Page 2 | Can't stop thinking about another man

FloralGirl1 · 2021-03-17T15:20:38+00:00

Hi First time I've posted on here but I don't know where else I can go. I've been married for 6 years, together for 17. I'm in my late 30's. My relationship was going swimmingly until 5 months after we got married, I met this other guy at work and established a 'connection'. We had a lot of things in common and he was extremely good looking. I had butterflies in his presence and my body would pump adrenaline around and make me as high as a kite. I felt like I could fly. I never let this be known to anyone and put them to the back of my mind. Eventually, I acknowledged I had feelings for someone else, but very confused by these and gained a lot of weight and became more depressed. I didn't handle it very well and became defensive towards the other man, who hasn't been in my life for years now, I scared him off. However, I still get these strong, powerful feelings for him and I can't shake them off. I keep idealising life without my husband, who is an amazing man but has his own issues. I can't help but think this is what it all boils down to, because sex is one of these issues that we've not been able to tackle. After 5 years of thinking of another guy, I'm at the end of my tether. I'm scared of being without them though because I think I'd be empty. I just don't know where I can turn or what to do. I feel like a lunatic!

Alcemeg · 18/03/2021 09:48

^ easy to dismiss as something else, I mean. Like romantic foolishness, etc etc.

Original poster

FloralGirl1 · 18/03/2021 10:20

I have really tried to hone in on these feelings. I get what I'd describe as head mist, a pumping heart, a gushy feeling in my chest and sexual tension. I've read up on limerence and apparently it produces all these addictive hormones and creates natural highs. No wonder I'm finding it hard to shift! 5 years in and I'm still going strong.

The only thing I would add is that at first it was two-sided. He charmed the socks of me, and it was someone else who mentioned to me that 'if we were single I bet he'd like you as his girlfriend'. Limerence I sounds like it's when it's one-sided. However what was chemistry is limerence.

Do you think a counsellor could help me with this? I feel foolish asking for help, like I'd be seen as some love-sick teen.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/03/2021 11:32

@booksnshopping

I've definitely made it obvious I like him. I've never had anything back off him though, only ever been me text first, he most of the time gives one word answers. My own thoughts is that I think he likes me but he's keeping his distance and respecting my relationship.

I know this isn't your thread but you need to recognise this man's actions for what they most likely are. Never instigating contact and one word answers suggest he replies out of courtesy not anything else. It's worrying you're projecting a narrative onto this dynamic that is hugely unlikely based on your communication with him. Please do think about counselling about this rather than just beating yourself up as doing that isn't changing anything, you're just perpetuating the narrative that he feels how you do and is just resisting acting on it for noble reasons. No initiating contact and one word answers means that is likely not the case at all. You won't get happier if you keep doing the same thing that makes you sad

booksnshopping · 18/03/2021 11:46

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@booksnshopping

I've definitely made it obvious I like him. I've never had anything back off him though, only ever been me text first, he most of the time gives one word answers. My own thoughts is that I think he likes me but he's keeping his distance and respecting my relationship.

I know this isn't your thread but you need to recognise this man's actions for what they most likely are. Never instigating contact and one word answers suggest he replies out of courtesy not anything else. It's worrying you're projecting a narrative onto this dynamic that is hugely unlikely based on your communication with him. Please do think about counselling about this rather than just beating yourself up as doing that isn't changing anything, you're just perpetuating the narrative that he feels how you do and is just resisting acting on it for noble reasons. No initiating contact and one word answers means that is likely not the case at all. You won't get happier if you keep doing the same thing that makes you sad [/quote]
Thank you for your input. I have had some signals from him that make me think otherwise. The effort ratio is probably 80/20. But regardless of what's gone on and been said, I know the right thing to do is let him go. Its just doing it.

Original poster

FloralGirl1 · 18/03/2021 11:58

@booksnshopping

I really feel for you. There were signs and signals at first, we had what someone described as a 'frisson' but after that, I gained weight and became withdrawn then it scared him off. I had to leave my job in the end because he was my manager and did all he could to avoid me, and me him. He didn't even show up on my last day.

I dream of having back what we did but it's just never going to happen. Are you in a position where you could cut him off it you wanted to?

OP posts:

booksnshopping · 18/03/2021 12:13

[quote FloralGirl1]@booksnshopping

I really feel for you. There were signs and signals at first, we had what someone described as a 'frisson' but after that, I gained weight and became withdrawn then it scared him off. I had to leave my job in the end because he was my manager and did all he could to avoid me, and me him. He didn't even show up on my last day.

I dream of having back what we did but it's just never going to happen. Are you in a position where you could cut him off it you wanted to?[/quote]
I'm sorry to have bombarded your thread but like you, its starting to feel like its getting too much. I'm new to this posting thing too and just wanted someone to talk to. We live locally, are friends on Facebook and there is a chance through work that I may bump into him again some day. He said to me once that age wouldn't be an issue for him if you meet the right person, we were talking hypothetically, not about me specifically, I bumped into him on a night out and he asked me to go for a drink but I never did, we were both already very intoxicated. And I lost a family member the other week and he sent me a message asking if I was ok which I thought was very sweet. There is a chance that I can cut him off for now and hope I get over it all before I see him some time down the line. After reading more posts on this thread and reading up on Limerence, I still sort of don't know how to work out what it is I'm feeling but I know I need to make steps to sort myself out. Me and my partner have had our issues long before this guy came along into my world but the reason why we can't fix things could very well be because my head is all cloudy with these thoughts.

Dontwanttooutmyself · 18/03/2021 12:17

Oh my goodness, this is so 100% me. My "crush" started when i was going through repeated miscarriages, and I am sure that the two were related. I can go for a year without seeing him, and then when I do, I have another month being unable to sleep.

I'm fully aware this is sympotmatic of an unhappy rel'p and that i can idealise the (theoretical) rel'p with the crush, but it doesn't help that I know at one point it was reciprocated.

I'm now off to research Limerance and see if there is a cure.

Original poster

FloralGirl1 · 18/03/2021 12:42

@Dontwanttooutmyself

I am so sorry to hear about your losses. I can understand why you feel the way that you do, especially when feelings and behaviours were returned, as they were in my case.

I'm going to try and get some proper advice about limerence and see if I can make changes before I do something I may later regret, like leave my DH.

OP posts:

hullabaloo19 · 18/03/2021 15:13

The person in my case also returned attraction to some degree. He was fairly flirty with me and then after a year or so (I'd stopped spending any time with him at this point), bumped into eachother on a night out and ended up getting a bit physical but I stopped it (I couldn't allow myself to be responsible for fucking up someone else's relationship). So no, not always one sided

hullabaloo19 · 18/03/2021 15:24

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@booksnshopping

I've definitely made it obvious I like him. I've never had anything back off him though, only ever been me text first, he most of the time gives one word answers. My own thoughts is that I think he likes me but he's keeping his distance and respecting my relationship.

I know this isn't your thread but you need to recognise this man's actions for what they most likely are. Never instigating contact and one word answers suggest he replies out of courtesy not anything else. It's worrying you're projecting a narrative onto this dynamic that is hugely unlikely based on your communication with him. Please do think about counselling about this rather than just beating yourself up as doing that isn't changing anything, you're just perpetuating the narrative that he feels how you do and is just resisting acting on it for noble reasons. No initiating contact and one word answers means that is likely not the case at all. You won't get happier if you keep doing the same thing that makes you sad [/quote]
Limerence is not rational, and a lot of it is trying to make stuff fit into this narrative you've created, and make it supporting evidence that this person also feels something for you

Shaz786o · 18/03/2021 15:54

It's a fantasy. An escape. The reality will not match up to what are you are projecting on to the man.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/03/2021 16:08

@hullabaloo19

Limerence is not rational, and a lot of it is trying to make stuff fit into this narrative you've created, and make it supporting evidence that this person also feels something for you

Yes definitely, I think youve said what I meant more concisely! That's why I think it's worth some counselling if it's taking up so much of that poster's headspace. Obsessive thoughts about anything else would be considered worth exploring with a professional to try and manage / find coping mechanisms. I think sometimes the limerence label is applied and then used (unintentionally) to make it sound like something hopeless that cannot be controlled. But like any obsessive behaviour, coping techniques are always worth exploring.

ILoveAnOwl · 18/03/2021 17:19

So how do you tell the difference between someone you have genuinely fallen in love with versus its just limerance abd not real?

ILoveAnOwl · 18/03/2021 17:27

So what I don't understand with limerance is how you tell the difference between an extreme crush and actually having met the love of your life?

ILoveAnOwl · 18/03/2021 17:28

And how do you post the same thing twice on Mumsnet without remembering that you literally posted the same thing 8 minutes ago? Seems my problems are greater than limerance alone 😂

Queenofcosy · 18/03/2021 17:29

I think I’m going through Limerence too. My DH is a lovely man but he treated me badly in our early relationship. And then recently he’s minimised my emotions and made me feel stupid and ridiculous.

Then out of nowhere this new man came along and seemed to love me just the way I am.

We’re both married and haven’t acted on it. But it has been so bad that I can’t sleep at times. I see him everyday but thankfully we don’t work together....

I’m finding it so hard. So hard to keep loving my husband. Mr Limerence is an absolute pillock at times and the reality is that I would HATE to be in a relationship with him.

Plus, I don’t even find him attractive!

Limerence is proper evil. Isn’t it?

Sending love to anyone going through it x

Original poster

FloralGirl1 · 18/03/2021 17:37

@ILoveAnOwl

I just don't know!

In my case, both my DH and this guy are the same age, both have the same profession, same chivalrous attitude. But I know other guys like that and they don't have the same effect.

This guy just has more personality about him. He shares some of the same interests as me. It also doesn't help that he's good looking. Oh and there were the compliments as well.

It's quite possible that where the limerence comes into it is the sex, it's a very lustful, powerful feeling. He made me feel more of a woman than my own DH did. But there was the commonground too which just adds extra on top.

Purgatory!

OP posts:

Shaz786o · 18/03/2021 19:07

Well it’s easy to put on a good show and be charming. Don’t be a fool.

Ruminating2020 · 18/03/2021 20:27

The limerent object really isn't better than your dh. Do not idealise them or imagine a future with them, because there isn't one.

Dontwanttooutmyself · 25/03/2021 17:17

@autumnalrain

Limerence, look it up.

I just wanted to say thank you @autumnalrain. I think you've saved my sanity. I've been suffering from what I now know is Limerance for years, and just knowing that its a thing has hugely helped and I finally feel like I'm moving on from my limerant object.

@hullabaloo19 what techniques did you/ your DS find most helpful? I'm trying negative associations, and i think it's working... I didn't feel the need to contact the LO this week (there was a really strong reason to do so) as I just remembered that he's actually a shit friend, and he doesn't actually give a shit about me. Such a relief.

fandabbydoozy · 25/03/2021 22:45

I am going through this too. Haven't heard from crush for 6 weeks now and very hard to resist instigating the text communication. I am trying to wean myself off but finding it hard. I think our friendship is fading and that makes me sad and I've been trying to cling on and keep it going because the thought of not having him in my life is hard to think of.

hullabaloo19 · 28/03/2021 19:16

@Dontwanttooutmyself sorry it's taken me a while to respond. I was pretty young when my limerence started and I didn't know that it was limerence until I was about 24. I barely had any contact with my lo for the majority of that time. I think between the ages of 19 and 25 I saw him maybe 3 times? So for me, not having that contact to keep it going was I think what eventually helped lead to its end (though still many years considering the lack of contact!). I think whatever strategies help you to have a more realistic picture of the lo and your relationship with them is great

catsareme14 · 28/03/2021 19:26

I'm ten years in with a crush , horrific.

Dontwanttooutmyself · 07/04/2021 14:51

@catsareme14 - i'm sorry to hear that. It's tough (I'm 8 years in). Having said that, the negative associations really do seem to be working. (Everytime you think of the person, instead of dreaming about sunset beaches, cocktails and hot hanky panky, think instead of the sand in your arse, getting so drunk you throw up, and the sex being over in 4 seconds.) It feels false at first, but it's re-wiring your brain to stop associating the person with lovely feelings. That feeling of happiness is just because you have got used to dreaming of the person - it's not genuine. You have no idea whether the person would actually bring you the happiness you imagine, so you can just as well train your brain to think of them bringing you misery.

5128gap · 07/04/2021 16:16

@ILoveAnOwl

So how do you tell the difference between someone you have genuinely fallen in love with versus its just limerance abd not real?

I think you fall in love when you know a person and the things you love are their real life actions, behaviours, attitudes, values and so on. With limerace you don't tend to know the person well enough for the above, and tend to project onto them qualities you want to see. So you imagine how they would react or what situations would be like with them, but it's not based on real experience, just what you think it would be like. Limerace is falling in love with your own creation.