H won't move out

[Trinpy]

I have had a previous thread on this which I stopped replying to because I was not in a good place at the time and some of the replies were making me feel awful.

I told my DH back in January that I wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. Since then he has done a lot of work to improve on the reasons I gave him for wanting to end the relationship. I still do not love him though and never will again and living with him has been a constant stress. I have begged him to move out and said I will help him find somewhere and help towards the cost of the deposit and first months rent, but he has refused and says he doesn't see why he should have to give up his home and not see his DC every day. I would happily be the one to move out but he has said he cannot afford to keep our house running on his own and I can't afford the costs of keeping 2 houses going. He has refused to sell our house until our fixed term mortgage ends next year. I have had a couple of friends offer to let me sleep on their sofa for a weekend but not for 1 year+ and I wouldn't be able to take the kids with me which is an issue as I would need to be the RP.

He is convinced that he can make me love him again if he keeps me living with him, despite me telling him that that will never happen. He has also said that I am being unreasonable wanting to divorce him now when he has so many other things going on (I had a late miscarriage in December with a much wanted child, he has been furloughed since January and he has been doing the bulk of the childcare whilst I work during this time, he has also been having therapy to deal with his anger issues which has been emotionally tough on him). He thinks I should 'compromise' and wait a few more months. I agreed in Feb that I would wait a month, it has now been over that and the thought of living like this much longer makes me want to cry.

I haven't had much support from friends and family - most have advised me to stick it out for a bit longer but I don't want to. I feel trapped and alone and I don't know what to do now.

Could you get a flat and have the kids at weekends?

Presumably your previous thread was about him abusing you?

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? You don't actually have to surrender all control over your life to him.

Just start the divorce. He's just trying to kick the can down the road - the sooner you start the wheels in motion, the sooner it can all be sorted.

Why not move out with the children?

You don’t have to support him once you leave. He’d have to sell the house then.

However I would be concerned about him doing the bulk of the childcare if you are going for residence

I mean, you cannot force him to move out, and you'd be foolish to move out somewhere without the dc and leaving him in residence - so start the divorce in situ.

Unless there's domestic abuse.

I'm worried about moving out when I still own the house with him as presumably if he can't pay the mortgage and bills then I would be equally responsible for those debts.

He has done the bulk of the childcare since January when he has been on furlough but he returns to work next month and then it will return to me being responsible for the majority of the childcare. He works evenings and weekends so would only be able to have the kids 2 days a week. This is what he is upset about.

It is not a DV situation but he normally hits the DCs and can be verbally quite aggressive towards me. Although he has been lovely to us since I told him these were reasons I wanted to divorce him back in January and he says he has changed for good.

It is not a DV situation but he normally hits the DCs and can be verbally quite aggressive towards me

that is very much domestic violence! He needs to leave!

Being physically violent towards children is absolutely DV as is verbal abuse. Call the police and tell them he is violent and needs to be escorted off the premises and start the divorce.

"It is not a DV situation but he normally hits the DCs and can be verbally quite aggressive towards me".

That absolutely is a DV situation. Why would you state it is not?.

"Although he has been lovely to us since I told him these were reasons I wanted to divorce him back in January and he says he has changed for good"

He only said that because he thought you were (finally) serious about leaving him but you to date are still there. Practically all abusers promise change and it never happens; any change seen is but short lived and is an act they cannot maintain. Any apparant niceness shown towards you all now is part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

See this is where MN advice falls down. OP and her STBEXH cannot afford for either of them to move out and keep the existing house, doing so would mean one or both of them would be forced to default on the mortgage and maybe other bills, or get further into debt which will obviously have repercussions down the line. It's never just as simple as 'LTB'.

OP what you need to do is start divorce proceedings, however daunting that may seem. Otherwise you'll remain in this awful limbo for years. The financials and who lives where will get sorted out in the divorce, and it may be that house has to be sold, but at least you can both begin to move on with your lives.

I missed the parts about his threats and hitting the children. That absolutely is domestic violence, don't minimise it. You should report these instances to the Police.

Your family and friends are not living your life either, you are and they are likely to be overinvested. They are therefore not impartial unlike people who are on the outside reading your posts.

Would urge you to start divorce proceedings; there is no real reason for you not to be doing that. What do you think your children are learning about relationships here from you two?. This is NOT the model to be at all showing them.

You need to start divorce proceedings and put the house on the market, if he doesn't agree the court can order it. Plenty of people choose or circumstances force them to be in the same house whilst divorcing, I did for 7 months

I remember the thread

If this goes the way of the other one, then you will get similar comments. The consensus was - you are being unfair, totally unfair. But you didn’t like that. So flounced

I'm not trying to be goady in any way, but you've said you suffered a miscarriage with a much wanted child in December, and then said in January that you wanted to split with your husband? I can see why he might be thinking that he can "talk you round". Have you been able to speak to anyone about your feelings regarding the miscarriage? I always think that you shouldn't make any big life decisions following a bereavement as your feelings must be all over the plane. I didn't see your last thread and obviously you have mentioned that he hits the children which is unacceptable! I'm so so sorry for your loss. I think the other advice of just getting the wheels rolling for the divorce is good, you can get things in motion and start seeing what you both might be entitled to post-divorce. And it would help him see that yoU were serious and not just potentially lashing out after your loss.

Oh but you’ve added in to this one about hitting the DC
That didn’t come up once in the many many pages of your previous thread

Can you speak to women's aid or similar. It sounds like you are trying to think your way out of this entirely on your own, with a thread for support but you should try to gather your financial details and see someone like a Womans aid advisor. Write down the details of his hitting the children, this is not a safe place for them. The house seems like a problem but it is an asset that can be sold and divided to help you make a new start. It also sounds like you need some counselling to help you deal with all of this

@Chewingle I think you're thinking of a different poster as my previous thread did talk about him hitting the dcs. The overall message from other posters on my previous thread was that I had badly failed my dcs by not leaving years ago and although I do agree with that, some of the posts where quite harsh and my mh was already pretty fragile following my miscarriage so I felt it wasn't particularly helpful for me to read those comments when I had already recognised I needed to leave.

@Throwntothewolves thank you for your reply. This is it exactly. I will get started on the divorce on Monday - thank you to those of you who suggested that.

I don't really want to get the police involved. He hasn't hit them since last year and I have no proof, so it would just be extra stress for the dcs for no benefit.

Thank you to the pps who have suggested womansaid as well. I will give them a call.

Start the court process they will force him to sell the house or move out.

@DDAdviceplease thank you for your post. That is extremely helpful.

Oops sorry, removed as I thought I'd posted on the wrong thread!

Just wanted to say I'm in a similar position. It was only 2 weeks ago I told him it was over though, but he seems to be ignoring it and just carrying on as normal. I think he thinks he can make me love him again too, and doesn't want to move out. I understand that and have looked into moving out with the kids but that's going to be far too expensive. I can't leave without them, I am the main caregiver. I'm feeling trapped. Sorry I have no advice.

What on earth do you mean there would be no benefit to the DCs?!