If you know it's over but haven't split yet...

[scaredsadandstuck]

...what is it like in your house? I'm talking about if you've come to the conclusion it's over but for whatever reason haven't vocalised it so your OH isn't aware of how you feel (I guess also where there isn't active abuse)?

Do you still have moments of ok-ness where you chat about normal stuff or enjoy a TV show together or do you completely stay away from your partner/husband as much as possible?

@Wakingup55643
I completely understand you. 100%. I am by nature very happy person. When I was a young woman I was always smiling, singing and making jokes. My husband is completely opposite. Just to be clear, he is not abusive, not physically or verbally at least, maybe emotionally, yes. But just his personality is such that he killed (or I allowed him to) my spirit. I became grumpy old woman and I hate that. When I am alone with kids, or with friends, just like you described yourself, I am completely different person. As soon as he comes in, I shut up. That makes me so sad. He seems to not care or not see, I do not know, but as long as I am quiet and not complaining he thinks that all is well.

@scaredsadandstuck
Oh it's a horrible place to be, feeling stuck, knowing you need to say those words but not being able to.

After feeling that way for ages I eventually managed to spit it out and after 20 odd years together we split up last year.

I would say, if you know, you know. It's time to go. I put off and put off, and it was horrible anyway, it was always going to be horrible so I should have just done it and we'd have both been free when we were a bit younger!

I was ready to tell my husband that I want a divorce. I had a date planned, I had a speech ready and I was in such a good place, when the news came that his mom died... of suicide....
Of course I am devastated, I really liked his mom and I am so sorry for him, but I could not help to think to myself, I can never leave him now. What kind of a monster would leave her husband after a tragedy like that.

Oh no @loveyourself2020 how awful. I'm so sorry about your MIL. Had she been unwell with mental health problems for a while?

And I am also sorry that this clearly complicates your plan to separate. I am not sure what to say, other than I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it doesn't have mean you can never say your piece or separate from him. But I agree you can't do anything but support your husband and kids at the moment.

@scaredsadandstuck
She has been living with mental illness for decades now, but she has never been suicidal. I mean, no one knows yet how she died as she did live alone. Someone might have pushed her, she might have trying to do something and fell, because she is also in a wheelchair and we cannot figure out how she would manage to climb onto the window. Police, when they called us suggested that it looked like a suicide. But the whole situation feels like a movie of some sort, not real at all. Anyway, I hope you are in a better place right now. Keep us posted.

@scaredsadandstuck
I wonder how you are doing these days. I am in a weird place. Tons of very difficult and scary stuff is happening in my home, I almost feel like we were cursed. It is like suddenly this big black cloud just engulfed us all. I am not in a good place but trying my best. My DH is coming back in a few days from his mom's funeral, and while I really want to give him all the love and support he needs right now, I also feel like I need to keep certain boundaries because I cannot go back to where we where just a year ago. But how do I do this? How about you? How are you holding up? If it is easier feel free to send me a direct message. I feel like we both could use some extra support.

@scaredsadandstuck
What is going on, I worry about you? BTW I did it. I told my DH I wanted to separate (eventually, when he is back on his feet). It felt good for a while but now it is hard (only few days later) being together in the house. Have not told our DC or anyone else, so it is crazy. I know that I can make it work, but I feel guilty for DH and DCs.

Awful, awful, awful, and I can't wait to leave.

We are selling our house, because we need to move closer to support for our DD who has SEN.

Once it's sold, I'm going back to my parents temporarily with the DC, then buying my own place, which I am starting to get in motion. He has no idea about this. In between shouting at me to do whatever x, y, and z that he feels the woman of the house should do, or telling me I'm lazy, he gives me the silent treatment, then in the next breath talks about how we need to buy the cheapest house possible for the future.

I earn more than twice his wage (he earns well too), so I can afford to buy a more expensive property on my own than he is prepared to buy jointly, in any case us buying together isn't on the cards.

I plan to tell him it's completely over when the house is sold and we're safely ensconced at my parents, as don't want him to jeopardise the sale (he is the type of person who would easily cut off his nose to spite his face, plus it's bye bye to cushy life).

I'm dreaming of the relief I will feel when I no longer have to bend and bend and bend, and get nothing from the relationship. Wondering what kind of mood he will be in of an evening. The moment I decided I'd had enough was like a light had gone on in my head.

[quote loveyourself2020]@scaredsadandstuck
What is going on, I worry about you? BTW I did it. I told my DH I wanted to separate (eventually, when he is back on his feet). It felt good for a while but now it is hard (only few days later) being together in the house. Have not told our DC or anyone else, so it is crazy. I know that I can make it work, but I feel guilty for DH and DCs.[/quote]
Oh gosh I'm sorry I missed your posts. Thank you so much for thinking of me. Well done for saying something. I am sure it feels very hard right now but you've done the right thing. I wish I was as brave and strong. Things here are much the same. We're just ticking along in a state of 'meh'.

@Starseekingtar - that sounds horrible. To be fair to my H he is not aggressive towards me or anything like - if anything he's the opposite, very passive. I'm glad you've got a plan though. Good luck!

We split after 20 odd years. The kids were very, very sad and although I had lots of great plans about how it was going to work out and keeping things grown up, it just didn't happen. Apparently life doesn't follow a script.
Two years on and the guilt is crushing. Sometimes I feel so tired and fed up and the hurt caused to everyone is devastating. I am less restricted, my life has taken directions I never dreamed of and everything is very different. Is it worth it? Who knows.
The grass isn't greener, it's just different grass!

@scaredsadandstuck
Glad to hear you are ok. My DH just texted me saying he may move out in Jul. Instead of being happy about it I told him he did not have to move until he is back on his feet. I know that it is best for us all to do this as quickly as possible but still. The guilt is killing me. I will keep you posted.