Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Poor hygiene is a deal breaker for me

59 replies

Ilovecreamycoffee · 15/03/2021 16:38

I met my partner a number of years ago. I can't remember how far we were into our relationship when he started going to bed without brushing his teeth. I wasn't happy about that. In the mornings, I don't think he spent appropriate time brushing his teeth.
He was in the bathroom and back out again within a minute or so. I never timed him but definitely he was far too quick for my kind of liking especially considering no night time brush beforehand. It wasn't a nice habit.
Other hygiene habits have taken a dive over the past year with him. He doesn't smell bad but there is an issue. Sometimes when we meet his clothes are filthy. His hair was greasy too many times when we met.

I can remember one time when we met up, I think he had a runny nose. I thought at the time - 'WTF, what if that was the start of a covid infection for him'. For example if I had a runny nose, I think I would isolate until tested. We were walking along and what I witnessed him doing next, repulsed me greatly. He took his hand and he brought it to his nose and he wiped his nose all along the back of his hand all along his arm. It repulsed me so much. Why didn't he just ask me for a tissue?

We met over the weekend and I noticed while he was talking, every time he talked and opened his mouth, there was a film of thick saliva moving with his opened mouth. That would tell me he's not brushing his teeth or his a has a dry mouth. I gave him a fresh bottle of water that he didn't use.

All of this is a huge deal breaker for. Not only all of this poor hygiene there's new issues beginning to arise now too. He's very negative and he likes to mock the the prime minister and his name as if that adds anything constructive to a political chat. Something new now too is that, he is bored and unhappy with the lockdown and the guidelines and he doesnt want to follow them any more. Not only that but he did his owe little protest at the weekend and ignored the social distancing guidelines and nearly stood right up against another person's back in a queue. I had to ask him to step back. We are polar opposites now of each other. I think it's so important to follow the guidelines to protect yourself and others too. He's is now going to place himself into more risky situations and more risk of contracting the virus without a care in the world for others and for spreading it onwards.

He has no patience driving on the road and he lacks respect for other road users too. This is a pet peeve for me. He's driving around as if he owns the roads.

The man was a good man before and to some degree he still has a lot of good about him but there is the poor hygiene issues, it's a deal breaker for me. Not only the hygiene issues but his poor attitude towards others like other road users and his poor attitude towards the covid public health guidelines.

I would like to finish this relationship. I was never a dumper before. It was always done to me. How do I go about doing this. I wasn't in the mood for seeing him yesterday and I just made excuses against seeing him. They weren't excuses either. I did spend the day doing some home exercising.

OP posts:
TheBusiness · 15/03/2021 16:42

Just say, sorry it’s not working out for me and I’d like to end it. No hard feelings. Or something like that.

Don’t go into big explanations or excuses especially if he wants to know why. Re the hygiene, I don’t find it makes any difference even after you tell them. Those are his standards unfortunately.

funnylittlefloozie · 15/03/2021 16:44

I think you are absolutely right to end this. He sounds really grim.

The best way to end a relationship is just to bite the bullet and tell him. Make up something to soften the blow if you like.

PaterPower · 15/03/2021 16:44

So how long have you been dating? You say you met him “a number of years ago” but you’re not living together atm. If you don’t want to mention hygiene issues then just tell him you can’t see a future together - the relationship hasn’t gone anywhere

Isadora2007 · 15/03/2021 16:44

Why do you feel you have to justify yourself to a bunch of strangers on the internet. You don’t. You don’t even really need to justify yourself to him.

DarthWeeder · 15/03/2021 16:45

I feel physically sick just reading your OP.

I would dump him right now by text - “this relationship isn’t working for me any more, I don’t want carry on seeing you. It’s over. I wish you all the best for the future, but please don’t contact me again”.

I can’t imagine it will come as much of a surprise to him, I mean, I’m assuming you’re not actually kissing him or having sex with him - there can’t have been any physical affection while he’s like this, right? Envy

QueenOfPain · 15/03/2021 16:46

Tell him you need to talk, and then get him over for a chat, and just do it.

Don’t be tempted to try and soften the blow by doing it gradually or making any excuses or reassurances. Although the short sharp shock can be horrific for the dumpee at the time, especially if they really didn’t see it coming, it’s still far kinder to do it that way so that they don’t spend days or weeks or months with false hopes of reuniting. They can then start processing things immediately.

You don’t need to tell him it’s due to his personal hygiene if you are uncomfortable doing that, you can just explain that you feel that you’re no longer compatible and that you want to end things so that you can both move on with your lives.

peak2021 · 15/03/2021 16:50

When we meet does seem to confirm you don't live together, so ending the relationship is easier than it could be.

Try and do it face to face if you can or at least over the phone, not by text or email. You don't need to give reasons in detail if you don't want to, even though he seems to me someone who should not have a driving licence nor ever be in another relationship until he remembers to wash regularly and properly.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2021 16:51

It's astonishing that you clearly feel you need to justify wanting to end this relationship. It's almost as if you're looking for permission, yet you're a grown woman. You end it by telling him it's over and then never speaking to him again. It's not complicated and you should have done so ages ago. This man is disgusting.

Ilovecreamycoffee · 15/03/2021 16:52

I'm not trying to justify it to other people. I need help in dumping him. I don't know what to say.

He is a good person. He is hard working and honest. He comes from a good family but man the poor hygiene is a deal breaker for me. He's not looking after himself and I don't like it. My own father never looked after his health and he wrecked it. I don't want to be in this position in years to come seeing his health fail because he never looked after himself.

We are together 3 years. Engaged about 2 years with no plans for a wedding. He wanted to move fast for a wedding and I wasn't too keen to jump into it quickly. He was hoping to pay for a big wedding in the hope of getting loads of cash in cards and paying that way. I was the opposite and I thought we should save for it. We don't have any plans really to get married just yet. I'm definitely having a change of heart though.

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/03/2021 16:54

I’m kind of with him on Boris and the Government though....

Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2021 16:54

*I don't know what to say."

"After a lot of thought, I have come to realise that our relationship isn't working for me and it no longer makes me happy. I wish you the best, but I'm ending it."

Ilovecreamycoffee · 15/03/2021 16:57

Our sex life took a dive after he proposed. I think we had sex about 3 times in 2019. I was relieved when lockdown came last year because I enjoyed taking my crochet to bed because people weren't allow visit other households.

I forgot to mention that in the original post. The idea of ever sleeping with him or having him touch me with his hands ever again makes my skin crawl.

OP posts:
TheBigBazookasOfBrendaBurgess · 15/03/2021 17:00

This thread is making my head hurt.

OP, others have suggested nice ways to call it a day.

I can't actually imagine there's anyone who wouldn't be repulsed by poor hygiene. However, I would find it almost as hard to have a relationship with someone who lectured me about the Covid Rules.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2021 17:01

Every reason you've listed alone is enough to end a relationship over. You've got a laundry list. This relationship doomed.

MintLampShade · 15/03/2021 17:02

Definitely end it. Yikes! I wouldn't invite him to my place though, It's my safe place and I'd be too worried it will get awkward. Maybe go for a walk with him or if you can, do it over the phone...Obviously it's only you that knows whether the end of this relationship deserves a face to face. But definitely no need to justify or explain yourself, just tel him that your heart is not in this relationship anymore and it's over and nothing he can say or do will change your mind. Good luck Thanks

Gwenhwyfar · 15/03/2021 17:05

I have a runny nose almost all year - wind in winter and allergies in spring. Doesn't mean I have Covid! I have a tissue on me most of the time though.

TechnoDino · 15/03/2021 17:05

Just tell him it’s not working for you. If he pushes for a reason, simply tell him that you’d much rather crochet than have sex with him.. Just finish it, it’s already completely over for you.

altmember · 15/03/2021 17:08

After 3 years together, I think you owe him a bit more than just "sorry it's not working out". You don't have to tell him every little reason though, so maybe skirt around some of the more personal stuff if you don't want to raise it with him. You could just say lockdown has changed your perspective on the relationship and you no longer feel that you're a compatible couple?

NotSeenBulling · 15/03/2021 17:13

I would also send a text or more likely an email. I think it should be nice but not detailed. State that you have both changed and that you feel you are no longer suited as long term partners and that you are sorry you are doing it by email but think it's best.

Make sure you get all your stuff first though ; )

Gwenhwyfar · 15/03/2021 17:18

@NotSeenBulling

I would also send a text or more likely an email. I think it should be nice but not detailed. State that you have both changed and that you feel you are no longer suited as long term partners and that you are sorry you are doing it by email but think it's best.

Make sure you get all your stuff first though ; )

I think it's really cowardly not to do it face-to-face! Only acceptable if the person is abusive.
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/03/2021 17:21

Tbh l think you sound really nit picky.

Maybe he didn’t know you had a tissue when his nose was running? Why didn’t you offer him it?

Dry mouth can be caused by medication not necessarily bad hygiene

Everyone is bored and unhappy with lockdown, what’s difficult to understand about that?

‘I had to ask him to step back’ maybe he forgot? Or didn’t realise?

Just end it. You don’t sound compatible in any way. He’s not right for you and you sound like quite hard work.

willibald · 15/03/2021 17:23

Your only mistake was not dumping him much sooner.

You don't owe him face-to-face or a chance to step up because I can promise you he will NEVER change. Dumping him is important because otherwise this will be the rest of your life, with him backsliding and being a minging kipper cock.

What Aquamarine wrote is perfectly acceptable.

And please, just do not date anymore until you do some serious work on your boundaries and sticking to them.

This man is revolting. I'd be afraid to catch lice from him.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/03/2021 17:23

" You could just say lockdown has changed your perspective on the relationship and you no longer feel that you're a compatible couple?"

That's totally meaningless. Tell him the truth!

willibald · 15/03/2021 17:26

@altmember

After 3 years together, I think you owe him a bit more than just "sorry it's not working out". You don't have to tell him every little reason though, so maybe skirt around some of the more personal stuff if you don't want to raise it with him. You could just say lockdown has changed your perspective on the relationship and you no longer feel that you're a compatible couple?
No one is owed anything.

And cut the 'good man' guilt. He was on his best behaviour and then the real him came out. This is who he is. A minger.

willibald · 15/03/2021 17:27

@Gwenhwyfar

" You could just say lockdown has changed your perspective on the relationship and you no longer feel that you're a compatible couple?"

That's totally meaningless. Tell him the truth!

Why? Then he'll just make promises to change. And the truth is that they are polar opposites of each other, OP's direct words, he has a negative attitude she doesn't like, and they are incompatible. On top of his being a filthy slattern.
Swipe left for the next trending thread