I have no one to talk to..I just want to cry

[Lostandlost]

Sorry for my pity party. But I am overwhelmed.

1. Strained marriage because my H had written off everything until his last penny savings to my inlaws in his will to prove that he cares for them.
2. Inlaws have now written away everything to my sil to prove they love her.
3. I have been kept in dark about all this thinking my husband is actually saving for my children but as of he owns nothing to give away.
4. To make it worse, I am a housewife; now desperately looking to earn because I cant rely on my H anymore after he betrayed me financially.
5. I was home to take care of him with his deteriorating auto immune condition. The medication has now affected his liver and we are waiting for either the bad news or the worst news.
6. My inlaws blame me for his auto immune condition as I am supposed to be keeping him healthy so that he could send his income to them.
7. My mum suffers from depression since Inlost my dad and my sister has hydrocephelus which becomes worse with stress. I cant tell them both.
8. I feel the storm is comming and I am not prepared. H might get sick/worse. I wont have a penny to survive nor my inlaws will give me anything as they have already written it off and they are down right greedy and wont acknowledge me or my children.

I am scared. I am lost. I cant talk to anyone.

On the outside, I have a good healthy husband ( I dont). I own a house ( solely depends on Hs ability to earn which is only going south). I am rich ( I am absolutely stuck and broke and have nothing in my name) and save a lot ( we send almost everything to inlaws as they have brainwashed my husband that he is a bad human being if he dosnt). My husband is the scape goat child to their daughter who is the golden child. They dont even care much about his liver problem, as long as the money comes in.. it should be ok .

I know this senario is new to the western world. I am not looking for quick solutions. I think I just want to say it out . I am lost and crying.

If the house is owned by the OP and her husband as joint tenants then it will be hers entirely after he passes under survivorship. I think anything in a joint account would also be hers but I'm not 100% about that. Everything else she can make a claim for under the Inheritance Act.

It's not a lost cause OP but it'll just be more work than if you were legally married.

If you are not legally married then treat it like he is your DP, alternatively, would he be willing to marry you under British law to add protection - if he's that worried about his parents, you could do it in secret?
If he stays as a DP, you still might be better off separating and then under UK law he'd have to pay maintenance, at least you'd have peace away from it all. I'd be tempted to leave all his care to his family, why should you support him for nothing?. Sounds like getting a job would be the way forwards to protect yourself whatever you decide.

I'm sorry but that's incorrect. It doesn't matter where you married. If you live in the UK and own property/assets here then you are bound by UK law

I don't understand why you would waste your life caring for a man who doesn't care for you

Get a job, leave him and he'll have to pay child maintenance, sounds like it would be a decent sum

Is it one of the non-recognised marriages as described here?

southallblacksisters.org.uk/news/webinar-religion-marriage-and-minority-womens-rights-in-family-law/

Is it worth you phoning them for advice?

southallblacksisters.org.uk/contact-us/

If he's not going to look after you and you'll be left with nothing anyway then what have you got to lose? You might as well leave anyway and claim benefits because that's what you'll be living on when he dies anyway

I was in a similar position with my ex sending his money home and keeping me and the kids in poverty. The only answer is to move out and claim benefits, there is no future in your marriage as he has financially abused you for years. My ex’s family wander about in designer clothes and sit in their brand new homes while my kids are given hand me downs and I struggle to keep a roof over their heads. He doesn’t love you to do this to you.

Have you considered going to a religious leader in your community, I'm sure they wouldn't consider this fair or just. They will not have legal power to intervene, but they may have other sorts of community influence.
I wouldn't rely solely on this however.

Please phone your local Citizens advice bureau, they will be able to furnish you with free advice.

Btw, if you husband is so easily controlled by others, have you tried speaking to him, rationalising to him, and sharing your emotions of fear worry and anxiety with him? You had every right to exert pressure if it is a matter of survival for you and your children.

He doesn't sound very loyal sensible or rational. I wouldn't rely on him anymore. It's time for you to take action.

He needs therapy, he sounds like he is being emotionally and financially abused.

@Justcallmebebes

I'm sorry but that's incorrect. It doesn't matter where you married. If you live in the UK and own property/assets here then you are bound by UK law

Sorry, but as others have said, you are wrong. The OP needs legal advice, but there are many women in the UK in the same position as the OP and who have found that they have been left with nothing or almost nothing when the relationship ends. I have personally seen this happen. What you are failing to understand is that the OP is not married in the eyes of the law.

@WorkItGirl

Have you considered going to a religious leader in your community, I'm sure they wouldn't consider this fair or just. They will not have legal power to intervene, but they may have other sorts of community influence. I wouldn't rely solely on this however.

Please phone your local Citizens advice bureau, they will be able to furnish you with free advice.

Btw, if you husband is so easily controlled by others, have you tried speaking to him, rationalising to him, and sharing your emotions of fear worry and anxiety with him? You had every right to exert pressure if it is a matter of survival for you and your children.

He doesn't sound very loyal sensible or rational. I wouldn't rely on him anymore. It's time for you to take action.

He needs therapy, he sounds like he is being emotionally and financially abused.

The same religous leaders that would tell a woman it's her duty to give her husband sex and she needs to be a good wife? You do understand the patriarchy?

Inequality is an ongoing problem, but not all religious leaders are bad. This is why I have said do not rely solely on this (or allow it to take up a disproportionate amount of your time). A multi pronged approach is better than one or none.

Hi all,
Thank you again for all replies. I am reading them.
I am preparing for an exam albeit a low level one to make myslef job worthy.

I am married legally for 15yrs but not under the UK law. I can only divorce under the law I married and the property rights are also according to the law I married. The property rights say that I can only claim when I become a widow. However, there is nothing to claim anyway out of him.

Like someone said, I will plan to leave him soon but I dont feel good at all leaving a sick person to deteriorate more. His family wont care ( he secretly knows it).
I am now left between choosing to help a sick person or to totally dedicate myslef to my children and let him go.

He needs therapy?.. May be but I am not in a state to take himmto therapy as I am in peices myself.

There are people who ruin other peoples lives. I cant beleive I am the victim so is their son .
I have been talking to a lawyer who knows both sides ( she is from my religion/marriage law). I have gotten 2 more appointments and then I dont have money to pay her.

Looks like my only way out is my ability to earn. I pray God to give me some strength for the sake of my kids. I have no choice, do ot die.

You need more legal advice. If you are married legally (according to British law) then it should be possible to either divorce or look to contest the will as his legal wife. If you are not married legally, then you need to look at what rights you have as an unmarried partner. Unfortunately the answer is often, not many, but if you have contributed towards the house deposit, mortgage, propery in any way you need to get proof of this ASAP. And maybe look into whether formalising the marriage (could just be a quick registry office job) will help in your situation.

I wish I was married under UK law as then the property becomes 'couple's assets' rather than 'man's assets'.
I think the laws of my country wants people to stay together forcefully or else choose poverty. Its bery unfair .
I feel I have let this happen and let my kids down. Whatever it is, I must pull myself together now else I will do the same unfair treatment to my children.

@Lostandlost Sorry, I cross posted with you. I am so sorry you are in the position you are in. This quote stood out "I am now left between choosing to help a sick person or to totally dedicate myslef to my children and let him go.". This is going to sound incredibly calculating, but is there any way you can give him the choice - provide for me and OUR children in the future or I will go. On the one hand you are in an incredibly stressful situation since he is unwell and relies on you. On the other hand this actually puts you in a position of power (like a lot of nice people though that position is actually incredibly awkward). I dont know if he needs day to day care or not - but if he does and you leave he would need to pay substantial sums to a carer to do that. That is not money his relative would get. So he could transfer sums to you instead - enough to protect you and your children in the future. That way even if all "his" property goes to his relatives when he dies, you have youe own money, in your own accont and are protected.

That looks like it could work, asking him to keep me so that I can care for him. Although I have done it out of love all these years; I will put this on the table.
I will still try getting a job because I am not sure how the above will pan out. It will get ugly and I will be blamed for being 'selfish cow' which will hurt a lot... but if that can get me a bit of his money to me ( to my children).. I will do it.

Is this a Muslim marriage? I only ask because if you had a Nikah abroad it should still be deemed a legal marriage in the UK and you don't need to have a registration marriage here. If, for example, you had a nikah in the UK then you would still need the UK registration for it to be seen as a valid marriage.

Please speak to another solicitor.

It looks like his understanding of how love is demonstrated is through finances though - so if he expects you to demonstrate your love through caring for him then he can demonstrate his financially.
Of course, how you phrase that will vary, but do remember that the reason he is appealing to your emotions and sense of guilt is because that is the most powerful hold he has. That is why women get stuck in all sorts of situations. I know quite a few women from more patrarchal countries (at least as far as the laws go) and while they are sweet and kind they are also quite steely/unsentimental when they need to be. Because they have to be.
I did mean to say - do get legal advice before going down that route. I dont know anything about your husbands health and likely life expectancy and if he transferred a large sum of money to you and then died it could look like an attempt to get round inheritance tax (not true in your case). But a lawyer who knows your situation will be able to advise of this and any pitfalls.

@Lostandlost

I wish I was married under UK law as then the property becomes 'couple's assets' rather than 'man's assets'. I think the laws of my country wants people to stay together forcefully or else choose poverty. Its bery unfair . I feel I have let this happen and let my kids down. Whatever it is, I must pull myself together now else I will do the same unfair treatment to my children.

Id choose poverty and freedom over enslavement and unhappiness.

I have just looked this up, if there has been a Nikah situation for you, was there a bridal sum of money or a gift promised to you? If so, you apparently have the right to demand that in full at any time. Let’s hope if this is the case for you it’s a substantial sum.

Its Hindu marraige Act.

@WorkItGirl.. I will look into it as it was something similar but not that big amount. But still...I will
(Why do I feel sooo bad now that I am 'plotting' how do get money from him! )

@Kelly345.. I never knew I was in this position. I feel suffocating now that knkw I have been used for rubbing off dirt, like a doormat.

@apalledandshocked ... oh the guilt. Why I am so filled with it and why can they sleep peacefully snoring away.

I think, the countries law are favouring 'anti-divorce' but that means many will either jump out of a plane without a schute or suffocate till the end.

I am happy that all countries are not this way.

I hope my children dont inherit his condition like they wont inherit his wealth.

Without any mention of money/finances would it be possible for you to convey to him that you feel insecure about the future with his illness etc. and the way forward would be to get married in UK, too?

It seems to be your only two options, leave or marry. Don't feel guilty or obliged to look after him, he doesn't feel that way about protecting you.

Really hope it works out for you .

@Lostandlost

Its Hindu marraige Act.

@WorkItGirl.. I will look into it as it was something similar but not that big amount. But still...I will
(Why do I feel sooo bad now that I am 'plotting' how do get money from him! )

@Kelly345.. I never knew I was in this position. I feel suffocating now that knkw I have been used for rubbing off dirt, like a doormat.

@apalledandshocked ... oh the guilt. Why I am so filled with it and why can they sleep peacefully snoring away.

I feel so sad for you. Knowing that even if he dies he has still made sure you and your children won't be looked after is awful. I can only see either way you walk away with nothing. Maybe freedom and poverty are better options than a lifetime of sadness which leaves you in poverty anyway.

This might be an answer if your DH will do it.

Would he be willing to have a UK marriage at the registry office as soon as possible?