Does he want me or her?

[ConstantQuality]

I've been involved in a long-term affair (6 months) with a man who has a partner. She hasn't been around because they are long distance. Initially we were just friends and I didn't know he wasn't single so I developed really strong feelings for him. He was just everything I wanted. When he did tell me he had a girlfriend he underplayed it and made out it was quite casual so I thought there was hope.

After things turned physical, he initially regretted it and said he had a girlfriend and it couldn't happen again, but it did happen again a few months later and then again and again until it was quite regular. I admit I was the instigator but he didn't exactly stop it. I told him I loved him and I asked him if he could choose between me and his girlfriend and he said he chose her.

I tried to stop seeing him because I was upset, but couldn't stay away so the relationship continued. He kept saying it needed to end but then he would gently encourage me back with push - pull. I thought this meant his feelings were conflicted and I had hopes that he might change his mind and choose me.

It all reached a head when his girlfriend found out, after which he stopped contact with me and tried to fix things with his girlfriend. He sent me quite a cold email apologising for being selfish and letting something develop and saying he loved his girlfriend and wanted no contact so they could fix things.

I have tried really hard to get over him, but I can't. I send him lots of messages which he never replies to, but he doesn't block me. Do you think not blocking me means he still has feelings for me too and wants me to continue messaging?

I have seen him a few times and he has said hello or had a brief chat and I am in love with him so seemingly anything feels like it might be a sign to hope for. It's now been four months and I don't feel any better and can't stop thinking about him.

I thought he can't possibly really love his girlfriend if he wanted to be with me? He has never said he had feelings for me, he's always said he loves her, but my gut tells me he would not have spent so much time with me if there wasn't more to it.

Stay away from someone else's man.... What sort of woman are you???

Sometimes you need to listen and believe people when they tell you things.

He never misled you, he was always clear that it was his girlfriend he wanted to be with. If an attractive woman offers you no-strings sex, many men would go for it. Any kind of relationship, an affair, a fling, has some intimacy and deeper emotional layers. Don’t confuse them with love.

We, women, tend to be eternally optimistic and given a glimmer of hope, build a whole future around it. A few years down the line, do you want to be the woman still looking for signs that he secretly has feelings for you, instead of getting on with your life?

Work through your feelings, keep busy, distract yourself, throw yourself into work, avoid talking about him all the time with your friends. Meet other guys. It takes time and although it’s hard to imagine it now, you will get over those feelings.

I thought he can't possibly really love his girlfriend if he wanted to be with me?

But he didn't and doesn't want to be with you.

Having sex with you and hanging out with you a bit does not mean he wants to be with you.

He took the opportunity for some company and sex etc. on the side. It means he's unfaithful but that's his girlfriend's problem.

He's not even offering you the opportunity to be the person whose problem his infidelity is - because he's shown you twice now that he's not interested at all in a relationship with you.

First time you asked him to make a decision - he chose her.

Second time he'd finding out about his infidelity forced another decision - he chose her.

He hasn't blocked you for whatever reasons but he doesn't respond to any communication.

I'm sorry but I don't think.hed even get into a proper relationship with you if he was single. It doesn't sound like it anyway.

It was really shit of him not to be honest about his relationship status when you first hooked up - but when you found out you should have withdrawn from the situation.

Obviously you wanted to believe he was not committed and not happy and he'd move on to you - but that's what s million women who've had relationships/flings with attached men have thought, and most of them are now not in relationships with those men.

You're not the first and you won't be the last.

His lying by omission about his gf at the start was a sign he is not honest (and then continuing to see you and have sex with you while in a relationship, even if is long distance) and has low integrity. You should have paid attention to that big sign - but many of us have been equally naive & deluded. You're not the first and you won't be the last.

Stop contacting him, move on, in time try to meet someone else who's single.

Oh and don't envy his gf - she's with a cheater. And you'd be with a cheater if he'd chosen to get into a relationship with you.