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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No acknowledgment of Mother's day

81 replies

FiFTM · 14/03/2021 12:03

I'm feeling a bit low this morning, I'm mum to a lovely 2yo boy and pregnant with our second child. My husband has not acknowledged the fact that it's mother's day in any way and I feel quite sad about it. Obviously my son has no idea, he made a card in nursery which was lovely but I was expecting a card and a "happy mother's day" today from my OH. I got a card made up for his mum, gave her a pressie yesterday as we wouldn't be seeing her today, so he didn't even have to focus on getting her anything. I was the one who got up with our son this morning, fed him, played with him... I just feel a bit let down. He had said during the week that he was trying to get a nice restaurant meal delivered today but couldn't get a response from the place, so I actually mentioned this today to see would it even prompt him to realise the day it was but no. This is just a bit of a rant here but I feel really let down. Probably pregnancy hormones too playing a role!

OP posts:
Brakken · 14/03/2021 15:39

@FiFTM Why on earth are you buying his mum a mother's day gift instead of him?? Does he buy presents for your parents? Confused

If he doesn't even bother to be proactive to get something for his own mum when it's her day, of course he wouldn't for you. What's more, you facilitating all this just makes him think that you're fine with the idea that it's women who bother with presents and sentimentality, men don't need to.

Sorry OP but I always wonder why women like you are happy to be doormats then are surprised when their husband/boyfriend doesn't doesn't make an effort with them. Talk to him directly about how you feel and that you also won't be buying presents anymore for his mum as it's his role as a man to also do these things.

lynsey91 · 14/03/2021 15:44

@TeaAndStrumpets he is pretty lovely most of the time!

I guess Mothers Day, birthdays etc are always going to be a difficult time. It's hit me much harder today than I actually thought it would.

My dad died a 13 days before mum so this year has been awful so far. Also mum died on dad's birthday.

Original poster
FiFTM · 14/03/2021 15:46

I think doormat is a bit harsh, this is one aspect of the relationship here. The reason I bought his mum a card and present was because I didn't want her to be let down, she's a fantastic mother in law and granny. However in future I'll just remind him to sort it out himself

OP posts:
sarahC40 · 14/03/2021 16:07

@FiFTM

I think doormat is a bit harsh, this is one aspect of the relationship here. The reason I bought his mum a card and present was because I didn't want her to be let down, she's a fantastic mother in law and granny. However in future I'll just remind him to sort it out himself
Perhaps ask him to be a grown up and remember all by himself?
sarahC40 · 14/03/2021 16:08

Sorry that sounded snippy - hope you’re ok. I got told off by my son for making him feel bad that he’d forgotten - he got short shrift because he also said that it was hard remembering things...

bembridge11 · 14/03/2021 16:09

Having told me last year that I was a toxic person and difficult to get along with by my sister. She dragged up things that she said I did to her from 25 years back but was only mentioning them now for the first time. After this conversation I haven't spoken to her.
When my sister said all those nasty things about me I didn't fight back. I realised there is no winner or loser to this argument and so I stepped back and have left her to live her life. It was my 50th birthday recently and she sent flowers. I didn't acknowledge them. Now she has sent flowers some of my friends feel I should acknowledge them. But I dont feel ready or able to. Am I in the wrong?

GreatTeaMonkey · 14/03/2021 16:30

But if he lets her down then it’s him that’s let her down, not you. Let him make his own mistakes he’s an adult. He will never take responsibility for anything if you pick up the pieces constantly.

Cinderstella · 14/03/2021 17:14

Does he do other nice things though? I lost both my mum and my dad last year, my mum quite recently so feeling a bit down today as it’s the first Mother’s Day without her. I’ve received absolutely nothing from my only grown child (son) not even an acknowledgement. It would have been nice to get a phone call saying Happy Mother’s Day or a message on Messenger. That’s all I need really so that made me even sadder. Then wallowing in my own misery I began to think of all the nice things he does. I see him every week. We used to go out for lunch and a walk but now he comes to me for lunch during lockdown. He offers to pay. After my Mum and Dad died he always replied to my parting love you with I love you too reply and previously he’d never done that. I’m so proud of him and what he is and what he has done in his life and realise how very lucky I am. Some Mums I am sure are given big and beautiful presents for Mother’s Day then not really thought about the rest of the time. So what would I rather have at the end of the day? Just as it is.

LawnFever · 14/03/2021 17:18

Your son made you a card, you’re his mother not your DH’s mother I don’t understand the obsession with an expectation that peoples partners mark Mother’s Day

Onelifeonly · 14/03/2021 17:40

If you want something, ask for it! My kids are 15 and 20. I asked the eldest if she'd remembered it was MD - she had and had bought me stuff - and told her to remind the youngest - who had also bought stuff. But I wasnt taking any chances! When younger, I told their father to take them shopping. I feel it's as much about educating them (kids and husband) as me getting something I quite like.

Explain to your DP what you would like. Of course, it's much nicer when it is spontaneous but better than being ignored.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 14/03/2021 19:41

More shit selfish men who aren't worth a light and can't parent their own children for 5 minutes.
You'd be better off alone really. I know I was, my DS and I were much happier when I wasn't always crying over something damned selfish my ex did.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 14/03/2021 19:50

Please tell us you won't be making any effort whatsoever on Fathers day OP

Dottybirds · 14/03/2021 19:53

@LawnFever
Her child is little, it’s not like he’s 18 and can drive/walk to the shops. OP isn’t asking her partner to buy her a card as if she’s his mother, she wants him to help their son mark the occasion. It’s his dad’s responsibility to help him, he can’t do it on his own!!

category12 · 14/03/2021 20:44

@FiFTM

I think doormat is a bit harsh, this is one aspect of the relationship here. The reason I bought his mum a card and present was because I didn't want her to be let down, she's a fantastic mother in law and granny. However in future I'll just remind him to sort it out himself
No, don't remind him. He sees the same adverts and calendar dates that you do, he's perfectly capable of remembering and doing something nice himself.

Stop bloody enabling him to get away with being an inconsiderate bastard all the time.

Look where it gets you - he's done nothing for you on Mothers Day and you've been running around with the dc. You're making a rod for your own back by taking on his responsibilities as if they're yours. He's not grateful, he takes it for granted, and he doesn't reciprocate for you. Stop babying the fucker.

LawnFever · 14/03/2021 20:50

[quote Dottybirds]@LawnFever
Her child is little, it’s not like he’s 18 and can drive/walk to the shops. OP isn’t asking her partner to buy her a card as if she’s his mother, she wants him to help their son mark the occasion. It’s his dad’s responsibility to help him, he can’t do it on his own!![/quote]
Her son made a card at nursery Smile

Hesfamousforit · 14/03/2021 20:51

Yanbu.
Next year start making very obvious hints a week before.
Happy mothers dayFlowers

NichyNoo · 14/03/2021 20:54

It’s so depressing seeing all the threads on here today from women whose partners haven’t done anything for Mother’s Day. I hope to God that they refuse to do anything for Father’s Day (knowing of course that they will and will say ‘but is not fair on DC if I don’t do anything’).

ThrowingAShellstrop · 14/03/2021 20:58

@ElphabaTheGreen

I got to get up at 6am with both DCs....as I always do, so he could have a lie in...

I waited....and waited....and made my own breakfast since nobody offered...

DSs and DH disappeared upstairs and reappeared five minutes later with a card they’d obviously filled out on the spot rather than putting in any forward planning and DH gave me a box of ‘Free From’ chocolates (I have exactly zero allergies), a third of which are chocolate orange which I hate with a passion, to the point that my hatred of chocolate orange is a running family joke.

And today is the fourth anniversary of my own mother’s death.

Suffice it to say I’m sat in the toilet having a little cry, but since no one else gives a shit or remembers I guess it’s just us OP.

You’re not the only one @ElphabaTheGreen. I’ve had a hideously disappointing day too. Two lovely children, several losses and no mother of my own, you would’ve thought somebody (DH) would’ve twigged it’s a day to put on the calendar.

Thinking of you all that have had a day like mine Flowers

Whatapalavaa · 14/03/2021 21:02

So what are you going to do about it? Are you going to have a word with him about how unacceptable this is and that you expect an effort to be made on every special occasion? Or are you going to swallow your feelings and post a similar thread next year. I would go ape shit with him.

Dottybirds · 14/03/2021 21:11

@LawnFever and maybe her partner getting her a bunch of flowers to go with the card wouldn’t have gone amiss SmileSmile

happydays00 · 14/03/2021 21:12

@FiFTM I'm sorry that you and others have had a disappointing day, it's not on. Birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day etc mean very little to my DH, I honestly don't think he'd care if we didn't even get him a card on Fathers Day but we still do. It took about 3 years of me saying how disappointed and let down I felt when he made zero effort for me on Mother's Day. I had to spell out that it's not about the money spent (ie chocolates, flowers etc) it's just some sort of acknowledgment for all that I do and that they appreciate that. I'd be happy with a handmade card, a cup of tea in bed and a lie in. This year is the first year that I had a card from both kids and from him and some flowers. It's been a nice day.

It's easy to just hope that he'll catch on but sometimes I think you just need to explain what you feel and what you want them to do.

CrabPuff · 14/03/2021 21:15

I have a friend who has had to train her husband. She just says “it’s Mother’s Day on Sunday - please can you engage with the children so I get a card; anything they made or drew on is cute and I would like a lie in and a cup of tea please.” And he does it.

This is after he didn’t guess what she wanted before. He has learned. Just ask for what you want.

ElphabaTheGreen · 14/03/2021 21:15

@Hesfamousforit

Yanbu. Next year start making very obvious hints a week before. Happy mothers dayFlowers
Absolutely not. As a PP said, unless they live under a rock, they get hit in the face with BEST MUM EVER cards from mid-Feb the same as the rest of us. All it should take is perhaps one reminder that Mother’s Day is there for the other parent to contribute to raising a considerate adult - ‘DC, there is a day coming up for you to show how much your mum means to you. Do this by putting some thought into it. Don’t grow up to become one of Those People that buys petrol station flowers or forgets completely.’ This is why I make Father’s Day a big deal - to raise considerate, thoughtful adults. Putting DH on a pedestal is secondary to that he certainly plummeted off his fucking pedestal today

As a sequel to my post (thanks to those that supported Flowers) I broke down in ugly tears at lunch (that I had made). When my DC asked, ‘Is this about nanna, mummy?’ a tiny lightbulb started to flicker for DH, and 10 minutes later he was grovelling thoroughly. Another 10 minutes later we were hooting at the fucking orange flavoured chocolate. He has form for buying me chocolate I loathe and for him to have done it in combination with forgetting Mother’s Day, and having it fall on such a sensitive date this year, was just a fail of such epic tit proportions, we could only laugh.

Don’t think he’ll be doing it again somehow...

FreddyTheFlute · 14/03/2021 21:17

Why even remind him to buy for his own family? He is capable of sorting it himself. He isn't a child.

And why not ask him what he has organised for mothers day?

imalmostthere · 14/03/2021 21:21

YANBU op, but on mumsnet you aren't allowed to be sad about any occasion without sounding grabby.
Hope you managed to have a nice day Thanks

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