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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship questioning - starting a family

63 replies

Lou2021 · 11/03/2021 08:55

Hi all,

In need of some advice: me and my partner recently have decided to take the plunge to start trying for a baby, we are only month 1. But since this has happened I find myself analysing his personality and asking myself is that the example I want to give to my children and is that the behaviour/attitude I want them to display?

There are a few little bits about his attitude or man outbursts I don’t agree with but most of our relationship have just learnt to ignore or put up him, but now things are getting more serious I’m wondering whether I should be ignoring them?

Has anyone else experienced this constant questioning when things get more serious?

I’m sure others have things they dislike about their partner; no ones perfect right!

Any advice thoughts welcome

OP posts:
Original poster
Lou2021 · 11/03/2021 11:29

Thank you for your thoughts all, I seriously have a lot of thinking to do and im not quite sure why I didn’t think of it before and let it go on so long.

It’s really helpful to hear your perspective, sometimes I worry I’m over thinking or over reacting but good to hear it’s just not me that don’t think it’s right

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/03/2021 11:31

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Has he had trouble at work because of his personality?

Fallen out with friends / family?

Always someone else's fault and he's always the victim? People are out to get him?

Does he smoke weed?

Sorry to self quote but I imagine at least two of these apply to your other half OP and they are good indicators as to whether someone is a suitable long term partner or not...
Wanderlusto · 11/03/2021 11:33

Definately not overreacting op.

Honestly when you said that about what he would do if he was fired I got the chills because it reminded me of that guy...

I dont know whatever became of him and it wasnt easy to walk away because I liked him. But I recognised it was really, really abnormal to say things that were centred around planned vengeance.

It's not normal and no way in hell would I bring a kid into the world with a man who can talk about things like that the same way you or I would talk about making the dinner or switching on the tv.

willibald · 11/03/2021 11:34

STOP TTC with this man if you have any thinking to do and you have a lot.

I'm ever amazed at how little thought and planning people give to bringing a life into the world.

You're not even married to this chap and you're already conditioned to ignore some serious red flags about him.

Having a child is not just 'things getting more serious'. It's huge. It's like you've decided to do this the way people decide to buy a campervan.

Dear god, please stop TTC with this person.

Original poster
Lou2021 · 11/03/2021 11:40

I am not aware of any of these being true.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lou2021 · 11/03/2021 11:41

We spoke about it before TTC and obviously stupid enough to believe he would change; but surprise suprise

OP posts:
Original poster
Lou2021 · 11/03/2021 11:41

It’s the most difficult thing because other than I love him to pieces! If I could take that away things would be perfect; which breaks my heart

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/03/2021 11:46

@Lou2021

It’s the most difficult thing because other than I love him to pieces! If I could take that away things would be perfect; which breaks my heart
Well yes but other than my ex cheating on me and hitting me once, I adored him and we had loads of fun and great sex when things were good. But when things were bad, his default was aggression and / or sticking his head in the sand. Which is why he couldn't be the father of my kids.

I really think you need to consider if you suddenly had a baby right now, a three month old say who you're trying to get into a sleep routine and you're both finding your feet as parents - do you trust that he would be an equal parent, a teammate, not be aggressive towards you verbally or physically, not make the difficult experience more difficult for you?

It doesn't sound like it.

Please don't bring a child into a relationship with an aggressive dickhead. Assume he won't change and make your decision based on that, for the sake of your future kids.

Seriously, it's not normal to say the stuff he does. Nowhere near!

willibald · 11/03/2021 11:47

These men never change. He is showing you he has potential to become abusive.

Wanderlusto · 11/03/2021 11:48

How long have you been seeing him op?

Because I'm guessing that if you were three or four years down the line youd actually be on here telling us how the man you thought you knew turned out to be a selfish, nasty git.

I think he Iis just masking it atm. And not very well if he is letting those comments slip out. Chances are the second you get pregnant, the mask will really start to drop as he thinks he has you leashed.

Babies are not something you should be having eith someone with 'problems' like this. And how would you ever know he has changed...or if he was just hiding things better? Waiting, watching for the perfect timing ti let the monster in him out.

Its sad op and I know it's hard to walk away from something that's happy. But if you see a big assed cliff coming up ahead, you dont stay in the car and keep driving towards it, just because you like the tune that's playing on the radio. And you certainly dont stop and pile a baby into the car and then continue heading for the cliff.

Monr0e · 11/03/2021 11:49

Sorry if you've already said, but how long have you been together?
What's the housing situation?
Any plans to marry?

Just wondering how difficult it will be for you to step away.

Ginevere · 11/03/2021 11:49

Be very wary OP. That doesn’t sound like the sort of guy you want to be having a kid with. Children get no say in who their parents are, they rely on you to make the choice for them. Make the right one.

I went the other way, wasn’t sure I wanted kids until I met my DH. He’s so kind, patient and loving that he will make the most perfect father, I can’t wait to see him raising my kids.

MMmomDD · 11/03/2021 11:54

OP -
Before wondering if you want him to father your children - shouldn’t you consider if you want to marry him? And if you want to spend a significant part of your life with him?

Why would you agree to put yourself to a financially vulnerable situation by having a child with someone who won’t properly commit?

Original poster
Lou2021 · 11/03/2021 11:58

We have been together over 7 years and have been living together for a about a year.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 11/03/2021 12:02

If you look back over that time, what other red flags have there been? Cause I dunno op, those comments are so not on it makes me think there might be other signs you have missed.

Original poster
Lou2021 · 11/03/2021 12:11

We have had other relationship problems in the past as everyone does which we managed to work out and see a big change; but I generally cannot say I noticed these signs or unless I was just blind to it or he wasn’t comfortable enough and to show it then

OP posts:
Original poster
Lou2021 · 11/03/2021 12:12

@Lou2021

We have had other relationship problems in the past as everyone does which we managed to work out and see a big change; but I generally cannot say I noticed these signs or unless I was just blind to it or he wasn’t comfortable enough and to show it then
His family have noticed that sometimes his attitude about things can be off and disagree, but I just don’t understand where he gets it from
OP posts:
Original poster
Lou2021 · 11/03/2021 12:14

@Wanderlusto

How long have you been seeing him op?

Because I'm guessing that if you were three or four years down the line youd actually be on here telling us how the man you thought you knew turned out to be a selfish, nasty git.

I think he Iis just masking it atm. And not very well if he is letting those comments slip out. Chances are the second you get pregnant, the mask will really start to drop as he thinks he has you leashed.

Babies are not something you should be having eith someone with 'problems' like this. And how would you ever know he has changed...or if he was just hiding things better? Waiting, watching for the perfect timing ti let the monster in him out.

Its sad op and I know it's hard to walk away from something that's happy. But if you see a big assed cliff coming up ahead, you dont stay in the car and keep driving towards it, just because you like the tune that's playing on the radio. And you certainly dont stop and pile a baby into the car and then continue heading for the cliff.

This has crossed my mind that having a baby he would be even more relaxed and let his bad side leash more. This crossed my mind when We moved in but it didint really plan out like that, but I’m not sure if lockdown is a very good example of it as not much has gone one
OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 11/03/2021 12:16

Adding a baby to a family will not make anyone 'more relaxed'. Sleep deprivation does not tend to improve anyones mood. And if he has a temper already...

Isla2021 · 11/03/2021 12:41

How old are you op?

ChaToilLeam · 11/03/2021 12:56

If you have to ask, then the answer is simple, it’s NO. Do not TTC with this man.

Carolina24 · 11/03/2021 13:03

Don’t do it. If you’re having these concerns now, there is a reason. It won’t get better. Find someone nicer and more attuned to you to be the father to your kids.

HaNNaHC92 · 11/03/2021 13:10

If you're having doubts now, before pregnancy and a child / children have occurred you need to stop. It's not a good sign at all. When me and my OH decided to start trying for a baby I could think of nothing but excitement nor could that I could chose anyone better to have children with. That's what you need to be thinking and you're not.

Original poster
Lou2021 · 11/03/2021 13:16

I do feel excited, but I also have fear and doubt, which yes I’m aware is a red flag

OP posts:
Original poster
Lou2021 · 11/03/2021 13:17

@Isla2021- I’m 29

OP posts: