If you know it's over but haven't split yet...

[scaredsadandstuck]

...what is it like in your house? I'm talking about if you've come to the conclusion it's over but for whatever reason haven't vocalised it so your OH isn't aware of how you feel (I guess also where there isn't active abuse)?

Do you still have moments of ok-ness where you chat about normal stuff or enjoy a TV show together or do you completely stay away from your partner/husband as much as possible?

@loveyourself2020 - I feel like a total coward. I know that it is not fair on him, on our DC or on me to carry on like this, but I'm not brave enough to vocalise how I feel. I'm so sorry to hear about your anxiety and panic attacks. Do you get any help for them?

@scaredsadandstuck
@scaredsadandstuck
I was always an anxious person, but it gets worse when there is an issue going on. I am not getting anything for it at the moment, but I am seeing a counselor. I really wanted us to go to couples’ therapy, this was last year, but my husband told me that he was not comfortable with it, so I started going by myself. It helps having that “safe space” where I can at least say what I want out loud.

@loveyourself2020 - My H also turned down couples therapy (and getting his own therapy). But now I don't even want to do that - I (childishly) think he's missed his chance. It sucks.

@scaredsadandstuck
I know what you mean. Even last year when I offered him to go to therapy I did not think that it would change anything really and now even if he would want to go (but he does not) I would not want to go with him. Over the years I tried talking to him, to tell him what I need, what I want, how I feel, but he simply would not listen and would not be wiling to change. He thinks that he is great and that there is nothing he needs to do different, that I am being ungrateful and picky. Of course, after some time, it became harder for me to even start a conversation because I knew that it would not solve anything. Every time I bring something up he becomes defensive and then shuts up. After days, sometimes weeks of silent treatment we will start talking again as if nothing happened. But nothing has been solved, just swiped under the rug. These things pile up, you know, they do not go away. Inside me there is a pile of unresolved issues. When I start thinking about it or talking about it, it is like an avalanche. It is overwhelming.

I completely know what you mean. I used to believe that by voicing my hurt or what I need, or explaining how certain behaviour impacted on me, that would help to change things. Not to change HIM, but to change a behaviour. But over time I've shut up because there is no point. My H doesn't think he's great, to be fair, but because his self esteem is so fragile he can't take any criticism really - or sees any think I say that is vaguely negative as a huge slur on him. It's draining.

@scaredsadandstuck it sounds like you’ve given the next steps lots of thought and have some kind of plan, that’s positive. Again, sorry if I missed this but have you ever had a conversation with him about it? Does he know/have an idea about how you might be feeling?

@loveyourself2020 I really feel for you. What you are saying really resonates with me, I also feel frozen, like I can’t get the words out, but it sounds like this is all taking a real toll on your mental health. It sounds like you’ve really tried, I hope you fine the courage to make a change.

@Chaos2021 - we have spoken in the past but no, to be fair, not recently. The last time we spoke about how things were between us I suggested he look into getting his own therapy (I was doing therapy at the time - or maybe had recently finished) . He said he would but if he has, I don't know about it. My point to him at that time was I felt that the issues he's carrying with him from his childhood - which definitely are painful and difficult - need to be addressed so that we can move forward on a more equal footing and so he isn't terrified of being abandoned, he's confident that he's ok as he is, and isn't hyper sensitive to any negative comment from me. The problem with being with someone like that is that you can only be sympathetic for so long before you feel more like its a parent child relationship.

@scaredsadandstuck that does sound draining. I wish I had some advice or pearls of wisdom!

I guess it’s about being brave and taking some control, it sounds like your mind is made up and there’s no going back.

How old are your children? How do you think they will react? (By the way I’m sure they will adjust whatever happens, but I worry about it a lot)

I'm frozen too. I have been for years. And ten minutes ago he suggested booking a caravan holiday for October, and I said ok. It's the last thing I want to do, but I just say yes ok. And now I can hear him getting stressed over the online booking system. I do not want this anymore. I've told him how I feel, but he still wants to go on caravan weekends. I feel sick x

@Wakingup55643
I know what you mean. You are on autopilot. I have been doing this for years and suddenly last year, it is like I woke up. What am I doing? I am not happy! I do not want to continue living like this! These were my thoughts. And I did start counseling hoping to get some support in doing what I needed to do, but then Covid started…. It was a terrible timing for me. I did not feel like this was the right moment to start dealing with this at all, but it is also making it worse. Cooped up at home with him day after day for a year. Right now, it is the most bizarre situation where I pretend all is normal but inside… I am already divorced.
Also, my husband too seems to be clueless. When I told him last year how I feel and where I was at (we did have one conversation about it), he was so surprised. He told me he though we had solid marriage. “Solid marriage”!!?? This just confirmed to me how disassociated he was from me and my feelings. My husband, a man I spent 25 years with, does not see how unhappy I am.!?

That precipice of knowing you need to leave a marriage, whilst still clinging on in fear, is the most exhausting place to live.

I felt like I had a split personality- the voice in my head, and the voice that spoke to him. I think even three years later I'm not quite over that experience.

@waytheleaveswork
Exactly. I feel like I am loosing my mind. I honestly feel like I will get seriously ill, that this situation is poisoning both my mind and my body.

@loveyourself2020
I hear you. I think our capacity for survival (both physical and emotional) is so strong and it'll kick you into leaving when you're ready. Things take the time they take!

@Wakingup55643 and @loveyourself2020 don't know what to say really but I want you to know that I get it.

My DC are 13 and 9. I think my big one will find it much harder than the younger one. I would hope we can find a way to still be part of the same family even if we don't all live under the same roof.

What about everyone else? Do you all have a plan (or even just a daydream)?

@waytheleaveswork

That precipice of knowing you need to leave a marriage, whilst still clinging on in fear, is the most exhausting place to live.

I felt like I had a split personality- the voice in my head, and the voice that spoke to him. I think even three years later I'm not quite over that experience.

Gosh this is so true. Thank you. I'm glad you made it out

@scaredsadandstuck
I have three kids, 22, 19 and 16 and they all live with us. I would like to stay in the house with my children as I still really enjoy doing things for them and with them, while my husband “cannot wait for them to leave”. I have no idea how they would react, and I am terrified of it. Their reaction of course would hurt the most. We do not own the house, it is a rental though. We do not have much to share, just a little savings we managed to collect over the years. I have a decent job and think that I would be able to support myself and the kids a little longer as they all work too, more or less.
I too wish that we are both honest with each other and that he admits to me that he is also not happy, I mean how can he be if I am not. We could sit down and talk about best solution for all of us, but I have a bad feeling that that is not going to happen. He will not give me what I want. He will fight with me for every little thing even if it does not mean to him so much. Maybe I am wrong. Time will tell.

Honestly please please tell them. This was me 4 years ago. Eventually we talked about it about 3 years ago. He wasn’t surprised. We worked at it for 6 months and even booked a luxury holiday but whilst on that it became clear we couldn’t go on and on the penultimate day of the holiday I just blurted out that when we got back it was time to end it. He agreed. It was very sad. But now we are both happy with other people and happy for each other. Please just take a deep breath and do it. If you are in the process of booking a holiday I think it’s the perfect time - tell him you don’t feel you should and why

Really interesting. I'm in a similar situation but it isn't anxiety keeping us all here, it's practicalities. I checked out 3 years ago due to a variety of communication and connection problems that never hot resolved and eventually I just got worn out trying. We haven't been intimate since and sleep in different rooms. But I haven't made the final move, initially out if hope that living as housemates would be the motivation he needed (it isn't), and then because tbh we've just settled into it. We get on fine. He does lots around the house. I'm the earner. The two big factors for me are that there's no way I'm putting the kids through a split and a nomadic childhood for the sake of a marginal happiness gain for me (there's no abuse or fighting going on so they'd just be sadder and poorer), and I'm buggered if I'm going to lose the house I worked so hard for and I can't buy him out. So here we are, and I don't know what would swing it out of this stale rut.

I'm sorry that others are in similar over-but-not-over marriages. Hoping for positive resolutions for us all!

My children are 17,14 and 7. We rent our home at the moment and I couldn’t afford it by myself so would have to move at some point. I have a good job and could hopefully afford something smaller, although we live in a quite expensive area.
I don’t envisage a 50/50 contact arrangement, I certainly wouldn’t want that. H works long hours and although he’s a great dad, he’s the type that could take them out and have fun but clueless about day too day stuff. Doesn’t get involved in school stuff or anything like that. It used to annoy me but I like it that way now as we have very separate roles.

@scaredandstuck Mine are 13 and 9 too. And I also think the youngest would cope better. And yeah I am also hanging on the precipice where I've checked out, already separated in my mind, but still here. I can't seem to get past it. He knows how unhappy I am. I hardly welcomed the holiday announcement with celebrations, I gave him the look of 'if I have to go along with it, I will.' Here I am standing in the kitchen for no reason except not to be in the living room. I hate living this way, but can't seem to do anything about it. It's like being stuck in concrete. X

Oh God. And now he's got his song writing analysis thing on you tube. Talking about one song for ages and ages. I fucking hate it. But I feel it's unreasonable to go in there and say 'I fucking hate this.' It's nothing, but it makes my whole chest tighten up, I'm so frustrated with everything :(

@waytheleaveswork and @loveyourself2020 Split personality / losing my mind. I totally feel like this. I can be myself at work, and it's a relief to be there. I can have a laugh and a chat with my mates and it's great. When I'm at home I am so happy with the kids and have a laugh with them too. But with him I barely speak a word. He thinks I'm being weird and miserable, but he is making me this way. I feel exhausted and almost ill. The worst thing (apart from the obvious horrible serious things) about this lockdown is that he is in the house all the time. He used to go out often, and that was the relief I needed to keep going. But now that relief has gone and I'm worn down to nothing. But he can't see it! Absolutely blind to it!

And the irony of it is, the bloody song goes, "I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does. . . "

The last 18 months before I left I couldn't bear to be in the same room as my husband, if he was downstairs I was upstairs, I found any excuse to be out of the house, made excuses why I didn't come home between finishing work & picking ds up from school, invited me & ds to tea at my mums, we had a caravan that we used most weekends & I used to invent works nights out so I could have Friday night at home on my own. It took him doing something I couldn't forgive him for to make me snap. I had met my dp but wasn't in a relationship with him & after he did the unforgiveable I stopped feeling guilty & got to know dp better. Within a week I had left my husband, it was like learning to breathe again, I had lost over 5 stone in the last 6 months of my marriage through stress & being unhappy, I never regretted it once, even though we were living in a grotty 1 bedroom flat. There comes a point where you stop caring & really that is the point to end things because there is no going back.