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Original poster

Does he want me or her?

54 replies

ConstantQuality · 12/03/2021 21:10

I've been involved in a long-term affair (6 months) with a man who has a partner. She hasn't been around because they are long distance. Initially we were just friends and I didn't know he wasn't single so I developed really strong feelings for him. He was just everything I wanted. When he did tell me he had a girlfriend he underplayed it and made out it was quite casual so I thought there was hope.

After things turned physical, he initially regretted it and said he had a girlfriend and it couldn't happen again, but it did happen again a few months later and then again and again until it was quite regular. I admit I was the instigator but he didn't exactly stop it. I told him I loved him and I asked him if he could choose between me and his girlfriend and he said he chose her.

I tried to stop seeing him because I was upset, but couldn't stay away so the relationship continued. He kept saying it needed to end but then he would gently encourage me back with push - pull. I thought this meant his feelings were conflicted and I had hopes that he might change his mind and choose me.

It all reached a head when his girlfriend found out, after which he stopped contact with me and tried to fix things with his girlfriend. He sent me quite a cold email apologising for being selfish and letting something develop and saying he loved his girlfriend and wanted no contact so they could fix things.

I have tried really hard to get over him, but I can't. I send him lots of messages which he never replies to, but he doesn't block me. Do you think not blocking me means he still has feelings for me too and wants me to continue messaging?

I have seen him a few times and he has said hello or had a brief chat and I am in love with him so seemingly anything feels like it might be a sign to hope for. It's now been four months and I don't feel any better and can't stop thinking about him.

I thought he can't possibly really love his girlfriend if he wanted to be with me? He has never said he had feelings for me, he's always said he loves her, but my gut tells me he would not have spent so much time with me if there wasn't more to it.

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 13/03/2021 00:18

You don't love him, you don't know him. Google Limerance

May17th · 13/03/2021 00:24

This will get easier OP. Think of his GF it’s not fair to her. He has told you to be fair. I’m not sure how you have managed to even say hello to each other since.... but you need to avoid each other for the sake of your own sanity.

Get rid of his number and focus your energy into other things. It will pass Flowers

mimi0708 · 13/03/2021 00:24

Have some self-respect. He doesn't love you and doesn't care about you. He is a cheat and treats you like shit. I hope you can get over him as he doesn't deserve you.

LifeExperience · 13/03/2021 00:28

He doesn't want you. He hasn't blocked you because your longing for him feeds his ego, not because he has feelings for you.

Go NC and let him go. He isn't a good man and you deserve better.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 13/03/2021 02:07

I feel for his girlfriend, she should dump him .

Booboo24 · 13/03/2021 02:16

He couldn't be any clearer, I mean, he told you himself, he chose her. While he could get away with it he wanted both but when push came to shove he wanted her.

cerseii · 13/03/2021 02:31

You’re in love with him, but he’s in love with her unfortunately. He wants her much more than you

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/03/2021 09:26

Does he want her or you? He's repeatedly and definitively told you he wants her. So it's madness that you're asking strangers that question.

By the way, he will have told his girlfriend that you're mental, wouldn't leave him alone, obsessed with him etc. Your messages are the perfect way for him to continue that narrative to her, she is probably reading them. Every time you message he's likely showing her and saying see I told you she's a nutter.

It is cringeworthy that you're still messaging him. I'm sorry but it is.

You say you've tried really hard to get over him, but what does that mean? Have you tried counselling? Have you tried confiding in people for support? Have you tried speaking to your GP about your anxiety? Because what you're doing at the moment (just 'trying') isn't working.

You are currently harassing someone who wants nothing to do with you at all. That's the crux of it.

ClarkeGriffin · 13/03/2021 09:48

There was no more to it op. You were easy access to sex for him, that's it. He has no love for you at all. He will never, ever want you.

Move on and accept that, and don't sleep with people who are in a relationship again.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/03/2021 10:05

He chose her. More fool her she stuck by him.

Stop contacting him. You’re harassing him. That’s a crime.

Sammiesnake · 13/03/2021 10:13

You need to stop contacting him - you are harassing him. He has been very clear that he doesn’t want you, why aren’t you listening? Claiming that you love someone whilst ignoring that they’ve clearly told you they want no contact from you is actually really dangerous behaviour. I would suggest you leave this man alone and get some counselling.

SilverRoe · 13/03/2021 10:22

Aside from his girlfriend, if a man you’ve been having sex with ends it then doesn’t tell you to stop harassing him with loads of messages/block you, he’s getting something out of it - probably an ego boost.

From what you’ve said you’ve bombarded this man with adoration, offers of sex and four months on you’re still at it. He should have followed through with blocking you. How have you ended up seeing him a few times since? Do you know each other in some capacity like a hobby or work?

If that’s the case he might be worried you’re going to get nasty if he does block you and is trying to half-assed keep you at arms length.

He may well love his girlfriend and he may not, he was ok to cheat on her after all. But it seems pretty clear he does not want you in that way so you’re on a hiding to nothing and prolonging the pain by begging and holding out hope.

SilverRoe · 13/03/2021 10:23

And I agree with sammiesnake - ignoring someone who has said they want no contact and harassing them is not love, it’s obsession.

Bluntness100 · 13/03/2021 10:26

Gosh Op. where’s you dignity and self respect? He’s actually told you straight. He doesn’t wish to bee involved with you emotionally and wants his girlfriend. He couldn’t be any clearer. Of course he doesn’t want you constantly harassing him just because he hasn’t blocked you.

Scrunchy95 · 13/03/2021 10:34

Move on, you should be with someone who chases you. All you are doing is giving this twat an ego boost. His girlfriend should move on too. What a useless prick.

DontFuckItUp · 13/03/2021 10:40

Get yourself some self respect
He hasn't blocked you cos he loving all the attention. And probably laughing at you as well

Dery · 13/03/2021 12:28

Dear OP - we can all hear that this is very painful for you but your ability to recover is in fact in your hands. You say you have tried to get over him but you also say you are continuing to send him messages. So the reality is that you haven't really tried to get over him at all. He's made very clear that he wants her not you. There's no question here. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. There isn't more to it except that he enjoyed the additional sex. There is no romance here. No star-crossed love.

Stop throwing yourself at him. Can you imagine just how that makes you look to him? Think about the messages that you are sending him - you're telling him that you're desperate for him, that you don't value yourself; that you can be walked all over and you will come back for more. How can you even want a man who behaves so badly? What did you learn about relationships growing up to think that any of this is okay? As PP have said, you really need to work on your self-respect and your self-esteem.

There are only bad reasons for why he hasn't blocked you - he probably gets an ego boost from being chased; he may be keeping you on the back burner for when his girlfriend realises what a tosser he actually is and ends it (you know this man is a cheat; he's hardly a prize); he and his girlfriend may be laughing at your messages; he may be scared of what you'll do if he blocks you.

Your approach to this is really unhealthy and, like PP, I think you would benefit from some counselling. He doesn't owe you a relationship. Most adults have loved someone who didn't love them back at some time or other in their lives. Most adults have also been the person who didn't love someone else back, too. It's natural to feel very sad and hurt when that happens and to grieve for a while, but you also have a responsibility to yourself to move on instead of feeding the wound, which is what you're doing. Stop wasting time on someone you know is a cheat. Stop throwing yourself at a man who has said he doesn't want you. If broken hearts didn't heal, most of the world would be permanently grieving. Learn the lessons that this experience has taught you (including that you need to walk away when it's over whether or not you wanted it to continue). You need to get really busy with other things. Throw yourself into other interests. Learn to value yourself. You will get over this. Start doing the things that will help you heal instead of repeatedly reopening the wound.

YukoandHiro · 13/03/2021 12:38

This is going to be hard to hear but try to take it on board: even if he DOES eventually choose you, it won't be as you imagine. You know the truth: he's a cheat. He showed no respect for his gf or for you and your feelings in allowing the friendship to develop into something more while in another relationship .
That won't change. He won't change.
Move on and find yourself someone who truly loves you.

IsIgnoranceBliss · 14/03/2021 02:54

In answer to your question - he wants her, not you.

A poster put this on another thread: “you are not chasing men in relationships because you are are single, you single because you are chasing men in relationships”. Change your behaviour, and find someone who isn’t a cheater.

Aprilx · 14/03/2021 07:00

To your question, he plainly wants her not you. Poor woman, he is not much of a catch.

He hasn’t blocked you because he likes the attention, he probably dines out on stories about his stalker. Block him oh he won’t block you.

Eckhart · 14/03/2021 07:04

I tried to stop seeing him because I was upset, but couldn't stay away

You chose to see him knowing it would cause more upset for you. Work out why you failed yourself in this way. You have to choose him or you. Mutually exclusive. Either live the rest of your life feeling hooked on him, or choose you.

GreenBalaclava · 14/03/2021 07:08

He doesn't love you OP. Stop messaging him and delete his number.

Tangogolf55 · 14/03/2021 08:07

He doesn’t want you. Regain dignity and delete his contact details

4Mongrels · 14/03/2021 08:10

I can’t believe there’s two women that think he’s a catch.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/03/2021 09:01

The only feelings he has for you are in his balls.

How old are you OP? You sound really naive and gullible (sorry!) to think that men can't fuck someone other than their partner without having emotions about it.

You have been a convenient shag for him at a time when his partner is too far away for him to fuck as regularly as he'd like. That's it. That's the whole non-relationship, in his mind.

Wake up! You won't meet someone who's right for you while you're still moping over this fuckboy. Do the most loving thing you can for yourself right now and block him.

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