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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone else being ignored by their DP/DH tonight

62 replies

Feelingconfusedtonight · 13/03/2021 00:27

Rightly or wrongly feeling a bit sorry for myself. Would just love a really good chat, instead he’s on his computer in the spare room.

OP posts:
Ruminating2020 · 13/03/2021 00:32

Have you tried starting a conversation with him?

Original poster
Feelingconfusedtonight · 13/03/2021 00:38

@Ruminating2020

Have you tried starting a conversation with him?
Yes I’ve tried :-(
OP posts:
Ruminating2020 · 13/03/2021 00:42

Oh I'm so sorry. Could you specifically ask him to turn off his computer or come to the living room with you for a chat. Does he generally ignore you?

Titsinknicks · 13/03/2021 00:43

Ignoring you or just wants some alone time? I often ask DP if he'd mind buffering off and leaving me alone for a bit.

Workyticket · 13/03/2021 00:46

His team were playing tonight so I took myself off for a long bath as I knew his head would be in the telly.

Fine to do your own thing sometimes but I'd not like it every night

Original poster
Feelingconfusedtonight · 13/03/2021 00:51

@Ruminating2020

Oh I'm so sorry. Could you specifically ask him to turn off his computer or come to the living room with you for a chat. Does he generally ignore you?
@Ruminating2020 far too much ignoring on his part but if he speaks to me I need to answer appropriately. He’s very hypocritical I must not dare talk to him during a tv show but he will expect me to answer him if he interacts with me. Generally speaking, If I don’t respond in a way he feels is acceptable he will call me on it. To be honest I’m not sure why I’m so upset as I don’t think he give a stuff about me. Lockdown I suppose and I’m feeling isolated.
OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingconfusedtonight · 13/03/2021 00:54

@Workyticket

His team were playing tonight so I took myself off for a long bath as I knew his head would be in the telly.

Fine to do your own thing sometimes but I'd not like it every night

@Workyticket hope you enjoyed a relaxing bath. I’ve got no issues with someone really engaging in something like a sport etc, it’s just soul destroying getting ignored repeatedly.
OP posts:
Titsinknicks · 13/03/2021 01:03

I'd suggest you talk to him tomorrow? Tell him how you feel? Say what you've said here op

Lullaby88 · 13/03/2021 01:07

My husband every night. Im tired. Sits by the fire on his phone reading, texting, his phone is his lover not me! Haaha but i dont mind as im exhausted and need my space too.

Lullaby88 · 13/03/2021 01:08

And if im not exhausted on a particular evening i hav a full on rant at him about being glued to his phone. Haha

Original poster
Feelingconfusedtonight · 13/03/2021 01:09

@Titsinknicks

I'd suggest you talk to him tomorrow? Tell him how you feel? Say what you've said here op
Yes, I’ll try but I doubt anything will change. He will just try and shift the blame so it’s all my fault
OP posts:
Opentooffers · 13/03/2021 01:22

"I don't think we get on anymore, so I'm losing the point of us, either things change, or I'm off", that should grab his attention, though the way you describe him, I think I'd be past the point of caring if he changed and be working out how I can improve my life by doing my own things and ignoring him back until strong enough to leave.

Original poster
Feelingconfusedtonight · 13/03/2021 01:29

@Opentooffers I’ve spoken to him in the last and apparently me stating that things needed to improve was me blackmailing him.
So I think I just need to resign myself to the fact I need to get the wheels in motion for us to part ways. I can’t move out of the area at the moment as in need to care for DGM.

OP posts:
Christoncrutches · 13/03/2021 01:51

Do you still have strong feelings for him? Could be things are just a bit stale so he's distanced himself, OR the connection between you might be gone and he's just treading water.

Try not to focus all of the attention on him and his behaviour - make YOUR feelings the priority here. Once you have a genuine courage of your conviction, you'll be surprised at how much his gaslighting comments about blackmailing blahblah will wash over you... it's a strategy to keep you in a weak position.

Original poster
Feelingconfusedtonight · 13/03/2021 01:58

@Christoncrutches Now I look back I’m not sure he’s ever truly loved me. His understanding of love is not what you or I would understand as love. Love DC dearly and wouldn’t change that for the world but I do regret being in a marriage with someone so emotionally unavailable. I can’t remember the last time he gave me a hug yet he’s propositioned me to join him in the shower.

OP posts:
Christoncrutches · 13/03/2021 02:20

Life's too short for regrets, doll. So, with the shower proposition - is that usual? Does he distance himself emotionally but still expect sex?

Original poster
Feelingconfusedtonight · 13/03/2021 02:31

@Christoncrutches

Life's too short for regrets, doll. So, with the shower proposition - is that usual? Does he distance himself emotionally but still expect sex?
The shower suggestion was unexpected . Tried talking to him about it the following day and saying he can’t expect to go from zero intimacy to that and his response was it wasn’t for sex. There was no attempt to understand that from my perspective it wasn’t something I’d be comfortable with given the prior complete lack of intimacy. Zero comprehension or indeed attempt at understanding that I would want some day to day closeness before that.

He didn’t even pop his head through the living room door tonight to say goodnight, just sent me a text with our in joke about saying goodnight which stems from a typo in a text many years ago. A text isn’t completely unusual for us in some instances it’s just irked me tonight as he had to walk past the room I was in to take himself off to bed.

OP posts:
Christoncrutches · 13/03/2021 02:39

sounds a bit bleak, really. My marriage that ended was a bit like that - lack of intimacy, didn't spend evenings together etc etc and it stemmed from a lack of general compatibility... I stayed way longer than I should have, but felt similarly - kids etc. Current relationship of 10 years is totally the opposite - we spend almost all evenings together and give each other a row if we're on our phones. You've got to be on the same page about this stuff or it's such an uphill battle. Counseling might help but you have to both want it to work and be willing to put in the effort - if he's always been a cold fish and you've never felt truly loved by him, realistically he may not be able to give you what you want (and deserve).

Original poster
Feelingconfusedtonight · 13/03/2021 02:44

@Christoncrutches I’m glad you’ve found someone you’re happy with. He’s not someone I can see myself growing old with. I feel that he’s not very respectful towards me and at times it’s nothing short of contempt so I’m not going to attempt marriage counselling with him. We’ve had many heart to hearts over the years and each time I think I’ve finally got through to him and that we’ve had a breakthrough nothing changes in the long term.

OP posts:
TattiesAndNeeps · 13/03/2021 02:45

Dinner was 15 minutes late on the table tonight so I’ve been getting the silent treatment too. Is it just me or do they always do this on a Friday night, like they are preparing to ruin the whole weekend?

Christoncrutches · 13/03/2021 02:52

Sounds like you know your own mind - work on strengthening your position and get things in order as much as possible. Plan for the worst and hope for the best xxx

@TattiesAndNeeps not normal! At all. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.

Original poster
Feelingconfusedtonight · 13/03/2021 02:59

@TattiesAndNeeps sorry your DP has behaved appallingly tonight. I’m assuming this is not the first time this has happened? The pp is spot on that you don’t deserve to be treated like this. More often than not the silent treatment a form of emotional abuse.

OP posts:
TattiesAndNeeps · 13/03/2021 03:25

Thank you @Christoncrutches and @Feelingconfusedtonight. It’s actually the first time it’s happened for this reason, but it doesn’t take much to send him into a sulk, I’m sure lockdown has made him worse.

thosetalesofunexpected · 13/03/2021 04:17

Your gut emotion instinct is spot on correct !

(Act on this !

Life is far too short to just accept/put up with this kind of marriage.

Covid 19 , has shown us all that,

No wonder in Lockdowns some of us are looking,analysing reflecting on our unsatisfying/toxic relantships /friendships far more.

crystalize · 13/03/2021 07:35

When a partner shows you contempt, know that the relationship is over.
He sees you as lesser than him.
Don't waste any more of your precious time as this is over.

Also @TattiesAndNeep that saddened me reading that. You prepared a meal and he gives you the silent treatment? It sure is emotional abuse. Ive experienced this and believe me life is way much better being single. My Fridays are fun. I can crack open the wine after work. Watch what I want, cook when I want. Go for walk with the dog. Play cards with DC. Watch Netflix. Sit in bed reading MN ;) You get the picture. Please don't put up with this behaviour, its crushing to the soul.