He won’t introduce me to his kids

[loulim]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some advice. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 and a half years and in general we are a great match - similar interests, values, sexually compatible and we have fun together. We got together a year after his 15 year marriage broke down, which in hindsight was too soon as he was still healing.

We keep clashing on the issue of his 2 boys (age 17 and 9). He first mentioned me meeting after about 6 months (I never suggested it) yet when he mentioned this to his ex she was upset and asked if he could wait longer to which he agreed. I was fine with this at that time.

Shortly after this his Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and about 9 months later he passed away, which has left a massive void in his life - they were so close. He’s struggled so much with this loss. Meeting the kids was never mentioned for a long period of time and I completely understood that his grief took over everything.

A year has passed since then and there’s still no sign of me meeting them. I appreciate lockdown has added problems to this, but as I live alone, he is my support bubble that I choose to spend time with. He does lots of walking and outdoorsy stuff with them and I’m wondering why he doesn’t start to include me with that. When I raise the issue he gets defensive. He told his sons about me in November, so they know I exist. It’s just becoming increasingly frustrating for me and the source of all arguments. He shuts down whenever I mention it or we fight. Recently we’ve gone a few days at a time without speaking. Since January both our workloads have increased and as he has his sons 50% of the time, our time together is limited and we are both often tired or stressed. There’s no quality time any more.

I don’t know what to do - we’re both making each other unhappy - I feel excluded from a massive part of his life. He feels pressurised. I know he’s scared of upsetting his youngest, his ex doesn’t currently have a partner but he’s terrified of his sons having a make presence in their lives.

I’d love us to have greater freedom, flexibility and just able to make plans without being limited by a schedule. He says I’d be good with his boys (I’m used to kids as a teacher). But I don’t know what is stopping him. He even had a plan for me to meet them in a cafe just before Xmas but national lockdown scuppered that. Am I being impatient? My boyfriend is also extremely stubborn so can also dig his heels in.

I’m not a mum, I don’t know how that feels. I’d like to be involved in his kid’s lives. I just don’t know how we can ever have a fulfilling relationship. I don’t know how we can have a dialogue about it as he shuts down or it escalates into a row.

Please advise me. It’s upsetting to feel this way. Thank you for reading!

Thanks

You sound like a security blanket. It’s all a bit ouch really. Every woman needs to be wary of being the one after a long term marriage ends. He hasn’t worked out what he wants yet. None of it reads as being loving. He’s just not that into you is he? What do YOU want. Stop getting hooked onto his life. Think about your own. Do you want to be a mum? Think carefully. Are you really giving that up for a bloke who won’t introduce you to his kids after 2.5 years. !!! Really? You’re giving up your chance of watching your own kids grow up for this guy. This guy who treats you as the most wonderful thing that ever happened to him right? Will do anything for you right? Puts you first right? Wrong

No the ex definitely doesn’t go on the walks with them. Their divorce has just been finalised. He is hurt by the way she ended the marriage without seeking counselling. He found that traumatic and when we first got together he was still healing but he definitely does not want to go back to her and she doesn’t go walking with them.

@loulim He’s told me that he’s far from wanting to live with me (or anyone) after his long term marriage.

Op, he does not want a committed relationship, he has told you he does not want to live with anyone after his marriage. You have to respect that. If you want more, you need to move on from this relationship.

Depends what you want. I’ve been with my bf for over 2 years but am not fussed about being with him and his kids, although I have met them twice. I don’t want a blended family, don’t want to be a step mum and don’t want a step dad for my kids. So we aren’t going to live together for at least the next 4 years: But I am 100% committed to a future with him. It works for us but only because we are both happy to live 2 different lives for now. If you’re not then it is probably time to say goodbye.

OP, looking at the level of conflict abd drama around your existence when you have not even met them, I was going to say that you may be better off not meeting them, it is not that bad, you keep alternate weekends to yourself which you can use to meet with your friends, do things you enjoy and catch up with yourself. BUT...

Now that you mention he has told you he had no intention to live with you whatsoever, I would say there’s no point in wasting your very valuable time with someone who has already said clearly that you are not the one for him and who is making you unhappy about this.

Most of us divorced or separated parents welcome a partner who shows interest in becoming part of the family and is nice to the kids. He obviously doesn’t know how difficult it is to find someone that is good for both him and his kids, so I would say through this eel back in the water and get someone who doesn’t carry so much baggage. It is bad enough dealing with a man who has been left agains his wishes by his ex, but if the ex left him and is now making him feel guilty and a bad parent for moving on, you just got embroiled with a pair of selfish idiots who cannot let go of their old marriage’s dramas.

Besides, the older you get the more reduced the pool of suitable replacement candidates becomes. Do not waste another year with this loser.

Throw the eel back, not through (it was the autocorrect Miss, obviously)

On Mumsnet the common saying is that "he should be putting his children first"
He seems to be doing this

You said that his divorce has just finalised

I don't think that he is in any hurry to integrate you more into his life

I would end the relationship, if you want to live with someone he is not the man for you

Hi. Did it work out in the end? I’m in this situation and I’d love advice

Does his ex know about you? Have they finalised their divorce? Is he trying to ‘keep the peace’?

Zombie thread….

Hi lemonmelonpie. It did work out in the end. A few months after I posted this, covid restrictions were lifted properly and I met the younger son first - this was easier for me as I teach 10 year olds - and then a couple of days later I met both his sons together. My partner said his big regret was not doing it sooner as he never expected it could have gone so well. He said he was so nervous about how they would react and his ex wife causing issues. They still have their ups and downs that centre around their very different parenting styles but most of the time it’s quite calm now between them. In the last 2 years, I have been on trips and holidays with my partner and his sons and I see them regularly. When I’m not there my partner’s youngest son asks if I can come over! Let me know if you want to chat. Sometimes it can be incredibly lonely being in this position when you don’t know other people in the same boat.

Hi Loulim
I'm in this situation. I'd really appreciate being able to talk about this as no one I know gets it.
My partner has two kids age 17 and 11 with different mothers. I have been introduced to the 17 year old for about 21/2 years now and we get on great, however the younger son does not know about me. I feel so shut out. I understood for the first couple of years but now it actually makes me doubt myself like I'm not good enough or something, or he doesn't love me enough. It's so hard to explain but it is feeding into me negatively now and I'm so scared to bring it up as I get it's his relationship with his son and he doesn't want to damage it. However we've been dating 3 years now and realistically that makes me feel so insignificant from 50% of his life. Son 2 gets to interact with any other person in my partners life except for me. I have two daughters 19 & 21 who have always known about him and he's met several times, and certainly wouldn't want to take away from his time with his son 2. I am not demanding or a threat to their time together. However feel it's really odd and not normal that he doesn't even know who I am even in terms of simply being just a friend of his dad. Am I over reacting? I want to bring this up again (it's been parked before he tends to blame his son's mums reaction ) but am so scared I will cry and reveal how much this is now affecting me. I don't want to make it about me but it really hurts. And the reality is 50% of week i can't see him (or chat with him) and can't even pop in for dinner or a cup of tea etc I feel now this is really abnormal.
Do I keep this hidden until he initiates it or what is the best way to approach it as I hate conflict however it is really getting to me now It defo needs discussed, but I had hoped it would come naturally from him. His ex is hard work everything about contact is always last minute and very disorganised and controlling. When we have talked before he was worried ex would kind of take it out on the child etc She is very petty in other ways I have seen first hand. But I do feel it can't be about her for the rest of his life surely? But equally I don't want to sound like a cow bringing this up.