For those with "difficult" mothers, why do you think they are that way?

[merrynelly]

Inspired by a thread relating to Mothers Day cards, and also that I've been reflecting on my relationship with my Mother a hell of a lot since having my own child recently, I have been wondering why my Mother is the way she is.

She is a very cold woman, who exhibits traits of narcissism and emotionally abused me heavily throughout my childhood. I'm confident she is not even remotely aware of how unkind and damaging her behaviour is, and in fact thinks she's a wonderful mother.

The only reasoning which makes sense to me is that her parents were very similar and treated her poorly to say the least and so it is generational trauma I believe. I just wondered if this was the same for others or if there are other factors at play?

My mother is utterly incapable of seeing anyone else's point of view. There is only one way of doing things, and to be entirely fair to her that is not always perhaps the way she would prefer it to be. It's all about pretence and acceptable standards of behaviour.

However, she dismisses anything I say if it contradicts with the view in her head of the way life should be. So, for example, if I say I was fairly miserable as a child (I was) she will dismiss this with Don't be ridiculous. We were such a happy family. I have a chronic health condition which means she is irritated when she dutifully asks how I am if I dare to say, I've not felt good this week or Pretty tired. This gets a dismissive, Chin up. You just need to be positive! Nobody likes a misery guts!.

I find her very difficult.

Sorry - I've realised I haven't really answered your question.

I think it is probably generational. She's in her 80s and was brought up on 'stiff upper lip' and 'what will the neighbours think?'.

She has simply carried that on.

For my mother, it was definitely generational trauma. Given some of the events of her childhood, she did her best I think. I still feel angry about my own childhood, and I can't imagine saying and behaving in some of the ways she did towards my own children, it would be unthinkable. But at the same time I recognise how much easier it is for me to be a good mother, because my life is much easier than hers was. It's hard.

My mother sounds very similar to yours, @NovemberR - I wondered if you were my sister. But there is an air of entitlement to mine that makes her unattractive to me. I would describe her behaviour as like throwing a grenade into the room and hastily retreating, shouting ‘it’s so terrible, I can’t cope’. Her view of any situation is always focussed on how she felt about it, not on what really happened. I actually find her a danger to myself and to DC. I am completely NC, as is the rest of the family. Although, she is still the victim, not the perpetrator. I think she has such a rigid view of how we ‘must’ behave, that any behaviour that deviates from this threatens her ethical framework. And she can’t cope with that.

My mother was incredibly manipulative and had a healthy dollop of the compulsive liar about her - almost to generate an alternative reality for herself and to convince people of the better version of herself she wanted them to see.

She was raised by alcoholics and had severe asthma caused by their heavy smoking. They raised her in a lunatic fringe Christian sect which banned alcohol, cigarettes and medical treatment which I think explains pretty much everything.

Yes I find my mum very difficult. It's her way or the high way. She gets an image in her head of how things must be, and sees her arse BIG TIME when things don't go that way. Christmas must go a certain way, birthday's, mothers day being the next one - she orchestrates the lot to suit her exactly. Even if it massively affects or puts out others (such as forcing my Dad to sit for a big meal, when he is terminally ill and can't fucking eat.. obviously he didn't sit through it, I told him to go back to bed and gave my mum an earful!)

She is a drama queen and kicks up a big stink about stuff, is hugely judgmental and nasty about people (oh she had a c section, too posh to push ha! then wonders why I struggled horribly after a crash section!!)

I still haven't quite forgiven her for the way she tired to force mine and DH's wedding into the mould she had in her head, which really ruined the excitement and planning, as it was constant loggerheads - to the point I told her to stick her financial contribution, as it doesn't give her a right to dictate the day.

When we had DC1 my DH ended up having to have words with her, because she was being a judgmental cow about things we wanted to do.

With the way we parent DC, she HATES if we do anything differently to how she did it.

The thing is, I would hazard a guess that she thinks she's the most wonderful, kind hearted person, a wonderful Mum etc. She wasn't bad by many people's experience - but I have a very different memory of my childhood and experience of her behaviour, than she has.

What truly baffles me is absolutely everyone thinks she is the most lovely, gentle, kind hearted person blah blah. She walked out of a family members wedding because she took offence at something the guests were doing FGS - the bride and groom were baffled. Yet she's still "lovely aunty sue!"

Anyway.... I'm glad I got that off my chest..!

In an attempt to answer your question - why is she like that... she has alluded in the past to her DF being very abusive - throwing plates at her DM. He also beat my GM up in front of my mum etc. She rarely talks about it, this is stuff that slipped out when her DF died, and I was shocked when she said "good riddance horrible man!" (which was not my experience of my granddad)

I think there is a lot more to that, and I also wonder if there is an experience of SA too in her past. She won't open up though, she point blank refuses any therapy - so I take her as she is and tend to keep her arms length.

OP - For most people I suspect you are right and it is generational trauma or patterns of attachment they learned from their own parents.

My mum is difficult. She only sees things from her perspective, and has no empathy for others. She is not maternal at all. She will happily blank me for days/weeks for some perceived misdemeanour and once told me that she ignores me on purpose so that I’ll worry about her. If I have any difficulties she downplays them and immediately tells me of something far far worse that she’s experiencing.
Her mother is exactly the same 🤷🏻‍♀️. The challenge for me is trying to break the cycle.

@belowdeckyoubet If you're my sister it's the first time you've spoken to me for a year...

It's one of the things I am having issues with my DM about currently. My sister is very like my mother - but with the sense of dramatic entitlement that your mother has. DSis has deliberately cut me out of her life for unknown reasons and I have not objected at all. Her choice, and I'm not intending to repeatedly try to contact her to beg her to speak to me. The relief is immense.

DM on the other hand keeps bringing it up and demanding that I do something about this. It's dreadful that I have two daughters who are not speaking to each other. It's six of one, half a dozen of the other. Your sister wants you to phone her, and you're just being stubborn about this!

I would fairly happily have little to do with DM either, if I'm honest.

@NovemberR ooh, I could be - but it would be more than a year . By the way, your DMs reaction is exactly what mine would say..

My Mum is very self absorbed. She has never been overly maternal to me, but my sister is the golden child and I'm the scapegoat. I keep my sanity over it all by maintaining a healthy distance from her, and I'm NC with my sister.

A few days ago, she posted some FB shit about loving her daughter which my sister liked and commented on straight away. I wanted to comment too but don't lower myself.

I hope I'm a better mother to my DC. I try very very hard to be.

The way she was brought up.
Refusal to move on with the times.
Refusal to accept she's ever wrong.
Reputation,what will the neighbours say etc always more important than everything.
Bitterness about her lot in life.
Refusal to see me as a person and not what she wants me to be/an extension of her/bragging rights.

She has a very rigid set of rules of what a girl/woman should be,how she should behave,look ,say etc and anything derailing from that is simply wrong. Wrong is bad. Bad makes her angry/upset/frustrated/hurt. Then she lashes out. And repeat.

I think it's because she was the eldest of 15 so she had done her parenting as a child.
By the time she had us, she really couldn't be bothered.

I think my mum had kids to keep her husband. He left any way and she was lumbered with us. She was jealous everyone else had a 'happy' family and we were never good enough as the next door neighbours kids were always better than us at EVERYTHING. She even lied about my exam results to make them better (and they were not bad results at all) she had a gambling problem and lied about it. She was a compulsive liar and I finally cut her out when she told everyone at my childs school I neglected my child. Amazingly 6 years later with no contact (though she tried a few times to contact me and I cut that off) my child is thriving as am I. I WANT my child to do better than me and I cannot understand her jealousy towards me being happy. She was so controlling and manipulative and I was miserable and I feel free without her. I don't speak to any of my family though. I learned to be selfish and put the family I have created first without the toxic energy other people brought to it! I do this a lot because we get one shot at life and I refuse to be dragged down by other people's negativity. Though it has deffo had a lasting impact on my mental health it has taught me the type of parent I do not want to be.

Mine is the same and just gets worse as I get older. It makes life so difficult. I know she has experienced trauma in her life, maybe that's why. What I find hardest is her expectation of me. She hates that we're not close and doesn't see it's because of her. She's so needy and insecure but doesn't recognise it so lashes out. I've been the 'bigger person' my whole life and try not to get drawn in but it's relentless. I want to break the cycle but no idea how. It terrifies me.

Generational trauma has left my poor mum unable to show or feel love. Her own mother was thrown aside as dead at birth, and ended up being brought up by spinster aunts seeing her two. Brother brought up by her parents. So she passed on a cold rejection to my DM. My DM has been a real disappointment in many ways, never loved me for who I am or just being, but for how far I represent her in a good light or how clever Or successful or pretty I am. She's learned a huge amount about herself courtesy of my refusal to accept her - or perhaps more importantly me - on her terms. I really respect her late openness to changing, growing even in her 80s.

@TheOneWithTheBigNose yes that’s the trick and priority for me also - breaking the cycle!

Undoubtedly generational. In my case, my DM has a problematic relationship with my DGM, who she feels was critical of her looks and always wanted a "girly" daughter when my DM was quite the opposite. She placed her father on a pedestal when actually, he was quite a violent man who would badly beat her sibling with a belt.

So when it came to me, she continued the trend of criticism of looks/dress sense/weight, and scorn of my achievements, mixed with a healthy dose of physical violence (when I was a child at least).

My DM is not as bad as any mentioned on here, but I've always found her emotionally demanding and controlling. I'm pretty sure it comes from being badly mothered herself - I disliked my maternal GM and found her cold, critical, and prone to outrageously favour men and boys. (maybe badly parented all round, my maternal GF died before I was born and I don't recall DM ever, ever mentioning him, which says something in itself.)

We aren't close as adults but we do get along. She tries hard and as an adult I feel a lot of compassion for her. I hope I have learned from her mistakes and am not replicating them.

Ironically, my grandmother was a great,loving grandmother despite being a shit mum.

My mum is also a much better grandmother than she ever was as mum.

My mum was the way she was because she was badly neglected growing up, because her sister got all the attention.

The reason my grandmother neglected her and gave all her time and love to my aunt is because my aunt was born disabled due to a failed abortion and my great-grandmother said the baby was her punishment from God and her penance was to care for it without help.

My great-grandmother believed in punishments from God because my great-great-grandfather was a religious zealot.

Multi-generational trauma.

She was absolutely jealous of me. I took her husbands time, love and devotion away from her. She had another child so she could "love" her and so I wouldn't be spoilt.
Her smacks to my bottom were so automatic, that she was still doing it at 16, when I laughed and asked her what she thought she was doing!

Mine is also nothing like some of these but she is hard work. She’s had a number of traumatic events in her life so it’s understandable if not an excuse - she just can’t seem to live without drama and tries to control other people to make up for her lack of control over the past - that’s my armchair psychiatrist’s view anyway.

She married my dad to escape an unhappy childhood but he wasn’t the right man for her so she left him for an abuser which damaged us as children and led to me marrying the wrong man to escape. I’m also divorced now but single and determined to break the cycle for my DD. I never want her to feel about me like I do about my mother.

Yep, think many of her behaviours are learned behaviours. I try to feel some sympathy for her because of that, but struggle to do so.

My DM was a child, a narcissist, selfish and cold. She was very much loved by her family but nothing was ever enough for her.

She had me because of DF. She spend her life chasing men, not working, putting me down and thinking she was hard done by. She never, ever appreciated anything and constantly wanted to be babied and the centre of attention.

I'm nothing like her as a person or a mother.