Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H won't move out

80 replies

Trinpy · 13/03/2021 10:13

I have had a previous thread on this which I stopped replying to because I was not in a good place at the time and some of the replies were making me feel awful.

I told my DH back in January that I wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. Since then he has done a lot of work to improve on the reasons I gave him for wanting to end the relationship. I still do not love him though and never will again and living with him has been a constant stress. I have begged him to move out and said I will help him find somewhere and help towards the cost of the deposit and first months rent, but he has refused and says he doesn't see why he should have to give up his home and not see his DC every day. I would happily be the one to move out but he has said he cannot afford to keep our house running on his own and I can't afford the costs of keeping 2 houses going. He has refused to sell our house until our fixed term mortgage ends next year. I have had a couple of friends offer to let me sleep on their sofa for a weekend but not for 1 year+ and I wouldn't be able to take the kids with me which is an issue as I would need to be the RP.

He is convinced that he can make me love him again if he keeps me living with him, despite me telling him that that will never happen. He has also said that I am being unreasonable wanting to divorce him now when he has so many other things going on (I had a late miscarriage in December with a much wanted child, he has been furloughed since January and he has been doing the bulk of the childcare whilst I work during this time, he has also been having therapy to deal with his anger issues which has been emotionally tough on him). He thinks I should 'compromise' and wait a few more months. I agreed in Feb that I would wait a month, it has now been over that and the thought of living like this much longer makes me want to cry.

I haven't had much support from friends and family - most have advised me to stick it out for a bit longer but I don't want to. I feel trapped and alone and I don't know what to do now.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/03/2021 01:05

@Trinpy

No I was never smacked growing up and I personally don't think any smacking/hitting of children is acceptable. To the point where I actually discussed this with my husband before I married him because I've always been so against it and he agreed with me at the time.

What I said was that I wasn't sure if it was considered legal or not; I find the law on smacking a bit confusing.

Smacking a child around the head is abuse/assault.

And it's not legal.

NotMyPremium · 14/03/2021 01:12

@user14515324156262562

You are delusional if you think that's not domestic abuse.

Your kids will remember that dad hurt them and mum let him. You are complicit in their abuse.

And you would actually consider walking out on them and abandoning them with this man? Fucking hell.

Bit rich of you to tell us not to point out your failings because of it being too tough on your mental health to hear the truth, when you show fuck all concern for the damage being done to your own children. What about their mental health?

Oh do fuck off. How is any of that helpful to the OP. FFS.
NotMyPremium · 14/03/2021 01:16

@captainfishfinger

My ex got the house through a mesher order and has caused years of hatred by locking in my equity and damaging my future and the kid's security (she is a low paid debt monster), and is behind with the mortgage and I only have a second charge on what I bought. My advice to any man is to stay put stop paying the mortgage and lose the house early as you don't have to wait until the kids are 18 years old. As for the ex she has 2 years and I put her on the street which I will watch with glee. It's better for both parties if you both leave the property.
Where are your kids going in 2 years? Glad to see your thought for them in all your vitriol towards your ex. How about you grow up and put your children ahead of your feelings towards your ex.
NotMyPremium · 14/03/2021 01:17

@Wobblesandchickuns

I feel sick having read he hits your kids round the head and you're defending it.
What's your actual advice? Oh wait, none, you just want to beat the OP down even more. How helpful of you.
Wobblesandchickuns · 14/03/2021 07:24

Here's my advice: get your kids away from their abuser.

Whydidimarryhim · 14/03/2021 07:42

Why can you transfer all the bills into his name and then leave?
Yes to starting divorce proceedings- you owe him nothing.
You need to be clear in your own mind what YOU want - you are not accountable to your mother -
If he shows any hint or aggression to you or your children call the police and get him removed.
Stay strong.

lydia2021 · 14/03/2021 08:07

Maybe mobile home in garden, for now, or a shed big enough for outdoor living. Police and ss can remove c if there is DV. Someone I know nearly lost her 2 kids in the courts this week. DV was awful with mother continually beaten in front of kids. Police always called out. Mother has kept them for now, with heavy monitoring of situation. If mother has any partner at all, who beats her, her kids will be taken.
Personally I would leave, let the house sell. So what if he cant pay mortgage, you gave him options. He wont budge.

lydia2021 · 14/03/2021 08:14

Put your kids first. They dont need an abusive parent. Why do people have kids then assault them. Words fail me....

Original poster
Trinpy · 14/03/2021 09:40

@Whydidimarryhim it doesn't matter if the bills are in his name only since we are married.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trinpy · 14/03/2021 09:58

@lydia2021 that situation isn't anything like mine though as I am happy to leave I just needed advice on how to make that happen. No one is going to take my kids away from me when I'm actively trying to get them away from my husband. I also cannot just let the mortgage go unpaid as that debt is then on me.

OP posts:
Christmasfairy2020 · 14/03/2021 10:10

Stop having sex with him and he will.leave. don't sleep in the same bed.

lydia2021 · 14/03/2021 10:16

I wasnt implying you were like that. I was illustrating the damage DV can do to two young kids in DV situations. The woman I know, keeps going back for more. The, oh but I love him, doesnt wash with me. The kids must be horrified at seeing their mother with two black eyes and more constantly. Its time women took back their power. I dont know the answer to your situation. You are clearly unhappy, kids pick up on this. Speak to your mortgage provider, who may be able to bring down payments somehow.

Original poster
Trinpy · 14/03/2021 10:17

I'm certainly not having sex with him Hmm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trinpy · 14/03/2021 10:19

Oh I see. I thought you were telling me my kids were going to get taken away from me! Thanks for the advice @lydia2021.

OP posts:
Wtfkqtxnrkatxjrk · 14/03/2021 10:19

What are you actively doing to get your kids away from this man as a matter of urgency?

lydia2021 · 14/03/2021 10:21

Captain fishfinger.... exactly the reason women need to protect their kids and put them first..

Wtfkqtxnrkatxjrk · 14/03/2021 10:24

You do realise that by refusing to report his physical abuse of your children it reduces your ability to protect them from him?

You can't later use that as a reason to contest him having them unsupervised if you have kept it a secret.

Reporting it and documenting it so there is evidence is how you protect your children.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/03/2021 10:36

@Wtfkqtxnrkatxjrk

You do realise that by refusing to report his physical abuse of your children it reduces your ability to protect them from him?

You can't later use that as a reason to contest him having them unsupervised if you have kept it a secret.

Reporting it and documenting it so there is evidence is how you protect your children.

This. Are you unwilling to report him smacking them around the head?

If a stranger did that to them you'd consider it assault right? Yes. Because it is.

captainfishfinger · 14/03/2021 11:13

That's the best bit I can now house them all this lovely working from home, a double win for me. I am just pointing out that holding on to a property will lead to years of bad feeling.

YoniAndGuy · 14/03/2021 11:35

@captainfishfinger

That's the best bit I can now house them all this lovely working from home, a double win for me. I am just pointing out that holding on to a property will lead to years of bad feeling.
I think your 'best bit' is going to turn out to be 'the surprising bit' when you find that your children probably aren't exactly going to share your 'glee' at seeing their home -their home - taken away from them, their mother homeless, and their father enjoying it.

Does it honestly not occur to you that your childrens' perspective on that would be so different to yours that you are quite likely to cause permanent change in the way they see you and feel about you?

I guess the answer is no. It's certainly been that for the two other 'fathers' I've seen who finally get to 'win' their aggressive war on their childrens' mothers and are astonished that their children seem to feel differently about seeing their parent and primary carer treated badly.

Every second you've been holding your grudge, she's been living with, caring for, being the person there with, your joint children. You've got a nasty shock coming.

IM0GEN · 14/03/2021 11:56

What @YoniAndGuy said, every single word.

Kelly345 · 14/03/2021 11:59

[quote Trinpy]@lydia2021 that situation isn't anything like mine though as I am happy to leave I just needed advice on how to make that happen. No one is going to take my kids away from me when I'm actively trying to get them away from my husband. I also cannot just let the mortgage go unpaid as that debt is then on me.[/quote]
Maybe you're going to have to let the mortgage default if it's the only way you can get away from him is to let payment fall behind so he gas to either pay himself or leave. Otherwise you're just going to stay stuck like this forever and never move out. Falling behind of payments right now would be the last of my worries if it means i get to walk away and let him get on with burying his head in the sand.

Christmasfairy2020 · 14/03/2021 13:41

Get on tinder and have a fling he will.move out lol

WisnaeMe · 14/03/2021 15:32

OP how are you 🌺

SandyY2K · 14/03/2021 15:41

Get on tinder and have a fling he will.move out lol

This isn't a joke.