All I have got for Mother’s Day....is a drunk husband

[MonaRoza]

My husband isn’t good at buying cards, presents or flowers for special days. So I wasn’t expecting anything from him. But I was hoping for a day of peace. Instead he got annoyed at something first thing in the morning, starting to drink first thing in the morning. No surprise, drunk within couple of hours. And an argument follows as I am so upset with the situation. I have no question for you ladies, but just to say what an awful day, particularly on Mother’s Day 😔

He says we make him drink because the kids and I stress him out...the kids are not that old, so some of the stuff they do can be stressful but they are kids. It is not fair to put the blame on them or me. I am not saying I am perfect but I try to be a nice person...O even said to him several times maybe he should find himself somewhere else to live. If we really stress him and cause him to drink, then he can see if being away from us helps him...but he is still here...always a reason not to go. The pandemic, wasting money he could spend on our house, etc

Sorry to hear you are going through this.
Living with an alcoholic who refuses to help himself will eventually destroy you.
You need to start putting yourself first and think about what is going to be best for you and your children.

@MonaRoza your story resonates with me. I did split with my ex and he remains an alcoholic though functional. Im alone still several years later, sitting here watching my toddlers eat their dinner happily. However lonely i may ever feel, i thank god we arent exposed to all that on a regular basis anymore and ultimately i picked my children's welfare over his.

He says we make him drink because the kids and I stress him out

What a cunt.

Also noteworthy that something "annoyed" him this morning, mother's Day morning - and instead of trying to out it to the side or get past it for the sake of staying sober and civil on the only day of the year dedicated to mum's, which you are, he chose to.udevot as "reason" to get drunk, which presumably he knows makes you uncomfortable.

Drinking/drunk in the daytime too, around kids ...... Just no.

Please divorce him, please protect your DC for thinking your relationship and his behaviour is in any way normal or acceptable.

He will always have an excuse to drink because he's an alcoholic.

You deserve so much better

Do you plan to spend the rest of the next 10 or 15 years finding places to take your kids on his days off to keep them away from the horrible drunk man who you allow to live in their house?
Is that really an easier job than facing up to leaving him and having a lovely peaceful home for you and your kids?
Genetically he might be their father but he's not parenting them, he's damaging them. He's either working or he's pissed.
You lot walk around in the cold all day pretending, while he gets pissed in the lovely warm house.
Is each of your children equal in worth to him? Or are they lesser? Are you lesser? It seems to be all about him, and poor him he's got emotional issues that he refuses to face.

Are your kids not are currently getting 'emotional issues' due to their Dad being an alcoholic?
Take this thing out of secrecy, go and tell someone and get support.
By allowing him to continue to stay you are colluding with him to do nothing about it.

Also to add I was a child of alcoholic parents and dreaded them coming home, not knowing how their behaviour would be.
See it from your dc point of view, because it’s a horrific way to be brought up

@sadie9 @justthecat, I hear you. I don’t want my children to be scared, emotionally impacted. I just don’t feel strong enough...can you believe that I am a professional, working in a good job; used to leave on my own for several years before marrying him, an independent women. And even for me, that next step, is so so scary. I don’t feel that I have enough support network around me to keep me going...

@MonaRoza

He says we make him drink because the kids and I stress him out...the kids are not that old, so some of the stuff they do can be stressful but they are kids. It is not fair to put the blame on them or me. I am not saying I am perfect but I try to be a nice person...O even said to him several times maybe he should find himself somewhere else to live. If we really stress him and cause him to drink, then he can see if being away from us helps him...but he is still here...always a reason not to go. The pandemic, wasting money he could spend on our house, etc

If he cannot do adult life as a parent without getting drunk on.a Sunday morning - and mother's Day to boot ; then he needs to move out.

One wonders how he's going to.continue to call.the shots on if and when he leaves of SS etc become aware he gets drunk regularly in the daytime around kids and his wife and children are staying out of their home to avoid him.

He thinks counselling won't help with his issues and he's choosing to self medicate using alcohol (though at some point the reason for drinking becomes secondary to the addiction/compulsion to drink anyway).

So how is his behaviour going to change?

Course you have, your already strong, you just don’t realise it.
Imagine your dc turning to you one day, wanting to know why they had to spend time wandering in the cold because of him.
It won’t get easier as they get older, they’ll just reasent him and the situation more.
They should feel safe at home, can you really say they do ? Kids aren’t stupid they pick up more than you’d like

All alcoholics are functioning, until they stop functioning. Alcoholism is a progressive condition and it's only going to get worse. And nobody is ever to blame for anyone else's drinking - my first sponsor wouldn't allow the word "trigger" because she said the trigger is your alcoholism itself.

It's no life for you or your children and he is the only person who can change, and only then if he absolutely desperately wants to change.

I say this as a recovering alcoholic - I wouldn't want to live with the actively drinking me, never in a million years.

I'm 7 years sober thanks to AA.

If he's not willing to get help, there's one thing I know as certain as day follows night:

This WILL get worse.

You did NOT cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

You CAN choose when to say 'Stop' for you and the children.

I really hope you decide to do that sooner rather than later.

my daddy was an alcholic.
my ma ..was ...the wife of the man she loved being an alcholic.
we were..the kids of this. forced into "accepting"shite behaviour from our parents. to this day i believe ,it was cos they loved each other completely.
i know-he was too drunk to know,far less remember.she was "coping"
Leaving him changed everything.
she was supported(we was miles from family\they were all his anyhow)
he stopped.drinking.actual faced reality.thing is.only from that moment on.no real concept that by then the other 4 of us had formed versions of it.
they worked at it.got back together.changed everything in their future.
we were all happy.2 of us had left home by then.To be honest i doubt he ever knew about alot of it.i didnt care,always loved him.the damage still shines through tho.he died far to young.sober they had under ten dry years.It was clear "they" was a couple/team/together.and that is good.
we.me n 2siblings,adore them
left some funny fkt up views on "love" "family" "self worth"
tolerating the untolerable always does.
put yourself first.depend on you.your kids do. goodluck xx

@MonaRoza i was you but my ex was abusive. Im not lying but it nearly destroyed me to end things. But ultimately you have to put your children above your fears of not being strong enough.

You need to leave for the sake of your children. Do you have any support?

MonaRoza

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Oh I can well believe you are a professional in a good job; you're carrying him. He will however, continue to drag both your own self and your children down with him until you all sink. Women however, are not rehab centres for badly raised men.

Alcoholism as well is not called the "family disease" for nothing and you as well as your children are being profoundly affected by his alcoholism.

What is so scary to you about being without him in your life day to day?. If you could address those fears perhaps you would ultimately see these as groundless and based on your own negative and or self defeating thinking. Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy so you have done yourself a small but important service by writing about it on here. Time to bust this wide open.

What is more scary to you; being around him for the next 10-15 years tiptoeing around him or living a life without him in it day to day?. How do you think life longer term with this alcoholic is going to pan out; these relationships go one way and that is ever downwards whilst you rearrange the deckchairs and otherwise lurch from one crisis to another. Its never stable in your house is it?.

What do you get out of this relationship?. Are you codependent in this relationship; I would think you are because that state and alcoholism go hand in hand. What did you learn about relationships from your parents, what sort of an example did they show you?. By being with him and tiptoeing around him as you are doing you're basically enabling him to carry on damaging your own self and your kids.

This is NO life for your children to be witness to; a drunkard for a parent will impact them markedly. You have a choice re this man and they do not. Make better choices than the ones you have already made; you cannot rescue and or save him and he does not want your help or support. You are stronger than you think; if you thought nothing was wrong with this you would not have posted.

Do contact Al-anon as they are very helpful to those affected by another person's drinking. I would also consider seeking legal advice re divorce sooner rather than later.

@MonaRoza
I was the child in this scenario many many years ago. My dad would get drunk and, if we weren't out before he got home, we would all go out when he did. He would be passed out when we got back but the smell would still be in the house and the fear would still be there as we all tiptoed around. There are still certain places I don't like to go past as they were places we would go to on these days. The sound of a key in a door on a Sunday afternoon still makes my stomach twist in fear. I hope you manage to leave your DH. Mumsnet is a great support should you decide to xx

Bet the kids stress you out too, do you bury your gullet in a bottle of Vodka to “cope”?

These emotional issues you seem to be allowing him to use an excuse, bet they are all your fault, right?

And when you say you took the kids out when you saw “it was getting bad?” He’s not a quiet sit in a corner drunk then? He’s abusive? Violent? Shouty? What?

If you won’t make the emotional decision yourself, make it for your kids. They don’t deserve this shit.

He needs to move out.
Him being an alcoholic is his fault, not yours and the kids.

@Sstrongtn if I don’t pull myself out of it, he would continue to argue with me all day, and can get shouty at times 😔

There is often a miserable childhood or upsetting story behind someone's behaviour but that will not stop your children being traumatised. In fact, living with this could be the reason they end up similarly damaged.

And no, I don’t drink because my kids stress me...How can I put them through that? I read about best ways to cope with certain situations, talk to other mothers about tips, etc. So try to find a way to manage the situation

You still have a choice re this man and your children do not. You cannot keep going out with your kids in the cold and wet in an attempt to avoid him and his inherent drunkenness.

Sound travels and your children hear him shout too. They do not have to be in the same room. If he is frightening to you, its terrifying for them. They need one reliable parent here to rely on and trust and that has to be you. Its certainly not their dad; his primary relationship is with drink. Your own self and these children are not at the top of his priority list; its drink. His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

I would think you will also need to obtain a non molestation order and possibly also an occupation order as well as a divorce.

Put yourselves first; not this man.