Help me cope

[CrazyCircles]

After years of therapy, psychiatry, medicine reviews, hormone tests, and marriage counselling, there are no further reasonable options left to try to resolve my wife's aversion to sexual intimacy (intercourse, oral, sexual touching, kissing etc.).

Our latest therapist says we've reached the point where we just need to accept it and focus on enjoying what we do have, in the way of a wonderful family life with our kids. He says my wife has a psychological condition, probably trauma-related, which means that sexual intimacy has become simply impossible for her.

My wife can live with this, but I feel panicked about committing to celibacy for the rest of my life when I'm only in my forties. We discussed an open marriage, but my wife feels that she has put incredible efforts into resolving this (which is true), and that it seems harsh for me to seek sex elsewhere, or to leave the marriage, when she is just as much of a victim of this as I am, if not more. I can totally see her point.

I feel like I've lost hope that our marriage can ever be what I want it to be. And I feel incredibly guilty for wanting it to be more. And weak for not being able to cope and put her happiness first. Me feeling this way makes my wife feel guilty too, and as if she's not good enough, which is horrible for her.

I just feel completely lost.

There is no right or wrong here, simply what either of you can live with. Your wife cannot live with physical intimacy, you are equally allowed to feel you cannot live without it. Its very sad but sometimes life is like that. Sacrificing your happiness and fulfilment for someone else will not work, its a poison challis in which no one feels true joy. And modelling a truly happy relationship for your children will do them much more good than staying in an unhappy one. If separated parents can put aside their differences, a new and better family life can be achieved.

Wow that is a really difficult situation. It sounds like you’ve both tried so hard to make it work. I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do, and I couldn’t live like that. I need intimacy and would have to leave my marriage (even though I love my partner very much!). I could not be celibate for life, it would destroy me.

At the same time I cannot imagine my husband would ever expect me to stay celibate if he wasn’t able to have sex, and I wouldn’t expect this of my husband neither!!! (We have actually discussed this). I do understand your wife must be feeling very hurt but I think it’s a tiny bit unreasonable for her to expect you to stay celibate for life.

I would leave if I were you. You could also opt to have an affair, or perhaps your wife will change her mind about the open marriage idea once you tell her you will leave, but the former will probably ruin your marriage and the latter will probably too (because your wife doesn’t truly want an open marriage). So I see no other option than to leave😢

What an absolutely devastating situation to be in. I can only say how this would make me feel personally, and this would be different for everyone, obviously. Personally I would be torn apart of my other half went elsewhere for intimacy/sex and it would ruin our relationship forever. I would much rather end the relationship than go through that. The jealousy and the emotional turmoil would utterly destroy me, I just couldn't live like that.

I can see that it is very unfair for one person to be asked to live without intimacy or sex for the rest of their life, and I think living like that is probably unsustainable no mater how good your intentions are to begin with or how much love there is there between you.

Having said the above, when you love somebody sometimes it is difficult to think rationally, you are naturally selfish because you love them and do not want to lose them. I think if it were my Partner and I we would end up separating. Probably not right away as I'd try to hang on to him for as long as I could (which I know is selfish, but he is my world), but the stress and the worry of whether or not he was seeing someone else behind my back would probably end up killing our relationship and would drive me crazy in the process. I would be utterly broken but I'd heal eventually. I would not if my partner was coming back to me having had sex with someone else on a regular basis. I'd be in pieces and an emotional wreck pretty much permanently.

I am so sorry you are both gong through this. If an open marriage is not an option for your wife (and I totally understand why it would not be), I just can't see how this would work for you in the long term. it sounds like you would be unhappy, and I think you may end up looking elsewhere eventually.

I think it is unreasonable for your wife to ask you to remain celibate for the entirety of your life.

The facts are, she is happy to not have sex (for personal reasons) and will will have a happy life without it. You are not happy to go without sexual intimacy and will go onto to have a less than satisfying life because of it.

I feel for your wife but ultimately imposing a sexless marriage on somebody who does not want this is unfair.

We discussed an open marriage, but my wife feels that she has put incredible efforts into resolving this (which is true), and that it seems harsh for me to seek sex elsewhere, or to leave the marriage, when she is just as much of a victim of this as I am, if not more. I can totally see her point.

It is awful, but even if she has really tried, it doesn't mean you have to give up the kind of life you wanted. You can appreciate how much she has done to make it work, and still have to admit it isn't going to. It's sad and it's unfair, but you don't owe it to her to stay.

Splitting up as amicably as you can and trying to maintain a friendship and good co-parenting would perhaps be best.

@Maggie900

I think from her perspective she wouldn't describe herself as happy without sex - I think she feels that she is missing out, and feels that our marriage would be better if it included sex. But I don't think she has any biological drive to do so, whereas I certainly do.

Have you considered asexuality or the spectrum around that

@IntrovertEm

It isn't impossible that she is somewhere on the asexual spectrum, but not in any clear cut way - we had a decent sex life to start with, and there are other indicators that she isn't clear-cut asexual.

Even if she is, that just reinforces the fact that there is nowhere to go with resolving things.

Sex and intimacy is the glue in a marriage. I know I couldn’t live without it, and I would try to split amicably. It sounds like you’ve both made every effort to resolve things. But yours is a zero sum situation - you aren’t both having to compromise a bit to meet in the middle, instead one of you gets what they want and the other doesn’t. I would find it incredibly hurtful and I know it would breed resentment over time (maybe unfairly, but the constant sense of rejection would wear me down).

It’s a hugely difficult situation OP, I hope you can resolve it amicably. Good luck.

As you said its not just aversion to intercourse which would be relatively easy to overcome but it's aversion to all kind of intimacy that's the problem here.
If she doesn't want even to kiss you then I am sorry to say it's not aversion to sex, it's aversion to you.
How is your relationship otherwise? What was the trauma that averted her from kissing and touching? Did it happen during the marriage?

I don't believe the psychologist that said it can't be resolved.

Try Psychosexual tantric somatics

@tropicalwaterdiver

She assures me that it isn't an aversion to me - and that she has no inclination to kiss anybody.

The relationship otherwise is very good. We rarely argue, work well together as a team, still make time for each other etc.

Difficult to tell re: the trauma precisely, it seems there might be some issues with her childhood which came out during therapy, and she also had a very traumatic first childbirth. Obviously the first of those predates the marriage, the second was during it. As I mentioned, there may be other factors - e.g. hormones, medication etc.

@noego

She's tried it! Or various things along those lines anyway.

I don't think there is much she hasn't tried.

The lack of sex wouldn't bother me but the lack of affection and intimacy would definitely eat away at me. I definitely need that in a relationship to feel loved. So I would probably leave as i know my resentment would start showing and it ruin whatever we had left.

Has she tried EMDR? It is supposed to be very effective with PTSD symptoms.

I’m going to assume there’s no hormonal element to this? Therapy can throw up all sorts of skeletons in cupboards and then just leave the bones laying all over the floor without actually piecing it all together again. For that reason I’m not a huge fan.

@category12

EMDR is actually one of the few things she hasn't specifically tried.

The problem with it is that she doesn't specifically remember some of the traumatic events from her childhood (probably blocked out - I never knew anything about it until recently), and since EMDR works by making you "relive" those events, it is going to be difficult. It would potentially require initial steps of uncovering suppressed memories, so not sure how viable that is.

@justanotherneighinparadise

There may be a hormonal element, yes. She has very low testosterone. She tried using testosterone gel for a while, which had some positive impact on her health/energy levels, but made no difference to her libido.

I have no idea of your wife’s age but if she is peri menopausal it’s very common for libido to lessen. If she already had a low sex drive it may be enough to make it fall off a cliff.

Personally I used to have a high sex drive and nowadays it’s much much less 🤷‍♀️

@justanotherneighinparadise

She's early forties, but we've had these issues for many, many years. So peri-menopause/menopause certainly wasn't the original cause, but could be an additional impediment in the future.

I would say that hormones will definitely be playing a part in this. As might low self esteem for example. I have a pretty low opinion of myself and that impacts on whether I feel desirable or not. I struggle to accept DP finds me attractive of desirable so it’s easier to just shut that side of myself down.

since EMDR works by making you "relive" those events

I've had EMDR and I get what you mean but it doesn't work quite like that. You work with and follow the memories that you remember. If there are other incidents which she doesn't remember/fully remember, the impact of them on her life will still be lessened when other memories with a similar theme happen to be touched on. These will probably be memories she remembers.

For instance, a thing happened to me at age 2 that I think might've made me feel rejected/abandoned. I don't necessarily remember the incident, I've just heard about it from others. I convinced myself fairly recently that I remember more of it, but I don't know whether that's true or not. There are hundreds of incidents in my life with a theme of rejection/abandonment, so it doesn't matter that I don't 100% remember that one. EMDR on memories with similar themes will have a knock on effect on that one / the issue as a whole and its effects.

EMDR is the therapy with the best evidence base for trauma and I highly recommend it.

Getting in touch with memories I think has to be organic and they may naturally emerge. Therapy that focusses on 'recovering' them can be dangerous as it can make people have 'memories' that didn't happen. Some people even falsely came to believe that they saw family members sacrifice babies to Satan, as the therapist was into having clients believe that.

I think your wife is being very unfair to you.
I don't think she can reasonably expect you to be celibate for the rest of your life.

I think your wife is being unreasonable and you should be able to seek sex elsewhere. Her years of trying will never compare to the DECADES you face without sex.
Why not try to find a woman in a similar position as you? A woman whose husband no longer wants intimacy but who has chosen to remain committed in her marriage... a mirror arrangement might reassure your wife more?
Otherwise, separate. Life's too short. She deserves someone who's entirely happy with celibacy, on the flip side. Do not be guilted.

So you've tried OM as a couple then?