He won’t introduce me to his kids

[loulim]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some advice. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 and a half years and in general we are a great match - similar interests, values, sexually compatible and we have fun together. We got together a year after his 15 year marriage broke down, which in hindsight was too soon as he was still healing.

We keep clashing on the issue of his 2 boys (age 17 and 9). He first mentioned me meeting after about 6 months (I never suggested it) yet when he mentioned this to his ex she was upset and asked if he could wait longer to which he agreed. I was fine with this at that time.

Shortly after this his Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and about 9 months later he passed away, which has left a massive void in his life - they were so close. He’s struggled so much with this loss. Meeting the kids was never mentioned for a long period of time and I completely understood that his grief took over everything.

A year has passed since then and there’s still no sign of me meeting them. I appreciate lockdown has added problems to this, but as I live alone, he is my support bubble that I choose to spend time with. He does lots of walking and outdoorsy stuff with them and I’m wondering why he doesn’t start to include me with that. When I raise the issue he gets defensive. He told his sons about me in November, so they know I exist. It’s just becoming increasingly frustrating for me and the source of all arguments. He shuts down whenever I mention it or we fight. Recently we’ve gone a few days at a time without speaking. Since January both our workloads have increased and as he has his sons 50% of the time, our time together is limited and we are both often tired or stressed. There’s no quality time any more.

I don’t know what to do - we’re both making each other unhappy - I feel excluded from a massive part of his life. He feels pressurised. I know he’s scared of upsetting his youngest, his ex doesn’t currently have a partner but he’s terrified of his sons having a make presence in their lives.

I’d love us to have greater freedom, flexibility and just able to make plans without being limited by a schedule. He says I’d be good with his boys (I’m used to kids as a teacher). But I don’t know what is stopping him. He even had a plan for me to meet them in a cafe just before Xmas but national lockdown scuppered that. Am I being impatient? My boyfriend is also extremely stubborn so can also dig his heels in.

I’m not a mum, I don’t know how that feels. I’d like to be involved in his kid’s lives. I just don’t know how we can ever have a fulfilling relationship. I don’t know how we can have a dialogue about it as he shuts down or it escalates into a row.

Please advise me. It’s upsetting to feel this way. Thank you for reading!

Thanks

My boyfriend is also extremely stubborn so can also dig his heels in.

If it's not working for you, call it a day and find a more easy-going boyfriend. Stubbornness isn't brilliant, is it?

It certainly isn’t. He’s cutting off his nose to spite his face I feel at times.

Sorry, op, but this just isn't working. After all this time you're still like a dirty little secret. He is not willing to have you as a full part of his life, and it's all on his terms. I wouldn't put up with it. Move on.

You are being made a fool of here. 2.5 years! That's insane. You could quite easily be married in that length of time. For me this would be an absolute no. It would literally be a case of "I meet them within the next four weeks or it's over" and mean it.

I would seriously be asking yourself how likely it is you will have met them at the 4 years period at this rate. Where does that leave you if he decides he never wants you to meet them?

I suspect his ex has put all sorts of barriers in the way, under the guise of covid perhaps. But he probably doesn't want to tell you that as it'll look like he's under the thumb, which could explain his defensiveness.
Either that or he doesn't think the relationship is going to last so doesn't want you to meet them/join them for days out.
You could hang around until covid restrictions are easier and see if things change.

I had this, but it was my DP's family he refused to introduce me to, he didn't have DC. His parents were in Scotland, we were in London. His 2 sisters lived near him, he also didn't sort his divorce out. After 3 years of not meeting his family it was very hurtful, like I'm not important enough to him. When his mum died suddenly I told him to fuck off home and not talk to me about it. Before anyone bollocks me for this he later thanked me for giving him space when actually I was ignoring him

It's very hard OP. I've been with someone a bit less time than you and he has been exactly the same. Early on he was suggesting meeting his kids, which with hindsight he knew I would decline - too soon.

But when I asked to meet them recently he has found excuses. In my case I suspect he doesnt want to upset his ex wife and/or he isn't sure about the relationship. Have you been solid the whole period, or have you broken up ever? How often do you get to see him? You have my sympathy.

In the earlier days we had a few ups and downs and again now - but it all centres around this issue of his kids at the moment. Sometimes I wonder if it is about not upsetting his ex, which then hurts as he is prioritising her feelings over mine...

How have your discussions with him turned out YellowHello?

It’s possible his children don’t want to meet you and so he’s stalling rather than have to tell you that they don’t. But if any mention of anything to do with his DC causes a fight then you’re never going to work out what the problem is, and if the majority of your time together is spent stressed and annoyed, I’d really be considering ending it. It’s the problem with dating people with DC, especially when you don’t have any of your own: the DC are always going to be the priority, you can’t ever expect that to change, and it ultimately makes you voiceless.

I wonder OP if he feels differently about you now than he did ,when you were only 6 mths into the relationship? Maybe he has realised he is a different person to who he was 2 yrs ago?

His youngest is still only 9 and i would not introduce anyone to my DC's unless i was sure they were going to be around forever. As a result i have never introduced anyone to my children as i really do not want to ever live in a partnership/ marriage/ another person in our home etc. In saying that i have always made my position clear to partners from the start and my Dc's are not aware of anyone ever. Also, if he was married for 15 yrs he may not want to marry / live with someone again but happy to be in a relationship of sorts.

I think i would focus less on meeting his children and ask him to be honest with you about where the relationship is going. If he is in it for the long term, you will eventually meet his children. I see little point on you forcing that issue now.

With kindness OP if i were their mother, i would be concerned about my children meeting ex's new partners as there could in theory possibly be a succession of them iyswim? My ExDH also does not want to marry again or live with someone so our DC's have never had to meet a new partner. We are both late 40's OP and if either of us have a "companion" in later yrs that will be different as DC's will be grown up ( they are almost now anyway). and leading their own lives and homes so won't be an issue then that will affect them or their hime life.

Ultimately OP you need to establish where your relationship is headed and if you both have different plans, at least you will know and can make decisions for yourself based on that. I hope it works out for you.

I've had experience of this kind of thing. He made excuses for ages. It was due to his ex. She had made it into a loyalty battle between them hurting her and meeting me. ( I wasnt the OW or anything, plus she was remarried herself by this time) It didnt really get any better and we broke up.

"Sometimes I wonder if it is about not upsetting his ex, which then hurts as he is prioritising her feelings over mine..."

No, i suspect this is more about his feelings and predominately concerns for his children and not wanting them messed around with people in and out of their lives. I do respect for him that but appreciate that it is not working for you.

"@meanwhilebacktobasics It didnt really get any better and we broke up."

This is exactly why it is best not to bring children into relationships until they are long term/well established over years and/or formalised. Someone with children is always going to have an Ex. If that dynamic is hard to handle then inserting yourself in their children's lives is a waste of time and not beneficial to children.

Seems like he has made something into a drama that doesnt need to be. The older kid is practically an adult so why can't you meet him at least. Even the younger kid, it's not like your asking to be a big part of their life even.

I think I'd be making time for coffee with his ex. To make her more comfortable with me so that I'd know she wasn't the reason he was keeping us apart and so that she could see I was a suitable person to have around her child.

I feel that this response sums it up. He’s told me that he’s far from wanting to live with me (or anyone) after his long term marriage.

I do wonder if it’s because they don’t want to meet me. At Christmas his ex texted him to say when she had asked the youngest what he wanted for Xmas, he said it was for his family to be back together.

He sounds very emotionally unavailable, op. Everything is his way or the highway. Move on.

It sounds like his boys might not want to meet you. Tbh 2.5 years might not seem very long to them at their ages.

I'd end it and move on.

You are his rebound girl . Time to move on .

told me that he’s far from wanting to live with me (or anyone) after his long term marriage. So he HAS told you what his intentions are? You are wasting your time. He wants you as a part of his life, but it needs to fit around his priority which is his family unit- kids and ex. I think you have given it 2.5years and time to call it a day. Sorry op.

I think it tells a great deal about how he perceives you place in his life.
I, personally wouldn't be happy

@loulim Please do not speculate on what his children feel, they do not know about you so cannot have any feelings towards you.

Kids always ask that a xmas. My 14 yr old asked me the other day if dad could come on holiday with us 3 this yr. Me and ExDh are now talking to our DC's about this and the benefits of 2 separate holidays! But, Dad is always here , a good man, a great father and present daily in our lives, just not right for me.

You have said in yr post that your DP has communicated he is not sure he wants another relationship. He sounds a lot like me. You need to talk to him and ask him to be honest about the relationship. He has already told you he does not want that again. You need to hear him.

This is not his kids or their mum. Neither of those have any negativity towards you.

This is him and this is you.

Yes, l agree that it could be his sons are not willing to meet you.
Maybe they are hoping parents will get back together.
It could be easier for you in a way to stay as situation is for now, and see what develops. If you can't accept the situation, which l appreciate is difficult for you, then maybe call it a day.

It sounds like it’s been tense and difficult for some time.

Not exactly best environment to be introducing kids to a new partner

Just like you, he is doubting the longevity of the relationship. In his position no way would I be introducing my kids.

Thank you for all replies it’s giving me a lot to think about and see from different perspectives.