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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do you do if...

62 replies

Ganasha · 16/03/2021 19:12

You’ve been married a long time. Have small kids. No abuse. He does more than fair share of housework. Nothing at all wrong like that in any way but I’m treading on eggshells with my self esteem and confidence in the gutter because he’s defensive and has a snappy/vicious tongue. He can put me down like zap. Bang. Boom. I have to watch what I say. I can’t level anything at him that could be taken as a criticism or telling him he’s wrong. It’s 50/50. Sometimes it’s fine. Sometimes it’s not. I never know. I can offer my opinion on something and bam. Then the atmosphere is bad. Sometimes he then withdraws completely and it’s down to me (regardless of right or wrong) to build bridges and repair the atmosphere. That’s fine but I’m just worn down by the way he speaks to me. I can’t even describe it really. It’s condescending and patronising 80% of the time. He comes out “all guns blazing” even if whatever I’ve said isn’t anything that warrants that. I don’t even know if I’m describing this well enough. What do you do in this situation? Because I’m a nice person and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being spoken to like crap

OP posts:

Mabelface · 16/03/2021 19:45

I was with my ex husband for 20 years and he never spoke to me like that. My partner of 3 years doesn't speak to me like that. It's not normal, it's not right and it's abuse.

Knittedfairies · 16/03/2021 20:08

It doesn't matter if you've been married for a fortnight or fifty years; no-one should be spoken to like that. You, and your children, deserve so much better.

Original poster

Ganasha · 16/03/2021 20:14

and then he’s lovely and brings me tea and I wonder if I just imagined it all, am I over sensitive, not everybody’s perfect

OP posts:

Original poster

Ganasha · 16/03/2021 20:17

But surely there’s a life without being snapped at or the kids being told to sit up straight at dinner, eat with your fork, stop moving, eat your dinner, moan moan moan. I’m old and tired and ground down. I can’t see any way out. I have crap family who all talk like this. They can’t have a conversation without arguing or blowing up or snapping in defence. Seriously. Does everybody live like this? Everyone I know does. My best friend snaps at her husband. Tell me honestly please mumsnet because I don’t know anyone who doesn’t do this

OP posts:

tootiredtospeak · 16/03/2021 20:18

You say that the way you speak to me is changing the way I feel about you and I am considering leaving you because of it. If you wont come to counselling to work on it together then we must separate. Firm but fair and then you have to follow it through.

Suzi888 · 16/03/2021 20:21

what do you actually say so you don’t sound like an utter incompetent turd...
You say, “I’ve had enough of being spoken to like a piece of crap and I want divorce”.

Original poster

Ganasha · 16/03/2021 20:23

and then what if I go and he immediately meets somebody else and they’re blissfully happy for the rest of their lives with my kids and I’m alone and it turns out I was always the problem after all. I’m just confused and scared.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ganasha · 16/03/2021 20:23

If I had a decent, solid, local support system then this would be easy

OP posts:

marshflamingo · 16/03/2021 20:23

You don't deserve to be abused and your children don't deserve to live in an abusive home. They are affected by this too even if you can't see it while you're in the middle of this storm.

Abuse works by cycling between niceness and cruelty. That's how it keeps you on eggshells, messes with your head, cuts you deeper. Keeps control of you.

It's like if you try to snap a metal paperclip. Folding it in half once in one direction won't work - you just have a folded paperclip. But if you fold it in half one way then back in the opposite direction then back again it weakens the metal and it will snap.

That's what he's doing to your mind.

Has your therapist mentioned the Freedom Programme to you?

As to your question about telling him. You don't explain or try to seek his understanding and agreement, you tell him it's over. Preferably after making practical arrangements and developing a safety plan.

marshflamingo · 16/03/2021 20:26

@Ganasha

If I had a decent, solid, local support system then this would be easy

It wouldn't be.

You would still be scared and would just have a different "if x happened this would be easy" .

Leaving abuse is never easy. Like many other important things in life. It's also the right thing to do.

Original poster

Ganasha · 16/03/2021 20:27

I don’t need a safety plan but thank you. He’s never ever done anything like that and wouldn’t. It’s just going to be incredibly difficult because my kids rely on me for emotional support. He’s erratic and domineering. If they challenge him then he cuts them sharp with his tongue too. He’s deeply unpleasant unless everything’s going his way. My kids are going to be exposed to that. It’s the reason I’ve stayed so long. There is no way to win here. I’m stuck and that’s that.

OP posts:

tootiredtospeak · 16/03/2021 20:27

Why would you be though. Living a life on your own with the kids, no one snapping at you no treading on eggs shells you get to chose what you do and where you go. That is amazing I promise you. There is no better feeling. Who cares if he meets someone else. It will be hard if you dont have support but you can do it women so it everyday and you will become stronger and stronger. You can keep doing the therapy and without him it will probably become clear to you exactly who the problem lies with.

marshflamingo · 16/03/2021 20:28

Does everybody live like this? Everyone I know does.

No. But people from abusive backgrounds tend to end up being abused.

He's abusing your children. They deserve to have you break the cycle and protect them so they don't end up as abused adults thinking abuse is normal.

tootiredtospeak · 16/03/2021 20:31

Also you cannot change that he is their Dad and you cannot change his behaviour. You can show them you wont accept it and then as they grow they can learn to to accept it also. Whilst you stay and they see you accepting it you are normalising it for them.

marshflamingo · 16/03/2021 20:31

You're not protecting them now.

Living like this 24/7 means they have nowhere that is safe. Nowhere that is calm and predictable. Nowhere that they can relax and go about life without their bodies flooded with adrenaline (which causes long term physical damage).

They have no experience of feeling safe and secure. It's not possible to feel those things whilst living with an abuser. No matter what you tell yourself. They're walking on eggshells the same as you.

tootiredtospeak · 16/03/2021 20:32

Sorry they can learn not to accept it too.

BananaHammock23 · 16/03/2021 20:36

@Ganasha

and then he’s lovely and brings me tea and I wonder if I just imagined it all, am I over sensitive, not everybody’s perfect

He's gaslighting you

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/03/2021 20:47

@Ganasha

Do you put up with it until the kids are old enough to be independent?

And teach them that this is what a relationship is supposed to look like? So they then go on and recreate it when they are adults too?

No.

DoverSoul · 16/03/2021 20:48

My kids are going to be exposed to that. It’s the reason I’ve stayed so long.

Do you mean at the access time? They are being exposed to that now. I was in a very long marriage very similar to yours because it was what I knew growing up.

You are in a very precarious place just now and need help. You are in exactly the situation Women's Aid were made for. Please contact them.

Please don't assume he won't become physically abusive, you can never be sure.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/03/2021 20:51

@marshflamingo

You're not protecting them now.

This. Splitting means that at least 50% of the time (let's be honest it'll be loads more than that because men like him never actually do anything near 50:50 after a split) they can see an adult behaving responsibly, calmly and appropriately. At the moment than that while living under the same roof as him 100% of the time, even with you there, they don't get anywhere near that much good behaviour modelling.

And they are currently being taught that this is what relationships look like, making them more likely to replicate it as adults themselves.

If not for you, leave him for them.

BackforGood · 16/03/2021 22:09

Everything MarshFlamingo has said.

No, it is not normal to speak to people like that.
Surely you want your dc to grow up without a) being treated like that and b) witnessing you being treated like that ?

Please speak to Women's Aid . They will talk to you about different types of abuse. You seem to have been persuaded by him that abuse can only be physical. Please listen to everyone on this thread telling you it isn't.

Look into The Freedom Programme

sweetnessnfight · 16/03/2021 22:47

He's abusive and a CF, LTB.

EKGEMS · 16/03/2021 22:52

I've been married 28 years and my DH never talks to me like this. You need to take the kids and leave

Druidlookingidiot · 16/03/2021 22:58

Please wake up and see that he is abusing you. You’re worth more @Ganasha. Get your ducks in a row and prepare to leave.🌺

pallisers · 16/03/2021 23:26

Does everybody live like this?

No one I know lives like this. My sister is more volatile than I am - she doesn't treat her husband like this. My sister in law can get like a dog with a bone about arguments - she doesn't treat her husband like this.

And the more important question is do YOU want to live like this. Clearly you don't and it doesn't matter if all your friends and family snap and blow up and shout. You don't want your life to be like that. Most people wouldn't. you are not unreasonable.

I have crap family who all talk like this. They can’t have a conversation without arguing or blowing up or snapping in defence.

This is why you ended up with him. Do you want the same for your children. It isn't too late. The chances of him meeting a lovely woman and speaking nicely to her for the rest of their lives are slim to none. But even if it happens, isn't that better for your children than watching him abuse you day after day. And better for you not to be at the receiving end of his abuse. You could live alone and be very happy or meet someone better and be happy. But right now you are not happy and your children are being taught how to keep this behaviour going for the next generation.

This is your one life. Is this how you want to live it?

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