Relationship questioning - starting a family

[Lou2021]

Hi all,

In need of some advice: me and my partner recently have decided to take the plunge to start trying for a baby, we are only month 1. But since this has happened I find myself analysing his personality and asking myself is that the example I want to give to my children and is that the behaviour/attitude I want them to display?

There are a few little bits about his attitude or man outbursts I don’t agree with but most of our relationship have just learnt to ignore or put up him, but now things are getting more serious I’m wondering whether I should be ignoring them?

Has anyone else experienced this constant questioning when things get more serious?

I’m sure others have things they dislike about their partner; no ones perfect right!

Any advice thoughts welcome

@Lou2021

I do feel excited, but I also have fear and doubt, which yes I’m aware is a red flag

I would take yourself somewhere away from your OH and have a good serious think. There's no rush to be pregnant and from your comments you seem like you need to take a bit of time out first. Hope everything will work out for you!

It's good he recognises and regrets these comments but that should mean that he stops doing it. There's a good set of podcasts called Baggage Reclaim that might help you. She talks about the different stages of relationships and how to know if it's the right time to move to the next stage. I really recommend you listen to it or look at the website

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

Have you ever disagreed with him? What was his reaction? This is a crucial stage of development for relationships. If you were to have a child together there would be lots of times you had different views and it would be important you weren't afraid to challenge him.

open.spotify.com/episode/5GRZbLQ6yTfEdCqrI3d9Ny?si=2SkZIAsiSCWbhmNwt27QRw

Here's the podcast
'Conflict and the stages of relationship'

@ScabbyHorse thanks for sharing; that’s helpful I will defo have a listen

@ScabbyHorse

It's good he recognises and regrets these comments but that should mean that he stops doing it. There's a good set of podcasts called Baggage Reclaim that might help you. She talks about the different stages of relationships and how to know if it's the right time to move to the next stage. I really recommend you listen to it or look at the website

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

Have you ever disagreed with him? What was his reaction? This is a crucial stage of development for relationships. If you were to have a child together there would be lots of times you had different views and it would be important you weren't afraid to challenge him.

Yes we have disagreed and majority of the time he sees it from my point of view, but only some many times the same thing can happen

Your instincts are pinging for a reason.

Please do think again and again: nothing - NOTHING - brings stress like a baby does. You are responsible for his everything. And that for the next 18 years - if you're lucky and he's in good health. In case of bad luck it's forever.

@Wanderlusto

Has he even suggested marriage first before talk of babies?

You can tell exactly what kind of man you are dealing with if he is ok with getting you oregnantveithout even suggesting marriage. Scum.

This.

Why do so many women think they're not worth their boyfriend legally committing to them I'll never know. "Partner" means absolutely nothing. In the eyes of the law you're both single people. Why have a child with a man who's not sure enough of you to want to legally commit and wants to keep the back door open so he can make an easier escape from financial commitments if you break up and are unmarried. Women need to uo their standards.

@coffeeandjuice

My measure of whether to have kids with someone is this;

If the child was a near clone of his father would you be pleased you had two people in your house "cut from the same cloth"? Would you be proud of that child?

I left someone when I realised the answer to this question was no. I now have a DS who is just like his father and I couldn't love him more.

This should be it's own post on Mumsnet and I agree with the sentiment @coffeeandjuice

OP, if in doubt, ask yourself, do you want to reproduce your husband as he is? That could actually happen. Some people are exactly like their parents and upbringing will only do so much to mitigate that. Instead of dealing with these issue from one person, you might have two or more with exactly the same trait.

@CottonC Unless it's the woman who's the higher earner.....then she has more to lose if everythujg goes tits up!

Imagine your child imitating their DF at nursery.

People make threats to frighten others into compliance. When the threats stop being effective, they escalate.

For the love of god do not bring a child into this.

Don't rely on him financially unless you are married tbh. Too many horror stories on these pages of women who give up work with no independent wealth or savings to become sahm and then are entitled to very little of the relationships breaks down.