Partner moving in - how to combine/share finances?

[TravellingJack]

Long-term DP is moving in and I need to work out what he needs to contribute towards bills. At the moment, the mortgage and every single bill is in my name.

How do I determine what a fair/reasonable contribution is? DP does the occasional top-up food shop, but I do all the big ones (because it was mainly me and DS), so he will have to start contributing a bit more there but that's easily solved by getting him to do the shop himself!

Do I simply add up and divide all bills by 2? Or by 3 (i.e. me paying for DS as if he were an equal)? What about council tax - I'm currently paying 75% so that will increase to the full amount - should he pay only the extra, or half of the full bill?

And what about the mortgage - by far the biggest 'bill'? I don't want to complicate the ownership in case things go pear-shaped, but I do feel he would be paying rent on top of bills elsewhere, so should be contributing something here... so what is fair to ask for?

For background - I'm separated and DS is here approx 70% of the time. Having been through one acrimonious split-up with issues around finances, I'm very cautious about jumping in and just sharing everything. I earn double what DP makes and that's unlikely to change at the moment so I don't need the money from him, but he would be paying rent and bills if he lived elsewhere (as he is just now) and I do want to ensure that my assets are protected, but also ensure that DP isn't inadvertently taking the piss by me paying for everything. I equally don't want to take the piss out of him by asking him to contribute say half of everything, thus contributing to a mortgage he isn't on and paying for a child that isn't his (ExH pays a reasonable amount of CM).

Last and perhaps most important - I'm pregnant (only 2mo so that might change) and need to plan finances for maternity leave/childcare etc. I'm already saving but DP isn't - nor is he contributing other than top-up food shops for when he stays here.

So what is a fair way to work out what he should contribute? Please help!

50/50ish surely?

Provided he works full time.

Of course you pay any bills/treats related to your current kid.

I'd probably calculate all my outgoings, work out half and just have him give me cash each month. Adjusting as you go.

Keep him off the mortgage. Best you retain the home entirely in your name.

I moved in with my DP last year- there are no kids involved but he owns his house.

I pay half the mortgage and bills, and we had a document drawn up that basically says if we split I don't get to claim any of the property (but I do get back any money I've put in as I've been contributing to the mortgage). Since I've lived here we've had some work done on the house, he has paid for that as it felt weird for me to contribute, and he's only been able to save as quickly because his mortgage and bills have been halved due to me paying towards them so it sort of balances out. Food and stuff we split 50/50- we both use Monzo and there is a terrific tab feature on there so anything either one of us buys goes on the tab and it automatically splits it between us, it's great.

Mumsnet will often say that you shouldn't take any contribution to your mortgage as that can be messy but I wouldn't feel comfortable if I wasn't contributing anything.

Since he earns half as much as you I would split the expenses more like 70-30 or 60-40. Otherwise you will end up with a lot more spare cash than him which will be difficult in the long term.

For the mortgage, I think the fairest way is to pay the capital repayment yourself and then split the interest portion with your DP. I also probably wouldn’t expect him to contribute to home improvements/renovations since it’s not his house.

If your monthly bills amount to less than rent + bills he'd pay alone, I'd have him cover those and you keep paying the mortgage and other house ownership costs. Otherwise I suggest the contract that another poster mentioned and split the bills 50/50 or at least proportional to your income, as you did say you earn more.

Regarding food and household - I'd split it 3 ways since I guess it would make sense for you do cover your DS.

Easiest option might be a shared bank account ONLY for your household expenses. On payday you both transfer your respective agreed shares towards bills, house and food and then you use that card to pay groceries, household bills, etc. More transparent and easier to track.

I don't think it would be fair to you cover most of the groceries if he's living there full time and eating as if he was living by himself, if that makes sense? Get an idea of what a 'full household' shop would be each week, and use that to calculate how much you vs. him should be paying towards it.

You need to have some sort of document done to clearly state that he is only a tenant and any money paid by him is strictly rent to you, and he has no claim on your home. You need to speak to a solicitor. Do not put your future at risk by failing to do this.

You also need to make sure he is paying his fair share of everything. Don't allow a cocklodger situation to arise.

When I moved in with now DH, I paid similar to what I would have paid if I was renting a room from him. It was less than I was paying to rent a flat so it suited us both. Over time, as it became clear we were going to last things gradually became shared.

Be sure to have an agreement for cooking and cleaning so you don't end up doing everything.

Right OP, I'll probably get ignored but I'll come on to say all the things I always say on threads like this - it doesn't matter what you paid BEFORE. I see this ALL the time on here. eg council tax - "I'll have to pay 100% now but should DP just pay the extra 25% and I continue to pay the 75 because I was paying that anyway?" And the answer is of course not. You're both supposed to benefit from him moving in and if the only one who benefits financially is him then why is this even a thing you want to do?

If he earns significantly less than you then absolutely, you may choose to split bills proportionately eg 1/3 him and 2/3 you. If you have your DS you could add a small premium for that, but I'm not convinced that a young DS uses substantially more but fair enough, you can and should be more responsible. So perhaps you guys go for a 70/30 split.

As for the mortgage, first, absolutely ensure you get legal advice so that he's a tenant NOT contributing to the mortgage. But then OF COURSE HE MUST PAY. He would pay rent elsewhere, so why on earth would he not pay rent to you? Again, absolutely feel free to make it discounted - after all, often a benefit of moving in with someone is that the cost per person is reduced - but that doesn't mean that he doesn't pay. So if he would have paid £500 and your mortgage is £800, he could pay you £350, he'd still be saving massively and you'd get a contribution towards your mortgage. Also, assuming that he's not a part owner of the house, you'd also have to meet any costs of repairs/upgrades to the house but it's getting more use now so you definitely need that contribution to help save to pay for anything like that.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not fall into this trap where your bills remain exactly the same but he is suddenly spending 80% less. PLEASE.

oh, and to be clear, i'm talking about ALL bills except mortgage/house insurance. That's council tax, food, gas, water, electricity etc etc etc.

On other threads posters seem to think that the person moving in should live rent-free. I really disagree with that.

What was his previous home like and how much did he pay? He could perhaps pay a proportion of his rent to you (minimum 50%) so that he saves money and you save money. However, that money he gives you should be saved separately, not in a joint account.

I'd say half the bills is mandatory - certainly the council tax! Why should he just pay the difference, when he was paying for it himself?

Does you have child allowance from his dad? I would put half of that into the joint account, if so, and keep the rest for clothing etc.

If you get a joint account, just put your shares and his into it, don't put all of your wages in.

Exactly what @BlingLoving says, but I wouldn't do a 70:30 split at all. He's been paying bills in his old place, hasn't he? If he moved in with anyone else he'd pay half.

If you want to treat him, you can pay for a holiday or for meals out. Asking him for 30% of the bills is crazy - it's not treating him as an adult and as an equal. If he wants a certain lifestyle he has to pay for it, just as you do.

OP,

Take the advice of above but how long are you with him.

He sounds tight already and moving into your home is going to be hugely advantageous for him.

You have been paying for most things for all of your relationship and now you are pregnant????

Was this planned or a happy accident for him to move into your house.

Is this really what you want.

You have all the assets and are making financial plans whilst he lives off you and saves nothing.

It sounds as if you are about to walk into a shit show.

Why would you do this?
Why would you want a child with a man who doesn't pay his way?
Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is living off you?

So you have assets, a job, a home, one child, and you are going to carry another child, probably do all the housework and hold down that FT job forever, because he certainly isn't going to step up.

OP, I mean this very kindly, but you clearly have NOT thought this through and are very likely to be about to bring untold stress on yourself and your son, all for some man that is tight and workshy.

Why i God's name would you do this?

I think he needs to pay you rent and you keep everything in your name. Let’s say your total outgoings on the home is £1000, perhaps he could pay £400 a month. I would then have a joint account that you use for ‘household spends’, shopping, meals out, cinema when you go together, etc. As you have a child maybe that could be £600 you a month, £3-400 him (I’m assuming you don’t spend this much but as an example). You would pay for holidays out of this account. When you take your son out on your own or go for lunch with friends you use your own money. This is what we did when my dh moved in to my home. It worked well until we got married and now split everything. You pay for repairs and improvements to the home.

Also, if you're having a baby with this man, you both need to decide how the bills will work while you're not working. Are you getting SMP or does your employer top it up? Because if it's SMP, he's going to have to contribute significantly more.

He's been paying bills in his old place, hasn't he? If he moved in with anyone else he'd pay half.

I think that's a little less clear - when DH and I first moved in together I earned almost 3x what he did so he paid 1/3 of bills and I paid 2/3. Over time, we merged all finances anyway and it became irrelevant. Many of my female friends, who earned less than their DPs, did the same but with them paying the lower amount. So I don't think it's odd to do a proportional split when you are first together. But obviously, if you're having a baby together, then that might change things.

How are you planning co—parenting your baby? Childcare/working arrangements as well as financial arrangements during your maternity leave? Do you see this as a long term relationship? If not, why the baby? If so, why not get married?

The baby really does change everything.

@HollowTalk

Exactly what *@BlingLoving* says, but I wouldn't do a 70:30 split at all. He's been paying bills in his old place, hasn't he? If he moved in with anyone else he'd pay half.

If you want to treat him, you can pay for a holiday or for meals out. Asking him for 30% of the bills is crazy - it's not treating him as an adult and as an equal. If he wants a certain lifestyle he has to pay for it, just as you do.

It should be in proportion with earnings. Lower earning women are (rightly) told this all the time. No different for a man.

What's the plan re maternity leave / childcare afterwards? That is crucial to agree ASAP.

I think you need a really clear 5 year plan in order to do this seriously.

An agreement needs to be in place that is fair for all parties. And fair means neither of you lose out financially by moving in together.

It should be in proportion with earnings. Lower earning women are (rightly) told this all the time. No different for a man

That’s certainly the mantra on here when the woman is the lower earner. She’s told they should contribute proportionally and have equal spends. Interesting to see the replies when she’s the higher earner!

Should be proportionate. I wouldn’t want the man I love to be living in relative poverty with much less spending money if for example I earned 40k and him 20k yet we were splitting it 50/50.

This all sounds like a huge rush though, moving him in and pregnant already before you’ve even had chance to see if living together works, how your son adjusts, whether he copes with suddenly living with a child. You don’t really know someone until you’ve lived together but you’ve already tied the two of you together with a baby. Was baby planned? I’d be very concerned.

What @roastpotatoesss said is a good idea. You do need to protect your house but he can't expect to live rent free. So I'd say 50/50 on everything but with a clause that means he has no financial gain on your home, but you also pay back any monies he pays towards the mortgage should you split

Agree on 50:50 all bills plus rent as if he's renting a room.

Then, regardless of whether he's moved in or not:

Costs of things for the baby need to be split 50:50. Including childcare.

You also need to be discussing how money will work when you are on mat leave/afterwards if you don't go back full time.

What financial arrangements are being made in case of death or serious illness? Have you made wills?

You need to sit down together and have a frank conversation about values and behaviour around finances. You are a higher earner and more financially secure (so it seems) but you already have a DS and you are pregnant.

He may be used to pleasing himself with his disposable income. That changes once a baby is on the way. Does he realise that?

What are your expectations re mat leave, returning to work and childcare? Does he understand and agree?

Although he will be saving money by moving into your house he will also be very vulnerable as you could turf him out at a moment's notice and theoretically he could find himself homeless. From his perspective he should have the equivalent of a deposit and six months rent in accessible savings if the shit hits the fan.

Have you discussed what would happen if either of you lost your jobs or became unable to work through illness or disability? Do you have life insurance? Pensions?

So, loads to sort through before even touching dividing up living expenses.

I’d get him to save an agreed amount so he has a nest egg should it go pear shaped as he will have no financial interest in your house so he needs a backup plan.

The rest of the bills I would say 70/30 given there are two of you and one of him and then 60/40 when the baby comes along.

@Purplewithred

How are you planning co—parenting your baby? Childcare/working arrangements as well as financial arrangements during your maternity leave? Do you see this as a long term relationship? If not, why the baby? If so, why not get married?

The baby really does change everything.

Exactly this. It was a bit strange that the baby was the last thing you mentioned when it really changes the whole situation (Congrats by the way!) And no mention if there are marriage plans considering you've known each other for a long time and are having a baby together who will be a permanent link between the two of you?

£500 per month and half the food.
Half any childcare fees.