What do you do if...

[Ganasha]

You’ve been married a long time. Have small kids. No abuse. He does more than fair share of housework. Nothing at all wrong like that in any way but I’m treading on eggshells with my self esteem and confidence in the gutter because he’s defensive and has a snappy/vicious tongue. He can put me down like zap. Bang. Boom. I have to watch what I say. I can’t level anything at him that could be taken as a criticism or telling him he’s wrong. It’s 50/50. Sometimes it’s fine. Sometimes it’s not. I never know. I can offer my opinion on something and bam. Then the atmosphere is bad. Sometimes he then withdraws completely and it’s down to me (regardless of right or wrong) to build bridges and repair the atmosphere. That’s fine but I’m just worn down by the way he speaks to me. I can’t even describe it really. It’s condescending and patronising 80% of the time. He comes out “all guns blazing” even if whatever I’ve said isn’t anything that warrants that. I don’t even know if I’m describing this well enough. What do you do in this situation? Because I’m a nice person and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being spoken to like crap

Then don't. That's it. Simple as.
Do not spend time / waste your time with someone who does not want you to be happy .

Take control of your own happiness. Is he going to recognise this, seek some form of therapy and repair his attitude and replace it with live and consideration towards you .

If yes - then speak to him and tell him you are off if he doesn't deal with his unacceptable behaviour. .. and mean it.

If no. Life is too short. Leave.

If no

He won’t get therapy. It’s on me and I am having weekly therapy. I have been for sometime. It’s that that’s made me realise. My counsellor told me nobody deserves to be spoken to like this

He thinks it’s all on me. He can do no wrong. If I bring anything like a problem up he snaps me down and then the chances are he’ll ignore me for anything up to a week. So now he snaps and I ignore it.

That is abuse. Emotional abuse. Just because he's not physically violent doesn't mean he isn't abusive towards you.
You dont deserve that. Walk away.

I just want to know if other people in long term marriages get spoken to like this

You are 100% wrong that there's no abuse. Your husband is very abusive and you shouldn't tolerate it. Please don't allow your children to be raised in such an abusive, dysfunctional household. It will impact the rest of their lives.

I think if being married to someone means you need therapy, then you're with the wrong person. Perhaps talk to your therapist about how you can start afresh?

You say it's not an abusive relationship, but it really is. There are more ways to destroy a woman than by hitting her.

It sounds absolutely awful - your self esteem must be in shreds.

It’s incredibly hard to call it that though because anybody else might be ok with the way he speaks. It just makes me feel bad. How do you tell somebody that the way they speak to you makes you feel bad and get some resolution. It’s been going on for so long now

I just want to know if other people in long term marriages get spoken to like this

I've been married nearly 25 years and my husband nor I have ever spoken to each other like this, not even once. There is nothing normal or acceptable about it.

He does this because he can and it works for him. His intention throughout has been to wear you down. I would also think that this abusive treatment of you is reserved solely for you (and in turn your kids also) because he does not behave like this to outsiders. He does not apologise nor accept any responsibility for his actions either does he?. His actions are about power and control and he wants absolute over you all.

Abuse is not just physical in nature and you are in an abusive relationship with him. You are describing both emotional and verbal abuse here. I would suggest you contact Women’s Aid and also consider seeking legal advice re separation. You do not have to act on that immediately but knowledge is power.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is not an environment your children should be raised in. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. If they see their dad talk to you like this also it could be a matter of time before they start copying his behaviour. If your adult children or another MN poster came to you with this problem what would your counsel be?

I would leave him. When it was safe. I would never see or speak to him again. He is abusing you. Your life could be so much better.

What you’ve described is emotional abuse. He sounds very childish.
I’m sure there are women and men who live like you, keeping their mouths shut and walking on egg shells, sucking it up, because they can’t bring themselves to leave.
You deserve better.

I have been married a long time and I have never been spoken to in the ways your husband speaks at you. As I wrote before the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You asked if other people in long term marriages get spoken to like that....yes I did. “Treading on eggshells” resonated with me. I didn’t realise until I left that it was abuse.

Abusive people do not do well in therapy as a rule because they refuse to apologise and take any responsibility for their actions. To your husband it’s all your fault, he probably also accuses you of driving him to act like this. It’s never their fault you see.

My BIL could have written this about my sister. I am amazed they have stayed together this long. It's eggshells in their house. That said, she is aware she needs to change and her reactions are unreasonable, it comes from a place of emotional damage and deeply ingrained reflexes, they are having counselling and I know she's trying to make changes but he's not the same person he was after years of this. They both love each other and really value the family unit and marriage. She does accept she needed to change but will need really good help to get there. Time will tell.
If your dh doesn't see the problem there is no hope of change at all.

I was in a relationship like this and it ruined me. Leave. He will never change. It's emotional abuse.

You can't live in fear of speaking people someone flipping all the time. It's no way to live.

That is abuse and not a normal relationship. Nobody has the right to speak to you like that or make you feel that way. The good doesn't outweigh the emotion damage.

I would leave a man like this, thinking that life is really too short to waste it like that, having pointlessly horrible days, and I wouldn't waste any time analysing him on my way out if the door either.

He has problems that are nothing to do with you.

Do you put up with it until the kids are old enough to be independent?

Is it better to suck it up than be without kids half the rest of their lives and be completely alone

And what do you actually do or say? Do you say “sorry it’s not working for me anymore” or do you go into details even though you know the details will be angrily received and nothing will happen or change and it will just be fucking painful. Is it best just to go “look no hard feelings I’m just not feeling the same anymore” what do you actually say so you don’t sound like an utter incompetent turd

@Ganasha

I just want to know if other people in long term marriages get spoken to like this

I am married more than 25 years and have never been spoken to like this. None of my friends are either, or my in laws or my sister. They speak respecfully and kindly to each other, occasionally have disagreements and then sort it out without ignoring each other or punishing each other.

Does he speak to people at work like this? to his friends? His family? I doubt it. No one would put up with it and HR would get involved at work.

Your children are accepting that this is how a man should speak to a woman and she should tolerate it. He needs to sort himself out. you can't do it. I could not live in a situation where the person who was supposed to love me most in the world, spoke to me like shit 80% of the time.

By staying you're just showing the kids that they should just accept being treated like shit. Is that the message you want to give them for when they're adults and forming relationships?

No.

This isn't sustainable and eventually you'll end up spilting up. Could take years but it will happen because he's basically stopped seeing you as a human being .

The only difference then will be you'll be several years older, more bitter and more ground down by your life with him. Therefore less likely to bounce back and get the life you want.

You should take the power in your own life back now so when you have control over what happens next and you can plan for future without him.

You do have a life after this - you will be single yes but you don't have to be alone.