I have no one to talk to..I just want to cry

[Lostandlost]

Sorry for my pity party. But I am overwhelmed.

1. Strained marriage because my H had written off everything until his last penny savings to my inlaws in his will to prove that he cares for them.
2. Inlaws have now written away everything to my sil to prove they love her.
3. I have been kept in dark about all this thinking my husband is actually saving for my children but as of he owns nothing to give away.
4. To make it worse, I am a housewife; now desperately looking to earn because I cant rely on my H anymore after he betrayed me financially.
5. I was home to take care of him with his deteriorating auto immune condition. The medication has now affected his liver and we are waiting for either the bad news or the worst news.
6. My inlaws blame me for his auto immune condition as I am supposed to be keeping him healthy so that he could send his income to them.
7. My mum suffers from depression since Inlost my dad and my sister has hydrocephelus which becomes worse with stress. I cant tell them both.
8. I feel the storm is comming and I am not prepared. H might get sick/worse. I wont have a penny to survive nor my inlaws will give me anything as they have already written it off and they are down right greedy and wont acknowledge me or my children.

I am scared. I am lost. I cant talk to anyone.

On the outside, I have a good healthy husband ( I dont). I own a house ( solely depends on Hs ability to earn which is only going south). I am rich ( I am absolutely stuck and broke and have nothing in my name) and save a lot ( we send almost everything to inlaws as they have brainwashed my husband that he is a bad human being if he dosnt). My husband is the scape goat child to their daughter who is the golden child. They dont even care much about his liver problem, as long as the money comes in.. it should be ok .

I know this senario is new to the western world. I am not looking for quick solutions. I think I just want to say it out . I am lost and crying.

@strudsespark... I have accepted that he will never stand up for me against his family ( apparently we are the second family). Marrying me in the UK will be 'devastating' to them. He knows about his condition, he knows he may not see himself around in next 10yrs (God forbid he dosnt accelerate faster which is usually the case) yet we have no life insurance.

He himself is a voiceless victim to a set of parents who dont see him anymore of a being than a sacrifucial goat to his sister. I just can not believe how heartless his parents are. But he could have done something about it as an adult but he could not. Now his problem has become mine and my kids problem for no fault of ours.

@Kelly345 You said it. I dont want his pity anymore. I never wanted his pity, only wanted his love and I did what a person could do for it. If I dont open my eyes even now, my children will curse me not him.

Whats heartbreaking that he knew I wont take this shite so he kept it a secret until I found out. Just to have me around for care, nice and convinient.

I am 40, this is the time women usually ( many nit all) are releived from having to build a career.

However, mine starts now. How ever bleak or great it is, so it shall be.

@user1471462428.. oh you were in my spot!.. I like the way you solved it .

He can expect no care from you if he is financially abusing you and his own children.

If he has made his bed, he may need to lie in it. His decision making absolves you of any guilt.

You have a responsibility towards your children even if he has decided he doesn’t.

Be strong now, you can do this.

Well I don't know if you have any feelings or respect left for him. If you do, I would give it one more shot, directly saying we need to marry in the uk. If he refuses (he won't have to tell his parents) you know where you stand. Hope you have someone to tell you what you are entitled to financial support-wise.

Best of luck with your exam and getting a job.

If he passes away you can definitely challenge the will on behalf of the children as his dependents. If he hadn't made a will his wife first then children would inherit - if he's left them all without provision you have a strong case.
Can you discuss that with him now? Make it clear you will challenge and you'd rather save his family the stress of that process?

I think the confusion here is maybe the op saying married under the laws of her country, op do you maybe mean religious laws of your country Ie sharia law etc?

@Bluntness100
Its Hindu marraige Act
Apparently not legally recognized.

The world runs on women's guilt.

Another thought, if he wills all of his money to his relatives abroad, I expect a very large part of it will be disappear in inheritance tax. They may well find that, despite technically getting all his fortune, they are less well off than if they had continued to receive regular support from him because the UK government took the bulk of it. On the other hand, if he legally maries you, his wife, there wont be inheritance tax to pay and you can continue to support them in the manner to which they have been accostomed (or not...) I dont know if it is worth raising that with them - it could make things worse if he decides to transfer everything early to avoid that happening. But definately a consideration.

Look into the nikah.
Get a job, and do not alter or compromise on it to care for him. Tell him he has made his choice, and it’s not his children. You’re their mother and you must look after them, they have no father worth mentioning.

Can you marry him legally under uk law?

If he did die, surely his will could be challenged on the childrens behalf as dependents? Or is it that the house and everything else is now in his parents name?

His parents are not your problem. Don’t pick up the phone to them. Don’t open the door to them- he can do that. Don’t spare them a thought. You have other things to focus on.

40 is not that late to be finding work . I’m not far off and I will be working for a long time.

For those not following the updates, she's a Hindu, not a Muslim so the laws around a Nikkah (Muslim marriage) do not apply in this situation.

OP. Your husband is the financial bit of your ILs retirement plan. As much as he's a victim, he's also colluding in their treatment of him (you mentioned he's aware they don't really care). I'd give him an ultimatum to wake up now and forever and try to claw some of his money back or I'd walk away.

Does the Hindu religion say how you'll be supported after the death of your husband? Does your religion say anything about him leaving you a portion of his wealth when he dies? In Islam, a woman is entitled to 25% of her husbands assets, with the rest going to his children, his parents and siblings, etc.

when he dies*

Hes not a voiceless victim.

He could marry you in the UK and never tell them. He could leave everything to you and the DC in his will. He is choosing this.

If you've only had a religious ceremony, I strongly encourage you to get a legal civil marriage in the UK. This will give you some more protection. Dont leave yourself exposed any longer, get to work on this ASAP.

Your marriage may not be legally recognised here in the UK, but you may still have some rights.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

You are effectively 'co-habiting' with an unmarried partner and you are a financial dependent.

It's complicated and it's not much, but you do have some rights.

I need to get A LOT together, from making myslef job worthy to giving him an ultimatum.

Hindu law states only widows get husbands property. There is no other way. Also, I previuosly mentioned he has written it all away and it has been again written it away , so I know what I am getting. Zilch.

Its only dawning on me thats its not about him now, he is 44 and is responsible for his decissions.
Its about my kids now.

Ladies, I owe you all a virtual hugs for what you have posted. Immensely thankful.

@Gingernaut.. scanning it now. Thankyou for the article. Lets see if anything is going to help me.

I will need some more money for any further appointments ( I have got few booked for now) may be I will do some odd jobs for a month or two and get whatever money I can make.

All men in my country beleive that divorce rates are low because they are angelitic.. eh, so much for their confidence; the whole marital law revolves around keeping women locked in marraiges. No wonder low divirce rates and high suicide rates.

What a sham(e).

*Angelic

@Lostandlost

I need to get A LOT together, from making myslef job worthy to giving him an ultimatum.

Hindu law states only widows get husbands property. There is no other way. Also, I previuosly mentioned he has written it all away and it has been again written it away , so I know what I am getting. Zilch.

Its only dawning on me thats its not about him now, he is 44 and is responsible for his decissions.
Its about my kids now.

Ladies, I owe you all a virtual hugs for what you have posted. Immensely thankful.

If a widow inherits under Hindu law, and you are married in Hindu law, then surely you would be a widow in Hindu law if he were to die? I apologise if I have misunderstood.

If I were you, I would tell him straight that if he is not going to provide for you and his DC and safeguard their future if he were to die, then you must. This means that you will have to find work and will be unable to be his carer. You have been a devoted wife and wish you could continue to be, but the reality is that he's given you no choice. His actions regarding his Will mean that if he were to die, you and the DC would be homeless and without income. Ask him to speak with a religious leader to help find a solution to his dilemma.

@Gazelda .. you arnt mistaken. Yes, I will inherit as a widow but theres nothing to inherit anyway. I might as well count on me than him.

Also, I am more spiritual person than religious. I love what my religion teaches on being a good part of this nature and live peacefully inside of you whatever be the outside. I am far from pro but as much as I believe in the teachings; I dont really want to go to priests as they are usually in the same mindset of 'suck it up and be a bigger person'.

I am sorry but I am just speaking what I beleive, not to offend anyone.

[quote Lostandlost]@Gazelda .. you arnt mistaken. Yes, I will inherit as a widow but theres nothing to inherit anyway. I might as well count on me than him.

Also, I am more spiritual person than religious. I love what my religion teaches on being a good part of this nature and live peacefully inside of you whatever be the outside. I am far from pro but as much as I believe in the teachings; I dont really want to go to priests as they are usually in the same mindset of 'suck it up and be a bigger person'.

I am sorry but I am just speaking what I beleive, not to offend anyone.[/quote]
If you inherit under Hindu law as a widow, then surely that means you will inherit the house, savings etc?

Or has he already signed these into his parents' names? ie they are no longer his to give away?

Incidentally, don't apologise for expressing your beliefs! They are yours to express and I can't imagine why anyone would be offended by them. On the contrary, I feel the need to apologise for not understanding the mechanisms of Hinduism.

Yes, he has signed them away.
I feel Hinduism is closer to freedom yet the laws are faaar from it!. So I get the confusion so no worries

^Property Law:
There is no concept of matrimonial property under Indian law. A woman can ordinarily claim maintenance and not a right over the property/house in which she resides. A woman can claim "right to reside" in her matrimonial home under the Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act 2005.^

This is the same 'marital home' that she will be trying to run away from as they are taking about Inlaws home. I dont get how this comes under 'right'.. its like 'right to get abused'.

I somehow feel lighter now. I was heavy before.

I see, you were talking about "willed", but it is more like he has pre-empted the will business by signing away his property while still alive? I really really feel for you.
That arrangement incidentally is exactly the sort of thing that has tax evasion written all over it, but that doesnt help you anyway.

I am all for forgiveness by the way, but what a lot of people seem to forget is that in order to reach forgiveness you normally need to allow youself go through the stages of anger/indignation first.

Hold on a minute ..

You say on your other thread that the house is jointly owned ? Then it matters not a jot that you are effectively cohabiting partners in the eyes of UK law.

You are in the UK so the ONLY law that is relevant is UK law. Hindu law has no jurisdiction in the UK.

You either hold the property as 'joint tenants ' or 'tenants in common' . If it's joint tenants then you will inherit his 'half' automatically regardless of who he thinks he has given it away to.. If it's tenants in common then he can leave his HALF to whoever he wishes... but CANNOT give away your share.
At worst YOU will still own half the value of the house.
At best it will all come to you. Doesn't matter what religion you are. No religious 'laws' take precedence over UK law if you live in the UK..

Also.... even though you are not legally married in the uk .. then there is still 'The children's Act' under which cohabiting spouses can apply for financial support for their children when divorcing or after the partners death.

You URGENTLY need to get yourself to a solicitor that deals with UK family law.. and away from one that gives any time of day to religious customs. It's entirely irrelevant !!