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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this abuse

55 replies

User124589 · 11/03/2021 20:11

NC for this and have been a bit vague about a few details.

My long term DP has always had a really awful temper and moods. But never directed at me.

Since first lockdown he has changed.

Some of the things I have experienced are

  • being locked in the house briwfley
  • lots of shouting over minor things by him. If I say don't talk to me like that I get a small punch on the arm/ kick in the shin.
  • when his mother was unkind to me aying in to me about how awful I was to upset her. Bearing in mind j have never upset her intentionally ever.
  • the worst incident was when we were dozing in bed one morning and our young son was playing in his room. He became frustrated with one of his toys woke DP. DP turned to me and said ' I am going to smack him' I said ' over my dead body at which point DP sat up with his fist to my face and said I will get you instead.
  • extreme rages throwing breaking things in the house.

What has brought this to a head for me tonight is that he asked me why we don't have a small milk pan. I said you threw it against the wall I a rage and broke it. He just said oh yes your fault you angered me. I remember the incident and i never said a thing!

I am generally a very placid person and i decided last year to try and not say anything 'wrong' at home to see if that improved things.

Sometimes i do obviously have to put my view across in a calm way at which point he rages that he cant stand me speaking and puts his fists out.

He says it is all my fault as when our child was first born i had terrible PND and was a bit of a cow. This was a few years ago.

He says this is what has ruined our relationship.

In between these times he can be fairly nice. Although doesnt do anything at home.

There is substance abuse.

I feel like I am exaggerating things sometimes

If you have got this far well done!

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 11/03/2021 20:13

He’s abusive and before long it will be physical abuse of your child.

Morgan12 · 11/03/2021 20:15

You know it is.

Leave.

TwilightSkies · 11/03/2021 20:16

Yes! Yes he is abusive and you aren’t safe with him. He has ground you down so much that you are questioning yourself when in reality it’s ALL HIM.
You need to get away.

User124589 · 11/03/2021 20:17

He has never hurt the child and I truly believe he never would.

Most of these incidents have occurred when he has run out of cannibis and he just cant control his mood.

It's the shouting that's the thing not so much the small physical stuff.

OP posts:
Chica1990 · 11/03/2021 20:18

What would you say to your sister or friend in this position?

Get out, it will get worse.

Cleaningjusttocleanagain · 11/03/2021 20:19

He sounds vile like an absolute monster and you sound lovely OP.

Leave and never return. You know you need to.

Protect yourself and your child

TwilightSkies · 11/03/2021 20:19

He has never hurt the child and I truly believe he never would.

But he would hurt you. And you matter too.

You are scared of this man.

MazekeenSmith · 11/03/2021 20:20

It's 100000% abuse and you need to leave

Laeta · 11/03/2021 20:22

Of course he would hurt the child!! Don't you read newspapers!

You need to leave, my darling, ASAP!

Queenie6655 · 11/03/2021 20:22

He will hurt your chikd

He most likely will kill you if you stay

Sorry to sound so harsh xxx

User124589 · 11/03/2021 20:22

In all the years I have known him I have never been scared of him. But I do feel scared sometimes now.

He is a great dad just horrible to me.

I feel a bit ground down I work quite long hours and do nearly everything at home.

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 11/03/2021 20:24

Does he add anything at all to your life?
Do you want to leave him?

User124589 · 11/03/2021 20:24

Sorry I phrased that wrong in the OP he said he felt like smacking. Bit we don't do that in this house. It's an absolute no.

He has never shown any aggression to our child.

OP posts:
Hailtomyteeth · 11/03/2021 20:25

He is not a great dad. Get out. Get your child out.

ScatteredMama82 · 11/03/2021 20:25

Yes, this is abuse, without a doubt. I've seen it said on here so many times but it's true. Do you want your child to grow up thinking this is normal? I can assure you it absolutely is not normal.

This part of your post really struck me: *am generally a very placid person and i decided last year to try and not say anything 'wrong' at home to see if that improved things.

Sometimes i do obviously have to put my view across in a calm way at which point he rages that he cant stand me speaking and puts his fists out.*

You cannot live like this, you should not be afraid to have your say in your own home, or anywhere else for that matter. Please seek help, can you call Women's Aid?

MazekeenSmith · 11/03/2021 20:28

Great dads don't abuse the mothers of their children
Stop kidding yourself

User124589 · 11/03/2021 20:29

I think he would go if asked I don't have any worries on that score. I own my house and have plenty of money.

Thank you all. I feel sometimes I dont get time to think.

You are all right I know, i just didn't want to believe it was true.

We have had so many good times.

Changed so much due to cannibis

OP posts:
mommybear1 · 11/03/2021 20:32

LTB - get rid now.

biggreengrinch · 11/03/2021 20:33

You asked because you wanted back up to what you already know.

Yes.

Do you need advice or help on how to leave?

User124589 · 11/03/2021 20:36

Yes you are right I know. I just needed some validation. Sometimes it is so hard to see clearly.

No problems with leaving I own the house.

I have been very astute protecting myself in a financial respect

OP posts:
micc · 11/03/2021 20:37

Ah OP.
I'm sorry your going through this. Please reach out to people around you and womans aid so they know the situation. You seem very calm and strong.. and able to put up with a lot more than me!
It will be a big change but definitely for the better. He seems like a lot of negative energy in your life, it must be very draining for you. I hope you do decide to leave him, good luck with everything, I hope you're ok x

Craftycorvid · 11/03/2021 20:37

It saddens me that you have to ask if this is abuse. Yes. No one will respond and say otherwise. That his behaviour ‘only’ worsens when he can’t get drugs is absolutely not any kind of mitigation and no, he is no father if he believes it’s acceptable to threaten the mother of his children. PND is an illness, not something for which you need to be punished. Please seek support for you and your children from your local domestic abuse service. This man is dangerous, please don’t risk this escalating any further.

Easterbunnygettingready · 11/03/2021 20:37

Report what you can to the police. You need ammo to keep him away from your dc.
He is an abusive druggie..

User124589 · 11/03/2021 20:40

If I ask him to go am do not expect any problem with that.

Our child started nursery 2 years ago and he was supposed to go back to work SAHP before that. I cant denythat he did a great job doing SAHP bit he has basically refused to look for work since then.

This also has got me down

OP posts:
RizzleRazzle · 11/03/2021 20:41

Yes it is definitely abuse.

Is he under the influence of cannabis when looking after your DC? Does he smoke it around them?

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