Being worse off financially than friends in middle age

[Margaretscratcher]

First off, I don’t mean this to be a whingy post. In many ways, I’m very fortunate - healthy happy child, own home, still employed post-Covid, no real health issues, etc etc But recently it’s struck me (quite hard) how I’m by far the worst off money wise than all my various friends. At the age of 50, I feel like time is running out and I’m not sure how to best deal with it.
Basically I’m divorced and a single parent, 6 yrs ago I moved to a new city and effectively started again. I’ve got a very small terrace house with a big mortgage of £200k, 18 yrs left. No savings, not helped by a dodgy builder who cleaned out my final cash reserve. No real pension to speak of. I’ve got an okay job, middle management average earnings, but my salary basically just keeps me ticking over, I have enough to live but I don’t earn enough to ever get ahead or save properly. I’m very sensible with my cash, but it’s all accounted for each month with little spare. My DD is only 9, so by the time I get her through to 18 I’ll be nearly 60 and pretty past it job wise. The future feels bleak to be honest.

In contrast, most if not all of my friends my age are financially much better off, married, secure etc, or divorced and did ‘better’ financially (saw one recently who’s just paid off his £250k mortgage after being bought out by his ex-wife), another who has worked very hard and totally deserves her success with her business but now doesn’t really need to work, others who are ‘average’ in career terms but have good public sector pensions to look forward to etc etc. Some have had inheritance which has given them a cushion. More people seem ‘sorted’, which I suppose is natural at this stage in life. I’m aware all this doesn’t make me sound great but
I’m not naturally a jealous person and I don’t begrudge others. I’m just tired and worn out with my joyless lot. I’m fed up with being pleased for people as their middle age becomes more comfortable when my own situation seems so limited and I can’t see how to improve it.
How do I best cope with being in this situation? I do feel like I’m in the situation that nobody wants to be in, and I hate that feeling, it makes me feel a bit sick actually. What can I do to handle it, except find new friends?!

I think the proper term for this is ‘relative deprivation’ I currently live in a modest 3 bed semi in an area where there are a lot of wealthy people, it can really distort your perspective. I think this is what is happening to you. I’m not sure what the answer is, but I think you need to give yourself credit for everything you are doing well: raising your daughter, holding down a responsible job, paying your mortgage. You should be proud, this is all amazing stuff and yes it doesn’t take away from the grind and the fact that others have more, but hang in there, that mortgage will get smaller, your daughter will get older. Nothing stays the same.

Agreed, you sounds like you're doing pretty well.
I used to be comfortable before my divorce, but life was a grind.
I'm less comfortable now, but my life is much easier.
I can't really add to that, but just hang in there and also, yes, mix with a ranger range of people!

It’s a difficult one and I think it’s only human to look at what other people’s lives are like and compare them to your own. It’s better to turn it into something useful by getting into politics or campaigning or volunteering so that sense of unfairness you feel is driving positive action and putting the focus on others.

Also, are you getting a fair deal from your daughter’s dad? Is he supporting her financially?

And @Didiusfalco is right that things change over time. You never know what may happen.

I was mortgage free at 46. I'm 48 now, single parent, good job.I would completely swap this every day to have my mum and dad back in my life. Finances aren't everything, happiness is.

If I think about my friends I'm also the worst off but I'm as happy as Larry so I'm not complaining.

Really depends on how much you earn, where you live and lifestyle. In your position I would try to set up a second income stream - a micro business, even if you’re just selling stuff on ebay, can be really useful.

I feel the same. I’m almost 50 have lost so many jobs over the years (laid off) so had to live off all my savings and retirement funds. I am now underemployed and barely make ends meet. I will never be able to retire or go on vacation or fix my house up. Can barely buy clothes or shoes. As a matter of fact if something big happens to my house or car I will be screwed as I don’t have the funds to fix anything.

All of my friends are doing MUCH better than I am and I will admit that it not only makes me jealous but it depresses me as well.

I feel a bit the same as you. I'm mid 50s and in a decent job now, but DH spent his life self employed, has poor health now and has no income or pension. Although we mostly scrape by each month I can only really imagine a fairly basic lifestyle once I'm not able to work anymore and I haven't much pension of my own.

The future concerns me. As it is we haven't had a holiday in roughly ten years. Watching anything on tv where retired folks are living a great life makes me sad and a bit panicky. I'm not convinced we'll be able to afford the heating on!

I think this is genuinely why a lot of women remain in dull and unsatisfying marriages.
I think you’re writing your career off prematurely though. Surely you’re going to be working for the next 18 years if you have that long left on your mortgage and don’t have a good pension? Maybe you could look into doing some further study.

Even without the comparison to friends, it's still scary to think about the retirement years and how to fund that time. I was always one to think, "I like working, I plan on continuing to work and not retire." But now, I'm late 50's and reality is setting in. The act of working becomes harder and harder - physically, mentally, emotionally, cognitively.

I know people older than you who have lost their jobs during the pandemic & also rent

You have a lot to be grateful for
Employment
A child
A property

@GrumpyHoonMain where do youfind stuff to sell on ebay? Or store it? And dont ebay take a huge cut? Doesn't sound overly doable but Id be all up for a second income stream if it was...

OP I know how you feel. There's another thread about being young again and lots saying how wonderfil 40s/50s/60s are because they have a good career/can travel lots/nice house and ita sobering when you realise that you've got to an age where that's not likely to happen.

[quote BugsAndBeesAndBirdsAndButterfl]@GrumpyHoonMain where do youfind stuff to sell on ebay? Or store it? And dont ebay take a huge cut? Doesn't sound overly doable but Id be all up for a second income stream if it was...

OP I know how you feel. There's another thread about being young again and lots saying how wonderfil 40s/50s/60s are because they have a good career/can travel lots/nice house and ita sobering when you realise that you've got to an age where that's not likely to happen.[/quote]
A friend of mine started doing this at 60 and earns 500-1000 / mth for just a couple of days work a week. She does something called flipping - so buying cheap items and selling high (approx 2-3 times value). She does this on artwork, photos and vintage goods mostly. For example she bought a lovely set of framed faux vintage photos for £3 (total) from one website and then sold them all individually on ebay for £10 each.

She basically placed the orders as soon as she got them.

Wow she sounds like she's got it sussed. I will read up to see if its something I could do. I would fear on a low income Id buy "stuff" I can't sell! I wouldnt know (yet) what would "flip." I guess if you knew a niche area it would help (like people that recognise brands in charity shops!)

@BugsAndBeesAndBirdsAndButterfl

Wow she sounds like she's got it sussed. I will read up to see if its something I could do. I would fear on a low income Id buy "stuff" I can't sell! I wouldnt know (yet) what would "flip." I guess if you knew a niche area it would help (like people that recognise brands in charity shops!)

Yep. She picked vintage because it seemed popular, and not too taxing lol.

Thanks so much everyone for all the replies. thanks too for the kind words didiusfalco and nicewheels. Single parents often seem to get a bad press but most of us are trying to do our best, often in pretty tight circumstances.

Some interesting ideas and responses in the thread. It’s good to get different perspectives rather than being locked inside your own head all the time. A second income stream would be great, could make a big difference, even just a couple of hundred extra a month would lift things. Not sure what I could do tho! Basically, to improve things financially I’ve either got to earn more or reduce my costs. That’s the situation really. My ex does support with maintenance but that will run out when my DD is 18, so 8 more years then my income will drop by a fair chunk.

didius, I agree about relative deprivation, I think you’re right. I live in a relatively ‘naice’ ’ area, not posh by any means but reasonable schools, and high house prices. There are many in a much worse boat than me. Am very aware of that. Grateful too that I’m not in an unhappy marriage (been there done t) and at least I’m not trapped in that way.

I do think it’s a bit of an unseen issue though - women my age, 50+ basically, struggling financially in late career years and then looking at a very modest pension/state pension income. Nowadays younger people have to save for retirement but my generation didn’t - must be lots of us in a similar boat.

I know exactly how you feel.

Your situation sounds pretty good to me. You're likely to pay off your mortgage, so you won't be paying much in old age. I have no property, live in Germany where there is no free NHS after you retire - you keep paying for health insurance - and my pension will all go on that and rent. I'll be happy if I can simply pay my way through life. You don't take anything with you when it ends.
Guess it really is the comparison. I know lots of people in my situation or who are worse off. Get more friends!

Will you need a whole house to yourself after your daughter leaves home?

I see that you had your DD at 41. Can I ask kindly - how did you get on with your education / building your career / saving for your pension aged 20-40?

You say you moved to a new city after your divorce but you are living somewhere with very high housing costs ( if a small terraced house costs at least £220,000.

I’m not getting at you, I know from experience that it’s really hard being a single mum. But can’t you see that some of the choices you have made might have contributed to your situation?

It’s easy to say that all your friends are better off than you by luck, while ignoring that you and they have perhaps done different things in your lives.

Otherwise you will use up all your energy being resentful rather than making the best of things for yourself and your DD. Any you will feel powerless to change things because “ I just have bad luck and everyone else has good luck”.

It’s sad that you feel that your life is joyless. No doubt you are short of cash but there’s plenty things you can do that will bring joy to your life and your DDs that don't cost a lot of money ( especially post Covid ).

Do you think it’s possible that you are depressed ? Have you thought about talking to your GP - meds and other things can really help ?

Relative deprivation is such an excellent term. It’s so difficult to see how fortunate you are when you are clouded by other people’s success.

What can I do to handle it, except find new friends?!

I know you are being facetious. But there’s nothing wrong in widening your social networks and meeting people who are less well off than you. Or those who are childless not by choice and would love to be a single mum. Or those who have to rely on benefits because they are a carer or disabled and will never be able to buy their own house.

A different perspective: I am mid forties, and about 5 years ago I felt a to of pressure within myself to 'conform' to some kind of perfect life.

I had to rethink this as it was making me unhappy. Comparison is not only the thief of joy, it is also a way of distancing from our true selves.

After quite a bit of soul searching I had to admit that the path I am on was the one that made me happy. It did not conform to many people's ideas or preconceptions of a 'perfect' life. I make my choices, and have to be responsible for them, and if those choices are true to who I am, then this is how I measure success.

I didnt have children, so perhaps im a bit of an outlier on MN, so property and marriage haven't been of pressing importance to me. But I have happily chosen a creative, if slightly eccentric lifestyle, have a great relationship with my partner of 25 years, and chose to rent rather than own a home. We like to move around every decade or so, spending some time in the mountains or maybe the coast......and actually prefer not to have the responsibilities of home ownership. Im also self employed, and whilst this can have its ups and downs, it allows me a certain amount of freedom that suits me quite well.

None of my 'choices' are what many British people would call 'secure'. And that's fine. We are all different. I am lucky that I have a good amount of savings, and a recent small inheritance. But I did have to face those uncomfortable feelings at one point, where everyone around me seem to be so 'sensible' and accomplished. I also never wanted to rely upon someone else to make me secure - so a marriage break up would not affect me, except paying the utilities would cost a bit more alone! I'd still get to travel, enjoy what I love and live for my passion.

I have only one regret, and that was badly informed house move a decade ago. I also think I ought to have travelled more prior to hitting 40. But no big deal. My family and social circle is small and reliable, so I am quite satisfied with my lot. It makes sense to have a clear picture of what you desire and love, and to attempt to honour that as impeccable as you can.

Comparisons to those around you are only useful in the sense that they can assist you in growing your self awareness. Make those comparisons with an intention to find who you are, and what you want.
'They' are not you, and you possibly have no real idea what their dreams or regrets are.

This is the part of your comment that I would be concerned with: I’m just tired and worn out with my joyless lot
Why do you feel this way, and what could you do to alter it?
Good luck pondering it all, OP. I hope you can come away from this thread with some interesting perspectives.
Not everything is about salary and home ownership. We ought to ask ourselves why we feel we need to have such prescriptive lifestyles (a certain car, certain number of kids, certain milestones by a specific age, and then round it all off with a dog, etc), almost as if we are all the same person. And we are not all the same person!

crikey, apologies for the missing letters and typo's! I woke too early and don't get along with this keyboard!

In terms of a second job, would you consider babysitting, nannying or childminding? (depending on your expertise) You can often do nannying (and certainly childminding) accompanied by your own child, if you are free after school.