Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abuse

55 replies

User124589 · 11/03/2021 20:11

NC for this and have been a bit vague about a few details.

My long term DP has always had a really awful temper and moods. But never directed at me.

Since first lockdown he has changed.

Some of the things I have experienced are

  • being locked in the house briwfley
  • lots of shouting over minor things by him. If I say don't talk to me like that I get a small punch on the arm/ kick in the shin.
  • when his mother was unkind to me aying in to me about how awful I was to upset her. Bearing in mind j have never upset her intentionally ever.
  • the worst incident was when we were dozing in bed one morning and our young son was playing in his room. He became frustrated with one of his toys woke DP. DP turned to me and said ' I am going to smack him' I said ' over my dead body at which point DP sat up with his fist to my face and said I will get you instead.
  • extreme rages throwing breaking things in the house.

What has brought this to a head for me tonight is that he asked me why we don't have a small milk pan. I said you threw it against the wall I a rage and broke it. He just said oh yes your fault you angered me. I remember the incident and i never said a thing!

I am generally a very placid person and i decided last year to try and not say anything 'wrong' at home to see if that improved things.

Sometimes i do obviously have to put my view across in a calm way at which point he rages that he cant stand me speaking and puts his fists out.

He says it is all my fault as when our child was first born i had terrible PND and was a bit of a cow. This was a few years ago.

He says this is what has ruined our relationship.

In between these times he can be fairly nice. Although doesnt do anything at home.

There is substance abuse.

I feel like I am exaggerating things sometimes

If you have got this far well done!

OP posts:
Cleverpolly3 · 11/03/2021 20:47

@User124589

In all the years I have known him I have never been scared of him. But I do feel scared sometimes now.

He is a great dad just horrible to me.

I feel a bit ground down I work quite long hours and do nearly everything at home.

No He is not a great father if he does this to the mother of his children

Abuse of the mother is abuse of the child(ren)

Get out now

kazzer2867 · 11/03/2021 20:55

He is a great dad just horrible to me.

The worst incident was when we were dozing in bed one morning and our young son was playing in his room. He became frustrated with one of his toys woke DP. DP turned to me and said ' I am going to (or feel like - no difference) smack him' I said ' over my dead body' at which point DP sat up with his fist to my face and said I will get you instead.

These are your word. Is this really a great dad or partner?

KatySun · 11/03/2021 20:55

Bless you, you sound very kind and compassionate but do you seriously think a man who rages at you and threatens you with his fists is going to to quietly if you ask him to leave? He is abusing you, yes, and I agree you need him gone, but I also think you need to be careful in making sure you have back-up and are not alone with him when or after you are asking him to go, and that your child is safely out the way as well.

imalmostthere · 11/03/2021 21:00

He's already threatened to smack your child - he will one day. You don't know he won't, you hope he won't. You know this is abuse. You need to get him out to protect your child.

Nanny0gg · 11/03/2021 21:04

@User124589

I think he would go if asked I don't have any worries on that score. I own my house and have plenty of money.

Thank you all. I feel sometimes I dont get time to think.

You are all right I know, i just didn't want to believe it was true.

We have had so many good times.

Changed so much due to cannibis

So he's an abusive druggie.

Do you really want that in your child's life?

Original poster
User124589 · 11/03/2021 21:05

Thank you all for your support

OP posts:
Original poster
User124589 · 11/03/2021 21:07

I have lots of supportive people around me.

I just wanted to have that validation.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 11/03/2021 21:29

You say he's never shown aggression towards your child but he did, he threatened yo go and hit him because his toy woke him up. You can surely see that will escalate and what would have happened if you weren't there to stop him?

Aknifewith16blades · 11/03/2021 21:45

Read the first one of your list, and that was enough.

Call Women's Aid and get out.

HollowTalk · 11/03/2021 21:57

Thank god you're not married and have financial independence.

I'm struggling to see why you can't see this is abusive. I'm also struggling to understand why you think he's a good dad. Did you have a good example of good fatherhood when you were young? Did it involve those men threatening to hurt the mother?

I think you need to tell him to get out and go to live with his horrible mother. Don't even consider agreeing to 50:50. He's a drug addicted abusive man - he shouldn't have 50:50 care.

Whydidimarryhim · 11/03/2021 22:04

Who is buying his dope?
He’s abusive.

MonochromeMinnie · 11/03/2021 22:15

My long term DP has always had a really awful temper and moods well that should have sent you running for the hills years ago. Raise your bar and know that you deserve better. He's escalating. Get him out of your house and away from your child.

LIZS · 11/03/2021 22:22

He's such a great dad - who is dependant on substance abuse,is violent when anyone disagrees with him and gaslights you. Hmm yes it is abuse, how long before you get physically hurt and your child witnesses his behaviour. Do you want them to think this is normal and acceptable?

RestingPandaFace · 11/03/2021 22:31

He is an unemployed addict who does nothing at home. He smashes up the house goes into rages and is verbally and physically abusive to you, he also threatens your child.

If he will leave then make him leave before he escalates any further. If he won’t leave the very next time there is an incident you need to call the police and get them to remove him. Get a domestic violence prevention order to stop him coming back, and if you own or rent the house then change the locks.

He isn’t a good dad, a good dad wouldn’t expose their child to domestic abuse and violence, a good dad wouldn’t expose their child to shouting and screaming and a good dad wouldn’t model substance abuse.

You, and your child both deserve better.

Bananalanacake · 11/03/2021 22:32

I was going to ask does he work, sounds like he doesn't. Is his name on the house.

MarshmallowAra · 12/03/2021 08:20

Extremely abusive.

And a stoner to boot.

The reasons I couldn't see him as a good father are;

He's abusive towards you and you are your child's other parent, a mother is a very important role; that means you can't be the fully relaxed, happy, confident, undistracted, settled mother you should be ... Which inevitably, no matter how much you try to hide it or compensate, affects your child.

Secondly, anyone who is a good parent doesn't do dope or any other drugs ... Because you can't be fully on the ball responsible when you're under the influence, and it affects (as you've mentioned) it affects your moods .. which affect your parenting, how could it not.

(I'd actually include alcohol in that - anything above light drinking, if parents want to do more than that, they need to do one on/one off with the other parent so one is completely with it and capable and responsible. If that "on" parent is nearly always or always the same person, there is clearly a problem, with both substance abuse and responsibility and selfishness.

It seems like - though dope rather than alcohol in this case - you are pretty much always the "on" parent because he uses dope, that is also fucked up).

He's not a good parent.

He's an abusive partner.

I'm sorry but I doubt it's going to get any better and you really really don't want to bring more kids into this.

MarshmallowAra · 12/03/2021 08:21

Sounds like he also lives off you.

Is he supposed to be the main carer for the child? That's not safe or appropriate if he uses dope to.sych an extent that he has come downs and rages while he's trying to get more dope.

MarshmallowAra · 12/03/2021 08:27

*We have had so many good times.

Changed so much due to cannibis*

Is didn't though, did it? That's one issue but you've said he's always had an awful temper ... You must have been affected by that, stressed, embarrassed if he was liked that in public or in front of family or friend, maybe walking on egg shells at times - even if he wasn't directly aggressive towards you.

(But he's escalated to being directly aggressive & physically abusive anyway ... Noone should be taking "small" punches on the arm etc. in any context. He's a disgusting bully. Thinking about that makes me feel so stressed and angry on your behalf).

Outbutnotoutout · 12/03/2021 08:30

@User124589

NC for this and have been a bit vague about a few details.

My long term DP has always had a really awful temper and moods. But never directed at me.

Since first lockdown he has changed.

Some of the things I have experienced are

  • being locked in the house briwfley
  • lots of shouting over minor things by him. If I say don't talk to me like that I get a small punch on the arm/ kick in the shin.
  • when his mother was unkind to me aying in to me about how awful I was to upset her. Bearing in mind j have never upset her intentionally ever.
  • the worst incident was when we were dozing in bed one morning and our young son was playing in his room. He became frustrated with one of his toys woke DP. DP turned to me and said ' I am going to smack him' I said ' over my dead body at which point DP sat up with his fist to my face and said I will get you instead.
  • extreme rages throwing breaking things in the house.

What has brought this to a head for me tonight is that he asked me why we don't have a small milk pan. I said you threw it against the wall I a rage and broke it. He just said oh yes your fault you angered me. I remember the incident and i never said a thing!

I am generally a very placid person and i decided last year to try and not say anything 'wrong' at home to see if that improved things.

Sometimes i do obviously have to put my view across in a calm way at which point he rages that he cant stand me speaking and puts his fists out.

He says it is all my fault as when our child was first born i had terrible PND and was a bit of a cow. This was a few years ago.

He says this is what has ruined our relationship.

In between these times he can be fairly nice. Although doesnt do anything at home.

There is substance abuse.

I feel like I am exaggerating things sometimes

If you have got this far well done!

This is abuse, leave him.
Shoxfordian · 12/03/2021 08:34

I’m glad you own the house and can ask him to leave, you definitely should. He’s abusive and your son will see him act like this towards you thinking it’s normal.

MarshmallowAra · 12/03/2021 08:40

Our child started nursery 2 years ago and he was supposed to go back to work SAHP before that. I cant denythat he did a great job doing SAHP bit he has basically refused to look for work since then.

Was he not smoking (or however he takes it) dope then?

It's quite hard to imagine this man with an extreme temper being a great sahp with a baby/small child, even taking out the door use.
Presumably you weren't there to see everything because you were out working.

So your child is at nursery and you pay for that on top of everything else while he currently just gets some unemployment benefits?

If you get rid of him you need to make sure he has no main carer/sahp role - where he might get a lot of time and even get child maintenance off you.

You need to be the main carer, and his drug use needs to be logged through women's aid/social services to ensure he gets possibly supervised access only, if you can get that

He's not safe around your child on his own due to drug use and temper/abuse.

He was going to hit him because his toy/playing woke him up - where going to happen when you're not there to intervene??

MarshmallowAra · 12/03/2021 08:41

(what's going to happen)

NaToth · 12/03/2021 08:41

Most of these incidents have occurred when he has run out of cannibis and he just cant control his mood.

That says it all. Time to move on.

Flippyferloppy · 12/03/2021 08:44

He is not a "great dad", he is teaching your child that this kind of behaviour is OK

MarshmallowAra · 12/03/2021 08:46

Thank fk you're not married .. or you'd be giving this arm punching stoner who threatens to hit his child for making noise .. playing part of your assets/money for the privilege of divorcing him.

(Abuse usually doesn't affect divorce settlements afaik).

Swipe left for the next trending thread