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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H won't move out

80 replies

Trinpy · 13/03/2021 10:13

I have had a previous thread on this which I stopped replying to because I was not in a good place at the time and some of the replies were making me feel awful.

I told my DH back in January that I wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. Since then he has done a lot of work to improve on the reasons I gave him for wanting to end the relationship. I still do not love him though and never will again and living with him has been a constant stress. I have begged him to move out and said I will help him find somewhere and help towards the cost of the deposit and first months rent, but he has refused and says he doesn't see why he should have to give up his home and not see his DC every day. I would happily be the one to move out but he has said he cannot afford to keep our house running on his own and I can't afford the costs of keeping 2 houses going. He has refused to sell our house until our fixed term mortgage ends next year. I have had a couple of friends offer to let me sleep on their sofa for a weekend but not for 1 year+ and I wouldn't be able to take the kids with me which is an issue as I would need to be the RP.

He is convinced that he can make me love him again if he keeps me living with him, despite me telling him that that will never happen. He has also said that I am being unreasonable wanting to divorce him now when he has so many other things going on (I had a late miscarriage in December with a much wanted child, he has been furloughed since January and he has been doing the bulk of the childcare whilst I work during this time, he has also been having therapy to deal with his anger issues which has been emotionally tough on him). He thinks I should 'compromise' and wait a few more months. I agreed in Feb that I would wait a month, it has now been over that and the thought of living like this much longer makes me want to cry.

I haven't had much support from friends and family - most have advised me to stick it out for a bit longer but I don't want to. I feel trapped and alone and I don't know what to do now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trinpy · 13/03/2021 14:52

@Mmmmdanone I'm really sorry to hear you are having a similar problem. I hope your husband is able to accept that it's over.

@TheWaif it is legal to smack your children in England. He has never left a mark on them and they likely would have little memory of any incidents apart from to say that daddy has hit them when they are naughty. I have no proof that he has done anything illegal and I do not for one minute believe he would seriously hurt them. All that would happen if I went to the police would be that everyone involved would get more stressed/upset which would only have a negative effect on my dcs. I would obviously reconsider this if I thought that he was hitting them again.

OP posts:
TheWaif · 13/03/2021 15:52

Smacking without leaving a mark is a bit different to 'hitting' them though isn't it. Maybe you should have made that clear.

Original poster
Trinpy · 13/03/2021 16:28

Sorry, I've obviously used the wrong words, I thought smacking and hitting was the same thing? He smacks them round the head, but not enough to leave a mark. Probably around the same force that someone would smack a child on the bum. I've no idea whether that is illegal or not as I don't hit/smacks my kids at all.

I've spoken to my mum about it all and she doesn't seem to think it's a big deal and has told me I should give it a few more months. I'm very confused now. Sorry if I've been oversensitive about this or portrayed it as worse than it is.

OP posts:
MazekeenSmith · 13/03/2021 16:37

@TheWaif

Smacking without leaving a mark is a bit different to 'hitting' them though isn't it. Maybe you should have made that clear.
No it isn't.
MazekeenSmith · 13/03/2021 16:38

You need to file for divorce now and get a solicitor. You may need to sell the house but you can only force him to agree to that through a court order.

ChancesWhatChances · 13/03/2021 16:40

You don’t class him smacking your children around the head as abuse?!? What the actual fuck

user14515324156262562 · 13/03/2021 16:44

You are delusional if you think that's not domestic abuse.

Your kids will remember that dad hurt them and mum let him. You are complicit in their abuse.

And you would actually consider walking out on them and abandoning them with this man? Fucking hell.

Bit rich of you to tell us not to point out your failings because of it being too tough on your mental health to hear the truth, when you show fuck all concern for the damage being done to your own children. What about their mental health?

Original poster
Trinpy · 13/03/2021 17:00

I never said I would walk out on my kids???

This is exactly what happened with my last thread with posts telling me what a shit mum I am. Yes I do need to keep my mh as good as it can be so that I can get my kids out of this situation.

Everyone I have ever spoken to about this irl has been on his side and has told me I need to support him, be kind to him, help him be a better person. That divorce would damage my kids more than staying would. We have had couples counselling and our counsellor was told all of this on the first session and didn't seem concerned at all. So no, I have absolutely no idea anymore what's abusive and what's me being oversensitive.

OP posts:
category12 · 13/03/2021 17:04

Did you grow up in a household where smacking was the norm?

I remember your last thread, and I remember about the hitting around the head, and it's not OK and it is abusive. Blows to the head are dangerous. Go ask a medical professional if you're so sure it's fine.

TheWaif · 13/03/2021 17:09

To me hitting is punching 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Trinpy · 13/03/2021 17:18

No I was never smacked growing up and I personally don't think any smacking/hitting of children is acceptable. To the point where I actually discussed this with my husband before I married him because I've always been so against it and he agreed with me at the time.

What I said was that I wasn't sure if it was considered legal or not; I find the law on smacking a bit confusing.

OP posts:
MazekeenSmith · 13/03/2021 17:31

@TheWaif

To me hitting is punching 🤷‍♀️
Striking someone with your hand is hitting, especially when it's a child
MazekeenSmith · 13/03/2021 17:33

@Trinpy

No I was never smacked growing up and I personally don't think any smacking/hitting of children is acceptable. To the point where I actually discussed this with my husband before I married him because I've always been so against it and he agreed with me at the time.

What I said was that I wasn't sure if it was considered legal or not; I find the law on smacking a bit confusing.

To be honest the law is stupid but I can tell you as a social worker that hitting around the head is NEVER acceptable. Depending on the circumstances he could absolutely be arrested for that and if not it would almost certainly meet the threshold for a social services assessment.
Original poster
Trinpy · 13/03/2021 17:35

Thank you for that info MazekeenSmith.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/03/2021 17:48

Please take heed of the advice from @MazekeenSmith

Hitting a child around the head is abuse. It is also dangerous.

By staying with him under the same roof you are enabling the children being physically abused. They are also being exposed to emotional and verbal abuse - it may be directed at you but they are witnessing it.

You need to cooperate with SS if they are involved now or in future, showing them that you can display sound judgement by recognising this as abuse.

If they speak to you and you say what you said to us (that it's not a DV situation, but he verbally abused you and hits the kids around the head) then your judgement and ability to protect the children and adequately safeguard will be taken into account.

By showing them you know this is wrong, however, you can cooperate with them and show them you are a parent who can adequately safeguard the children. So you need to focus on understanding that this is an abusive household.

Quartz2208 · 13/03/2021 18:05

You need to access professional help both legally and with the children. Continual blows to the head has the potential to have long term effects.

ItsMarch · 13/03/2021 18:16

I wouldn’t leave the martial home especially if there is a chance he won’t pay the bills.
Force the sale of it through the divorce process.
You’ll be waiting years for him to do the right thing and leave.

captainfishfinger · 13/03/2021 19:33

My ex got the house through a mesher order and has caused years of hatred by locking in my equity and damaging my future and the kid's security (she is a low paid debt monster), and is behind with the mortgage and I only have a second charge on what I bought. My advice to any man is to stay put stop paying the mortgage and lose the house early as you don't have to wait until the kids are 18 years old. As for the ex she has 2 years and I put her on the street which I will watch with glee. It's better for both parties if you both leave the property.

Quartz2208 · 13/03/2021 19:44

captainfishfinger please dont put your situation onto this one - the OP clearly says she would be happy to sell but he is refusing and she cant cope anymore.

She has also said she is happy for him to move out and take on the mortgage as well. Your advice really isnt relevant here

cansu · 13/03/2021 19:48

1 File for the divorce and speak to a solicitor.

  1. You may decide to stay until the house is sold etc but only if it is safe. If any violence or aggression is shown you need to either leave or call the police and have him removed.

It is likely that when he receives papers and knows you are serious and not doing as he says, he may revert to type and try threats and violence, you need to be clear about what you will do if this happens and follow through. Otherwise you will be in a much worse situation than now.

I would also start trying to put some money away in case you need a rental deposit.

Original poster
Trinpy · 13/03/2021 19:59

Thanks for the advice. I've been preparing for this since last year so I do have some money saved up and a friend has offered to lend me money if I need it.

OP posts:
ProseccoThyme · 13/03/2021 20:27

I'm sorry you're in this position; I am too - 18 months after telling him it was over. Like you, I couldn't afford to rent plus pay my share of the bills.

He is trying to force me in to agreeing to be bought out, but I want to sell, so it's looking increasingly like court - I wish I had started the process 18m ago instead of wasting time trying to negotiate with him through solicitors.

It totally impacts on your mental health; I have had time off sick from work, needed several courses of sleeping tablets etc.

I hope you can find the headspace to move forward with the process.

Wobblesandchickuns · 13/03/2021 20:31

I feel sick having read he hits your kids round the head and you're defending it.

Original poster
Trinpy · 13/03/2021 21:59

That sounds incredibly stressful @ProseccoThyme, I'm really sorry you've had to go through 18 months of that. I hope the situation gets resolved soon.

@Wobblesandchickuns I haven't defended him once in this entire thread Confused.

OP posts:
Calmate · 13/03/2021 22:41

OP, what @BluebellsGreenbells said, I would be concerned he was the DC's main carer, particularly if he has anger issues. Just start the divorce procedure and grey rock him.