If you know it's over but haven't split yet...

[scaredsadandstuck]

...what is it like in your house? I'm talking about if you've come to the conclusion it's over but for whatever reason haven't vocalised it so your OH isn't aware of how you feel (I guess also where there isn't active abuse)?

Do you still have moments of ok-ness where you chat about normal stuff or enjoy a TV show together or do you completely stay away from your partner/husband as much as possible?

Once I've come to that conclusion I'm out of there ASAP. I couldn't live like that.

I came to the conclusion Friday night, but I've been 90% there for the last month or so. Today has been hell.

Trying to pretend everything is normal is so hard. You find yourself slipping in to normal but then you remember all the crap that's going on and it hits you like a tonne of bricks every time.

Before I'd made my final decision it was easy to talk about day to day stuff and ignore the rest. This weekend I've done everything I possibly can to avoid spending time with him. The guilt towards the kids has been unbearable

I have been there for the last year or so. It is like living hell. I mean we talk and even go for walks and stuff but deep inside I am screaming "let me out of here"!!!!!!!!

I’ve been wanting out for well over a year but can’t quite find the words to say it. I know I’ll regret this when it finally happens. We’re mostly ok but when he goes in his huffs, it’s just silent treatment. But then will go back to normal as if nothing has happened. I can do the being ok for the kids but I just can’t bring myself to be intimate or affectionate even though he tries. I doubt he’s aware of how I cause I’ve put up with him for so long but in my head I’m already single.

I've been wanting to call it quits for a long time too and it's intensified a lot recently. In my head we're done. But of course after 20 odd years you don't just switch off the day to day normal that you are used to. I'm finding it very hard - to get up the courage to say what I want, to not think "oh but it's not that bad", to not just let things drift for another year, or five, or ten....

pharmgirl88 reading your post it sounds like I wrote it myself. My DH is the same. We never fight like normal people we just stop talking for a while. After some time we just go back to "normal". We had some conversations around our relationship and he was surprised, he said he did not think that it was that bad. We have been together 25 years and for him not to be able to see that I am not happy is exactly the proof of how bad it is. I have had the conversation with him in my head million times already, but have not had the courage to say it out loud. The pandemic and him loosing his job does not help. I feel like a trapped animal. I am afraid that I will get seriously ill, that is how badly I have been feeling.

OP I am in the same boat. I have been with my husband for 25 years, for at least 15 I have not been happy. I am middle aged now and suddenly it has come to me that I do not want to live like that anymore. I want to be happy, relaxed, content. I want to live my life my way. No matter how many more years I have left I want it to be my life. But it is hard, the more time goes by the harder it gets. Also, we have three children. The guilt is the worse.

When do you intend to vocalise that you are separating?

If you let it drag on too long you might regret it

@BrilliantBetty

When do you intend to vocalise that you are separating?

If you let it drag on too long you might regret it

I know. I completely know this. I don't know how to explain why I can't do what I want to do. It's pathetic really.

It’s not pathetic... none of us would be in this position if we could explain it. Life is too short to feel like this, hope we all find the strength/courage to walk away and be happy

What I mean is more.. are the practical, logistical things what's making it hard, something we could potentially help you find a solution for, or a specific reason, or something else?

Totally can relate to this! I have vocalised it though, then lockdown happened and we have just sort of muddled along, with no further discussion on either side!
To me the problem is emotional, in that we don’t argue, we coparent fairly well, we have children to think of, we just no longer have any intimacy between us..and that seems such a selfish reason to upend everyone for!
And it’s not even like I want anyone else, I just dont want to live a lie the rest of my life..but I think he is ok with it..so ending a 20 year marriage seems I don’t know too dramatic an action, does that make sense!?

Completely makes sense @Torres10 - it's horrible isn't it

@BrilliantBetty - ah I see what you mean. No it's not really anything practical. It's the emotional aspects really. The hurt it will cause, the disruption etc, especially when there isn't anything day to day that is awful.

@scaredsadandstuck

Can I ask, have you considered ending your marriage previously? Say 1/5/10 years ago and then carried on but still feel the same?

I've only been married 6 years. We could carry on with day to day chat for years for the sake of the children. But is it worth it?

Our problems are a little more severe than not talking etc and I feel like I'm failing the children by considering walking away

Yes I've been thinking about it for a long time sadly. Lockdown and the past year have bought things into sharper focus though.

[quote whatdooidoo]@scaredsadandstuck

Can I ask, have you considered ending your marriage previously? Say 1/5/10 years ago and then carried on but still feel the same?

I've only been married 6 years. We could carry on with day to day chat for years for the sake of the children. But is it worth it?

Our problems are a little more severe than not talking etc and I feel like I'm failing the children by considering walking away [/quote]
You are failing them by staying. You're not in a healthy relationship to model to your children.

@scaredsadandstuck it’s not pathetic.

Sorry, no useful advice to add but adding solidarity. I could have written some of these posts. I am checked out of my marriage, have been since before lockdown. Nothing awful, I just don’t feel the same way as I did 18 years ago and it’s resolute, it won’t change. Horrible situation as you spend a lot of time feeling guilty, it’s so unhealthy.

Thanks for the solidarity. It does help to know you're not alone in this kind of messed up situation. Can I ask what's holding you back from saying/doing something?

My H is downstairs right now. I could just go down and tell him I want to split but I know I won't. We'll spend the day barely speaking - not in a particularly 'bad atmosphere' way, but just barely speaking. This evening we'll have dinner in front of the TV like always, and we'll maybe have some shared experience/conversation about what we're watching that will be pleasant enough - even funny - and I'll think how we do like the same things really, it's not that awful, all the while waiting for it to be 10pm so I can reasonably take myself off to bed and enjoy a bit of time to myself.

@scaredsadandstuck, sorry if I missed it but do you have children?

Ultimately that’s what’s stopping me. 2 of mine are teenagers so being in lockdown means that there is never an opportunity to have that kind of conversation. Although I am also aware that I may be using that as a kind of excuse because I’m just scared of such a big change, and scared of hurting my children.
I have broached it a couple of times back last year but it’s just like those conversations haven’t happened and we’re back to plodding along as normal.

What do you think is stopping you?

It's quiet. A year ago I was still desperately trying to improve things, there were talks and tears (on my part). Since then I have come to terms with the fact that it just isn't going to work, and he isn't interested in investing any effort. We talk about the children, food shopping, paying bills. The last time we physically touched each other was when he bumped into me while I was emptying the dishwasher.

I think he probably thinks things have improved, because we don't argue anymore. He is quite happy spending every evening doing whatever he does in the study, he knows I spend every evening alone and isn't bothered. If asked he would probably have no idea how unhappy I am - even though I have told him so many times in the past.

There are so many days where I feel I could just go and tell him it is over, but due to caring responsibilities I couldn't actually go anywhere at this time so why make things tense for no actual benefit.

@Chaos2021 Yes two DC - one secondary one in primary. I know exactly what you mean about lockdown making it hard to have the conversation - although today H is home and kids are at school so in theory we could. And yes it's partly the kids stopping me, although I know it isn't really what my H wants to happen either so I feel awful about hurting him.

@MerlinsSaggyLeftTit so sorry, it's lonely isn't it. And horrible to feel that you are trapped too.

@scaredsadandstuck yes I feel exactly the same, I know this is not what my H wants either and it makes me feel like a horrible person.
We are both key workers so out at work every day so there really is no opportunity. Have you thought about future plans, eg. how the separation would work, who would move out etc?

@Chaos2021 - a bit (currently on the 'bird nesting' thread on AIBU).

Financially I don't know how we would be able to get two houses big enough for the kids to swap between. H is key worker and has shifts to factor in, but I would want, and I think he would too, to get as near to 50/50 childcare as possible. It would need to be over a four week period to accommodate his rota pattern.

My current plan would be to find a small flat for H and I to swap in and out of in the short term - maybe a year. Not ideal longer term, but I guess we'd then need to look very carefully at money and the feasibility of us selling up and buying our own places. Alternatively, he has a very nice pension that will give him a lump sum plus a good annual income. It may be I could keep the house (or most of the equity) and he keeps his pension. I've heard that kind of clean break divorce is more common these days. Maybe he'd be able to rent somewhere big enough to have the kids on his salary, but I feel it's unlikely as it's very expensive where we live. Even if I 'kept' the house I'd need to sell up and buy somewhere smaller to afford the mortgage.

I'm not a key worker but I work in the public sector so no big incomes for either of us.

@MerlinsSaggyLeftTit I just wish he can leave so that I can exhale... I feel like I took a breath 25 years ago and have been holding it this whole time. I know that when we finally separate it will be hard. I am very emotional, have anxiety and get panic attacks all the time. I know I will feel guilty and horrible. However, I also know that it will feel like a huge weight has been lifted of my shoulders. I know it, and I wish it. I wish it so much it hurts. I am just such a coward. Like you say, it seems to easy to simply turn to him and say it, but my mouth is shut and I feel like my heart will jump out of my chest. I am frozen.