Anyone else being ignored by their DP/DH tonight

[Feelingconfusedtonight]

Rightly or wrongly feeling a bit sorry for myself. Would just love a really good chat, instead he’s on his computer in the spare room.

@TattiesAndNeeps

Dinner was 15 minutes late on the table tonight so I’ve been getting the silent treatment too. Is it just me or do they always do this on a Friday night, like they are preparing to ruin the whole weekend?

! That's pretty bad. I know the feeling. Like being in a 1960s social comment film, where the woman is all oppressed and getting the silent treatment or shouted at for not browning the sausages enough or not ironing his shirt collars right. 🥺

I hate that feeling of dread it gives. Why are they so horrible? ☹️

I think you will get some initial relief when you stop trying get through to him, stop caring about what he's thinking, or analysing his behaviour.
Disengage for a while. I don't know what your lifestyle is like, but if you work too, it would be entirely fair to stop doing things for him, such as cooking, washing his clothing etc. Seeing things as blackmail means that any change in behaviour would not come from a place of understanding how any decent person should behave. Who wants to do carrot and stick for the rest of their life because their spouse only toes the line when there is something in it for them?

I’d love to be able to post an update to say today was a much better day however sadly it was just another day filled with snubs, accusations of being mean to him and him demanding I end a call to a dear friend by insisting on family time at that exact moment. He had very little interest to actually interact with me once I was off the phone.
As a wise pp stated, I need to stop trying to get through to him. It’s easier said than done especially when he twists things so much and berates me repeatedly saying how serious I am if I ever dare speak up.

A moment of realisation for me tonight when a poster in another thread spoke about
using food to fill the hole in their heart that the love they weren’t getting left there.

I mean I knew I was comfort eating to deal with how I’ve been feeling but the filling a hole in the heart part really hit home.

Today might be the final nail in the coffin in our marriage. He’s been beyond disrespectful to one of the dc this morning when all they were trying to do was make me breakfast. Dc had asked me to stay in the living room but I hated listening to him speak aggressively and not being able to intervene. I normally would intervene but knew that dc would be even more upset if I spoiled the surprise. The thing is most of the time it’s not what he says but how he says it. He has also said some pretty unkind stuff too.

I'm always ignored, in fact I've been off work all week and I've been ignored. No acknowledgement for mothers day, nothing.
He's now in the shed where he lives watching shit on his phone while I clean the house, do dinner, get uniforms ready. He sleeps out there. He came to bed last night but before that I can't remember the last time, last had sex in Jan.

Cunt.

@MaLarkinn sorry your relationship is in a bad way too. We’ve had a sex drought too. His work and his gaming take preference to showing care and affection to me. Do you think you will stay together or have you plans to leave him? It’s such a difficult call when there are dc involved.

@Feelingconfusedtonight sorry but your husband is a nasty horrible man. Being awful to your DC when they are trying to spoil you for mothers day is just unforgivable. Think of the damage this is doing - you need to protect them from his abuse.

There's so many threads about these awful men, I despair. You have freedom of choice here. Start showing care and affection to yourself, you don't need partner to provide this. It doesn't have to be difficult, start getting your ducks in a row and make plans to separate x

@crystalize I’m so torn about how to approach things given we are still in lockdown. There was another incident in the afternoon where he completely dismissed me and ended up causing problems for a family member. I just feel really trapped by it all.

I would start as @Opentooffers said - by disengaging for the time being. I know its difficult to say 'just leave him' and it takes time to accept this and take action to get the wheels in motion.

If you can start to detach emotionally, putting all the focus on you and DC, start visualizing your future without him. You don't have to discuss any of this with him and you don't need his permission to separate.

Remember he doesn't have your best interests at heart - his needs trump yours every time. That hole you described in your heart will never be healed by staying with him, it will just get bigger. Only YOU can start to repair that hole by showing love to yourself, recognizing you deserve more than someone who shows you contempt.

@crystalize thanks, some very wise words.
He’s being utterly obnoxious towards me one minute and then calling me honey the next. He apologised for his behaviour yet within minutes he was back to the same disrespectful crap.
He’s making decisions unilaterally which impact the whole family and even when I raise valid concerns I’m promptly dismissed. Physically I’m feeling awful too, not covid thank goodness.

Make the firm decision to do something about it and you will feel much better. It doesn't have to happen fast but start disengaging mentally and practically then work towards the practicalities of splitting. Don't feel sorry for him or take any blame, it is on him and you have tried enough.

@pog100 yes I’ve tried so hard over the years to try and get him to see things from mine and the dc’s perspective but it’s all in vain. I did marriage counselling years ago before I realised it was advised against when there was abuse involved. The marriage counsellor was utterly shocking. They wouldn’t get him to take responsibility for his actions as according to them there is no blame in a relationship. I just kept repeating ad nauseam that it was not about blame it was about him taking responsibility for his behaviour/actions. Not surprisingly, I didn’t continue with the counselling.
There was a situation over 7 years ago that should have made me walk away(not violence) but instead I’m still stuck with him.
I will start looking at getting my ducks in a row, I can’t continue to live like this and the dc deserve better.

Had some bad news today. Feel as if it’s a kick in the guts since it was a step towards getting my ducks in a row . Another opportunity has also been delayed significantly due to current covid restrictions.
I’ve got nobody irl to share my current situation with.

Ended up really distressed last night and cried myself to sleep. Took me by surprise just how upset I was last night, it was like the floodgates opened and there was no stopping it.

you deserve better love

@Feelingconfusedtonight - sounds like me for the past 3/5 years. My Dh would still continue to ignore me, luckily he is no longer here, i have divorced him.

@Geppili, @Eekay and @BaskingMad thank you

Omg, i just read more of the thread and you sound so much like me. We had couples councelling, 3 times in fact. And i also had some events 10 years ago where i nearly left but i didn’t. Now i wonder i should have done it back then...
My exh also has temper and his default mode is anger at home. Though he flat out denies he is shouting even when he is.
I’m so much happier without him here and don’t miss him one bit. Pretty unusual for a newly divorced but there we go.

Keep posting. Use this thread as as safe space to get support and think things through.

@BaskingMad sorry to hear you also struggled for so long. Even when he flies off the handle the most he will acknowledge is that he is being grouchy. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going to be honest.

DC piped up recently with Tom(a relative) destroys things but dad destroys feelings. The DC have never met Tom due to his behaviour but they are aware to a small extent of why they don’t see him.

I hate admitting this but I’m worried about the embarrassment of being divorced(it is very much viewed as an embarrassment within my circles/culture sadly) and also not being able to protect the dc when I’m not there. People say I’m not protecting them at the minute but how can I protect them at all when I’m not even there?

@Feelingconfusedtonight if you divorced, do you think you’d share childcare 50/50? That’s what me and exh agreed but in reality they spend one night per week each at his. My ex is in now my house a lot and i can keep an eye on his behaviour whilst i work. I’m not shy to come out and roar at him for shouting, funnily enough he pipes down and moderates his behaviour ever since we divorced.

Sorry to hear divorce is seen as embarrasment in your circles. I felt embarrassment when i was contemplating divorce those 3-5 years ago, thinking about what will neighbours say, what our friends will think. But by the time it came to it i didn’t care anymore as i just had to do it. My parents have accepted it but then my mum wanted to leave dad all my life just didn’t have the courage. So i’m seen as a courageous because i dared to do that in a way.

@BaskingMad I’m scared he will try and go for more than 50:50. He’s in a much better position both health wise and financially and has more family support. Tom is from my side of the family unfortunately :-(

How old is DC, sounds quite young?
I guess i am lucky in a way because my ex is quite reasonable and not malicious towards me. Your dh sounds more of on narcissistic/sociopathic side and those ppl can be increadibly damaging. Daddy is destroying feelings- this is heartbreaking. How long you’ve been married?

And you can always pm me if you wish