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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'You're not qualified to have an opinion'

96 replies

justab · 11/03/2021 23:46

Is it normal for my partner to say things like this to me if I comment on things? Such as a tv show he is watching when he asks me a question. I can't tell if I'm sensitive or if he's just horrible and trying to stop me from being a person. I'm so sick of it, I have a 7mo baby and these comments have got more frequent since I have birth. I feel worthless.

OP posts:
FTEngineerM · 12/03/2021 09:05

In that case @justab he’s definitely being an arsehole.

You can’t ask someone’s opinion then say ‘you’re not qualified to give an opinion’ did he just want a new reason to put you down?

MarshmallowAra · 12/03/2021 09:05

@FTEngineerM

I said that *@MarshmallowAra* the last sentenceSmile but I don’t think you can judge based on one side which doesn’t contain the whole story.
You don't need the whole story to judge someone who says the sort of thing op's partner has said to her.

As I said, no-one decent would phrase it like that.

Even in circumstances where they are an expert in a specialist subject.

Would Mary Beard say to some spoofing member of the public (about Roman antiquity) "you are not qualified to have an opinion". I can't imagine that in a month of Sundays - because she's a well-adjusted, polite person. She'd try to communicate what it was she thought was incorrect, try to inform them, and not be derogatory.

And I bet op's partner is not an expert on the subject matter that led to his comment.

FTEngineerM · 12/03/2021 09:11

Turns out he wasn’t an expert @MarshmallowAra and is in fact being an arsehole.

We’re all coming at this with our own experiences. It doesn’t make anyone wrong.

Fireflygal · 12/03/2021 09:14

@FTEngineerM, op clearly said that he undermines her often. This wasn't a one off incident. In any case saying that your partner is "isn't qualified to have an opinion" is hostile and disrespectful. He can disagree but he can't say she isn't allowed an opinion. An opinion is a view not necessarily based on facts but often experience.

There is a reason why people assume abuse because a mum with a new baby doesn't jump on a forum if it was a one off comment. It will be a pattern of behaviour.

Op, I'm sorry, your partner seems determined to undermine you and damage your self esteem. It's his issue not you.

MarshmallowAra · 12/03/2021 09:21

@FTEngineerM

Turns out he wasn’t an expert *@MarshmallowAra* and is in fact being an arsehole.

We’re all coming at this with our own experiences. It doesn’t make anyone wrong.

Actually it is wrong to say that you can't judge someone who's make a statement like that to their partner without knowing the "whole story".

You can - it's a derogatory, dismissive, .. as the poster above says hostile and disrespectful, statement towards someone.

There isnt any context that makes it not.

(Perhaps in court about a specialist subject).

There are a hundred alternative ways of saying you don't agree with someone's opinion in normal, non legal circumstances.

"Unusual views" is also chiming loudly about this guy.

LaceyBetty · 12/03/2021 09:26

What are some men so horrible to their partners? I wish I knew what they get out of it. Sorry OP, don't put up with this.

Justreadingtheforum3 · 12/03/2021 09:37

Yep a dick. Honestly I've had loads of friends fall into this conspiracy shit and then talk to me like I'm an idiot. If I get called a brain dead sheeple one more fucking time AngryGrin

Original poster
justab · 12/03/2021 12:12

I've got pnd and I honestly don't think I I can cope with my baby alone. He's only just started helping me with him because I was on the point of having a breakdown so he has done a few mornings etc but I just feel like I won't be able to do it alone with how I am now

OP posts:
Original poster
justab · 12/03/2021 12:13

I feel nervous and I don't trust myself and my decisions

OP posts:
WorkItGirl · 12/03/2021 12:17

You should tell him he’s not qualified to be in your family.

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 12/03/2021 12:42

He is an abusive arsehole. However, if you feel you need to stay until you can cope alone, just tell him every time that he is being disrespectful and its unacceptable. It may not seem like much but can be said calmly and lets him know that he hasn't got away with it. Good luck OP, I hope you find a better life soon.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 12/03/2021 13:23

If you went to stay with your mum/sister/best friend would they be more help with the baby + less rude to you + not spouting conspiracy theory crap at you all day?

TurquoiseDragon · 12/03/2021 14:04

OP, I reckon you'll find you're a lot more able to cope without him around, if you can leave and stay with someone.

grapewine · 12/03/2021 14:08

I've always been an outspoken person who enjoys talking to people but I feel like maybe I'm too opinionated and should just keep the peace and not say anything?

No, you fucking shouldn't. He has already got to you. Don't let the bastard grind you down. Get out if necessary.

Wanderlusto · 12/03/2021 14:12

Your depression would lift a lot quicker without this waste of oxygen in your space.

All else aside op,you cannot change yourself to fix someone else. He is inherently messed up. He has issues. The main being, that he is a fucking awful human being who hates you. You cant fix that.

Get him gone.

RantyAnty · 12/03/2021 14:28

See th GP if you need to.

How much has he done with the baby since he was born?

I'd be telling him in an angry voice to never talk to you that way again and then walk out of the room.

Don't explain or engage in an argument. Just cut him off and leave the room every time he does it.

Wanderlusto · 12/03/2021 14:37

Hmm...no I wouldn't use an 'angry voice'. He wants to anger you so he can make you out to be the bad guy. But calmly leave the room when he starts that shit.

Look into your options op, speak with citizens advice about what you'll be entitled to when he leaves. And confide in any friends or family who would be supportive.

BunnyRuddington · 12/03/2021 16:05

I've got pnd and I honestly don't think I I can cope with my baby alone. He's only just started helping me with him because I was on the point of having a breakdown so he has done a few mornings etc but I just feel like I won't be able to do it alone with how I am now

What help are you getting with your PND? I know this might sound harsh but a partner who only helps when you are on the verge of a breakdown isn't really any help.

I feel nervous and I don't trust myself and my decisions

That'll be because you your "D"P should be supporting you and telling you what a great job you are doing. Instead he's criticising your parenting and gaslighting you.

Treacletoots · 12/03/2021 16:36

@EarthSight yes massive sci fi geek (as am I) but it was just the fact he thought this was a normal way to react. Hmm

He was also a fan of anything but being an actual functional adult. He let his mum pay for his car, ordered from the children's menu in a fancy restaurant, wouldn't eat cold food, wouldn't cook because 'i enjoyed cooking, so I should do it every day', kept his inheritance because it would benefit us both that way (how?) Yet left me paying for the wedding debt oh and thought upon splitting he was entitled to half of my car, despite the fact it was financed up to the bollocks.

So many red flags. So glad I've got rid of that dick head

TwilightSkies · 12/03/2021 16:44

You feel like you can’t cope on your own because he’s making you feel like shit about yourself. You are so much stronger than you realise. Do you have any supportive people in your life?

Treacletoots · 12/03/2021 16:49

OP. You'd be able to cope a LOT better without this loser making you feel like shit.

Babies are hard bloody work. A baby and an abusive partner, 100 times harder.

dieblauenStrumpfhosen · 12/03/2021 16:53

My ex was like this. He used to watch all these programmes about conspiracy theories and then extoll them to me as if they were all facts.

He also used to explain things to me that I actually knew a lot more about. And he'd get snitty if I said I actually knew a lot about whatever it was.

And that was when he was being nice. He spent a lot of the relationship trying to make me feel awful about myself.

It's been the biggest relief ever getting rid of him.

category12 · 12/03/2021 17:39

You would probably find your PND would lift at least partially if you didn't live with an asshole belittling you and making you feel like you can't cope and can't do anything right.

What family do you have? Are they supportive and loving? If so, you might find it really helpful to go stay with them with the baby for a bit for support and a break from your partner, if circumstances allow.

tenlittlecygnets · 12/03/2021 18:20

What are his qualifications to have an opinion on the same thing??

He's negging you, and that's a horrible way to live. I hope you have some RL support.

YoniAndGuy · 12/03/2021 18:33

'Bye. Guess I'm just too sensitive to be a good partner to you, dearie, so I'm off! Have a great life washing your own fucking pants and slagging off the cutlery because there's no other human here to take your shitty put-downs any more! BYEEEEE'

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