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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does he want me or her?

54 replies

ConstantQuality · 12/03/2021 21:10

I've been involved in a long-term affair (6 months) with a man who has a partner. She hasn't been around because they are long distance. Initially we were just friends and I didn't know he wasn't single so I developed really strong feelings for him. He was just everything I wanted. When he did tell me he had a girlfriend he underplayed it and made out it was quite casual so I thought there was hope.

After things turned physical, he initially regretted it and said he had a girlfriend and it couldn't happen again, but it did happen again a few months later and then again and again until it was quite regular. I admit I was the instigator but he didn't exactly stop it. I told him I loved him and I asked him if he could choose between me and his girlfriend and he said he chose her.

I tried to stop seeing him because I was upset, but couldn't stay away so the relationship continued. He kept saying it needed to end but then he would gently encourage me back with push - pull. I thought this meant his feelings were conflicted and I had hopes that he might change his mind and choose me.

It all reached a head when his girlfriend found out, after which he stopped contact with me and tried to fix things with his girlfriend. He sent me quite a cold email apologising for being selfish and letting something develop and saying he loved his girlfriend and wanted no contact so they could fix things.

I have tried really hard to get over him, but I can't. I send him lots of messages which he never replies to, but he doesn't block me. Do you think not blocking me means he still has feelings for me too and wants me to continue messaging?

I have seen him a few times and he has said hello or had a brief chat and I am in love with him so seemingly anything feels like it might be a sign to hope for. It's now been four months and I don't feel any better and can't stop thinking about him.

I thought he can't possibly really love his girlfriend if he wanted to be with me? He has never said he had feelings for me, he's always said he loves her, but my gut tells me he would not have spent so much time with me if there wasn't more to it.

OP posts:

fieldofstreams · 12/03/2021 21:13

🙄

Looseleaf · 12/03/2021 21:15

This is hard advice to hear but I would back well away and focus on positives in your life- the fact he saw you when knew full well he had a girl friend doesn’t reflect well on him from the start and he probably likes the attention but I would take strong heed of the fact he’s chosen to stay with her .
Continuing to contact him is not helpful , and it must be really hard to see clearly when you say you are in love with him but I really think it’s better for you to find someone better for you , or even to not need a partner until you’ve got past this.
I hope that helps as it can be so hard to see clearly when your feeling involved but this was never a good situation surely

Ruminating2020 · 12/03/2021 21:19

Get out.

Honeyroar · 12/03/2021 21:21

Your gut should be telling you he’s just used you and to run for the hills. He’s been as honest as a cheating bastard can be. He prefers her. When push came to shove he dropped you like a stone and ran after her (and more fool her for not binning him). He hasn’t replied to any of your messages. Yet the only tiny thing you’re focusing on is that he hasn’t blocked you!! Come on - get some pride. This is not live. This was sex. You never meant a thing to him. He told you all along he would choose her, you were never no 1. Sorry to be so harsh, but you really need to get some counselling or something. You need to raise your bar.

Ruminating2020 · 12/03/2021 21:22

He hasn't replied so I would take that as a clear message that he doesn't want to be in touch with you.

Slidepastthevoid · 12/03/2021 21:22

He basically used you for sex. Sorry.

He's told you he has no feelings for you, and that he loves her. I pity her frankly, thinking she should stay with a cheater.

I don't know why you think he has feelings for you deep down. Some people just don't block people, though what's also likely is that he wants to keep the communication open for some free sex in future.

If he wanted to be with you he would. If he had feelings for you he would say.

DianaT1969 · 12/03/2021 21:23

What most attracts you to a cheater? He didn't tell you in the beginning. He has been very cruel because he absolutely knew you were into him.
You want to know why he hasn't blocked you? He doesn't know if it will work out with her. If it doesn't, he might need casual sex again until he meets someone he wants.
I have to be brutally honest. It isn't you. He told you that.
Don't think this is about you not being good enough. He would have done this to anyone because he wanted sex while in a ldr. He isn't good enough.
I hope you can block him and move on.

RosemarysCat · 12/03/2021 21:24

Don't be a mug.

Wanderlusto · 12/03/2021 21:27

..stop being a twat.

And I'm normally pretty benefit of the doubty when it comes to the other woman. Even I think you're being a massive dick. And a fool.

chipsandgin · 12/03/2021 21:29

Have a little dignity & self respect & just stop....I’m cringing for you. Walk. Away. Now.

Then have a little word with yourself about the low bar you seem to have set yourself there, stop radiating desperation, stop stalking him and maybe get some counselling? He sounds like a total prick, he doesn’t love you, he’s a liar & a cheat - there are better men out there (most of them tbh, it wouldn’t take much...seriously that bar is low!)...

partyatthepalace · 12/03/2021 21:31

OP - you were a bit on the side is all - fun for him to string along. He couldn’t give two shits about you.

I know how horrible that sounds - but it reflects how he treated you - because he is a fucking dickhead. He’s stringing you along because he enjoys having power over you and it suits him in case his girlfriend finally kicks him out.

You can shut this down, you just don’t want to because you think it could work out - it won’t, he’ll just use you - and if he ever does ‘leave her for you’ he’ll be messing you about in the exact same way in 2 minutes.

He’s taken you for a fool. Block and delete him. Prepare to feel awful for a bit. Try and find people to lean on - and then move on.

justasmalltownmum · 12/03/2021 21:44

He literally told you, he chooses her.

imalmostthere · 12/03/2021 21:45

He has literally told you he chooses her.
He's never told you he has feelings for you.
He wants her and not you.
Seriously - have some self respect and just stop. Stop messaging, stop pining. You will look desperate and crazy. Just stop.

RedGoldAndGreene · 12/03/2021 21:51

He's not blocked you because it's a great ego boost to be told that someone loves you/misses you etc or his gf is monitoring messages to make sure he's not replying.