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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Poor hygiene is a deal breaker for me

59 replies

Ilovecreamycoffee · 15/03/2021 16:38

I met my partner a number of years ago. I can't remember how far we were into our relationship when he started going to bed without brushing his teeth. I wasn't happy about that. In the mornings, I don't think he spent appropriate time brushing his teeth.
He was in the bathroom and back out again within a minute or so. I never timed him but definitely he was far too quick for my kind of liking especially considering no night time brush beforehand. It wasn't a nice habit.
Other hygiene habits have taken a dive over the past year with him. He doesn't smell bad but there is an issue. Sometimes when we meet his clothes are filthy. His hair was greasy too many times when we met.

I can remember one time when we met up, I think he had a runny nose. I thought at the time - 'WTF, what if that was the start of a covid infection for him'. For example if I had a runny nose, I think I would isolate until tested. We were walking along and what I witnessed him doing next, repulsed me greatly. He took his hand and he brought it to his nose and he wiped his nose all along the back of his hand all along his arm. It repulsed me so much. Why didn't he just ask me for a tissue?

We met over the weekend and I noticed while he was talking, every time he talked and opened his mouth, there was a film of thick saliva moving with his opened mouth. That would tell me he's not brushing his teeth or his a has a dry mouth. I gave him a fresh bottle of water that he didn't use.

All of this is a huge deal breaker for. Not only all of this poor hygiene there's new issues beginning to arise now too. He's very negative and he likes to mock the the prime minister and his name as if that adds anything constructive to a political chat. Something new now too is that, he is bored and unhappy with the lockdown and the guidelines and he doesnt want to follow them any more. Not only that but he did his owe little protest at the weekend and ignored the social distancing guidelines and nearly stood right up against another person's back in a queue. I had to ask him to step back. We are polar opposites now of each other. I think it's so important to follow the guidelines to protect yourself and others too. He's is now going to place himself into more risky situations and more risk of contracting the virus without a care in the world for others and for spreading it onwards.

He has no patience driving on the road and he lacks respect for other road users too. This is a pet peeve for me. He's driving around as if he owns the roads.

The man was a good man before and to some degree he still has a lot of good about him but there is the poor hygiene issues, it's a deal breaker for me. Not only the hygiene issues but his poor attitude towards others like other road users and his poor attitude towards the covid public health guidelines.

I would like to finish this relationship. I was never a dumper before. It was always done to me. How do I go about doing this. I wasn't in the mood for seeing him yesterday and I just made excuses against seeing him. They weren't excuses either. I did spend the day doing some home exercising.

OP posts:
GettingUntrapped · 15/03/2021 17:29

So many stereotypes here. It seems unreal.

goldielockdown2 · 15/03/2021 17:30

He sounds fucking rancid
'It's become apparent we are not compatible, I'm ending the relationship. I don't want to be with you' or 'I don't want to be with you'.
You don't owe him a relationship because you think he's fundamentally good! I wouldn't be seen in the street with someone like this, no offence. I'd be embarrassed.

EarringsandLipstick · 15/03/2021 17:31

The idea of ever sleeping with him or having him touch me with his hands ever again makes my skin crawl.

This is a truly ridiculous thread. 🙄

These feelings didn't just happen. By your own accounts, for a long time now you haven't been attracted to him, for good reason.

Yet you stay, engaged ffs, to a man who repulses you, and need help to end it?

Give me strength. All of the previous posts provide suggested text; use those. I would do it f2f tho, not just by text. You were engaged to be married - it's cruel to end it by text.

Then figure out what a relationship means to you - it's sure as hell not staying with someone with awful hygiene who ultimately disgusts you.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 15/03/2021 17:35

My ExH had appalling hygiene and it was such a relief when he left, the constantly stinking breath and BO really used to get me down.
And he wondered why I didn't want sex anymore - didn't matter how many times I told him he just did not listen.
I remember one trip to Cormwall his breath was so bad the whole car stunk, 6 hours of not being able to breath through my nose.
Never again.

Carbara · 15/03/2021 17:36

Oh just dump him, who cares.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/03/2021 17:52

"Why? Then he'll just make promises to change. And the truth is that they are polar opposites of each other, OP's direct words, he has a negative attitude she doesn't like, and they are incompatible. On top of his being a filthy slattern."

And she'll say she's finishing it anyway.
It's cruel to finish with someone without giving a reason. How can they move on?

Alreadyinmypyjamas · 15/03/2021 18:00

I wish I hadn't read this while eating my tea.

willibald · 15/03/2021 18:21

@Gwenhwyfar

"Why? Then he'll just make promises to change. And the truth is that they are polar opposites of each other, OP's direct words, he has a negative attitude she doesn't like, and they are incompatible. On top of his being a filthy slattern."

And she'll say she's finishing it anyway.
It's cruel to finish with someone without giving a reason. How can they move on?

Easily. You accept the relationship ended due to incompatibility and so you go on to find someone who's more suitable, in his case, there's some special skank out there who can't wait to share her bed with another rancid unwashed body. Grin
willibald · 15/03/2021 18:22

@Alreadyinmypyjamas

I wish I hadn't read this while eating my tea.
😂
sunnyzweibrucken · 15/03/2021 19:27

my lord woman, i don't see how you've dealt with this for so long. i was grossed out reading this.

just tell him that although you care for him and he's a nice man that you feel as that you've grown apart from each other. then wish him luck and move on.

DorisLessingsCat · 15/03/2021 19:31

You're ENGAGED to a man who you can't stand the thought of having sex with? Are you insane? Grin

NotSeenBulling · 15/03/2021 19:41

I think a text or an email is adequate for someone that snots up their sleeve in front of another person. Normal people stopped doing that when they were five years old FFS!

Who the frigging hell is raising men like this?

Ilovecreamycoffee · 15/03/2021 19:42

He wasn't always a dirt bag. He made some effort before.

OP posts:
Ilovecreamycoffee · 15/03/2021 19:44

Notseebulling

😂😂😂

That's so funny. He dragged his nose all along his hand and up his arm. It was disgusting.

OP posts:
Zubla · 15/03/2021 19:45

This is a wind up right?

Babyboomtastic · 15/03/2021 19:54

If course you need to end it, but a 3 year relationship which includes engagement shouldn't be ended by text or email, but face to face.

RandomMess · 15/03/2021 20:10

Well you need to arrange to meet up. Then you need to get to the point and say that you've realised this isn't the relationship for you anymore.

Handover your engagement ring and any other belongings that he's left at yours.

If he asks why be kind but honest "I can't share my life with someone that takes so little care of themselves"

EarthSight · 15/03/2021 20:16

He has no patience driving on the road and he lacks respect for other road users too. This is a pet peeve for me. He's driving around as if he owns the roads

He is a good person

Mmmm.......no. Those two sentences aren't very compatible. You can tell a lot about someone from their driving - about their patience, their respect (or lack of) for others, about their sense of risk and arrogance. You literally hold other people's lives in your your hands when you are on the road.

He sounds like he's a pushy twat who's the type to jump queues but would get in a rage if anyone did it to them. He doesn't really sound like he care much for others, so don't be surprised if he doesn't care much for you. It will only get worse in time as he gets more confident and comfortable.

Don't listen to @ArseInTheCoOpWindow . You are not being nitpicky. You are repulsed by him on top of the other issues. Maybe you should send him her way?

EarthSight · 15/03/2021 20:20

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My ExH had appalling hygiene and it was such a relief when he left, the constantly stinking breath and BO really used to get me down. And he wondered why I didn't want sex anymore - didn't matter how many times I told him he just did not listen. I remember one trip to Cormwall his breath was so bad the whole car stunk, 6 hours of not being able to breath through my nose. Never again.
That sounds awful. BO is often caused by men not changing their clothes or washing often enough, so at least they might be able to change it if they want to. Bad breath is harder to tackle though. Horrible! @shehasadiamondinthesky
Sexnotgender · 15/03/2021 20:21

Gads, get rid🤢

Haffiana · 15/03/2021 20:40

I was relieved when lockdown came last year because I enjoyed taking my crochet to bed because people weren't allow visit other households.

This thread is quite literally unbelievable.

NicelySpicy · 15/03/2021 20:50

Mentally you’re already gone so just do the right thing and tell him. Doesn’t matter how, just do it and quickly so he can move on.

Jesus he sounds grim though Envy not envy

Regularsizedrudy · 15/03/2021 20:54

Oh my god just dump him it’s really not that complex. You keep saying things are “deal breakers” but you’re still sticking around and putting up with them!

grapewine · 15/03/2021 20:57

@Regularsizedrudy

Oh my god just dump him it’s really not that complex. You keep saying things are “deal breakers” but you’re still sticking around and putting up with them!
This!

Just end it. You think he's disgusting.

Tell him your feelings have changed and you have made up your mind, nothing he can say. Done.

grapewine · 15/03/2021 20:58

Maybe crocheting isn't his thing, and he'll actually be relieved. Who knows?

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