Being worse off financially than friends in middle age

[Margaretscratcher]

First off, I don’t mean this to be a whingy post. In many ways, I’m very fortunate - healthy happy child, own home, still employed post-Covid, no real health issues, etc etc But recently it’s struck me (quite hard) how I’m by far the worst off money wise than all my various friends. At the age of 50, I feel like time is running out and I’m not sure how to best deal with it.
Basically I’m divorced and a single parent, 6 yrs ago I moved to a new city and effectively started again. I’ve got a very small terrace house with a big mortgage of £200k, 18 yrs left. No savings, not helped by a dodgy builder who cleaned out my final cash reserve. No real pension to speak of. I’ve got an okay job, middle management average earnings, but my salary basically just keeps me ticking over, I have enough to live but I don’t earn enough to ever get ahead or save properly. I’m very sensible with my cash, but it’s all accounted for each month with little spare. My DD is only 9, so by the time I get her through to 18 I’ll be nearly 60 and pretty past it job wise. The future feels bleak to be honest.

In contrast, most if not all of my friends my age are financially much better off, married, secure etc, or divorced and did ‘better’ financially (saw one recently who’s just paid off his £250k mortgage after being bought out by his ex-wife), another who has worked very hard and totally deserves her success with her business but now doesn’t really need to work, others who are ‘average’ in career terms but have good public sector pensions to look forward to etc etc. Some have had inheritance which has given them a cushion. More people seem ‘sorted’, which I suppose is natural at this stage in life. I’m aware all this doesn’t make me sound great but
I’m not naturally a jealous person and I don’t begrudge others. I’m just tired and worn out with my joyless lot. I’m fed up with being pleased for people as their middle age becomes more comfortable when my own situation seems so limited and I can’t see how to improve it.
How do I best cope with being in this situation? I do feel like I’m in the situation that nobody wants to be in, and I hate that feeling, it makes me feel a bit sick actually. What can I do to handle it, except find new friends?!

@IM0GEN -

The OP never says she was 'unlucky' anywhere. Looking back and telling her off for not saving or having a good pension age 20 to 40 is not very helpful.

Can you look at working towards a pay rise or a promotion at work? Or move to a different organisation to get a bit of an increase in wages? You could then overpay on your mortgage to reduce the term. Due to the climate at the moment, it may not be something you can realistically do right now but could be something to look into in the future.

I think the reason why you are in this situation compared to others is because for whatever reason you got on the property ladder later and had your daughter later. Hang around with 35-40,year olds.

It's a difficult situation. Is it not so much that your friends are better off as that regardless of that, you would like to be on a sounder financial footing?
I am really sorry you're stuck like this. It's particularly tricky to do stuff career wise when you're single parent to a 9 year old.

If it's a popular city you could get a sofa bed for you in the living room and AirBnB your room for a few nights - we realized that's what our landlady was doing when we stayed in a cheap B&B overseas, years ago. Then when your daughter gets her own place you can rent out her old room. None of this ideal but it does help bring in a few pennies.

If you have a sewing machine, recycling sentimental clothes into cushion covers/blankets/quilts/ponchos is popular.

Would you be able to sell up and move somewhere cheaper when you retire?

Could you sign up for one of those "board your dog in a home" agencies ? Or do house/petsitting once you've retired?

It sucks and it may never be ideal but IME it's pretty rare that you can't change things at least a bit if you consistently chip away at the problem. Throw enough at the wall and some sticks. Best of luck OP .

A lot of your situation is down to your own decisions and circumstances. And you don't have a bad lot at all. Rather than taking responsibility for your own choices, you're being envious of others which won't help you. Of course people who are married will be better off since they have 2 incomes. Those with more successful jobs/business is the result of them working hard at the right things, making the right decisions such as choosing financially good careers and having foresight. If you had drive, nothing would have stopped you changing careers etc.

If you have no pension then sorry, that's all your own fault and extremely poor financial planning. It sounds like you're someone who lived life on "on the hoof" and coasts along? The upside is that being carefree is fun at the time but downside is you don't plan for the future so you will naturally feel the consequences of that.

I don't understand why you're envious of people who for the most part simply were more responsible at planning and choosing than you Start focusing on what YOU can do to.improve your circumstances and things will radically change. Try money saving expert for tips. Also count your blessings, especiallywith things money can't buy, like family. E.g. there are MANY wealthy childless couples who would give it all up to have a child.

Could you move house to a cheaper area once your dd leaves school? That might free up some money for you. First thing is stop the comparisons. Ask yourself what YOUR values are and whats most important to you and focus on that rather than comparing yourself with your friends. Also compare yourself with women your own age who are genuinely poor and be thankful for what you have. Not saying you arent but on a daily basis make it a habit to appreciate what you do have.

I can empathise. Following separation I was lucky in that I had kept my house when we got together and was able to move back . I had no furniture or household items hardly so I am surrounded by mainly free/ donated items . I also have debt from the relationship and will have to carry on working past retirement age to clear it . My friends have lovely houses and lots of holidays. But myself and teenage DS are much happier. I take any extra hours available at work and sell on e bay plus sign up for things like the census. Sometimes I do have down days and scary times when money is very tight . On a plus side I will have a decent pension.

I hear you on this one. My husband and I lost a fortune in 2009 and have rented for over a decade due to poor health, job issues and caring duties. My siblings are all mortgage free but we are lucky we made good pension provision in our 20s. We are now able to call on some of that income because we have been the 'poor' ones in our social set for years. It can be hurtful not to be included in events because others assume you will not be able to afford it. If you own a home, have a secure job and a healthy child. I would say your are rich in life. Many wealthy woman pay for their position everyday. Their lives are not free!

I know what you mean. I am a single parent, divorced (no maintenance for dc) and in my 50s. I do worry about how I will live on my pension. I also had my dc later in life so they will still be dependent on me when I’m in my 60s.

I agree that you made some life choices and that has affected where you are today. I accept that about myself too. I do wonder why I didn’t settle down and have children earlier in life. I was too busy enjoying myself and didn’t think of the future. I also didn’t save enough or buy property earlier in life when I could have as I always had a good job.

I also think it’s easier for couples in retirement and that worries me too.

I think you should wrack your brains and start planning now for what happens in ten years time.

Eg moving/downsizing?

What would make you happy op? Finding out your number 1 happiness factors will turn you into the happiest person alive

I am extremely happy because I wake up and count my blessings. I have healthy DC, I have travelled and worked all over the world world, I have had amazing experiences. Do I have a pension? No. Savings no.

As soon as you put value on comparative materialism you are going to be doomed to despair.

It sounds as if you have put all your ££ into your home at the expense of your quality of life.

I recently volunteered at a charity where the manager ( same age, nearly 60) said she has 7 more years to go to retire and hadn't seen the world or travelled much and that was what she wanted to do more than anything but didn't feel she could.

What a trap she felt she was in! But actually any trap you feel is only a trap in your mind.

I now volunteer in a nursing home where people 55+ go to with dementia and other disabling conditions.

Alot of them never got the chance to retire into the sort of life they had saved up for all their lives.

In your later years you will need to find £1000 a week to fund your care if your health is very poor or you have no children to look after you.

Just look at the statistics for dementia if you want to face reality.

God help you if you are not actively treating your body and mind as a sacred temple now because of you do not look after yourself, keep your health and fitness in tip top condition you could be storing misery for yourself further down the line.

Live life as if it's your last life! Sounds glib but honestly, as soon as you are focusing on others and not on yourself you are going to be divorced from finding happiness from within.

I make an active choice not to take anything for granted in life to enjoy every single day. Every single choice I make, from the bread I bake to the realisation that I enjoy giving and helping and being kind, which is why I stopped a former more lucrative career to start one which is more rewarding as I now have time to volunteer.

Having a big fat pension and retirement nest egg is for people who missed out on their best years of their life for travelling and living life to the full as far as I am concerned.

I am doing things now I won't ever want to retire from as I love it so much.

People talk about retirement as if it's the best thing ever. Yet why wait? It's important to do what is important for you now while you have the health and fitness as who knows what is round the corner?

So many people trapped in their homes looking after their partner whose health has failed before theirs and their hope for a wonderful retirement has gone out of the window.

Aim to make every day the best it could possibly be and take ownership of your own past, present and future and once you can see you are the captain of your own ship you can take the helm and steer it.

If you won't no one else will.

You’re lucky. I’m older than you and still trying to get on the property ladder. I am also not entitled to a state pension and have no savings do God knows what will happen to me when I can no longer work.

@Newstaronhorizon I liked your post - very positive

Thank you Even snow drops make me smile, and I have a lot of rescue animals and I foster and life is AMAZING

Spending time overseas in less materialistic cultures where people care but are not selfish was the best decision ever, life changing.

People moan so much in this country and take for get things like universal healthcare and the fact we don't have to use guard dogs and our streets are pretty safe... honestly, 80% of the world's population especially women don't have it so good as we don't and we don't even appreciate it!

Sorry for typos, just got mugged by puppies!

I was going to add something along the lines of what @anewstaronhorizon said so well. You never know what the future will bring, it sounds like you have a nice house and lovely DD so enjoy, make it cosy and find what little things perk up your day. For me, it's my morning coffee, trying new recipes, setting out candles in the evening.

I'm late 50s now, divorced for several years, and am grateful every day that I can see the joy in small things and am out of a situation with ex where he sucked the happiness from the room. Selling on eBay can be fun if it's your passion, but money isn't everything!

I'm 58, nine years left to state pension age, somehow I still believe my ship will come in...

A few ideas:

• ditch any friends/acquaintances who you don't feel good about, ie who you have envious feelings about, and unfollow absolutely everyone on Facebook (comparison literally is the thief of joy). You just do you

• check your pension situation at your current job - are you contributing? Is your employer? You still have 17/18 years of work, this is enough time to build up a nest egg

• consider moving to a cheaper area, so you reduce your mortgage

• use FB Marketplace to buy and sell stuff (no commission payable). Quite a lot of people list things on Saturday mornings to be taken away for free, just so they can clear their space - these can be sold on at a profit

• enjoy open spaces and exercise with your DD, springtime is such a joy for the soul and completely free!

• enjoy your DD - how wonderful to have a child in your life in your 50s

Good luck OP. Remember it's literally NEVER too late

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic - aww lovely post as well.

I'm of a similar age (57) and will most likely be working well into my 60s. I did a lot of travelling in my 20s and don't regret a moment of that time. Being able to have 2 treks in Nepal, and spending time in South America as well as India, Thailand, Australia, New Zealand etc meant so much. It did mean that I was a bit late to the party for settling down and having kids/mortgage.

@Newstaronhorizon fostering puppies sounds like the way to go!! We adopted our dog from the Balkans - not sure he'd like puppies

You are doing ok, plenty of people of your age find themselves in rented housing. You chose to have a child later in life so I'm guessing you had experiences in your 20's and 30's which I did not because I was raising children on a low income - with children left home, at the same age as you I'm in a different place financially, and yes my divorce settlement was good but I was married over 20 years and we had paid off our mortgage. Everyone has different circumstances and in middle age we are in different places in our lives.

I know how you feel OP.

But I would take heart - you still have some time to build things up, as a PP said you can achieve a lot by chipping away at it. If you’d like to build a side hustle there is an organisation called career shifters that is quite good. Get some financial advice re pension building and eventually downsizing, and remember you haven’t done too badly, even now, and things can definitely get better.

Ps I started paying into my pension at 21, women of 50 knew they needed to save back then, if you chose not to then ... I was one of only 3 in my office of 20 in the pension scheme, (all women under 35.)

Well, it's not helpful to say "you made your choices blah blah"
I don't think OP is saying she didn't, or that it's all about luck?
We don't always, all through our lives (especially when young) make the "right" choices, do we? I know I didn't!
OP I get where you are coming from. I know people 15 years younger than me that have it all together, in solid careers, half a mortgage already paid off etc. I didn't make those kinds of choices in my 20s (or 30s really). Didn't have a pot to piss in when many of my peers were doing the 2.4 kids/semi detached/climbing the corporate ladder thing.
I had a major panic hitting 40, and spent a year or two in a deep dark depression about being a failure at life. However, I have a shitload of stories, have experienced different types of living and can do many things adequately that lots of people can't do, just by virtue of having a lot of jobs!
I decided to focus on 2 things: getting a new job that would give me a better pension, and re-discovering my creative side.
At 50 you are not too old to look at your job and start thinking about your career development. If you have to work another 18 years, there is time to grow that side of things, especially now your dc is gettiing older and less dependant.
Then think about the things you like doing for you, to feed your soul. That might be gardening, drawing, photography, writing-anything that is just yours. I agree with the poster who said we often try to live an identikit life (and I think the pressure to do this is 1000x worse than it was say 20 years ago, in that all the 20 something people I know are very concerned with mortgages and pensions in a way that my generation really wasn't). There is joy to be had in exploring who you are, and what genuinely makes you happy.

I'm actually delighted to be working still and hope to never stop completely. My friends who have retired seem so boring to me, their lives have shrunk and they're obsessed with minutiae.

One other thing I'm enjoying and that helps the finances: having a lodger. With your DD still at home for 9 years at least, it's probably not feasible yet OP - but when she flies, make use of your hard-won property to generate an income (and some company).

Op would you want to downsize or get a lodger?