Being worse off financially than friends in middle age

[Margaretscratcher]

First off, I don’t mean this to be a whingy post. In many ways, I’m very fortunate - healthy happy child, own home, still employed post-Covid, no real health issues, etc etc But recently it’s struck me (quite hard) how I’m by far the worst off money wise than all my various friends. At the age of 50, I feel like time is running out and I’m not sure how to best deal with it.
Basically I’m divorced and a single parent, 6 yrs ago I moved to a new city and effectively started again. I’ve got a very small terrace house with a big mortgage of £200k, 18 yrs left. No savings, not helped by a dodgy builder who cleaned out my final cash reserve. No real pension to speak of. I’ve got an okay job, middle management average earnings, but my salary basically just keeps me ticking over, I have enough to live but I don’t earn enough to ever get ahead or save properly. I’m very sensible with my cash, but it’s all accounted for each month with little spare. My DD is only 9, so by the time I get her through to 18 I’ll be nearly 60 and pretty past it job wise. The future feels bleak to be honest.

In contrast, most if not all of my friends my age are financially much better off, married, secure etc, or divorced and did ‘better’ financially (saw one recently who’s just paid off his £250k mortgage after being bought out by his ex-wife), another who has worked very hard and totally deserves her success with her business but now doesn’t really need to work, others who are ‘average’ in career terms but have good public sector pensions to look forward to etc etc. Some have had inheritance which has given them a cushion. More people seem ‘sorted’, which I suppose is natural at this stage in life. I’m aware all this doesn’t make me sound great but
I’m not naturally a jealous person and I don’t begrudge others. I’m just tired and worn out with my joyless lot. I’m fed up with being pleased for people as their middle age becomes more comfortable when my own situation seems so limited and I can’t see how to improve it.
How do I best cope with being in this situation? I do feel like I’m in the situation that nobody wants to be in, and I hate that feeling, it makes me feel a bit sick actually. What can I do to handle it, except find new friends?!

@minniemoocher that isn't helpful particularly as the OP is divorced.

You are aware that pension pots form part of the assets of a divorce?

The responsibility and hard work of parenting, particularly as a single parent are really challenging so I understand but I think the realisation that you want 'more' might ge a stimulus if you can unlock your creativity.

Some great suggestions have been made. Increasing pension contributions now can help with a next egg or paying your mortgage off early. Also when your DD is older, could you downsize to £100/150k property, even a studio, and keep the rest for enjoying your retirement? Alternatively the lodger idea is good one.

Even training as a counsellor or something like that could be good. You can charge £40 an hour, age is not a barrier and nowadays you can do it from home. Try and channel any skills you may have that can lead to extra income in the future.

Forgot to add, a lot of the couples on "a home in the sun" are divorcees who have met later in life and decide to pool their resources, so that's always a possibility too if you met someone you liked you could end up with two homes collectively, one you could live in and one you rent out. Just a thought.

So you and your child are healthy, you’ve no debts besides mortgage, you own your own home and aren’t unemployed in the pandemic? I would crack open the Shloer OP. Comparison is the thief of joy.

So many useful and interesting responses here. Lots of good advice too, and I am taking all of it on board. Yes, there may be some truth in that I probably haven't got as far in my career as I'd like. Various reasons for that, I was hugely underconfident when younger, and I also changed careers more than once, so had to start again, bottom of the rung more than once. That's been a theme throughout really!
My DD came along after 5 long weary years of IVF and eventually donor conception, so that definitely wasn't planned. It was expensive and difficult, and probably cost me 5 years in age, but obviously the end result has been very worth it. Money wise, I did my share of travelling when I was younger, but I've always worked. I got married at 29, and we managed to buy a property, and I have ended up with some equity which I'm forever thankful for, but I never earned enough to save very much for my retirement. My ex husband was, frustratingly, terrible with money. He took money out on our mortgage to prop up his business (which the bank let pass without my consent, presumably as we were married, big regret I never challenged it), and life was all feast or famine. It was a big relief post divorce to have my own money, however limited, as I could control it. Never again will I be in that situation!
I think I do take responsibility for my choices, and the impact of the poorer ones, but I'd say to some of the posters upthread that not all of our choices and the outcomes are within our control. Life is messy sometimes. We do what we can, but things don't always turn out the way we want. I stand by the fact that I'm not envious of others as such, but it's more about coming to terms with the fact that I find it difficult to feel vulnerable financially. I was interested in how others in a similar boat manage that and if anyone had suggestions. I do really appreciate everyone’s replies, thank you.

Good luck OP

Thanks teenstitansonloop

It's definitely all relative. I've got friends with no kids and they're doing 5 holidays, extending the house, nice cars etc, and I feel really left behind. But I work for a charity and I hear stories of people who lost their job as the main bread winner, or had a gambling addiction, or they fell ill and their whole family is living in a bedsit, or they're on end of life care etc. It really is a matter of perspective. Yes you could have more, we all could, but you'll never be happy focusing on this as you will always want more no matter what you have - there will always be someone with something newer or better than you. If you're comfortable and happy, that's good - don't compare yourself to others, or if you have to, take a look at people who have less than you and see how much you really have.

What a lovely thread with lots of wise advice and it’s timely for me to remember the saying Comparison is the thief of joy. I have found tapping into my spiritual side, meditation and mindfulness type stuff really really helpful for gaining perspective on what is actually important in life and living mostly free from envy of others with a sense of joy in small daily pleasures.

Hmm, mindfulness can be helpful. But sometimes, it’s hard telling ourselves we are lucky and should be grateful if we don’t actually feel this way. Can feel phony if it’s not true. Sometimes we just feel Shiite, unhappy with our lot, and that life isn’t fair.

Oh god - shit, not Shiite

Yes hipandhighdiet. That is true. Regret, too, is hard to live with sometimes.

I understand how you feel, I'm a single parent too and have been since pregnancy, I have a middle management job and will be renting for the rest of my life but I've come to terms with that now. Zero input financially from the paternal side. I think I've made some peace with where I'm at and my focus of course is my child but also driving my career forward which has worked well so far. I realise money isn't everything and I can provide for my child . I've not been impacted by Covid as I'm a public sector worker and am thankful I've been able to keep my job.

All of friends have partners / husbands and most of them will be financially better off than me with their joint household incomes, even if I doubled my current salary but I can't fixate on that. I know my child will learn where hard graft and dedication can get you so I'm imparting a helpful life lesson :)