When do boys grow their man bodies?

[pipsqueakbollock]

Bonkers question.

I'm a single mum of 2. Their father left when DD was 6 and DS barely 3.
We had a long 20 year relationship but don't see him now.

DS is my mini me. He just looks so like me as a child. Our personalities are very in tune.

He's hitting puberty (now 11). I just always thought he was my side gene pool and then I glimpsed his dad in him physically.

Tell me about when your sons grew.... I feel like his whole body shape is changing. And yes I'm finding it a bit weird and odd because I don't want to be reminded of his dad.

I feel really odd about it.

By about 15 you can see the man in them more but in my experience it's not till about 20 that they mature and broaden properly.

If it helps, DS1 is in his 20s and physically is a taller, broader, male version of me. We've always had similar personalities and we are still close.

What an odd thread!

I think you need to reconcile how you feel about your son growing up.

You're seeing your ex in him because well, he is half his DNA.

With your mindset it's lucky he was your spitting image for as long as he has been - imagine growing up with mum resenting you because you look like their father who they hate!

As they say here "give that head a wobble" because your attitude shows that you see your child as "yours" and not a person in their own right who was created by 2 people. Whether you like his dad or not, your son wouldn't be here if wasn't for him.

So to resent that he looks like the man you created him with sounds incredibly unfair to your son.

Alas who would want to be reminded of a convicted criminal of sexual assault.

My head doesn't need a wobble.

It's seeing the curve of a limb or the angle of a joint - our bodies are like paintings or photos and they can flash memories. No different to when someone says how we look like our relatives.

I suppose I'm wondering do boys bodies usually grow into the same physique of their fathers? Which again is dumb as I have a daughter and actually she has her dad's body parts but it's in feminine form.

I don't think DS will be anywhere near as tall as his dad. DS is a skinny little whatsit. That's why it took me by surprise somewhat.

@DramaAlpaca @FortunesFave
Thank you for your thoughts. It is useful to have your insight

@pipsqueakbollock

Alas who would want to be reminded of a convicted criminal of sexual assault.

My head doesn't need a wobble.

It's seeing the curve of a limb or the angle of a joint - our bodies are like paintings or photos and they can flash memories. No different to when someone says how we look like our relatives.

I suppose I'm wondering do boys bodies usually grow into the same physique of their fathers? Which again is dumb as I have a daughter and actually she has her dad's body parts but it's in feminine form.

I don't think DS will be anywhere near as tall as his dad. DS is a skinny little whatsit. That's why it took me by surprise somewhat.

@DramaAlpaca @FortunesFave
Thank you for your thoughts. It is useful to have your insight

Are you seriously worried about your son looking like his father? Hopefully he will be the spitting image. What on earth does his fathers sex crimes have to do with the poor kid? Have you any idea what you are actually saying here about your own son? That you don't want to be reminded of a sex case? Seriously? Unbelievable.

Rather leaping to conclusions.

Not. That is not what I'm talking about.

Do you look like your parents? Probably. Your eyes, nose, smile?

What about collar bones, heel arches, leg length?

Is it more usual that boys have their fathers physical attributes or not always the case.

DS is now mid-teens and is physically the body image of his dad at the same age. His dad was also... not the best, let's say. But I don't look at DS and think 'oh my god, that's exactly like those hands'. I just look at him and think 'you were once so bloody TINY! How did you get so big all of a sudden?'

It's probably easier for me that DS has never looked like me, facially, or in colouring, etc. We are almost exactly the same personality, and that for me is what really matters. It means that I'm the place he calls home.

There are times when I see him walking, and realise it's exactly the same gait as ExP. That is kind of odd. But DS couldn't be less like his father, so I can see him in his own right, rather than as an extension of someone I never want to see again, if that makes sense?

And to reassure you, my dad is 5ft 7 & stocky. My brothers are both comfortably over 6ft, one fairly athletic, one built like Jonah Lomu. So no, these things don't automatically filter down just because they're all male. Even all four of my uncles don't look related to one another, still less to either of my parents!

I've found with all my DC that they remind me of different relatives at different times and stages.

DS2 looked just like his older sister as a toddler. Both had blonde curls, big blue eyes and looked like Shirley Temple. Other people commented how like his father he was. (DD and DS have completely different fathers).

DD2 looked very like her eldest brother and my ex as a toddler. Now late 20s looks almost identical to my sister. Neither of them look anything like me.

DS2 at 15 now is well over 6ft and skinny. When he grins he looks very like one of DHs nephews. He turned his head quickly towards me the other day and I caught a glimpse of my father in him.

Sometimes I think it's mannerisms and sometimes it's a shared feature.

Kindly meant- I think you’re at risk of becoming obsessive about this OP.

I read somewhere that girls get 70% of their DNA from their dad where as boys only get 50%. But just by being male of course he'll look more like his dad.

@UhtredRagnarson

Kindly meant- I think you’re at risk of becoming obsessive about this OP.

I think she's at risk of a bit more than that if in her own words her greatest concern is that she doesn't want her son to remind her of a sex offender. What parent even thinks that way about their own child for Christ's sake?!

And I think you should ease up @Kelly345

I have 4 Ds first Ds1 23 not built like his dad at all 7 inches taller and skinnier but looks like my brother
Ds2 22 a couple of inches taller tha his dad and a bag of bones and is the spit of his dad in his face
Ds3 is almost 15, already 4 inches taller than his dad and similar frame but looks like my side of the family, he looks nothing like his dad
DS4 is 8 and will definitely be a lot taller and stockier than all of his brothers and dad and he looks like my side of the family.
My sons look like my sons and i don't look at them thinking about who they look like.
Your son is your son regardless of any family similarities.

OP, I mean this really kindly - I do think you should consider speaking to someone (therapy etc) to help you navigate some of your feelings and fears. I appreciate you may have undertaken counselling or therapy in the aftermath of your assault, but you are reaching a really high pressure period of time now as your DS starts to mature.

I completely understand how a fleeting, innocuous thing - a sight, sound, smell - can pull you back to a dark place. Unfortunately, your DS cannot control his puberty and how he will physically turn out - you may find your past literally staring you in the face as DS changes. You sound like a really caring Mum, and you clearly want to avoid any negative feelings rubbing off on your DS.

Puberty and managing teenagers is a nightmare at the best of times, without the additional complexities you have spoken about. Therapy will help you, and your DS, manage this sensitively

OP I have 2 teenage boys close in age and their development has been quite different so it's hard to say what will happen to your son. I'd say the most dramatic changes happened around year 9/10 though.

At 15.5yo and nearly 17yo my boys are both taller than their Dad (all over 6'). The older one has a very defined 'man' shape and can grow facial hair. The younger hasn't reached that stage and his voice only dropped in the last few months.

My eldest is the image of his abusive father and when he's angry about something it does give me flashbacks, I totally understand what you are getting at, please ignore people who don't get it and are trying to twist your words. You don't love your son an less but certain looks or words can trigger memories.

@Providora

OP I have 2 teenage boys close in age and their development has been quite different so it's hard to say what will happen to your son. I'd say the most dramatic changes happened around year 9/10 though.

At 15.5yo and nearly 17yo my boys are both taller than their Dad (all over 6'). The older one has a very defined 'man' shape and can grow facial hair. The younger hasn't reached that stage and his voice only dropped in the last few months.

My eldest is the image of his abusive father and when he's angry about something it does give me flashbacks, I totally understand what you are getting at, please ignore people who don't get it and are trying to twist your words. You don't love your son an less but certain looks or words can trigger memories.

Thank you

Yes it was a whoosh oh moment

DS hasn't ever reminded me of his father as he is me through and through. Whereas DD often reminds me of him.

My first son hitting puberty is more of a shock to the system than anything. I wish he would still curl up in my lap

Those who think I have issues, you're reading into my words incorrectly. Plus I was never assaulted.

I can identify with what you say. I have a relative who was tried for sex offences (acquitted but we know he did it). My youngest has fleeting moments which remind me of him. And worse it's the way he will guzzle a can of coke with exactly the same mannerisms as my relative (alcoholic, committed offences while drunk) and it makes me worry for a second. Mostly that he will have problems with alcohol when he's older (a rational concern I think)

I think it's only to be expected. For me so far it's only a fleeting thought that passes in a few seconds. I don't expect it to get worse. There is a CBT technique I think where you notice the feeling and let it fade away. Thinking something doesn't make it true, and so long as you can see that, this will probably not be more than an occasional troubling thought. I hope that's true for both of us.

@Kelly345

I think you’re being extremely narrow minded and clearly haven’t been the victim of abuse . Of course looking at someone who looks like your abuser may be triggering. I’m sure OP will be looking at ways in how to deal with this and her son will never know, but belittling how she feels and casting judgment is unkind and damaging

OP you were naive if you thought your DS would always be a “mini me”. Of course he’s going to show some of his father’s features at some point, and being male it’ll be more noticeable. You need to find a way to accept this. He may end up with all his father’s mannerisms, gait, laugh - anything. You chose his father, and chose to have children with him, and now you have 2 kids who have half his DNA. Trying to convince yourself otherwise is pointless.

[quote OverTheRainbow88]@Kelly345

I think you’re being extremely narrow minded and clearly haven’t been the victim of abuse . Of course looking at someone who looks like your abuser may be triggering. I’m sure OP will be looking at ways in how to deal with this and her son will never know, but belittling how she feels and casting judgment is unkind and damaging[/quote]
OP said she was never assaulted. So I assume the abuse victim was someone else.

OP - your posts are a bit confusing which is why you’re getting replies suggesting that there are issues to unpack and that therapy may help.

As to when boys mature physically: based on observing my DDs’ male school friends, the serious growth seems to start later than with girls - your slight 11yo could well shoot up and bulk up significantly by 16.

If, as your initial posts suggested, you think you may have issues with him reminding you of his father, it makes sense to work on that to pre-empt any such issues since it is very likely that he will in some ways remind you of his father and he can’t help that. As PP have said, being alive to these issues now shows you to be a very responsible mum.

OP I understand your concerns.

To answer your question my son resembled me quite strongly until he was about 12. He's now almost 14 and physically he is very very much like his dad now.

Maybe when this happens you will begin to be able to associate those physical features with your son, rather than with your ex.