' in town a few weeks ago and now everytime I pass the spot where I saw him, my heart skips a beat and I'm aware that I am looking for him. Its not even a sexual thing.

It feels like being deeply in love but with someone and a situation you just can't have..... and none of it is really real anyway.

Thank you, that makes sense. I think I'm in crush/fancy territory.

I expect lockdown doesn't help, more time to think and ruminate over things.