NC for this because (for reasons which will become clear as you read). I’m not sure why I’m posting this now several years down the line. I just wanted people‘s thoughts on it really as it’s recently come back into my mind.
A few years ago, before I met my current partner, I briefly dated this guy I met online. After our second date, I agreed to go back to his house. We watched TV for a bit, had a drink (I was fully sober as I was driving home afterwards so only had one). He was getting very touchy feely downstairs and after a while suggested we go upstairs. I wasn’t massively opposed to it, nor was I massively in the mood for it (I wasn’t that into him) - I sort of just went along with it really (not sure why).
Anyway, just before we were about to have sex (both of us clothes off at this point and in the bed), I said to him “have you got a condom?” to which he replied “no, I don’t use that rubbish”. Then, without waiting for me to say anything more, he was on top of me and penetrated me. I let it go on but I was feeling very uncomfortable (I was on the pill but I wanted to use condoms too as I didn’t know him at all). I wanted to say “stop” but the word just didn’t come out for some reason.
Shortly afterwards, I’d say no more than 5 minutes, there was knock at his door (takeaway that we had ordered had arrived). He seemed a bit annoyed at the interruption but got up, pulled his trousers on and said “don’t you go anywhere” with a smile, then went downstairs for the food. I saw this as my opportunity (I didn’t feel respected by him and just wanted out of there). I grabbed my clothes and put them on as fast as I could and went downstairs where he was plating up the food. I said “I’ll just eat this and then I’ll have to get back”. I used my babysitter needing to go home as an excuse (my daughter was fine and safely with a family member overnight so it was lie but I wanted to get out).
He seemed disappointed but I ate quickly then left. I vowed on the drive home never to see him again. Then I forgot all about it, blocked his number etc, and moved on. Fast forward a few months a met current partner, who I’ve been with ever since (4 years).
I recently told my partner about this experience (I’m not sure why but we were discussing previous “bad dates” and it came up). He looked horrified and said “so this man raped you”. I said no, definitely not, I consented, I went upstairs with him, after he said he didn’t like using condoms I didn’t say anything further to him (but he didn’t really give me a chance to be fair), I didn’t tell him firmly to stop, and also I didn’t have any condoms with me myself. So how has he raped me? Surely I could have done more to stop him? Or I could have taken more responsibility myself?
My partner says I’m wrong and insists he did rape me, because I clearly asked him to use a condom and he refused and was inside me before I could object further.
Who is right? Was I raped? It was so long ago that I obviously don’t plan on doing anything about it now. But I just want to be clear in my mind about whether or not I was raped.
Any thoughts welcome to help me make sense of it all. Thanks.