Relationship questioning - starting a family

[Lou2021]

Hi all,

In need of some advice: me and my partner recently have decided to take the plunge to start trying for a baby, we are only month 1. But since this has happened I find myself analysing his personality and asking myself is that the example I want to give to my children and is that the behaviour/attitude I want them to display?

There are a few little bits about his attitude or man outbursts I don’t agree with but most of our relationship have just learnt to ignore or put up him, but now things are getting more serious I’m wondering whether I should be ignoring them?

Has anyone else experienced this constant questioning when things get more serious?

I’m sure others have things they dislike about their partner; no ones perfect right!

Any advice thoughts welcome

Can you say more about the attitudes and 'man outbursts' OP?

Don't do it. I don't even need to know the details.

Find a kinder, nicer dad for your DC.

What kinds of things have you been ignoring?

What do you mean by outbursts? What kind of attitude?

Nobody is perfect, but some things should not be tolerated. Especially if you are considering bringing an innocent and defenceless child into the situation.

Don't do it. These doubts will get worse, his behaviour will get worse. If he offers to change, then realise he could have chosen to change already. If he does reign it in, realise that he will slip back later especially when it's effectively too late.

Put ttc on hold!

Is he caring and unselfish ? Will he really look after you when you’re pregnant abd exhausted/throwing up, or postnatal and in pain?

Will he work just as hard as you with the endless housework that children bring?

Will he wake in the night even though he’s exhausted, to look after babies?

Will he stay calm when utterly drained and hasn’t slept properly in months and months?

I have a bad feeling about what little you've said....can you elaborate more? There aren't really 'man outbursts' just certain type of men who are aggressive and superior to their partners. Is that him?

Let me tell you that the single most important decision you will make in life that will shape every aspect of your future happiness is who you have children with.

I had serious concerns about my ex and terminated an unplanned pregnancy when the reality of being shackled to him for life hit me. I never ever once questioned the thought of having kids with my DH.

If you aren't warm and fuzzy at the thought of kids being just like their daddy, he's not the right daddy for your kids.

If you have a child, you are stuck dealing with him for the next 18 years, even if you split up.

And you’ll have to leave your child in his care.

Are you happy with this?

Put the ttc with this man on ice.

I also get bad feelings from the little that you wrote about him along with your reaction (but most of our relationship have just learnt to ignore or put up him). When someone tells you who they are it pays to believe them.

Do not ignore red flags here re him nor bury your head in the sand. Your inner voice is trying to tell you something here.

I’m sure others have things they dislike about their partner yes he used to leave his damp towel on the bed, or he is messy when cooking, never "man outbursts" what is that? Rage? Aggressive? Petty?

If you are questioning it now then it is a good thing. Having examples of behaviour would help.

The only thing I would say is, make sure you don't get pregnant while you're deciding - it can happen quick!

Has he even suggested marriage first before talk of babies?

You can tell exactly what kind of man you are dealing with if he is ok with getting you oregnantveithout even suggesting marriage. Scum.

*pregnant without

(Ps: even if you don't want marriage first, it should have been discussed).

Hi all,

I think I may have not used the right words and not explained clearly. In sense of how he is torwards me and as a partner there is no issue their, he does everything for me and around the house( very domesticated) and finically so wouldn’t doubt he wouldn’t be doing all the chores and looking after me once the baby came along if it did.

In terms of outbursts and attitude I am more referring to how he is as a person; it’s mainly to do with the way he expresses his feelings, he will use immature threats to express his feelings if he upset or bothered by something ( not torwards me though). There just silly little things for example ( swearing at stangers to himself or being bitter towards his company if they do something he doesn’t like). There just words he would never act on them; but I still don’t like the way he does about some things; that is what I mean by I’m not sure if that is the example I want to give my children.

He does disagree without it too and recognises she regrets saying stupid aggressive remarks but still he does it again without thinking.

Now what you think?

There just words he would never act on them;

Not following through on 'immature threats' doesn't make the threat better somehow. Can you give examples of the kind of threats?

He does disagree without it too and recognises she regrets saying stupid aggressive remarks but still he does it again without thinking.

Aggressive remarks = aggressive person. Do you want to have a child with an aggressive person?

Doing it again and again "without thinking" = it is his default behaviour and he has to make a conscious effort not to be aggressive. Do you want to have a baby with someone whose default is aggressive / threats etc?

A baby will mean less sleep, more stress and more tension when there is a disagreement due to those things. Do you want to be with someone who often resorts to threats and aggressive remarks in stressful situations?

A baby of course brings great joy as well as those things, but I think the deciding factor when it comes to who you have children with should be how they behave in difficult times / day to day stresses not how they behave on a good day.

And you shouldn't just be worried about the example he would show your children, you should be worried about him using those behaviours on you, even if he doesn't already.

What kind of threats / aggressive remarks does he make? Some context will help people give more specific advice.

That is a very good point about a baby bringing more stresses, I did not think about that.

So threats for example:
‘ what are you looking at your , I’ll knock you out’
Or if I get the sack ‘I’ll vandalise the van to get my own back’

I know it sounds bad but he would never do any of these things I generally think it is just his way of expressing he’s annoyed; but I generally don’t think these things should be said !

I’ve had a put up and shut relationship, am terribly sad and looking for a way out, set your boundaries now! Only you know if you can put up and shut up for life cos once you start it it’s a hard habit to break

My measure of whether to have kids with someone is this;

If the child was a near clone of his father would you be pleased you had two people in your house "cut from the same cloth"? Would you be proud of that child?

I left someone when I realised the answer to this question was no. I now have a DS who is just like his father and I couldn't love him more.

If it bothers you enough that you’re posting about it, that suggests it’s frequent enough and significant enough to be problematic. It doesn’t mean that he’s a terrible person or that he’s an abuser, or that his behaviour would eventually be directed at you. It does just mean that you’re probably not compatible if this is his way of handling anger and he isn’t willing to recognise that it’s an inappropriate way.

If I’m driving and a fellow road user does something idiotic, I’ll occasionally say something rude about them inside my car like “yup, a wanker all your life” or “come on, asshole, use your brain for once” which I suspect a lot of people do. But that’s the extent of it and it would be forgotten within 30 seconds. I wouldn’t dwell on it for ages and get wound up and angry, or actually open my car window and yell it at them, or act aggressively, or make threats of violence. And my partner wouldn’t go onto an online forum and bring it up as a major aspect of my personality that he was concerned about.

@Lou2021

That is a very good point about a baby bringing more stresses, I did not think about that.

So threats for example:
‘ what are you looking at your , I’ll knock you out’
Or if I get the sack ‘I’ll vandalise the van to get my own back’

I know it sounds bad but he would never do any of these things I generally think it is just his way of expressing he’s annoyed; but I generally don’t think these things should be said !

Why are you even considering for a second whether someone who behaves this way is a suitable candidate to be the father of your children?

It's madness.

What if he says that to someone else aggressive and they decide to lamp him because they don't do 'immature threats' but do do physical aggression?

What if someone else finds out about his immature threats and decides to do something to him before he does to them?

Why do you think he won't start speaking to you like that when he's sleep deprived and stressed?

Honestly, your bar should not be so low for bringing a life into the world.

It's unfair on a baby to bring them into the world knowingly with a man like him. He's a prick!

Stop.
Be grateful you aren't pregnant.
Leave this man.
Marry before you try to conceive - read around MN if you don't know why.

Has he had trouble at work because of his personality?

Fallen out with friends / family?

Always someone else's fault and he's always the victim? People are out to get him?

Does he smoke weed?

@Lou2021

That is a very good point about a baby bringing more stresses, I did not think about that.

So threats for example:
‘ what are you looking at your , I’ll knock you out’
Or if I get the sack ‘I’ll vandalise the van to get my own back’

I know it sounds bad but he would never do any of these things I generally think it is just his way of expressing he’s annoyed; but I generally don’t think these things should be said !

Sociopath. Fucking run.

Normal people don't say shit like that.

I dated someone who started saying things like he would blackmail his employer if they ever sacked him. I liked everything about him apart from these comments but I came to the conclusion that I needed to leave - because they quite frankly aren't normal.

I walked away because I fully believe that when ppl tell you who they are, you should believe them. He might be nice to you atm, but theres something seriously wrong with him.

And if he says things like that then theres absolutely no excuse to wait around. Even if you dont think he would act on them. He is clearly not right in the head.

And he is telling you. Plainly.

Its horrifying that you are not only staying but also trying for a kid with him. Horrifying.

Some people are bad. Mean. Rotten. And they tell you who they are. Listen.

My advice is that anything that irritates or bothers you now will not improve after children and will get worse in fact. And then you will see it in your children. Nobody's perfect but any faults need to be ones you can bear or your doomed. And it's really good that you're thinking about this NOW and not when he's disappointing you as a father.

*you're