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Original poster

Partner moving in - how to combine/share finances?

53 replies

TravellingJack · 17/03/2021 10:15

Long-term DP is moving in and I need to work out what he needs to contribute towards bills. At the moment, the mortgage and every single bill is in my name.

How do I determine what a fair/reasonable contribution is? DP does the occasional top-up food shop, but I do all the big ones (because it was mainly me and DS), so he will have to start contributing a bit more there but that's easily solved by getting him to do the shop himself!

Do I simply add up and divide all bills by 2? Or by 3 (i.e. me paying for DS as if he were an equal)? What about council tax - I'm currently paying 75% so that will increase to the full amount - should he pay only the extra, or half of the full bill?

And what about the mortgage - by far the biggest 'bill'? I don't want to complicate the ownership in case things go pear-shaped, but I do feel he would be paying rent on top of bills elsewhere, so should be contributing something here... so what is fair to ask for?

For background - I'm separated and DS is here approx 70% of the time. Having been through one acrimonious split-up with issues around finances, I'm very cautious about jumping in and just sharing everything. I earn double what DP makes and that's unlikely to change at the moment so I don't need the money from him, but he would be paying rent and bills if he lived elsewhere (as he is just now) and I do want to ensure that my assets are protected, but also ensure that DP isn't inadvertently taking the piss by me paying for everything. I equally don't want to take the piss out of him by asking him to contribute say half of everything, thus contributing to a mortgage he isn't on and paying for a child that isn't his (ExH pays a reasonable amount of CM).

Last and perhaps most important - I'm pregnant (only 2mo so that might change) and need to plan finances for maternity leave/childcare etc. I'm already saving but DP isn't - nor is he contributing other than top-up food shops for when he stays here.

So what is a fair way to work out what he should contribute? Please help!

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 17/03/2021 18:16

I'm already saving but DP isn't-nor is he contributing other than top-up food shops for when he stays here

Are those red flags I see waving?

You are letting a man with no savings who earns a much lower salary than you, who only pays for top up shops move into your house. Be very careful.

Blendiful · 17/03/2021 19:35

I am in a similar situation and initially he paid 50% of all bills but 0 to mortgage as I wanted to keep this alone.

He does now pay 50% of mortgage and contributes to house costs such as decorating, materials etc, but we are 2 yrs into living together now. Tbh we haven’t really properly discussed but should really about what would happen if we separated. I’m seeing it a bit like you. It’s like £250 a month so much less than he would pay to rent somewhere. And house is in my name only and that won’t change. Plus I already lived here 5 years previous.

I think if he left I would probably give him some money but I wouldn’t be giving him equity, but more just a portion of what he had put in maybe.

SarahBellam · 17/03/2021 21:59

I’d ask him to contribute a third of the full cost - add it all up and divide by 3 - your 2/3 covers you and your son. That way it’s proportional to your salaries and your actual living costs. He’s probably still getting a sweet deal.

billy1966 · 17/03/2021 22:01

@Howshouldibehave

I'm already saving but DP isn't-nor is he contributing other than top-up food shops for when he stays here

Are those red flags I see waving?

You are letting a man with no savings who earns a much lower salary than you, who only pays for top up shops move into your house. Be very careful.

This ....with dozens and dozens of flags waving🙄🤦‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️
DorisLessingsCat · 18/03/2021 07:00

You are letting a man with no savings who earns a much lower salary than you, who only pays for top up shops move into your house. Be very careful.

This is a tad sexist. If the sexes were reversed and a pregnant woman was going to move in with her wealthier boyfriend no one would be saying to him "be careful".

We have scant information on the partner. OP is only 8 weeks so presumably he's only known he's going to be a father for 6 weeks. OP hasn't addressed finances in any meaningful way yet so we don't know his reaction.

Howshouldibehave · 18/03/2021 07:07

This is a tad sexist. If the sexes were reversed and a pregnant woman was going to move in with her wealthier boyfriend no one would be saying to him "be careful"

If he was my friend who asked for advice on the matter, I absolutely would be telling him to be careful.

SimonJT · 18/03/2021 07:15

My partner lives with me and my son, he pays 1/3 of utilties and the foodshop, he pays 1/2 of the council tax as that is based on number of adults not number of people.

Why should he pay for more than topup shopping when he doesn’t even live there? How many posters paid their partners electric bill etc when they didn’t live with them?

Imagine the thread “I don’t live with my partner but they want me to pay for electric, gas and rent” yeah I’m sure posters would be telling them to pay up Hmm

SimonJT · 18/03/2021 07:16

@Howshouldibehave

I'm already saving but DP isn't-nor is he contributing other than top-up food shops for when he stays here

Are those red flags I see waving?

You are letting a man with no savings who earns a much lower salary than you, who only pays for top up shops move into your house. Be very careful.

If you have a partner what did you pay for their gas, electric, rent/mortgage etc before you actually moved in with them?
CateTown · 18/03/2021 07:20

Has he got, or could he save for, a deposit that he could get a buy to let mortgage with? He could rent that out to give him some security. He's in a vulnerable position, starting a family with a woman to whom he's not married. It's unfair to ask him to contribute to a house that he would have no claim on should you split.

nearlynermal · 18/03/2021 07:31

OP in your position I'd make 100% sure to ring fence anything to do with your ownership of the house. So he pays nothing towards the mortgage and nothing that enhances the capital value of the house, ie home improvements etc. Nothing that could support a claim if things go wrong. Any payments should be clearly understood to be rent.

Secondly, can be useful to set up a joint bank account and debit cards for shared expenses, eating out etc, and you pay into it in whatever proportion you consider fair.

wewereliars · 18/03/2021 07:57

People confuse rights to ownership of property with paying a debt on it. Property law is determined by who is on the property deeds. Paying towards a mortgage on it says nothing about ownership. Where people are married the courts can interfere with this under the laws relating to marriage. Paying towards a property gives you no automatic right to a stake in it. Very occasionally, the court can step in where someone has gone way over and above in terms of enhancing a property to give them a share of it. This is incredibly expensive and rarely succesful, and needs solid evidence of intent that the non owner was told that they had a share and has enhanced the property value depending on that promise.In the case I remember from law school, many years ago, the woman had practically rebuilt the property herself. I

Sleepingdogs12 · 18/03/2021 08:07

What does he say about what he thinks is reasonable? I think his answer will tell you if you should make the move towards him moving in. This should be a shared discussion and decision. Has the pregnancy forced you into a decision you didn't plan for?

BillMasen · 18/03/2021 08:10

@nearlynermal

OP in your position I'd make 100% sure to ring fence anything to do with your ownership of the house. So he pays nothing towards the mortgage and nothing that enhances the capital value of the house, ie home improvements etc. Nothing that could support a claim if things go wrong. Any payments should be clearly understood to be rent.

Secondly, can be useful to set up a joint bank account and debit cards for shared expenses, eating out etc, and you pay into it in whatever proportion you consider fair.

So you believe he should live rent free?
nearlynermal · 18/03/2021 20:11

@BillMasen er, no, that was not even remotely my point.

DurhamDurham · 18/03/2021 20:25

You need to have firm agreements before he moves in, if it's already been decided that he's moving in those discussions should be underway. Why weren't finances mentioned when the subject first came up? You can't be too polite in these situations, it's better to be upfront and clear.

annonnymous · 18/03/2021 20:28

See a solicitor and get an agreement set up, even a rent type agreement. Secure your home and future. He doesnt pay the mortgage ever.

Lettuceforlunch · 18/03/2021 20:30

A cynic would say he’s fallen on his feet!

AnotherKrampus · 18/03/2021 22:39

He needs to be paying half of the council bill as others have said and half of the other bills, a fair share of food shopping and some rent. Ditto for childcare etc. Him earning less should not be giving him a cushty lifestyle with more cash in his pocket. Don't marry him given his feckless attitude to money and the fact you have children. You have a lot more to lose!

BillMasen · 19/03/2021 09:29

@nearlynermal apologies I missed that you said he should pay rent, which I agree with

willibald · 19/03/2021 09:35

He's already been taking you for a ride. I'd cease to be pregnant and he'd not move in. This has disaster written all over it. Here you are doing all the work already, determining these finances, he's just sat back doing FA to be proactive about it.

CateTown · 19/03/2021 12:58

He's already been taking you for a ride

How? He's paying rent and bills on his place and tops up shopping. It doesn't seem like the baby was planned (apologies if I got that wrong, OP) do huge changes without any proper discussion. How people can plan to bring a baby into the world without having conversations about finance is beyond me.

Crimeismymiddlename · 20/03/2021 17:49

Other posters are right, don’t get caught in a trap in which he suddenly is only paying a fraction of what everything costs to be ‘fair’ If I was you I would be very concerned about the baby/maternity costs as he has not saved any money-are you sharing all these costs or are you the one shouldering the bill for everything, you are going to be on a much reduced income soon, he may have to step up and pay extra for a few months-are you able to depend on him for that. Childcare is also going to be a big cost, is he prepared to pay half. You both work so don’t be caught up in the man trap of being convinced it’s your responsibility because you could in theory be a sahp.

Timetobeamummy · 22/03/2021 23:52

I can’t believe that people are genuinely not suggesting there is a 50/50 split here. My DP moved in 6 months after I bought a house. We have a joint account standing order same amount each into the joint account all bills come out of this. We pay our food shop and couple activities through this. I get paid more, but don’t contribute more why should we? However won’t worry if I pay for something on my own card for us either.

If you have a mortgage and see a future with your DP my suggestion is you get a document drawn up with the deposit and money you have already paid yourself ring fenced. Then if he saves up any of his own money he can pay a sum of money to you for more % of the house.

If your having a child together, pay a sensible manageable amount to a joint savings account for all the baby things you’ll need and future expenses.

Ultimately you need to have a serious chat about the finances. It’s a huge deal in a relationship and if a plan isn’t established you will be resentful in the future and be quiet frankly will feel like he is on a free holiday

altmember · 23/03/2021 00:37

@Howshouldibehave

I'm already saving but DP isn't-nor is he contributing other than top-up food shops for when he stays here

Are those red flags I see waving?

You are letting a man with no savings who earns a much lower salary than you, who only pays for top up shops move into your house. Be very careful.

At the moment he lives elsewhere, so presumably has all his own household expenses to cover already. Seems quite fair that he contributes towards the food he consumes when he comes round to visit, but not pay other costs as it's not his home (yet).

When he moves in it's fair to split the household bills more evenly, maybe 60/40 since your son is there too. Beyond that, I'd only charge him a nominal rent, or get a lodger/rent agreement drawn up. You will need to tell your motgage provider that another adult is resideing there, and they'll likely want him to sign something to absolve him of any claim to title.

Appreciate your sitaution with a baby on the way, and that may be forcing the living arrangement change somewhat, but it sounds like the intention is for the long term. So if you do ask him to pay rent, agree a date when that will change to actually becoming a co owner of the property (perhaps 1 or 2yrs?) It'll surely make sense to add him onto the mortgage and share the cost of that/pay it off quicker between you. Only fair that he would accrue equity in the house then. You can get a deed of trust drawn up to stipulate what proportions you both own, to protect your share.

BehindMyEyes · 23/03/2021 00:42

Get a legal cohabitation agreement drawn up.

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