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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do you do if...

62 replies

Ganasha · 16/03/2021 19:12

You’ve been married a long time. Have small kids. No abuse. He does more than fair share of housework. Nothing at all wrong like that in any way but I’m treading on eggshells with my self esteem and confidence in the gutter because he’s defensive and has a snappy/vicious tongue. He can put me down like zap. Bang. Boom. I have to watch what I say. I can’t level anything at him that could be taken as a criticism or telling him he’s wrong. It’s 50/50. Sometimes it’s fine. Sometimes it’s not. I never know. I can offer my opinion on something and bam. Then the atmosphere is bad. Sometimes he then withdraws completely and it’s down to me (regardless of right or wrong) to build bridges and repair the atmosphere. That’s fine but I’m just worn down by the way he speaks to me. I can’t even describe it really. It’s condescending and patronising 80% of the time. He comes out “all guns blazing” even if whatever I’ve said isn’t anything that warrants that. I don’t even know if I’m describing this well enough. What do you do in this situation? Because I’m a nice person and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being spoken to like crap

OP posts:
EveningsInTheSummerhouse · 17/03/2021 06:22

Then you need to break the cycle.

But surely there’s a life without being snapped at or the kids being told to sit up straight at dinner, eat with your fork, stop moving, eat your dinner, moan moan moan. I’m old and tired and ground down. I can’t see any way out. I have crap family who all talk like this. They can’t have a conversation without arguing or blowing up or snapping in defence. Seriously. Does everybody live like this? Everyone I know does. My best friend snaps at her husband. Tell me honestly please mumsnet because I don’t know anyone who doesn’t do this

Because if you don't, these are the exact same questions your children will be asking in their own relationships and lives. And their children in turn if they don't break the cycle either.

Windmillwhirl · 17/03/2021 06:26

This makes for very harrowing reading, op. It doesn't matter if he thinks he is right or wrong. Bottom line is you are being controlled. His vicious tongue keeps you in your place.

Your life is passing you by. I hope you find the strength to leave this abuser, because that is what he is.

Loggerino · 17/03/2021 06:30

Sounds like abuse to me, but even if it isnt, partners are supposed to actively make you happy and engance your life. This guy is even tipping that scale to the negative side, so, NEXT!

Shoxfordian · 17/03/2021 06:41

It’s not ok for him to talk to you like that and it’s not normal either. My dh and I never talk to each other badly, even when we disagree which is very rare. You can have a much happier life without him

RealisticSketch · 17/03/2021 07:02

@Ganasha

But surely there’s a life without being snapped at or the kids being told to sit up straight at dinner, eat with your fork, stop moving, eat your dinner, moan moan moan. I’m old and tired and ground down. I can’t see any way out. I have crap family who all talk like this. They can’t have a conversation without arguing or blowing up or snapping in defence. Seriously. Does everybody live like this? Everyone I know does. My best friend snaps at her husband. Tell me honestly please mumsnet because I don’t know anyone who doesn’t do this
The atmosphere you describe is a bit like my sister's, and when I go to her house the atmosphere is oppressive. We all feel five stones lighter and relieved when we depart. It is not like that in anyone elses house that I know. It's just total lack of patience and tolerance for anyone elses... Being. Share a house with others and you will see their mannerisms, they might not hear you all the time, they will make a noise when you want quiet etc etc... These are all normal little things which should just be bent with and acquired gladly, in return you get laughter and hugs and appreciation... You squeeze one out and you also lose the other. Some people just don't seem to realise this and it's horrid.
RealisticSketch · 17/03/2021 07:03

Accepted gladly

DonLewis · 17/03/2021 07:11

A relationship doesn't have to be dreadful for it to be the wrong relationship for you.

You are allowed to have a boundary and if the other person ignores it, that's the time to say 'this is not right for me'.

As for being on your own forever, I think I would prefer that to being treated like this. And if your self esteem was higher, I think you'd see that too.

It's OK to get out of a relationship, no matter the reason. Hope you find the strength to do what is best for you.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 17/03/2021 08:05

OP, several of your posts have said things that make me think you're afraid to be on your own, without a romantic relationship. Is this the case? Can you articulate why this is?

It sounds like you tick quite a few boxes for co-dependency. This is usually something that starts in childhood and is often caused by a parent emotionally neglecting your needs:
myonlinetherapy.com/what-causes-codependency/

This is definitely something to discuss and explore with your counsellor.

Please have a think about how your children are growing up. Right now, you are showing them every day that it's okay to be abused. That it's okay for your partner to treat you with contempt. That relationships aren't loving and respectful.

That's what your parents showed you, and that's what you've accepted as normal. It's not normal. It's not healthy. It's not right. And you - and your kids - deserve so much more.

Picture this in a few years time when your children are late teens or young adults:
Child: Mum, dad told me every day that I was stupid, annoying, and worthless. I feel like a shit human being. Why did you stay with dad? Why did you let him keep abusing us?
You: Well I was afraid of being on my own.

Doesn't sound great does it? The reality is that by trying to "protect" them from his abuse, what you're actually doing is enabling them to be afraid and hurt on a continual, daily basis. Please do not underestimate the damage this does to a child.

Absolute worst case scenario if you leave:
He will ask for, and get, 50/50 residence. Your children spend 50% of the time afraid, hurt and walking on eggshells, but the other 50% of their time in a happy, calm environment where they are told and shown how to love and respect people.

In reality, as a PP said, it's very unusual for men like this, men who hate parenting, men who find their children annoying, that he will stick with 50/50, after an initial attempt to use it to control you. He will let it dwindle to EOW (every other weekend) because he is Far Too Important to do the day-to-day work of parenting.

Contact may well eventually dwindle to nothing, which would be a positive thing for your children. Do not fall into the trap of thinking that any father is better than none. Because they don't have a father, they have an abuser. (Just as you don't have a husband, you have an abuser.)

I can tell that you don't feel strong enough to leave yet, and that's okay. It takes time and hard work to accept that what you've known all your life is not healthy, and that it is damaging you. Keep seeing your therapist, keep working on it and challenging your own subconscious beliefs - I think the primary focus here should be on your belief that being alone is impossible and that you aren't capable of meeting your own emotional needs without a third party. You absolutely can learn to do this, and you deserve to do this. You are worthy. You have worth. Please don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. Flowers

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 17/03/2021 08:11

BTW when you do reach the point of leaving, be prepared for a whole shopping list of shit behaviour from him. This will range from ramping up the abuse and telling you you're shit and nobody else will even look at you, to telling you that he can't live without you and he's going to kill himself. Threats to have the children "taken off you" because you're "unfit" (proved, in his mind, by you having therapy and/or taking anti-depressants, perhaps having had PND after giving birth, etc) will often be thrown at you here.

Take absolutely no notice of anything he says at the time you tell him its over. Anything he tells you, such as he doesn't have to pay maintenance, or that you're not entitled to stay in the house - just wave them away, then seek proper legal advice about where you stand. He will make up the most fantastical shit to try to bring you back under his control. Don't believe a bloody word out of his lying, trash-talking mouth.

Mix56 · 17/03/2021 08:12

Leaving with your children, living in a harmonious, angst free environment will show them how normal people behave.
They will be learning from his example,

You only have one life, leave.

Feelingconfusedtonight · 17/03/2021 08:16

@Ganasha

I just want to know if other people in long term marriages get spoken to like this
I’m in a similar situation too. It’s not always what he says but the way in which he speaks to me. He’s said some pretty horrible things too.
Trickyboy · 18/03/2021 21:15

@Ganasha

I just want to know if other people in long term marriages get spoken to like this
I have been married 23 years.

The answer to your question is NO.

... and if he ever did, it would be the first and LAST time. I respect myself too much.

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