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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

All I have got for Mother’s Day....is a drunk husband

83 replies

MonaRoza · 14/03/2021 16:29

My husband isn’t good at buying cards, presents or flowers for special days. So I wasn’t expecting anything from him. But I was hoping for a day of peace. Instead he got annoyed at something first thing in the morning, starting to drink first thing in the morning. No surprise, drunk within couple of hours. And an argument follows as I am so upset with the situation. I have no question for you ladies, but just to say what an awful day, particularly on Mother’s Day 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
MonaRoza · 14/03/2021 18:02

@thethoughtfox yes there is, indeed. And no I don’t want my children to end up with emotional issues.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2021 18:04

With alcoholism there is no managing the situation and what you've tried to date has not worked. You can only help your own self ultimately. What makes you at all think you could at all manage this anyway?.

Your kids are stressed because they are picking up all too clearly on what is happening at home; its not a stable house nor is it the sanctuary it should be. Children are not daft and they pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken between their dad and you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2021 18:07

"And no I don’t want my children to end up with emotional issues".

Great.

Now prove it to both you and them that you mean it by getting this man out of your day to day lives. Seek legal advice for your own self re divorce; after all knowledge here is power.

Sstrongtn · 14/03/2021 18:08

Exactly, so if you can do it, he has zero excuse.

You need help to make him leave.

Notaroadrunner · 14/03/2021 18:17

[quote MonaRoza]**@sadie9* @justthecat*, I hear you. I don’t want my children to be scared, emotionally impacted. I just don’t feel strong enough...can you believe that I am a professional, working in a good job; used to leave on my own for several years before marrying him, an independent women. And even for me, that next step, is so so scary. I don’t feel that I have enough support network around me to keep me going...[/quote]
You don't have a support network in him anyway. At least if you get rid of him you will be in control of your life and will make it a whole lot better for your kids. As for blaming you and the kids on his alcoholism, that is the selfish nature of being an alcoholic - blaming everyone and everything else and not taking responsibility for being a complete fuck up by their own making.

You are well able to get back that independent woman who is craving to get out right now. Let this Mother's Day be the day you take your life back and start making plans to get the bastard out of your life.

LouHotel · 14/03/2021 18:45

Oh op, its horrible weather where I live and the idea your sat in a cold park for hours to get respite for him...

Please please let this be your turning point and seek help from AA or women's aid. What he is doing is abusive and you don't have to spend the rest of life thinking you need to save him because truthfully that good man doesn't exist anymore.

Aknifewith16blades · 14/03/2021 18:56

His behaviour is driving you and your kids from the house in the middle of a pandemic? No. Just no.

You know you are strong because you have to be strong to put up with that shit. Now it's time to move on.

Changemaname1 · 14/03/2021 19:01

Ah I remember these days good times . Not .

Ditch the selfish cunt

Goleor · 14/03/2021 19:04

As the sibling of an alcoholic, my heart goes out to you. I'd cross the road to avoid my sibling when they were drunk, being in the same room as them was hell, living with them would have been unimaginable. For yours and your children's sake , make this the last year you allow him to ruin an occasion. My family had 10 christmases ruined by my sibling , even if I stayed away from him I often had my mother on the phone sobbing that he was acting up. I left the country to get away from it. A lot of people underestimate the trauma involved in having a loved one with an addiction. Please get yourself some support

RedFrogsRule · 14/03/2021 19:08

@MonaRoza

He says we make him drink because the kids and I stress him out...the kids are not that old, so some of the stuff they do can be stressful but they are kids. It is not fair to put the blame on them or me. I am not saying I am perfect but I try to be a nice person...O even said to him several times maybe he should find himself somewhere else to live. If we really stress him and cause him to drink, then he can see if being away from us helps him...but he is still here...always a reason not to go. The pandemic, wasting money he could spend on our house, etc
Do him a favour then and leave Smile

It will be the best decision of your life so win, win. It will be the best decision for your children as well. I speak as someone who left it too late to do the same. My children suffered and have bad memories of the drunken tension, fear and misery. Please make the effort to leave. You won’t regret it

Easterbunnygettingready · 14/03/2021 19:14

You aren't responsible for your abusive dh's drinking.. You are however responsible for your dc's having to live with him..
My exh damaged my ds so much he still had therapy at 28..
We left before he was 7..

GreatTeaMonkey · 14/03/2021 19:15

You really aren’t doing your children a favour by staying. They will grow up copying the same patterns of behaviour.

pointythings · 14/03/2021 19:28

MonaRoza your kids will end up with emotional issues if you stay. That's a 100% certainty. Alcoholics only get worse - unless they end up with consequences for their actions. Leave him. Be a professional and a single mother. As someone who is out on the other side, I can honestly tell you that life without an alcoholic in it is infinitely better. It has been tough getting here, my DDs are not unmarked and I should have acted earlier, but I have zero regrets about ending my marriage.

My husband died before the decree nisi came through, alone in a crappy little flat, unemployed, having lost everything. That is how far your husband will drag you and your children, if you let him.

As a first step, contact one of these organisations alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/a-guide-to-family-support-services online to talk through your issues. They will help you find the strength to detach with love, set boundaries and learn that you can do it by yourself.

Original poster
MonaRoza · 14/03/2021 19:29

I want to say thank you to each one of you for taking the time to read my post and respond. It I so touching to see that you care for another human being, even though you have never met me. Some of you maybe a bit annoyed that I am not taking action now to get my kids out of this situation. And I hear you. As @Goleor said, addiction impacts not only the person but their family too. I feel caught up in a net that I know I have to come out of but trying to figure how to. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your suggestions and posts. You are all wonderful human beings for caring

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 14/03/2021 19:37

Please get rid of him. I can tell you the feeling you get when you get rid of an abusive husband is like no feeling on earth. Its just so wonderful waking up to peace, doing things you love and enjoying your children.
I've been there.
He isn't not good at cards and gifts he just cannot be bothered. Anyone can buy a card from a shop and leave it on the table.

Lochmorlich · 14/03/2021 19:37

@MonaRoza. Good luck, I hope you find the strength to make the best decision for your dc.

My grandfather was an alcoholic, he died when I was 2.
My dm’s childood didn’t just affect her, it affected the way she parented me and my siblings and to a very small extent has affected my own parenting. My dm over reacts to everything and I work hard on myself to stop me from being the same. Obviously this has slightly affected my own dc.
So it’s not just your dc if you stay but also your dgc and perhaps your dggc.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 14/03/2021 19:51

@MonaRoza

So many reasons why I am with him, so many. Biggest thing is that I think deep down he is a good man but he has massive emotional issues leading to these situations. I want to help, but, it doesn’t look like I am helping, if anything things are getting worse by day
You cannot "help" an alcoholic. They have to want to change themselves. You exist only as an excuse - you made me angry, so I drank. You hurt my feelings, so I drank. I worked hard for you and the kids so I drank to relax. And all the while your children are seeing this and learning.
  • Tip-toe around, don't make Dad mad.
  • Don't make any plans because Dad may not remember what he said we would do or he may get mad and say we aren't going.
-You can't trust what adults say, they lie.
  • When bad things happen, drinking makes it better.
Please don't let your children grow up with this kind of worldview.
Giraffey1 · 14/03/2021 19:55

You can’t help him, he has to help himself. Don’t put up with this, it is not going to get any better but you will get more and more unhappy, as will your DC. You all deserve better.

mrsrat · 14/03/2021 20:01

I'm a dry alcoholic and haven't had a drink for 5 years . I moved out and realised it was me and me alone that was the issue . I moved back in and didn't start drinking but realised I was happier on my own so left .... we are still together but can't live together . He must accept responsibility for his actions and if he doesn't you must for your children's sake ask him to leave

thelake · 14/03/2021 20:03

I rarely ever say leave. I do believe in for better or worse, but this sounds terrible. I wouldn't want to stay in this situation where he is taking himself, and therefore everyone around him, down with him

KatySun · 14/03/2021 20:47

Yes, my father was an alcoholic. My parents stayed together. My mum told me when I was older that she had thought about leaving, but did not want us (the children) to grow up without a father. So we grew up with the alcoholism and the arguments and my mother’s bitterness about things instead, oh and the secondary poverty caused by drink.
Of course that was the 1970s/1908s and my mum was not working, so I do kind of see that it would have been enormously difficult for her to leave, especially as she did not have family to fall back on. But now it is 2021 and I get that it is difficult to leave a man you love and want to believe the best in, but there is not the stigma these days. Plus you sound like you might be in a good position to make things work for yourself - you have a professional job, so an income and you clearly manage to do your job and run your house in stressful circumstances (living with an alcoholic is stressful!) so of course you will manage as a single parent. Try to think what your biggest fears are of being alone and then how you will address them. Maybe it is just time to realise things won’t get better and actually you value your life enough to want better for you and DC. Leaving is a process not an event.

I remember I used to walk around the park with toddler DC at the crack of dawn to avoid waking my ex up, which is another story. It is crazy when you think about it. Sad, though, too.

DinosaurDiana · 14/03/2021 21:15

You cannot help him. He should want to make the change for his family.
One day you will find the strength to leave. You should get your ducks in a row for when that day comes 💐

PantherPantherus · 14/03/2021 21:57

Any man that does not put his family first should be single.

MrsOmelette · 15/03/2021 06:29

I was the child of an alcoholic. A good, kind, gentle man but an alcoholic and it has left my with lifelong trauma-related reactions. It is absolutely terrifying as a young child to realise that the adult who is supposed to be keeping you safe is not-in-control. It is terrifying.
I beg you for the sake of your children to end this relationship.

Charlieandlola · 15/03/2021 07:12

I also would urge you to save your children from this . My father drank himself to death and it’s left it’s marks . There’s a wonderful charity called NACOA - please read the testimonies of children of alcoholics and save your children from this . I know it’s scary . You also deserve a trauma free life .

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