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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My marriage is over - can I have a handhold please

56 replies

Angryandhurt · 06/03/2021 22:17

I posted a few weeks ago regarding my husband and a female friendship he had and how this particular friendship left me feeling uncomfortable. Most people seemed to be of the opinion of an emotional affair at best - at worst he was cheating. I told him that for the sake of our marriage he had to stop contact with her (for the record I have no problem with female friends, just this one due to particular issues with my husband's behaviour regarding her) and if he was in contact with her again that would be it. My spidey senses tingled yesterday so I asked him. He denied so I said if he let me look at his itemised billing on his phone, if there were no messages then I would work on my insecurities and never mention it again. So then he went from no messages to "oh she messaged me about xyz on the other day". Told him if he was willing to give me that snippet then he was hiding more from me (something someone said on this thread made me realise that so thank you!). He stalled all day but when he got home from work I told him I wasn't letting it drop, so he gave me access. Not only did he not stop messaging her, there are far, far more messages over many months then I imagined - some months all but a handful are texts to her. He sill insists there's nothing going on and they're just friends and she's the only one he can talk to, as he can't his other (male) friends. Told him if he put as much time and effort into maintaining other friendships (and our marriage) as he puts into his "friendship" with her then maybe he would have other people, including his wife, to speak to. So now that's it, he's gone and I'm utterly heartbroken, facing life as a single parent, wondering what happened to the decent man I married. The one who would do anything for me and would never in a million years treat me like this. A man who has turned into a lying, deceitful, selfish wankstain

OP posts:

QueenOfPain · 06/03/2021 22:23

I’m sorry, what a selfish piece of shit?!
Everything is going to work out okay for you, it doesn’t feel like it now but it absolutely will.

Queenie6655 · 06/03/2021 22:25

Loser

I'm so sorry

I think you are BETTER off now xxxxx

Ardvark111 · 06/03/2021 22:29

Sorry for your hurt, but at least you know now and now either 2 things will happen, he will either retreat to lick his wounds or now chase after her full time, if it's the latter karma is a bitch and she will kick him to the kerb,,!! For you now is the time to heal and take each day as it comes and do little things that make you happy each day

Onthedunes · 06/03/2021 22:37

Well lets hope he realises what he's lost, but given what youv'e said he's a self entitled prick who will fight to the bitter end for his right to be happy so it's going to be a fair while till his stupidity hits home.

Another one bites the dust..... what a complte dickhead, I'm so sorry you had the misfortune to meet another one of these arseholes that destroy families.

Hand hold

Original poster

Angryandhurt · 06/03/2021 22:49

@Onthedunes

Another one bites the dust..... what a complte dickhead, I'm so sorry you had the misfortune to meet another one of these arseholes that destroy families.

Hand hold

You were on my last thread and you were so very supportive, so for that I thank you (the one where you suggested the old banger doer upper in the parking space). It's not the outcome I was hoping for but sadly one that many posters on there predicted. He now says tonight he doesn't know what he wants (but still swears blind that there's nothing going on and he has no feelings for her) after swearing last time that he absolutely wanted oir marriage to work. After finding out last night just how much they've been in contact and the level of deceit and disrespect towards me, there's no going back now and he's at his parents. Mulitple messages daily, where as I thought it might have been a couple of times a week at a push. So now left feeling like an absolute prize mug.

OP posts:

Mischance · 06/03/2021 22:52

I am sorry - you must feel very hurt. Take time to lick your wounds and then put your best foot forward for the children and for you.

harknesswitch · 06/03/2021 22:54

He's proved to you who exactly he is. Might not feel like it now but you will feel better and you will have a better life without having that nagging feeling of mistrust in the back of your mind

Original poster

Angryandhurt · 06/03/2021 22:57

I think that's what hurts the most, realising he is not the "decent" bloke I thought he was. When we got married I would've laid my hand on my heart and sworn that he would never do this to me because he was one of the good ones. How very wrong I was

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 06/03/2021 23:09

He is not admitting guilt, he is hiding behind his mother's apron strings.

He will now start to detatch from you as a way to punish you for not believing him, he wants his reputation in tact.
He now wants you to cry your eyes out for him begging him to come back, on the understanding that he continues to have his un monitored life as it were.
He does not want you enforcing boundaries on him, it is now a battle of wills.
He will threaten divorce and make you feel very insecure.
Try to stand your ground, he is a liar make no mistake, I hope you can move on with your anger keeping him at bay but I,ve a feeling this is going to go on a while.

He's an idiot, doesn't know what he's lost, so many of these foolish men out there.
Destroying faithful love, for 2nd rate flirts who mess about with married men, what a catch for him.

Dickheads, they never learn.

Onthedunes · 06/03/2021 23:16

@Angryandhurt

Yes you almost hate yourself for picking the biggest wnaker in town, but don't, you were trusting and loving and he took advantage of your decent nature.

You now need to get back to the point where you trust again, one day that will happen, but not with him.

If you decide to stay or go, end things, or reconcile, your trust in him and with him has flown out of the window and it won't fly back.
Take care and treat yourself kindly.

feeficken · 06/03/2021 23:18

Oh I am so sorry your going through this, take some comfort that’s there are others that are going through the same and we’re here to support you, and you know what this hard, very hard. I would have done the same as you and I would have said the last very last person to hurt me would have been my wife yet she’s turned out to be the very person that’s hurt me the most in my life.

We made a judgement call to trust wholeheartedly and now the trust has been shattered and boy does that shock the system.

Swistle · 06/03/2021 23:24

So bloody sorry OP. It will not feel like it right now but you WILL only be stronger and happy eventually, in time, without this confidence zapping nob in your life. But I'm sorry for all this shite you're having to go through in the meantime. It will be worth it and we're here to lean on

Original poster

Angryandhurt · 06/03/2021 23:29

@Onthedunes the amount of messages between them that he has deleted has by far exceeded what I thought, so the lying and deceipt goes much deeper than I thought too. I've done the "pick me" dance for too long (not even realising I was doing it) and I won't be doing it anymore. He hasn't given any apology, any signs of trying to fight for our marriage and just says "well you won't trust me so it'll never be the same again" so is now trying to turn it as if that's my fault I won't/can't trust him. He can threaten divorce all he wants - I'll just ask him to pass me the papers. I can't forgive him for this, not after finding out just how bad it is and how long. I think if truth be told, he doesn't want to be married and just hasn't had the balls to say it but his behaviour says it all.

His Mum is aware of what's happened as I'm not covering for him and phoned her this morning to let her know to expect him after work and she agrees I didn't deserve this. She says she is always here for me but I know, of course, that her loyalty will really be to her son.

OP posts:

Eckhart · 06/03/2021 23:39

You sound angry and that's good, but don't do this:

So now left feeling like an absolute prize mug

You have nothing to criticise yourself for. You trusted someone, and they lied and lied and lied. His unexpected lack of worthiness is not a fault of yours.

At the risk of stating the bleedin' obvious, if you were a mug, you wouldn't have suspected, investigated, found out, and stuck to your guns about his misdemeanours. You would have convinced yourself he was a nice guy and let it go, regardless of your gut instincts.

feeficken · 06/03/2021 23:41

We all make mistakes nobody is perfect but like your husband my wife lacks any ownership of the damage she has and is causing and the absolute lack of any fight for me and our marriage it makes meso angry, it’s like this is the one time our marriage is tested and your response is to just piss off with someone else and try to turn it on me in your way out the door.

I read a lot of these posts and the dynamics of these situations are nearly always the opposite of what they should be, meaning it’s the betrayed party that always fights to save the marriage and often tries to do it alone. I’ve done the pick me dance for a year, yes a year and it’s mentally exhausting and totally hollows you out leaving very little room emotionally for anything else so do trust me that you don’t want that.

Original poster

Angryandhurt · 06/03/2021 23:46

@feeficken I'm so sorry you've had this too. I just feel numb tonight. I mean, why convince me just 4 weeks ago that he wanted to make this work? I outlined clearly what would happen if I found even a hint of contact to now find he'd messaged her the very next day!! So he either thought I wouldn't find out (which was very naive of him to think) or he did it knowing I would find out and end our marriage. And to still insist they're "just friends" but messaging to the extent they do and then deleting those messages proves it's beyond a normal friendship. I'll never know for sure if he's slept with her but it doesn't even matter now. Just never thought I'd be in this postion - 23 year relationship gone and for nothing according to him. Didn't think for a minute I'd have to start over again at the age of 39

OP posts:

Original poster

Angryandhurt · 06/03/2021 23:53

@Eckhart thank you but I do feel a fool purely because this has been going on for a few years. I've always felt "off" about her but would almost chastise myself that people can have friends of the opposite sex. Years of questioning whether I was over reacting. I should've trusted my gut much, much earlier than I did.

OP posts:

Stillfunny · 06/03/2021 23:59

So very sorry you are going through this. Yet another entitled prick of a man and very convenient whore willing to mess about with a married man. Disgusting.
I am probably using such strong language as I found out similar of my husband of 30 years. Another man that you would never think would be capable of being so deceitful. We are now 59
I wish he had done it at 39 , you still have earning power , time to meet an honourable man and easier child contacts . And you will be OK , but I know right now , it is hard to think so . Please reach out to people in your life who will support you .

feeficken · 07/03/2021 00:03

A lot of what goes on in these situations you could predict honestly, they all read from the same hand book. My wife has bounced between OM and myself multiple times, even when I thought we where working on our marriage turns out she was texting him and sleeping with him YET even after that I forgave and offered no judgment or anger.

My point is the game is totally rigged if you suspect something is going on between them he will be caught up in the high of it all (although just be clear he is still making choices) and you just can reason with stupid, I learned the hard way. At least he has moved out my wife is still living with me in an in house separation and it’s hell, although not for her it seems.

Hey I am on the same boat there, 39 and with two adult children and never thought I’d be starting again, quite the opposite I thought this was going to be our time. She seems to be doing okay though as she has her new man and they are looking at flats and she’s going about life like it’s normal despite my daughter not taking to her and my son and her are just about on speaking terms.

She’s losing what seems like everything and it doesn’t matter while he’s lost nothing and his family are intact (he was single AFAIK) and is getting a nice younger model (25 years between them) on his arm. It’s totally mental.

Stay strong don’t get sucked into the drama of it all, you’ll have good and bad days and days full of doubt and says your love will just overwhelm you and you will want to reach out because maybe if you can just make him see, problem is more often than not he won’t see it from your point of view as his attention is elsewhere now.

PearsandPartridge · 07/03/2021 00:09

I remember your thread OP! I'm so very sorry it has come to this, and so soon! But it's probably best it didn't drag on for another few months, years, for your sake!!

Don't you ever for a minute think that your gut feeling is wrong! Just friends my ass!! Which one of us message our friends that much?? He clearly have a lot to say...

He's a coward for not owning up and coming clean, even if it's not physical, just say you're attracted to her, but obsessed, want a shag, change etc. Just be bloody honest and don't try and turn it around! Even if it's one sided, although I'm not sure about her, but that's not the point right now.

OP, I know you feel totally lost right now which is normal and you probably will for a while longer, but at 39 it's not over for you You are still young and clearly very loving, you'll get through this and there will be brighter days to come! ☀️ Brighter than it would have been if you stayed with him!!! X

Honeyroar · 07/03/2021 00:17

I’m really sorry he’s been such a shit and a let down. You sound a tough cookie. You’ll get through this. He doesn’t deserve you. He’s a fool.

feeficken · 07/03/2021 00:20

That’s another one from the play book that we where just texting as friends/pals.

You might get the I love you but not in love with you speech. It is honestly how predictable how all this pans out, it’s like there is a preprogrammed cheater switch activated. You’ll probably get the minimising and that it wasn’t cheating etc. My wife was texting OM for months and then told him she had feelings for him and he reciprocated and within a few weeks she walked out saying she needed space, told me three days later there was someone else said we where over and then slept with him a few weeks later but does the Ross/Rachel thing that we where on a break and it’s not an affair.

It’s funny that this particular friend is the only one you kept secret and the messages where not open to scrutinising.

feeficken · 07/03/2021 00:23

As you can she I have hit an angry patch lol, emotions swing all over the place and I’ve hijacked your thread, sorry!

You do sound like a lovely person and the very fact you where willing to fight for your marriage says a lot about your character.

crosshatching · 07/03/2021 00:28

I'm sorry to hear this @angryandhurt. I thought in your last thread that you sounded like the kind of woman any sensible man would want to keep in his life.
Whatever this is, it isn't about you.
You will be fine, start looking out for yourself now. Big UnMumsnetty hug to you.

Original poster

Angryandhurt · 07/03/2021 01:02

@PearsandPartridge you were another one who was very supportive so thank you. I really didn't think it would happen so soon either but I guess at least now I know. He agreed with all of the stuff I was saying to him about how selfish he is and admitted he's "fucked up" but that just made me more furious with him. He knew that when he was texting her but it still didn't stop him!

@feeficken please don't apologise, it helps because everything you're saying is effectively what's going on, only I don't have proof that he's slept with her and if he has, he'll never admit it. One minute she's the only one he has to talk to (ermmm hello?!) and then when I ask what they've been talking about, he tells me just random crap. He hasn't officially moved out, he's gone to stay with his parents for a few days. As the tenancy is joint, I guess legally I can't stop him from coming back if he has no where else to go and he gets fed up of sleeping on the sofa bed. Our children are only young so unfortunately I will still have to deal with him. I hope eventually I'll be able to get passed the anger so that we can co-parent well enough but tonight when he stopped by to see them I couldn't even look at him.

@crosshatching thank you that's very nice of you to say. I like to think I'm a nice person and I certainly deserve better than what he has given

OP posts:

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