He won’t introduce me to his kids

[loulim]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some advice. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 and a half years and in general we are a great match - similar interests, values, sexually compatible and we have fun together. We got together a year after his 15 year marriage broke down, which in hindsight was too soon as he was still healing.

We keep clashing on the issue of his 2 boys (age 17 and 9). He first mentioned me meeting after about 6 months (I never suggested it) yet when he mentioned this to his ex she was upset and asked if he could wait longer to which he agreed. I was fine with this at that time.

Shortly after this his Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and about 9 months later he passed away, which has left a massive void in his life - they were so close. He’s struggled so much with this loss. Meeting the kids was never mentioned for a long period of time and I completely understood that his grief took over everything.

A year has passed since then and there’s still no sign of me meeting them. I appreciate lockdown has added problems to this, but as I live alone, he is my support bubble that I choose to spend time with. He does lots of walking and outdoorsy stuff with them and I’m wondering why he doesn’t start to include me with that. When I raise the issue he gets defensive. He told his sons about me in November, so they know I exist. It’s just becoming increasingly frustrating for me and the source of all arguments. He shuts down whenever I mention it or we fight. Recently we’ve gone a few days at a time without speaking. Since January both our workloads have increased and as he has his sons 50% of the time, our time together is limited and we are both often tired or stressed. There’s no quality time any more.

I don’t know what to do - we’re both making each other unhappy - I feel excluded from a massive part of his life. He feels pressurised. I know he’s scared of upsetting his youngest, his ex doesn’t currently have a partner but he’s terrified of his sons having a make presence in their lives.

I’d love us to have greater freedom, flexibility and just able to make plans without being limited by a schedule. He says I’d be good with his boys (I’m used to kids as a teacher). But I don’t know what is stopping him. He even had a plan for me to meet them in a cafe just before Xmas but national lockdown scuppered that. Am I being impatient? My boyfriend is also extremely stubborn so can also dig his heels in.

I’m not a mum, I don’t know how that feels. I’d like to be involved in his kid’s lives. I just don’t know how we can ever have a fulfilling relationship. I don’t know how we can have a dialogue about it as he shuts down or it escalates into a row.

Please advise me. It’s upsetting to feel this way. Thank you for reading!

Thanks

I think if you were divorced with kids as well, then it would probably be an ideal relationship. Separate houses and domestic lives with meet ups as and when for sex/companionship/dates.

But you are probably wanting a live in relationship and DCs of your own and no-one could criticise you for that. This man really isn't on the same page is he?

I think you are probably going to have to face facts and accept that if you want a "proper" relationship with marriage and kids, you will have to look elsewhere. Sorry OP. You sound like a really nice person and this man is wasting your time.

"You sound like a really nice person and this man is wasting your time".

You really do OP and i sincerely hope you find a life partner deserving of you. If you were my ExDH's long time partner, i would be happy for my Dc's to have you in their lives.

[quote CatherineofOnandon]@loulim Please do not speculate on what his children feel, they do not know about you so cannot have any feelings towards you.

Kids always ask that a xmas. My 14 yr old asked me the other day if dad could come on holiday with us 3 this yr. Me and ExDh are now talking to our DC's about this and the benefits of 2 separate holidays! But, Dad is always here , a good man, a great father and present daily in our lives, just not right for me.

You have said in yr post that your DP has communicated he is not sure he wants another relationship. He sounds a lot like me. You need to talk to him and ask him to be honest about the relationship. He has already told you he does not want that again. You need to hear him.

This is not his kids or their mum. Neither of those have any negativity towards you.

This is him and this is you. [/quote]
@CatherineofOnandon

There is some irony in you telling the OP off for speculating on what her partners kids might feel as they don’t know about her (she has said they do) and then the next para telling her that her partner sounds like you - how do you know he’s anything like you, since you don’t know him . You are allowed to project but the OP can’t speculate?!

OP, he doesn’t sound very invested to me, so I think you should cut your losses. He has has a tough couple of years and it sound like he doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth. He’s telling you this, albeit less directly than he should. This situation is no reflection on you and you can’t fix it. In your shoes I would move on, so eventually you can find someone new and in the meantime enjoy being at the centre of your life, rather than the edge of someone else’s.

Don't you think you deserve a boyfriend who's actually there for you? You don't have kids, your time is your own, this man likes things how they are with his convenient part-time girlfriend. Is this how you want to waste more of your time? Honestly, move on.

"@partyatthepalace There is some irony in you telling the OP off for speculating on what her partners kids might feel as they don’t know about her (she has said they do) and then the next para telling her that her partner sounds like you - how do you know he’s anything like you, since you don’t know him . You are allowed to project but the OP can’t speculate?! "

@partyatthepalace Did you read the op's post where she said " I feel that this response sums it up. He’s told me that he’s far from wanting to live with me (or anyone) after his long term marriage".

[quote CatherineofOnandon]"**@partyatthepalace There is some irony in you telling the OP off for speculating on what her partners kids might feel as they don’t know about her (she has said they do) and then the next para telling her that her partner sounds like you - how do you know he’s anything like you, since you don’t know him . You are allowed to project but the OP can’t speculate?! "

@partyatthepalace Did you read the op's post where she said " I feel that this response sums it up. He’s told me that he’s far from wanting to live with me (or anyone) after his long term marriage". [/quote]
Yop. That doesn’t explain why you get to speculate and she doesn’t.

Right now I’m feeling like perhaps I was his ‘security blanket’ as he adjusted to life outside of his marriage. I just don’t know. I’m feeling very hurt and very confused.

Meet soomeone better instead he sounds like its a waste of time allways some sort of excuse or other !

Ditch him

Life's too short

You could do better for himself than this one.

He sounds like he is making so much excuses cause he is a weak wimpy kind of guy who allways or often has to please his stronger ex partner mother of his children

And I think he may have issues about longevity of this relantship and just does not to hurt you in any way and does not have the Cofindence to say that he feels like this,
Obviously these Lockdowns have made a lot of relantships problematic too.

If you like see if things improve with lockdown restrictions lifting ,give it limited time period to see if things change improve noticeable ,if they do not Clearly.

Dump him,
Give him a ultimatum !

You have got to ask yourself why is its such head/hard work this relantship

Why are you not gradually been more involved in his family priorties then?

Why is your partner been treating you in the past like a guilty secret, like you are his mistress or something on the side lines then?

I think its really time to have a re think re evaluate this relantship as is really what I want or be treated as such as such low down in his list of priorities,
like you are after thought in his life especially when it comes to the most important Aspect of his life.

Its not on really is it !

Its not fair to you too

Is he a lot older than you? Is this really want you want? I’d move on and find someone with a lot less emotional baggage.

Oops sorry,
I ment to say you could do better than this one,
he sounds like a damp squib, a wet lettuce.

Nothing much going for him really come to think of it,
is there really.!

@CatherineofOnandon

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

@CatherineofOnandon

Not in the slightest bit goady or gin filled, and I have indeed read the thread, just gently amused by your apparently quite deep belief that you can speculate on what the OP’s partner might feel, but will not allow her to speculate on what he kids might think, despite having gone out with the man for over 2 years. But you know, you do you

@partyatthepalace bore off!

You gut emotion instinct is correct
Go with this

Its telling you that's all you really are is his security blanket his rebound girlfriend/Partner !

@CatherineofOnandon

Mate, you were rather arrogantly telling the OP off for speculating, while cheerfully doing the same yourself - and you got called on it.

Either accept it, or let it go - both somewhat more mature responses than writing rude posts and then deleting them. Else I am going to have to assume it’s you on the 🍸😁

@partyatthepalace i was not rude at all , i deleted my response to you as i decided you are not worth a full response and MN agreed.

[quote CatherineofOnandon]@partyatthepalace i was not rude at all , i deleted my response to you as i decided you are not worth a full response and MN agreed. [/quote]
@CatherineofOnandon

Calling someone ‘a goady gin fuelled f**ker’ because they called you on your inconsistency is quiiiite rude.

@loulim

I feel that this response sums it up. He’s told me that he’s far from wanting to live with me (or anyone) after his long term marriage.

I do wonder if it’s because they don’t want to meet me. At Christmas his ex texted him to say when she had asked the youngest what he wanted for Xmas, he said it was for his family to be back together.

I don't think he is emotionally available for you. I don't think he has moved on. Sorry.

Sorry he's been stringing you along. But by bit, you are starting to realise he doesn't have the intentions that you hoped for by now.

It seems he wants you in a separate compartment in his life, rather than a fulfilling partnership sharing a life. This suits him. He can have time with you, and time with his family, more convenient for him even if he has to argue with you. Perhaps he finds that an easier option than arguing with his ex.

But he hasn't thought properly what this might feel like for you.

You sound very nice op.

But having read lots of threads on the subject on here it sounds like many second marriages/relationships never have a nice resolution of a happy blended family unfortunately.

He clearly isn’t as much into you as you are with him. He’s reluctant to introduce you as I guess that would be seen as quite a big step, and he isn’t sure if you’re ‘the one’. Generally it’s women who take time introducing a new partner; men tend to want to form a new family unit with their DCs and new partners pretty quick. He probably feels that if he introduces you to them he is sealing a commitment with you. That’s how I see it.

I’d love us to have greater freedom, flexibility and just able to make plans without being limited by a schedule.

Maybe he is lovely but just not right for you This is no shame attached to admitting that.

Hi op I’m wondering if the ex is going on those walks with them.
How often is he seeing them - it usually would be every other weekend and a night in the week?
If the 9 year old wants them to get back together I would assume he’s spending time with his ex so the 9 year old sees them “together”
My sons 11 and his Dad just got remarried. It’s a big adjustment for them but they do adjust.
I’d seriously question if he has really left the marriage or he has one foot in the door still.

we’re both making each other unhappy - I feel excluded from a massive part of his life. He feels pressurised. I know he’s scared of upsetting his youngest, his ex doesn’t currently have a partner but he’s terrified of his sons having a male presence in their lives.

He prefers to keep you and his kids separate. There's nothing wrong with that, but if you're not happy about it, then you need to make a decision about staying in the relationship.

He doesn't want to integrate you into their lives. His youngest isn't ready for his dad to be in a relationship and it's wise not to introduce you to them at the moment.

It's not just about the length and stability of your relationship, but how the children feel about their parents in new relationships.

If you want children yourself or you want to progress to living together, this isn't the relationship for you.